courtroom classics

jakdelad

anyone got any pearlers or retorts, said by either judge or lag or solicitor
in court, which seemed funny at the time

MagicSean

It could be an urban myth but

Judge: What did he steal
Garda: Tin of sardines
Judge: How many sardines in the tin?
Garda: 6
Judge: Six months in prison
Solicitor: That is a bit excessive
Judge: Be thankful he didn't steal a tin of beans.

One I actually saw was in court where a fella was looking for legal aid. Solicitor put up the figures and the judge asked if the Garda had any objection. Garda said that he understood the accused had recently received a court settlement for an accident. Judge asked the solicitor how much it was. Solicitor has a brief conversation with client.

"€250,000 Judge"

I think the solicitor withdrew his application for legal aid.

234

Well there is always that apocryphal story of the 19th century judge speaking to counsel during a case involving a farmer:
Judge (to counsel): Has your client heard of res ipsa loquitur?
Counsel: My Lord, where my client comes from, a sleepy village in the vales of Kerry, they speak of little else.
*Que 19th century legal hilarity*

Ken.

It was in the paper the other day that a fella appeared in front of portlaoise court with a pint in his hand and a lit cig in his mouth. The judge fined him for contempt of court.

jakdelad

years ago a friend of mine was in court for some minor traffic offense

he wore his bib n brace on the day
when his case was called,the judge eyed him up and said
i see mr xxx your in your working clothes,
thats right judge the same as yourself replied the defendant
well well yes replied the judge [refering to his robe] quite right
i am also in my working clothes
after the mumble of laughter died
the judge s final words were , i find and convict..........
no sense of humor

nompere

This one goes back many years - Sir Nicholas Bacon was a judge in the 16th century.

A culprit on trial for his life before Sir Nicholas Bacon desired his mercy on account of kindredship.

“Prithee,” said my lord judge, “how comes that in?”

“Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon and mine Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated.”

"Ay, but,” replied Sir Nicholas, “you and I cannot be kindred, except you be hanged, for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged.”

Rhamiel

A district court case in Ireland recently (cant remember where exactly)

Judge: convict, 6 months imprisonment.

Accused: I'll do that standing on me head!

Judge: Well I'll give you another 6 months to get back on your feet then!

Reloc8

Two Old Midlands Circuit Stories :-

Defending solicitor :- 'not only that, but after you swore at my client, you hit him a dunt in the bollocks'

District Judge :- 'what is that supposed to mean?'

Defending solicitor :- 'Sorry Judge, testicles I should have said'

District Judge :- 'No I know that, what's a dunt'

____

Accused on a charge of sexual assault under cross-examination :- 'well, when you put it like that, I suppose I might have given her a flick of the boss'

Circuit Judge sentencing : 'Michael Connors you have been convicted of sexual assault by this jury, I sentence you to six months imprisonment, and the boss gets another six, you will serve 12 months in all'

blueythebear

jakdelad wrote: »

anyone got any pearlers or retorts, said by either judge or lag or solicitor
in court, which seemed funny at the time

I don't know if this is true but I really hope so....

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

FreudianSlippers

Reloc8 wrote: »

Two Old Midlands Circuit Stories :-

Defending solicitor :- 'not only that, but after you swore at my client, you hit him a dunt in the bollocks'

District Judge :- 'what is that supposed to mean?'

Defending solicitor :- 'Sorry Judge, testicles I should have said'

District Judge :- 'No I know that, what's a dunt'

____

Accused on a charge of sexual assault under cross-examination :- 'well, when you put it like that, I suppose I might have given her a flick of the boss'

Circuit Judge sentencing : 'Michael Connors you have been convicted of sexual assault by this jury, I sentence you to six months imprisonment, and the boss gets another six, you will serve 12 months in all'

I can't help but read that in the current Midlands Circuit Judges' voices lol

legaleagle10

:DOMG i literally LOL all over the office at this, now everyone thinks iv gone made bursting into spontaneous laughter...hilarious

Reloc8 wrote: »

Two Old Midlands Circuit Stories :-

Defending solicitor :- 'not only that, but after you swore at my client, you hit him a dunt in the bollocks'

District Judge :- 'what is that supposed to mean?'

