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The difficulty in moving on?
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07-04-2011 2:34pm#1Hi folks,
I don't know what I expect to gain from this post other than to vent a little
So 1st off thanks to anyone who reads this.
Here's the story I'm widowed 4years next week, and let be the 1st to say time doesn't heal
but you do learn to cope better and as time passes its the happier times I remember(and miss) more and more.
I know that life goes on and that still being relatively young..... that I should get back out and try meet someone see people and so on, but therein lies a big part of my problem.
I and my partner had a fairly large circle of friends and to be honest it seems as if everyone I know was a friend of hers.... and that sparks really strong feelings of guilt in me.
For example a few weeks ago a good friend of ours and I met up on a night out and things went really well until a few days after another friend was talking about how it 'finally' happened.....that she was after me for months( I'll be honest I was totally oblivious) that she knew me and my partner had a 'notebook' kind of love and that she thought she wanted to see what that was like????
I'll be honest it was notebook love I fell in love in with my partner at 1st sight at 16yo and was lucky enough that we spent that we spent the rest of her life making sure each other always knew that...for the 11 happiest years ever 
I still miss her every second, I still look for her face on the pillow next to mine every morning...
But now I'm at a stage where I know I can't live in the past, and want to move forward(without letting it go tho)
And the big problem for me is that everyone seems to want relationships with a definite Target in sight?
Or expectations of romance that died with my partner...
What's happened to let's see how we get on? And taking things as they come?
It's hard enough to meet people anyway but I'm starting to find that with almost every woman I know being a mutual acquaintance of my partner and the feelings even now of cheating/guilt/loss that it sparks in me....
Or the unrealistic and immediate expectations of a relationship that from talking to friends more than a few people in my circle seem to have( sorry for the ego)
That its just easier to stay alone....
Any thoughts?0
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Hi OP,
sorry to read about your loss.
You seem to have 2 different problems:
1) most women you meet these days belong to your and your late wife's social circle - therefore the feelings of guilt at the thought of hooking up with a friend of hers; did I get that right?
2) women these days seem to have "unrealistic and immediate expactations" and "targets" when starting going out with men.
If I got those right, these are my solutions:
1) venture outside your old social circle for dating and romance. Make new friends, perhaps though family or even the friends you already have. You sound as if it would do you the world of good to do some "social networking" anyway.
2) women of 30 are not going to coast along and "take things as they come" in the same way the last woman you got together with, did - she was 16!! You really should take that into account when considering women having targets and similar. I hardly need to tell you about biological clocks etc. so my advice here is to just relax and don't take it that personally when dating. When the right one comes along, I am sure you will both be on the same page soon enough - that's how you'll know she's right for you!
Best wishes!0 -
Hi OP,
sorry to read about your loss.
You seem to have 2 different problems:
1) most women you meet these days belong to your and your late wife's social circle - therefore the feelings of guilt at the thought of hooking up with a friend of hers; did I get that right?
2) women these days seem to have "unrealistic and immediate expactations" and "targets" when starting going out with men.
If I got those right, these are my solutions:
1) venture outside your old social circle for dating and romance. Make new friends, perhaps though family or even the friends you already have. You sound as if it would do you the world of good to do some "social networking" anyway.
2) women of 30 are not going to coast along and "take things as they come" in the same way the last woman you got together with, did - she was 16!! You really should take that into account when considering women having targets and similar. I hardly need to tell you about biological clocks etc. so my advice here is to just relax and don't take it that personally when dating. When the right one comes along, I am sure you will both be on the same page soon enough - that's how you'll know she's right for you!
Best wishes!
You're assessment is fairly close seenitall,
However with regards to my social circle.
My problem isn't expanding it, if anything its actually too big.
I do have a healthy social life and a wide wide range of friends.
Within my age group and city I am genuinely acquainted or known to practically everyone in my age bracket personally or professionally.
Not all friends by any stretch of the imagination but having such a large circle in such a small town leaves little scope for fresh starts or an absence of preconceptions/expectations (on both sides).
As for the biological clocks and 30+ ladies natural drives I actually agree with you, and have no problem making efforts.to accommodate and sort those... if we both think its going to go somewhere...
My problem is those issues cropping up within 2/3 dates
It just seems a bit ultra rushed for my liking 0 -
Hi OP,
I am sorry to hear of your loss.
Your post was written beautifully, and it does sound like you had a very happy time with your late wife.
