Does wifes new friend have secret motives?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
My wife befriended a man who works at a local business a few months ago. She is 28 and he is in his late 40's. She went in there one day and he asked her for her mobile number so that he could text her a joke. She gave him the number and he texted her a sex joke. He apoligised afterwards to her saying that I might get upset about the nature of the joke. She assured him that I would not. Anyway, the jokes kept coming for a few days and there was some chit chat text also. Next time she went into the business, he started talking about his personal problems and that he didnt sleep with his wife anymore. My wife was surprised that he would talk about these things to someone that he barely knew. The texting continued and became a lot more frequent (15 to 20 a day) mostly about his problems and jokes. He would also ring her. She told me how much he was texting and I advised that maybe she should limit her contact with him.

Move on a few weeks. I rang my wife one day while she was at work and got the call waiting beep. She rang back and I asked her who she was on the phone to and she said nobody. She said she couldnt answer her phone as she was talking to someone in the office. I knew she was lying and it pissed me off. I asked her again when she got home and she denied talking to anyone on the phone. She offered to show me her call log which backed up her story. I was very suspicious at this stage so I told her that I could link her phone to the computer to see if any calls had been deleted. She came clean and told me that she was talking to him on the phone. Big fight followed, and she told me that he had asked her some very personal questions such as, did she give me bl*w jobs, did she spit or swallow, did she have a shaved p*ssy. She told me that these questions had followed on from jokes. I lost my temper and said that I was going to confront him about it. I calmed down and didnt bother. She told him to stop texting and ring her. I think she only did this as a way of making up with me.

Another week went by and he started texting again. Said he was very sorry and that he didnt want to lose a good friend. Said he would never again ask such questions. My wife started texting him back (against my advice) and before long there were numerous texts and calls every day. He then asked her not to relay any of his problems to me and asked her if I checked her text messages. He also started becoming a lot more needy. If she didnt text him back soon after receiving one of his messages, he would ask if she was ok and why she wasnt texting him back. He also asked if she would meet him for lunch and asking when she was calling to his workplace again so they could talk.

Last night, my wife and myself were at afriends house when her phone rag. It was him so she rejected the call quickly. A minute passed and he rang again. Rejected the call again. she texted him saying that we were at a friends house and ask what he wanted. He texted her back saying that she promised to ring him that evening. My wife ignored it and she got another text asking he what the problem was. She got fed up and told him to pi*s off. She got another text this morning apoligising.

I have told my wife that this man has feelings for her but she disagrees with me. She said she wants to cut contact with him now but I dont want her doing this just to keep me happy. I think this man will become very needy and protective of my wife, almost like a jealous type boyfriend. I honestly think that he is perfect stalker material. Should I tell my wife this?

Am I overreacting? Is this common behaviour for married men? Does it sound like this man may have more than plutonic feelings for my wife?

Very sorry for the long post and thanks for any advice.

Contessa Raven

It sounds to me like this guy has got feelings for your wife. He's coming on very strong and I think it's a good idea for your wife to stop contact with him.

Think about it, would you text your platonic friends asking them about their sex lives with their partners?
Would you plague your platonic friends with texts and phonecalls if they didn't answer a text straight away?
Would you stand for a friend texting you and asking you about your sex life/private parts?
Would you allow them to hound you with calls and texts because you didn't answer them immediately?

I certainly wouldn't and I don't think the average person would either. Even if there were feelings there.

He's already become very clingy. If she keeps contacting him and humouring him then she will in fact be encouraging this behaviour. She has already engaged with him far too much.

If she stops contact with him but he won't let up then the next step would be either for your wife to change her number or go to the guards.

If your wife wants to cut contact with him, let her do that. It's probably for the best.

CR

Taltos

OP - another way of looking at this is - what was your wife getting out of this relationship???
I mean - I do not want to disrespect her - but come on - you hardly need a doctorate to work out what his game was right from the off...

Does she have low self-esteem? Or an ego that needs attention?
Or - is there some chance that maybe your relationship has been missing some attention from you?

I am not pointing fingers here - just trying to get to the heart of her motivation in ACCEPTING these types of jokes/questoins - and then HIDING it from you...

I think you both need to do some soul searching together for a while - sans-mobile of course...

purefear

It doesnt sound like he;s got feeling for her, it sounds like he is disgusting p... during middle age crisis and all he want is sex.
I dont get how you or your wife can tolerate this! This is sexual harassment.
If i would receive something like this i would take it as an offence and first of all i wouldnt give him my phone number! :eek:

seamus

Ignore the existence of this guy for the moment. His contact exists because your wife allows it to exist.

