my life is a mess

LegacyUser

ok this is going to be a long one.
I am screwed and I don't know what to do. I've pretty much been living a double life the last year. I lost my job a couple of years ago and was kinda forced by my parents to do a post grad in primary teaching. After about 6 months i realised i had no interest in it. teaching practice scared the **** out of me. i started missing classes and then it all went down hill from there. i was due to do my final teaching practice and i got so scared i just deferred it for another time. then the lying started. i told my parents all was fine and that i was doing the course as normal. told my boyfriend that there were problems from the colleges side and i'd have to wait to do my teaching practice. My parents think i'm finished college and looking for work. my boyfriend thinks i'm waiting to do my final teaching practice and is wondering why nothing has happened yet. i contacted the college a few months ago in a spurt of energy to arrange to do my teaching practice. they told me i couldnt do it for at least 6 months and i'd have to go back to college in the meantime to get familiar with the course again. i'v done neither. i keep trying to get my act together but i just chicken out at the last minute. my boyfriend lost his job and is eager to emigrate with me as soon as i am done. but i won't ever be done the way things are going. i can't sleep at night now and am starting to have panic attacks. i can't tell my parents or my boyfriend the truth because it would kill them and they would just kill me. i've told so many lies that i am just stuck now and i don't know what to do.

I am crippled by guilt because i know i was so fortunate to get the chance to study and get a new career, when so many people are strugging to get into college and make a new life for themselves. I know people will tell me to just cop on, tell the truth and move on but i can't. i am completely at a loss and don't know what i can do. i would just leave the country and get a normal job but i am broke and can't afford to. i really don't think teaching is for me but there is no work in my previous job either so i can't fall back on that. I havent been able to talk to anyone about it to get advice so i'm hoping there will be some words of wisdom here. thanks

Mighty_Mouse

So what if teaching is not for you?

Sounds like you are trying to force your life down a path determined by parents, friend, boyfriend. What do you want to do? What do you like to spend you time doing............painting, writing, reading, cooking, music (playing or attending live gigs), sports, nutrition................etc etc

Put yourself out there. Find out your likes dislikes & interests and then try a way to make money from it.
e.g.
You like clothes? Work in a clothes shop, take a design course,
You like clothes & writing...........start a fashion blog, take journalism course, work towards tv presenting..............etc
Say you sports , pilates, yoga................become a teacher, get your qualifications & start running courses.
Nutrition..... nutritionist, dietitian.........
Music - listening - working in a live music bar, learn how to book bands, run pubs,Playing - teach grinds, set-up a band, become a sound engineer.
Cooking - sell food at farmers markets.

Follow your interests. You may not be rich have a super-secure income until the day you die, but you'll be happy.

shellyboo

You really need to come clean. I was in a very similar situation to you -- about to fail all my finals, not sleeping, panic attacks just thinking about going to lectures. I really didn't like my course either and I let it spiral into a massive hole that I couldn't dig myself out of at all. Lies upon lies upon lies.

You're not going to like this, but it's the only way forward: You MUST tell your family and boyfriend the truth.

They might be disappointed in you, they might be cross that you lied. But more than anything they'll be concerned that you're making yourself sick just to keep from disappointing them. If they really love you, all they want is for you to be happy. That's what I found out when I finally admitted things to my parents.

They took me to the GP and I was diagnosed as depressed. The medication and counselling helped, but more than anything, the feeling of RELIEF that I didn't have to lie anymore helped me sleep at night.

Please, please tell your boyfriend the truth. Ask him to help you come clean to your parents. I promise that the world will still go on, and that you'll feel better once you do. The guilt you're feeling now is crippling you... that will go away as soon as you stop lying to your family.

chickenbutt

Completely agree with Shellyboo, you need to tell them the truth otherwise this whole situation is going to become even more difficult to get out of. They'll be upset, but in the long run you will feel better for getting out of the situation. Spend some time researching other fields you'd rather go into, because there is no point in wasting time and money on studying something you hate and makes you miserable. But you have to tell them the truth before this gets out of hand even more than it already is.

LegacyUser

thanks so much for the advice, I know its the right thing to do but to hear someone else say it makes a difference. I am afraid to disappoint my parents but I know myself that i can't keep this up. thanks for the kind words.