I hope my post will make sense as it's late enough and I've been working all day, so apologies if some of it comes out disjointed.
A few things I picked up on:
From the post you wrote I would imagine that your late wife would want you to move forward with your life.
You will never forget the time you had with her. No relationship will be the same - I don't mean that in a negative or sad way - every relationship is always different. People are different!
So you shouldn't feel guilty - although I'm sure it is hard not to..
I am a bit older than 30ish and on the "dating scene", I have also experienced some of what you are talking about.. 2 or 3 dates and it seems to the other person that they know you inside out and are now your significant other forever .. and want answers to what will happen? where are we going? etc..
I don't know whether times have changed or whether people are changing? I've met people who want the perfect relationship (on paper) but if the chemistry isn't there, it's just not there. It does seem in my opinion that the "lets just see what happens" thing seems to have fallen by the wayside..
Biological clocks - mine is ballastic - but I still wouldn't "settle" with the wrong partner just to stop the incessant ticking!
Some women may think that because you are a widower that you need/want a replacement .. (sorry if that sounds crude, I don't mean it to) or because you have been married that maybe you are "the marrying type - if you get what I'm trying to say?
I would suggest for you to try doing something completley out of your normal social circle..
- a sports club in a different town?
- speed dating in Dublin - for the laugh!
- try internet dating maybe?
- surfing holiday or weekend etc..
You have to enjoy the "dating", ask out someone who has caught your eye? If you feel that someone is pressuring you for committment etc. then they are probably not someone you want to date.
Best of luck... 0 -
Folks thanks for the input.
Foxinsox, the marrying type stereotype thing is something that has crossed my mind alright
And the suggestions re; a new club are good...but to be honest timewise between being a single dad and juggling work, college, rugby training and a few other things I'm involved in like soccer, swimming and karate with my son...its hard to find the time but if I can I may give it a try 0 -
OP, I know where you're coming from!
Similar situation to myself, Modern women our age who are available seem to be racing to immediately committed relationships and 'futures'
Whatever about biological clocks......where's the getting to know each other?
Why does it seem relationships in these situations are fraught not only with the difficulty of integrating anyone new into your existing dynamic, being sensitive to your family and in laws while keeping the new person happy.....all while she seems to be racing towards a wedding a few months after meeting??? :P
Love at 1st sight is great when your a teenager and don't have a lifetimes experience and responsibilities.....
But surely the wisdom of age and the knowledge of the potential pitfalls in coupling up should be enough to give abyone pause? No?
Anyway I'm afraid I have no real advice for you other than soldier on! 0 -
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Folks, Thanks for the input sofar!
Similar story, Sorry to hear you're in the same boat.
Just seems so wrong to be widowed young.
But as for my main point, I'm still at a loss as to how to get my act together!
At 31 years of age I'm really starting to think that I'm destined for casuals/ONS rather than a relationship developing over time
I think I'll never get up to speed with the pace my female peers want to move things forward, its like 'if ye're not moving forward at every stage, ye're not happening'
Might make me sound like a commitmentphobe.......When I'm genuinely not, Just not in the rush that my contempories seem to be0 -
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I think it's more a case of you've "been there, done that" and these women haven't.
For eg, if you meet someone who has never had kids, never lived with a guy, never gotten married etc and they're in their 30s and actively seeking a relationship, then they probably (not in all cases) want to be married, babies, houses etc.
However, you've done it. You know what it's like. It won't be a new experience for you, rather it would be for practical reasons and well thought out as you know exactly how that scene will play out.
I hope I'm making sense. I just feel from my own experiences, I've had a child, I've lived with someone, I've bought a house. And I know the realities of these situations so the sheen of those scenarios is somewhat lessened for me. If I were to move in with someone it would be well planned and well thought out and not some romantic notion. If I were to have babies, it would be financially well planned, well thought out because I know the realities of raising a child and can think ahead of the hormonal urge and the newborn stage.
On top of that, as a single parent you also have to think of how a potential partner will affect your children. So it's not as simple as getting swept up in some romantic fairytale. It's more complicated and more risky and you have to tread carefully etc.
We're more cynical I guess. Not sure if that's the right word. But we struggle to get caught up in the "romance" because we see the practical. And we also know the outcome isn't always necessarily "and they all lived happily ever after". In my case it was a bitter breakup which obviously doesn't compare to losing someone through death so I may be totally off the mark here.