Defending solicitor :- 'Sorry Judge, testicles I should have said'

District Judge :- 'No I know that, what's a dunt'

____

Accused on a charge of sexual assault under cross-examination :- 'well, when you put it like that, I suppose I might have given her a flick of the boss'

Circuit Judge sentencing : 'Michael Connors you have been convicted of sexual assault by this jury, I sentence you to six months imprisonment, and the boss gets another six, you will serve 12 months in all'

murrayp4

In the CCA:

Counsel: "Would you say you had a vivid recollection of what happened in the Garda station on the night in question?"
Witness: "Oh yes, very vivid."

*Minutes later it becomes apparent to one of the judges that the witness does not understand the meaning of the word vivid*

Judge: "It is very important Mr. X that if you don't understand a word that you should say so. If you wish, my learned friend can
explain the word in question to you, in monosyllabic terms."

Frynge

probably an urban legend but.....

a guy in court on a civil charge for assault.
the defendant lost and was ordered to pay the other party $2,000.
he went across to the write the injured man a cheque but wrote one for $4,000. when asked why. he punched him again.

also pretty sure there is truth in this one.

a german man on a traffic violation in swords district court. didnt speak english and the judge couldn't understand or get trough to him so he asked the courtroom if anyone spoke german. a less than savoury character down the back of the courtroom says he speaks german. judge asks him the ask the german man his name. in a slow german accent he says....
"vaaaasssss iiiiiiiissssss yoooouuuurrrr naaaaaammmmmmeeeee"

legaleagle10

hhhahahaha, best laugh I've had all day, that's so like a lawyer would do, "monosyllabic terms"...snigger

murrayp4 wrote: »

In the CCA:

Counsel: "Would you say you had a vivid recollection of what happened in the Garda station on the night in question?"
Witness: "Oh yes, very vivid."

*Minutes later it becomes apparent to one of the judges that the witness does not understand the meaning of the word vivid*

Judge: "It is very important Mr. X that if you don't understand a word that you should say so. If you wish, my learned friend can explain the word in question to you, in monosyllabic terms."

The_Morrigan

Frynge wrote: »

probably an urban legend but.....

a guy in court on a civil charge for assault.
the defendant lost and was ordered to pay the other party $2,000.
he went across to the write the injured man a cheque but wrote one for $4,000. when asked why. he punched him again.

also pretty sure there is truth in this one.

a german man on a traffic violation in swords district court. didnt speak english and the judge couldn't understand or get trough to him so he asked the courtroom if anyone spoke german. a less than savoury character down the back of the courtroom says he speaks german. judge asks him the ask the german man his name. in a slow german accent he says....
"vaaaasssss iiiiiiiissssss yoooouuuurrrr naaaaaammmmmmeeeee"

One of my lecturers, who is also a practising BL told us that story last year

Frynge

The_Morrigan wrote: »

One of my lecturers, who is also a practising BL told us that story last year

do you know it it is actually true?

The_Morrigan

Frynge wrote: »

do you know it it is actually true?

He said it was...but ya never know!

Buck

Rhamiel wrote: »

A district court case in Ireland recently (cant remember where exactly)

Judge: convict, 6 months imprisonment.

Accused: I'll do that standing on me head!

Judge: Well I'll give you another 6 months to get back on your feet then!

I think this may have happend in Carlow in front of Justice Mary Martin, the accused being a well known troublemaker.

The same guy was up again

Judge: Have you anything to say for yourself?

Accused: It's me birthday mam

Judge: Happy Birthday XXXX, 6 months

Ken.

Buck wrote: »

I think this may have happend in Carlow in front of Justice Mary Martin, the accused being a well known troublemaker.

The same guy was up again

Judge: Have you anything to say for yourself?

Accused: It's me birthday mam

Judge: Happy Birthday XXXX, 6 months

Speaking of mary martin i recall a case about 16 years ago that still makes me giggle, it was in the carlow nationalist at the time,
A cop had a guy up on doing 32mph in a 30mph zone and she fined the cop £50 for wasting her time.

Milk & Honey

The_Morrigan wrote: »

He said it was...but ya never know!

I remember it being reported in the papers at the time. It was about 25 years ago.

mcgarrett

not sure if it's true but was told it happened about 25 yrs ago in district ct in Dublin.