Your wife lied to you about who she was talking to. Why? What is she hiding from you? Surely if this was all above board, she wouldn't be lying to you and deleting calls from her call log.

Penn

If your wife wants to cut contact with him, tell her to send him a text saying that. Tell him that what started as a bit of fun has gone in a direction she is not comfortable with and would like to cut contact. Best wishes etc.

If he texts back asking why or anything like that, then you text him from your phone reiterating the message, that your wife has asked him to cease contacting her.

But your wife has to be completely on board with this plan. I agree with sunflower27 that this wasn't one-sided. Your wife trying to hide calls and answering his questions has led him on, whether she did it intentionally or not. Once you and your wife firmly tell him that you no longer want him to text or call your wife, she has to stick by that and not respond.

Another suggestion may be for you and your wife to go into the business or shop and ask him to delete the number from his phone. Chances are he doesn't have it memorised. This would involve confronting him though, which is probably better as a last resort before getting police involved.

OS119

seamus wrote: »

Ignore the existence of this guy for the moment. His contact exists because your wife allows it to exist.

Your wife lied to you about who she was talking to. Why? What is she hiding from you? Surely if this was all above board, she wouldn't be lying to you and deleting calls from her call log.

OP, this ^^^^ is your long term problem, but yes, the way you've described it would suggest to me that the guy is perfect stalker material.

sadly its not an 'A' or 'B' situation, you have 'A' and 'B' problems.

your immediate priority is your safety and that of your family - absolutely cut contact with the loon, change your phone numbers, change your internet passwords and PIN numbers (he's a stalker, you have no idea what information he has compromised while getting to know your wife), think about changing your locks or beefing them up, change your behaviour patterns so that he is less able to 'catch' your wife while she's out and about, and think very seriously about engaging a solicitor to enforce your 'no contact' decision.

when you're all safe and this bloke finds another victim and loses interest in your wife, you then need to think very hard as to why your wife enjoyed being chatted up by a dirty old man.

dilallio

This man is bad news but to be honest, the real issue for you is how your wife is dealing with it.

It doesn't appear from your post that she is afraid of this man, and she obviously knows that you don't like what's happening one bit.

So you need to find out WHY she is letting this continue?

Is sounds like she is flattered by the attention.

You cannot let this situation carry on without dealing with it more proactively. What will happen the next time they are out on a 'work' night out and there is plenty of alcohol involved.

If she was genuinely pee-ed off with this situation, she would cut all text / mobile contact outside of work, and if it continued at work, she should take a harrassment case to management.

It sounds at the moment that her need for these calls/texts/jokes, is greater than her need to have a good & mutual relationship with you.

This is what you need to deal with. There will always be other guys willing to do what this man is doing, and the only defense is a marriage based on love, respect to each other, and total honesty.

Miss Fluff

This is totally and utterly inappropriate behaviour. Why is your wife encouraging it? Because lets not dress it up here, replying to his messages/taking his calls/going to visit him is all encouragement on her part.

Why would he refrain from the constant contact if she hasn't done anything to indicate to him that it's anything but 1). ok and 2). welcomed?

You need to have a serious talk about your wife about this. You're not over-reacting at all but my issue would be with her rather than him....

shellyboo

Both this man and your wife are at fault. His behaviour is entirely inappropriate, and your wife should have put a stop to it long ago out of basic respect for you.

Without a doubt she has encouraged him and is, on some level, enjoying the attention. You need to address it with her and find out what she's getting from this before confronting him.

Emme

Your wife needs to cop on and cut all contact. If possible, stop going into the man's business because frankly he's a middle-aged perv and his texts are disrespectful. Your personal life with your wife has nothing to do with him.

Oryx

Am I overreacting?

Not in the slightest. If anything, youre being very easy going about it.

Is this common behaviour for married men?

Men, married or not, who send suggestive and/or sexual messages are doing it because they want to see how far they can push the level of the conversation before the woman calls a halt. If she encourages it, then it will continue, possibly to suggestions of a meet up and more.

Does it sound like this man may have more than plutonic feelings for my wife?

I think you can bet money he has designs on your wife. It may involve feelings, but Id imagine its more lust based.

The guy also sounds intrusive, needy and downright scary. If your wife has been encouraging this (and it sounds like she has) then she really needs to take a cool calm look at it. You dont describe him as a man that she should have anything to do with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies,
While he was texting a lot at the beginning, I had no problem with it. I would even ask her to go to his place of work to pick up supplies for my business. But at that time, I had no idea what was going on. The problem arose when I found out that my wife lied and deleted phone calls to cover her tracks. And the personal questions that he asked were face to face. I can't understand why she didn't cut all contact with him after that.