I too struggle with the balancing act of kids, friends, dating (what dating!?) and honestly, I don't know how I will ever end up involved with someone. It's what I want eventually but on a practical level it's tough and on an emotional level, it's terrifying.
Spot on Ash! I've read more than a few of your posts in the past( I think we've even been on a few of the same threads) and always found them insightful and sage!
And once again you offer great advice!
I think I'm just gonna buy a been there, done that and this is T-Shirt, Sweater :P
Your notion of the house, The family, The finances,The realities of coupledom knocking the sheen off anything new are spot on and now I step back and look at it actually are probably the basis of a lot of my thinking.(That and the few girls I've seen making 10yr plans :P)
With regards to children, I hadn't even mentioned that and you kinda hit the nail on the head!
I keep my son and my 'social' life very seperate, and that seems to be an issue for some(That I'm being compartmentalised) but I really think its a bit much to either expect me to introduce someone new into his life as my GF after a month or 2 (and thats with like 5/6 dates)or to expect him to adjust to someone going from being mam and dads friend.
To becoming my GF in the same space of time and suddenly being around more and more!
I might be the cause of my own problem there....
BUT it will stay that way until such a time as I meet someone I think is going to be around a while, rather than introducing him to him every woman I talk to(Not that I'm a man whore :P)
But his stability and happiness is more important to me than my own or anyone elses(You definitely know what I mean), He doesn't need a replacement Mam
He has great female role models in my Mam, My M.I.L and in his aunties..
But thats another of the reasons I want to take my time, if I meet someone I want to be with I have to balance that against whats best for him... again not be racing to a target for the sake of it 0 -
Sorry for your loss with her being so young I guess it was probably something really sudden so that cant have been easy for you.
I dont think your only goin to have ONS for the rest of your life. You sound like a really nice guy! I think your dead right not introducing your son to new girlfriends. You'd want to be pretty sure about a woman before that happens cause childern do tend to get attched much quicker then adults!
I recently meet a girl, who at 24, thought she was going to die a childless spinster, sbecause she had 'no prospect'. I was like seriously cop on!!
I guess the best you can do is keep going, there is bound to be a woman who will 'fit'. Sounds a bit sleasy but do you know any single mothers?0 -
Thanks Greenprincess! Nice to know I seem like a niceguy
As to your thinking on kids forming attachments quicker than adults, I 100% agree and thats one of the main reasons why taking my time is so important to me.
I'm not going to have people coming in and out of his(or mine) life willy nilly, its hardly a good example to set if I want to teach him to value relationships and friendships
I do know a few single mothers yeah and I don't think it was a sleazy question at all! I think I see your point with regards to shared experiences making it easier to find common ground and star something
But not that I'm ruling out a single mother, I'd just I'd rather be with someone for who they are and what they mean to me, Rather than hope I find someone for the sake of the convenience similar experiences bring.
I probably could phrase that better, hope you understand what I mean.0 -
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I have no advice to give you except be optimistic (and perhaps selective in your choice of women!).
From experience, I come from a household where one of my parents died when I was young. My surviving parent was still quite young and luckily, met someone else - my suriving parent and significant other's first conversation was about the grief of unexpectantly loosing a loved one (spouse and sibling) and that's what brought them together!
So I guess I come from a 'modern' family and if I was to share my opinion, it would be to say that I love my current family unit and am delighted that my surviving parent has someone to share their life with - to socialise, to holiday with, etc. especially since me and my siblings are now grown ups. And believe me, your son probably wants the same for you or will do as he gets older.
But do you mind me asking - are you truly ready to find a special person? It seems that you are finding reasons not to get to know these women properly e.g. they're rushing it, etc.
If you don't expect to find the same type of love again, then you might just be releasing that vibe? I don't mean to sound crude but nobody wants to be second best - it is impossible to compete with somebody who has passed away.
My step-parent is totally different from my deceased parent and I would hate for my surviving parent to make my step-parent a second choice if my surviving parent had a choice between my deceased parent and now step-parent. Although we respect the memory of my deceased parent, my step-parent is and has to be my surviving parent's main love. It's what life is about: having the faith to love again and perhaps go down the same paths of life again but with someone else - and to remain optimistic - because at the end of the day, it's not about the achievements (i.e. marriage, babies, etc) but it's about the journey you take.
end of rant! 0 -
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I am a friend wrote: »OP,
I do think though that you, rather than being selective, are coming up with a lot of excuses why not to get involved with people. Maybe I am wrong.