Head was down the back of the court chewing away and the judge wasn't impressed, called up the court garda and said "will you tell that fellow to stop masticating"
The garda approached him and said, "will you for fcuk sake take your hands out of your pockets"

Reloc8

murrayp4 wrote: »

In the CCA:

Counsel: "Would you say you had a vivid recollection of what happened in the Garda station on the night in question?"
Witness: "Oh yes, very vivid."

*Minutes later it becomes apparent to one of the judges that the witness does not understand the meaning of the word vivid*

Judge: "It is very important Mr. X that if you don't understand a word that you should say so. If you wish, my learned friend can
explain the word in question to you, in monosyllabic terms."

Unlikely - cross examination in the CCA ? Hardly.

Frynge wrote: »

a german man on a traffic violation in swords district court. didnt speak english and the judge couldn't understand or get trough to him so he asked the courtroom if anyone spoke german. a less than savoury character down the back of the courtroom says he speaks german. judge asks him the ask the german man his name. in a slow german accent he says....
"vaaaasssss iiiiiiiissssss yoooouuuurrrr naaaaaammmmmmeeeee"

This one is true - but Rathfarnham District Court back in the day I believe.

mcgarrett wrote: »

not sure if it's true but was told it happened about 25 yrs ago in district ct in Dublin.

Head was down the back of the court chewing away and the judge wasn't impressed, called up the court garda and said "will you tell that fellow to stop masticating"
The garda approached him and said, "will you for fcuk sake take your hands out of your pockets"

Heard that story a hundred times, usually by someone who swears they were present at the time - seems to have happened in every district court in the country...

Frynge

Reloc8 wrote: »

Heard that story a hundred times, usually by someone who swears they were present at the time - seems to have happened in every district court in the country...

i think we can all agree if its a good story it doesn't have to have truth in

Reloc8

Ah sure its funny alright - but there's no harm in pointing out that it has practically got urban myth status at this stage - jokes thread in AH or somewhere

nuac

( True ). Fitgerald Kenny. a well known BL in the Western Circuit over fifty years ago , while crossexamining a lady in a forgery case asked her if she made her P with a flourish

( Urban myth _)
Judge warning an alcoholic = not to consume any more alcohol ever - not even a dry sherry before dinner.


( True ) a judge who was not too fluent in Irish passing sentence through Irish in a District COurt case and stating that the sentence imposed would be suspended set out the sentence as follows to the alarm of the defendant.

Sé mhí agus é a crochú ( six months and to be hung )

There are many good stories in Pat Lindsay's autobiography - and he told or was the cause of many more.

jakdelad

during a sexual offence court
the judge suggested it be held in camera
the defendant jumped up and said whats camera
the judge replied i know what it is , your solicitor knows what it is
you dont need to know .
during the case the defendant said he met the girl ,they went into the field, they started kissing, and then he said we started fondling,
fondling the judge interrupted, whats that??
well said the defendant i know what it is and she knows what it is
and if you were there with your camera you would know what it is...............

a man filling in some form for the court clerk
and now mr mr cxxxxx what was your mothers name
sure i had no mother said the man what do you mean said the clerk? you had no mother..
ah sure an ould aunt had me

mcgarrett

Reloc8 wrote: »

Two Old Midlands Circuit Stories :-

Defending solicitor :- 'not only that, but after you swore at my client, you hit him a dunt in the bollocks'

District Judge :- 'what is that supposed to mean?'

Defending solicitor :- 'Sorry Judge, testicles I should have said'

District Judge :- 'No I know that, what's a dunt'

____

In your own words Reloc8.


Unlikely - a District Judge in the Circuit Court? Hardly.

Reloc8

mcgarrett wrote: »

In your own words Reloc8.


Unlikely - a District Judge in the Circuit Court? Hardly.

Yeh.

Not really. See, I never said the District Judge was sitting in the Circuit Court. That would be silly.

There are district courts on the Midlands Circuit funny enough, which is the circuit of origin of the story. Its a story from the district court in that circuit. Not complicated.

murrayp4

Reloc8 wrote: »

Unlikely - cross examination in the CCA ? Hardly.

It was a case under the 1993 Miscarriages of justice legislation......and I was there. :P

Reloc8

That'll do me