She has told him to stop texting a few times but he usually texts back with a pity story or a problem. And she keeps falling for it. My wife has assured me that all the sleazy talk has stopped but I don't like the fact that he is becoming increasingly needy. I also think that he believes that I am the cause of her not texting him back. When she asked him to stop texting before, his messages to her afterwards implied that she couldn't text him back because I was not allowing it. All I want to do is make my wife see the potential danger.
Thanks again

LegacyUser

I think you know exactly what's going on her!! I'm not saying there up to anything but your wife is completely out of order!! Why the hell are you putting up with this??? It's as much if not more her fault than his. Why did she even give the number and even after that not nip it in the bud from the start!?

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you want to take a serious look in the mirror and grow a set!!

LegacyUser

I don't want to sound bad, but you would probably want to man up here your wife is obviously loving the attention!! Why do you not go in and ask the man what h is playing at straight up? Obviously not in an aggresive way but to be honest your being taken for a mug a bit here.

OS119

jbjthesecond wrote: »

...All I want to do is make my wife see the potential danger...

to be honest mate, if it has got to the stage where your wife has had to tell this bloke to 'piss off' and yet still can't see the danger - the real, nuttertastic danger - that this bloke poses then she's a good candidate for the Darwin Awards.

you need to stamp on this hard - worry about the fact that your wife is thick as pork and appears to be a bit of a tart later - you and your family need to be as far away from this bloke as possible. i'm a big fan of personal responsibility and allowing people to suffer the consequences of their own idiocy - but if i were you i'd just accept that you're the only functioning adult in the family, and take whatever actions you see fit in order to physically secure your family from danger. if that means throwing away your wifes SIM card and giving her a new number then do it.

make the situation safe from deranged nutters, then think very seriously about whether you want to stay married to someone who exchanges sext messages with dirty old men, and then is stupid enough to fall for all his crap* when they get rumbled.

* it is, of course, possible that the stalker stuff is just a cover story to throw you off the scent and that she is happily and knowingly in contact with him and probably getting her jollies in the back of the shop.

sorry mate, but i think you're in a world of shite here.

God...

I'm sorry to say this mate but I think you really need to wake up here.... I'm sure you know but are in denial your wife I won't go as far to say she is definetly having an affair but without doubt she is just as bad as he is.

Personally I would be gone, but that's your choice. She is acting like a tart as well though. I'm sorry to be so blunt but she is! If she cared for you, first of all she wouldn't of accepted the number and secondly if she would have changed her number and avoid him.

Sorry but I think it's prity obvious and I'm prity sure you know this too!!

jimmycrackcorm

I would tell her that if she is serious about it then she will have to get her number changed because she lied to you and is not resolving the problem. These situations can get out of hand...

You could also be more proactive and call into him at his work and simply tell him you'll call over to his house showing some of the texts on your wifes phone he has been sending.

God...

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

You could also be more proactive and call into him at his work and simply tell him you'll call over to his house showing some of the texts on your wifes phone he has been sending.

I agree, I'm sorry but it needs to be said, it's time to man up!!!!! I actually can't believe anyone would let there wife treat them like this!!

Good luck.

greengiant09

have to agree with a lot of the previous posters. i can't believe you actually let it get to this stage! most people would have taken action a long time ago.

your wife's story just doesn't add up. unless she's incrediblely stupid, she's either loving the attention from this bloke or she's actually having an affair with him. i can't imagine any woman would put up with some lad sending them sleazy texts and continue to communicate with them. most women would have told him to fock off along time ago.

either way, you need to take action. i suggest first you find out whether she is actually having an affair with this guy. btw, don't just ask her...do a bit snooping round. if not, this guy's number has to be deleted and you need to make this a major issue that she NEVER EVER communicates with this guy again.

you seem very naive...and probably lacking in self-esteem cos not many people would put up with this type of behaviour. it's up to you to man up and take action!

LooseMoose

Just to highlight what everyone else has said.... you seem extremely naive whether she's sleeping with him or not I think it's time to open your eyes and move on.

Sorry.

fungun

I agree in principle with most posters. Have you asked your wife why she lied to you about being on the phone to him?

I am assuming a lot of the arguments are you saying this is inappropriate and her defending him as a person who needs help. Wrong course of action....this puts her in his corner and you in a different one. And helps reinforce this guys ideas that she and him have a 'thing' you are not part of.