I'd have to disagree with you there.
I don't think wanting to take the time to get to know someone before I expand my relationship with them is an excuse or evasive!
I think its prudent and sensible.
As for being selective??? Of course I am, isn't everyone?
In sofar as if i want a relationship with a person I'd want to get to know someone and 'select' them on the basis of mutual feelings and compatability after getting to know them I mean(And Not in a Eddie murphy Boomerang kinda way)
As for your remark to my not seeing things from the girls viewpoint, and that futures are a sensible discussion to have early on in a relationship...
I happen to think you're right, But those are discussions to be had when there is a relationship, not when you are still in the casual getting to know each other stage(Or am I totally wrong???)
That for me is a conversation that happens when 2 people decide they 'may' have something worth keeping???
Not in the space of a month or 2 of dating and maybe 5/6 dates at that.
As for the pressure of being scrutinised by my family, that is a huge fear for me!
As while I'll always miss whats gone, I don't want a replacement....I want someone that I can look forward to sharing happiness with, I'm not niave enough to expect it to ever be the same(With my baggage how could it be! But that said how many people are in happy loving relationships that still pine from time to time for their 1st love)
I already know how hard its going to be for any woman that decides I'm worth the effort to try having a relationship with.
I know that even if the words are never spoken there is always going to be a comparison to Kate, which will be even harder for anyone who chances it with me considering I'm still close to my In laws, and amongst my own family(I'm the eldest of 8) she was a big sister!
I don't ever want someone I'm with to feel 2nd best or 2nd choice(Apart from when it comes to my son, because to be honest she could be the worlds greatest woman but when it comes to him she will always come 2nd! Thats just the reality of it) but I can't control the realities of what my family may think or god forbid the unspoken comparison that may creep into my own mind now and then......
But I can seperate my past, from my present!
I can appreciate a new relationship for what it is and what it means to me, and if that develops into a great love Then so much the better!(But theres the thing,I believe that unless I'm lucky enough to find love at 1st sight twice in a lifetime....thats just the thing...It HAS to develop)
I don't think wanting time to see where things go and if we are compatible before dragging anything else into our dynamic is being fussy?
I really do think its a sensible approach.
If I'm wrong so be it, I'll learn the hard way i guess!
Thanks again for the insight and advice folks.
@ I am a friend,As for your keys to the kingdom remark, I'm not quite sure what you are trying to allude to there.
But to my reading the only way it makes sense is that I see myself as a great catch, and any woman should be grateful to be with me and just put up with my baggage which frankly I find quite insulting to me and to anyone who chose to give me a try
I hope my interpretation is wrong there, and if it is I apologise but to my mind its the way it makes sense in the context.0 -
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I am a friend wrote: »Well no matter how fab you were I would never come second to anyone else.. I have had this debate on other threads and I think its nuts to put children before anyone else. No one is more important than anyone else in a family.. I would not, as a partner accept your offer of 2nd best.
Ok, 1st off how many kids to you have? I'm going to guess at none(apologies in advance if I'm mistaken)
Every parent I know will acknowledge the fact that having a child changes their priorities in life, you start to view the consequences of your actions in terms of the outcome on your progeny rather than just yourself.
And in that regard anyone outside that unit is 2nd best.
Am i supposed to alter my thinking in that regard based on the possibilty that the some lady I'm currently dating 'could' join my family?
If someone becomes part of that unit then yes the priorities would change, but frankly my son's stability and happiness would always come 1st!
My point(I thought at least) is that I don't know these people well enough to form a real opinion one way or the other as to whether we are compatible at all before i am being asked/pushed into conversations about the 'future'!
To your point that I'm worried about being trapped by someone unworthy??Seriously???
I'm hardly a princess or damsel in distress nor am I looking for one, worthiness is kind've an archaic notion do't ya think ?
I don't really know what to say to that other than I don't feel anyone needs to be worthy of me or me of them.
Relationships are based on compatability and shared goals/interests happiness and a bond that forms over time aren't they?
I find the notion of worthiness odd!!
I mean aside from making each other happy and not being deliberatly hurtful or abusive to each other, I don't see where worthiness comes into it?
Makes it sound as if a dragon slaying quest needs to be undertaken before I consider getting into a relationship with someone!(And in fairness my M.I.L isn't that bad )
The thing is your attitude expressed here
Showcases my main point fairly perfectly with regards to way that everything seems to be in a rush with the women I meet(and yourself if that is your thinking)I am a friend wrote: »You are right that relationships should be taken slowly but maybe they are just sussing you out to see if you even want a relationship before they waste 2 /3/4 months on a situation that could only be a series of dates if you are not ready to meet someone.
Do you not see the contradiction in saying relationships should be taken slowly and then in the same sentence saying 'maybe they are just sussing you out to see if you even want a relationship before they waste 2 /3/4 months on a situation that could only be a series of dates'
Surely unless lightning strikes twice re; love at 1st sight, Those 2/3/4 months are the time both parties take in deciding if a relationship is worth persuing?
I don't think 2/3/4 months is a waste of time if it,
A; Leads to you getting to know someone who you decide its worth taking a shot with. or
B; Leads to you finding out that the 2 of ye weren't compatible in the 1st place and good thing nothing was rushed and the collateral fall out is minimised.
Time getting to know someone is never wasted(I feel at least) and as to series of dates going nowhere.
Isn't the whole point of dating someone to see if they are worth having a full on relationship with?
If you, and the women that I spoke about earlier can do that in a few dates.....
Well i'll hold my hands up and say fairplay!
Because I couldn't, maybe as a younger man I'd have the balls to give it a go with someone I barely know but not anymore!
But thanks for the input and confirming some of fears
P.S: As for the someone being lucky to get me comment....
I don't know where thats coming from but it does confirm what i asked you about insulting me in an earlier post could you show me where i said or inferred it?
But I will say in any healthy relationship, I think both parties are lucky to have someone to share the happiness that comes their way with, and need to work at keeping it that way and enjoying the things they enjoy about each others company to keep it fresh!0 -
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I am a friend wrote: »Ah here, once the 'you couldnt have a view / know what you are talking about, because you are not a parent' line came out I switched off.
Op, I dont know you and ask such I should not care less if you meet someone or not but I hope you do and live happily to be 100.
My reading of this is that you look down on these girls and their modus operandi and, if thats not the case, my apologies.
Best of luck and I am bowing out here as we will never agree.
Agree? I don't think we will but thanks for your input and confirming some of my thinking regarding some 30+ women(I apologise profusely if i got my guess at your age or parental status wrong).
Thanks for the good wishes and without being facetious I wish you the same, Health, happiness and a longlife
As for not being a parent/not knowing what your talking about or a valid opinion, I never said that did I? (Although it would have less weight as an opinion than someone who is,in my own regard)
I gave an opinion based on my own experience of parenthood and the experiences shared to me by friends of their own experiences.
I'm at a loss as to how I'm looking down on any girls based on anything I posted though!
And as for their modus operandi.....Thats kinda the whole point of my posting in the 1st place
Thanks again0 -
I do know a few single mothers yeah and I don't think it was a sleazy question at all! I think I see your point with regards to shared experiences making it easier to find common ground and star something
But not that I'm ruling out a single mother, I'd just I'd rather be with someone for who they are and what they mean to me, Rather than hope I find someone for the sake of the convenience similar experiences bring.
I probably could phrase that better, hope you understand what I mean.
Ya like i'm not saying go out with the intention of meeting a single mother! I understand what you mean
Really the best you can do is just keep an eye out. I dont think you are desperately looking for someone, which is good. But what I seem to notice is that if any of my friends are mad to have a boyfriend they dont find one. But as soon as they just chill out a bit someone seems to come along!:rolleyes:0 -
greenprincess wrote: »
Really the best you can do is just keep an eye out. I dont think you are desperately looking for someone, which is good. But what I seem to notice is that if any of my friends are mad to have a boyfriend they dont find one. But as soon as they just chill out a bit someone seems to come along!:rolleyes:
Thats kinda my thinking exactly at the moment (I hope :P)
I'm not actively looking for a relationship but am happy to go with the flow and see where something leads
At least insofar as if it happens it happens, rather than in an I must meet someone and it must have a future kind of way(If you get what I mean)
Just a pity everyone else's current seems to be flowing that much faster than mine!
And I know exactly what ya mean about chilling out Good things come to those who wait has often my experience.
Greenprincess, Thanks a million for the input You speak a lot of sense! 0
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