Stand back from this. Talk to your wife....assume for a second he is just a needy guy who wants to talk. Lets assume she is right (and she is being honest). It has still caused all this strain in your marriage. Caused her to lie to you. This is not what you want and not what she wants. Present it as a problem where its you and her in the same corner and he in the other corner.
Once thats done then bring up the constant texting as sth not an ordinary friend does, and emphasise that he is over-dependent on her, and that by responding to him all the time that she is enabling that. Also his texts of a sexual nature - did they cross the line? Ask her does she think he crossed the line?
Remind her that you were and are happy for her to be friends with guys and were happy for her to be friends with him....but not when he starts being so dependent on her and so overtly sexual that it impacts your marriage. Remind her that you feel this way because you want your marriage to be your, and her, #1)

Id say to her that this guy has crossed emotional and sexual boundaries consistently and caused a rift in your marriage so that you think that if she wanted to make sure your reln worked, she should be cutting contact

God...

fungun wrote: »

I agree in principle with most posters. Have you asked your wife why she lied to you about being on the phone to him?

I am assuming a lot of the arguments are you saying this is inappropriate and her defending him as a person who needs help. Wrong course of action....this puts her in his corner and you in a different one. And helps reinforce this guys ideas that she and him have a 'thing' you are not part of.

Stand back from this. Talk to your wife....assume for a second he is just a needy guy who wants to talk. Lets assume she is right (and she is being honest). It has still caused all this strain in your marriage. Caused her to lie to you. This is not what you want and not what she wants. Present it as a problem where its you and her in the same corner and he in the other corner.
Once thats done then bring up the constant texting as sth not an ordinary friend does, and emphasise that he is over-dependent on her, and that by responding to him all the time that she is enabling that. Also his texts of a sexual nature - did they cross the line? Ask her does she think he crossed the line?
Remind her that you were and are happy for her to be friends with guys and were happy for her to be friends with him....but not when he starts being so dependent on her and so overtly sexual that it impacts your marriage. Remind her that you feel this way because you want your marriage to be your, and her, #1)

Id say to her that this guy has crossed emotional and sexual boundaries consistently and caused a rift in your marriage so that you think that if she wanted to make sure your reln worked, she should be cutting contact

I know exactly what your saying and usually sitting down and talking responsibly about it would be fine... but it is just ridiculous she let it get to this stage!!! It's obvious she's bull****ting and in the wrong as obvious as night and day.

ceadaoin.

jbjthesecond wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies,
While he was texting a lot at the beginning, I had no problem with it. I would even ask her to go to his place of work to pick up supplies for my business. But at that time, I had no idea what was going on. The problem arose when I found out that my wife lied and deleted phone calls to cover her tracks. And the personal questions that he asked were face to face. I can't understand why she didn't cut all contact with him after that.

She has told him to stop texting a few times but he usually texts back with a pity story or a problem. And she keeps falling for it. My wife has assured me that all the sleazy talk has stopped but I don't like the fact that he is becoming increasingly needy. I also think that he believes that I am the cause of her not texting him back. When she asked him to stop texting before, his messages to her afterwards implied that she couldn't text him back because I was not allowing it. All I want to do is make my wife see the potential danger.
Thanks again

The fact that she lied to you rings alarm bells for me. Why is she protecting him at the expense of your relationship? What has she got to hide?

Most people wouldn't have entertained him from the very start, as soon as he sent the dirty joke. If that was me I would have told him to get lost and put him down as a total sleaze!

It seems like things are progressing further and she is making no effort to stop it. She has already lied to you so why should you believe her when she says the sleazy talk has stopped? This is unlikely as it seems this is what the whole 'friendship' was based on in the first place.

What next? They meet up for a drink behind your back?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

As the others have said, this is a pretty terrible situation for you and to be totally honest I don't think the guy is totally to blame. If he was texting your wife dirty messages and conducting secret calls with her, which she then lied about and tried to cover, what do you think she was saying/texting to him? Do you honestly think she played innocent the entire time and it was only him pursuing things in such a manner?

I would imagine that she has lead him on significantly and has gone at least as far as talking dirty with him when he has initiated it. She obviously has some attachment to him in that she can't just walk away from the situation too. It's terrible that she has done so much to destroy the trust in your relationship, you honestly can't know what she's up to at the moment as long as he's in the picture. Even if she claims he's out of the picture, you'll never truly know either.

I think you should man up over this and tackle it head on. I think first you should sit your wife down and tell her that you're going to go down and confront the guy, so you want to know exactly what she has been saying to him and how "dirty" things have gotten between them. Gauge her honesty, try to tell if she's telling the truth or not. Ask her how she would feel if she found you texting dirty messages with another woman and hiding phonecalls between you two. Then, either do it yourself or make her do it while she's infront of you, have her delete his number, her call logs, and every message he has sent. Let her know there'll be repercussions if you find her contacting him again. Let her also know that she has totally blown your trust in her with her behaviour here and that she now has to rebuild that, and there's nothing you can to do help her on that, it's up to her to do herself. Let her know the damage this has caused the relationship and that it will take time to heal and that future incidents like this could well be a deal breaker for you.

Then, once you've deleted him from her side of the story, go down and confront him. Ask him does he feel it's appropriate to be discussing such matters with a married woman, in full knowledge that she has a husband. If he says at any point that she was texting him dirty stuff or playing into the situation, I would trust him on it as it's more than likely she did. Tell him that this is the last you want to see or hear from him and that he is to never contact your wife again. Like you did with your wife, watch him delete her number, her texts and his call log. Let him know that if you find out he has been contacting her ever again, there'll be serious consequences. I know you can't advocate violence on this forum, so I won't, but I will say that it's a consequence that I personally would consider if he did not sort his behaviour out immediately.

Your wife has obviously been eating out of the palm of this guys hand and reciprocating his advances and this won't be sorted unless you sort BOTH of them out. Your wife is bang out of line here and is acting like she's totally innocent when all evidence points to her at the very least leading him on (sexually) and who knows what extent it has gone to. A decent, confrontational warning towards him should sort him out, but it's dealing with her attitude on the matter that you're going to find the most difficult.

Best of luck with it regardless. This is one of those unfortunate situations that if it were a new relationship, you could easily walk away from her and move on, but ultimately if things like this aren't nipped on the bud, long term relationships end up destroyed.

LegacyUser

OP I'm sorry to say this but I really think your wife is having an affair or is very close to. Speaking as a faithful woman I can say that any woman who is faithful to her husband would cut all contact after even one txt. Women who allow such contact to continue are either having an affair or about to from my experience. The fact that shes already lying to you and deleting logs is enough.
However for future reference you should never have allowed it to get to this stage. You are a man, you are supposed to be assertive and you have not even confronted this man (non violently obviously) after the repeated txts?
Sit down your wife and tell her you think shes having an affair and want the truth, tell her if shes honest you'll forgive her (you dont have to hold to this) but if shes not your out of there

Kevin Duffy

I wouldn't ordinarily be a confrontational or violent person, but I think I'd have boxed the fúcking head off this toerag long before now.

irishdude11

I don't know if you are in denial or just extremely naive OP but this is ridiculous behaviour on your wife's part. This guy's goal from the start has been to have sex with your wife, duh, and there is no question that your wife knew this. So why has she kept in contact with him? Any decent woman in a relationship would not entertain this crap for a second.

Does it sound like this man may have more than plutonic feelings for my wife?

This is mad, are you living on another planet...it couldn't be any more obvious that this guy is after your wife.

My wife has assured me that all the sleazy talk has stopped

So you are assured that the sleazy talk has stopped? Just like you were assured that she wasn't talking to him on the phone the day you called her at work.

I also think that he believes that I am the cause of her not texting him back.

And what would the problem with that be?

It's a decent bet that your wife has already slept with this guy, it seems to me that you are so naive that she could tell you anything and you'll buy it. Deal with the facts. She knows this guy wants to have sex with her. Yet instead of telling him to p*ss off or blanking him she has been in non-stop contact with him for several months (15-20 texts A DAY as well as phone calls) and has been having sexually explicit chats with him and talking about his personal problems. Those are the facts. If Paddy Power offered me 6/4 odds that this guy hasn't screwed your wife already I wouldn't take the bet.

(If she has already had sex with him, ignore the next bits as you should just ditch her)

It is time you told this guy to get on his bike. Ring him up and tell him to go and f*ck himself and not to contact your wife again. Simple as that. You've dealt with this situation in a such a weak way. Your wife has probably been getting a kick out of yer man because he is showing he has balls by making a move when it is inappropriate whereas you don't have the balls to tell him & her off even though you are in the right.

I would also advise you to tell the wife, 'it's him or me' - tell her you the relationship is over if she doesn't drop this guy. Because what kind of marriage is it anyway when you have one party engaging in this type of behaviour. I'm sure she can find other friends, ones who won't be asking her if she has a shaved p*ssy and who want to have sex with her.

Janet1986

My sister went through the same thing.

Guy kept texting her and would ask her is she ok when she wouldn't answer etc

Unfortunately my sister was having an affair with the guy and he become totally obsessive and can't accept that it's now over.

He still continues to txt and call to the house etc

She's constantly looking over her shoulder.

Action needs to be taking fast other poster.

God...

I have read this a few times and still in disbelieve!!!!

OH MY GOD!!! Get down to that mans shop FIRST THING and sort it out and get rid of the her!!!! Playing you for an absolute idiot!!

Mulan

WTF ........Seems to me that the wife has enjoyed alot of this. Did she change numbers etc??, I'd have been down there after the first sex joke text to sort it out. jeremy kyle show material

LegacyUser

To be really frank, there are three people at fault for this and you are one of them OP. You needed to act like a man and nip this in the bud right away but you didn't. Not attractive and now your wife has evidently lost all respect for you.

zxcvbnm1

Ya - OP - as other posters have said, you've seriously got to grow a pair.

This guy i sobviously after your wife - and she is clearly playing along - and yet you are asking naive questions such as 'I wonder does he have secret intentions'

Op - these are not secret intentions at all. They are very much not secret intentions.
You're just standing back and allowing all thsi go on in front of you.

When i first read your post i assumed it was your wife that was naive.

However - it seems clear that she's well in te hloop her eand it is in fact you that is teh naive one.

OP - act now - or else lose her respect and you own self-respect.

Emme

OP, I would confront the man who's sending your wife texts. Is he married? If so I'm sure his wife would like to know what's going on.:rolleyes:

OS119

Emme wrote: »

OP, I would confront the man who's sending your wife texts. Is he married? If so I'm sure his wife would like to know what's going on.:rolleyes:

maybe he should confront his wife.

unless the OP had a very unusual wedding ceremony this weirdo/lothario wasn't there and didn't promise him anything. his wife did.

Hazys

OP seriously wake up. The thread should be titled "Does my wife have secret motives?"

Maybe something has happened or maybe not but its clear your wife is upto something.

I'm not going to bother going fully into your post because i stopped at this:

Your wife told you the reason she gave him her number was so he could text her a joke.

Why didn't he just tell her the joke?


Seems like a bad lie from your wife. Even if the joke had to be in writting to be funny (which i doubt), its a ridiculous reason to give somebody your phone number without any sort of rapport being built up beforehand.


I think you want to believe that you wife is completely innocent and its all this guy doing (obviously hes the main factor) but your wife is playing you.

Your man is a problem but what your wife is doing is a lot bigger problem. Your always going to meet a creep who wants to hook up with your OH, so you and your wife should be able to brush that aside...but its obvious your wife doesnt want it to end or wants it to go further.

Zen65

jbjthesecond wrote: »

Am I overreacting? Is this common behaviour for married men? Does it sound like this man may have more than plutonic feelings for my wife?

Op,

You are not over-reacting. Indeed you have left it very late to react at all.

This man is treating your wife as a surrogate for his own. At the moment he may simply be basking in the intimacy of their relationship..... the fact that he has a relationship with her that excludes you. He may well be delusional enough to think that she will leave you for him, and he is "grooming" her to do just that. Using pathos (in the form of exaggerating a shared problem with her) to build a closeness with her is a common approach for manipulative people. Your wife is feeling "special" because he chooses to share these issues with her, but the objective for him is simply to establish a closeness from which he can move to more sexual conversation. If he fails with her he will try with others. He probably already has behaved this way with other women.

At best, he gets his thrills from those sexual conversations. At worst, he is plotting to move the relationship to become a sexual one.

You do need to act. Firstly, you need to tell your wife that you are not happy with her having any contact with him. You are justified in saying so because she has already lied about their chats & texts. If this were an innocent friendship she would have been open with you about it.

The problem facing you both is that this man will, as you say yourself, believe that if she stops talking with him it is because you have stopped her. He will not accept that, and will continue to "pester" her. If she responds even once with anything remotely friendly he will be convinced he is in the right and this will not end.

The solution really requires a complete break from him, including a change in phone number. She should not go to his place of business any more if it's possible to avoid it.

You should not be too harsh with your wife, she may have been foolish but you should not underestimate how manipulative this man has been. If there are no kids on the scene, you should probably be very up-front with her and tell her this is a make-or-break issue for you as a couple, because you know, that's what it is.

Be at peace,


Z