Friends and Relationships

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one. Sorry for the long post......

I was in a long term relationship (7years)that ended badly about a two years ago but had amazing friends who helped me get back on track. So the I met a guy in February& for the first time I felt that spark. We started seeing each other and all is going really well. We both work away so only see each other two days a week.

Now my best friend who I have been friends with for near fifteen years doesn't ask me about him or mention it, pretty much at all!! She won't meet him unless he happens to bump into us when I'm out with my own friends, which happened twice. He recently invited her to his birthday drinks and she didn't want to go as it would be his friends who she hasn't met. I understand she doesn't want to tag along but he really wants to get to know her as he knows we are very close.

I really am trying to balance friends with this new guy. I would hate to let a new relationship affect my friendship with her but finding it very hard. I have two days a week to see him and her and feel constantly torn as she told me she will not socialise with him and his friends, or with me,him and some of my other friends who are part of a couple. She is one of the few of us who is single still so I kinda get the feeling it makes her feel a bit lonely or something, which I understand because I know it can be hard being the single one in a group. But would love her to come out and have fun with us&get to know him a bit.

Any ideas or advice??

Wibbs

Better here OP

I am a friend

Now this is going to sound bad so apologies in advance - did you bore the head off her when you were breaking up with your ex? Or have you been going on a lot about men and / or your new man????

I suspect she just doesnt like him or maybe she doesnt want to get to know him and his friends as it would then be rehashed over and over.... Just a thought...

ash23

From your friends perspective, I can see where she is coming from. A good friend of mine, who always came out with me and called to my house etc, has gotten married and now I never see her. She never calls/texts, never wants to go anywhere, never wants to go out unless it's with him. It gets boring and it's hurtful.
Even when she asks me to call over to her it's when he's away.

I've actually just stopped texting her and I'm placing bets with myself as to how long it will take her to call/text me. I'm not holding my breath. She hasn't been in my house since before Christmas. I've been to hers a few times since then but it's too much of a one way street.
I suggest you arrange a night out/in, just the two of you and don't make it about your new guy. She might be just sick of listening to it all.

LegacyUser

Now this is going to sound bad so apologies in advance - did you bore the head off her when you were breaking up with your ex? Or have you been going on a lot about men and / or your new man????

+1!!! Possibly the most irritating thing in the world tbh. That friend who everyone rallies round to help when she breaks up with a bf, but as soon as she gets another a new one its like groundhog day, the (understandable) moaning is replaced by constant drooling and fawning about the new guy...ugh! i don't know which is worse! Not saying that's you OP but it's something to be aware of especially since your friend is single. If you're happy good for you enjoy it! but have some tact, keep it to yourself, the world doesn't really need to know! there's no need to shove it in her face constantly!

So the I met a guy in February& for the first time I felt that spark. We started seeing each other and all is going really well

she told me she will not socialise with him and his friends, or with me,him and some of my other friends who are part of a couple.

And rightly so imho, you've only know this guy for 2 months!!!. Surely at this stage ye're just still 'dating'?! Suddenly acting like ye're a full on couple so soon is a bit much no? Also she's single why on earth would you think she'd want to sit there with a group of couples feeling like a leaper! of course she'll feel left out and lonely!!
Are any of your 'bf's' friends single? or are her only options going out with a load of couples she knows or a load she doesn't know?

I know you're all loved up and happy OP but it's very early days, just stop and think for a minute, if the situation was reversed and your friends was dating a guy for 2 months and wanted you to socialise with her and all your couple friends, or her bf and all his friends, after only being with him for 2 months, are you honestly saying you'd be completely ok with that? That you wouldn't feel even the tiniest bit hurt, or leftout?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the posts. I appreciate any feedback!!

"IAMFRIEND"..I see your point about talking about him....I'm not sure if I drone on about him.. I make an effort not to mention him at all, because she doesn't bring him up, I don't want to bore her to bits!! I prob did go on about him the first two times I met him though alright. But stopped after that!

Sunflower27- They met twice. First time she kinda said hello but stayed chattin to other friends. Second time they chatted away but both were quiet drunk!

Being honest I'm not the head over heels type girl. As another poster said it is very early days and I'm not the sort to dump friends for anybody.... I would definitely say i leaned on her after my breakup. Probably bored her silly for about three months, she was great!! The last year and half or more then has been just me&her as single girls having fun, holidays etc.

See I do understand where she is coming from, a lot of my friends were in relationships when I was single so I totally get that she doesn't want to feel like the odd one out. But its just that I'm only home two nights a week. She won't socialise with me&him or his friends(a lot of who are single&one is handsome!!!!) and as I said the rest of our friends are coupled off. thanks for the post "friendinneed" I have tried to make an effort like setting up a girlie weekend in April, a girls holiday in August, and I try nearly every weekend to either have lunch/dinner or drinks one of the days with her and I would ring or text her at least once during the rest of the week, but she is still acting off with me.

Maybe it is she doesn't like him...not sure how I would suss that out without being very blunt and just asking her outright??

I really don't want her to feel left out, or like I have some other priority... I think that is my main concern really because she has been an amazing friend and I would hate any guy(even a nice one) to alter that! I might just be being a bit selfish wanting to be able to go out with both of them together so I don't have to choose. any ways thanks for the replies and if any of ye have ideas on how to sort it I am all ears

Chinafoot

There's also the possibility that as you only see him twice a week, and have only been seeing him for 2 months, your friend doesn't want to feel like she's intruding.

LegacyUser

I think that is my main concern really because she has been an amazing friend and I would hate any guy(even a nice one) to alter that! I might just be being a bit selfish wanting to be able to go out with both of them together so I don't have to choose.

You know it could be this.
she could feel that you aren't actually making an effort to see her
You're just kind of organising your time around him and expecting her to tag along just to make you feel like you're including her, but you're really not, no one wants to be gate crashing a date!. Kind of like making a dentists appointment and asking her to come along so you get to spend time with her. She wants to spend time with YOU her friend. Not some guy you're seeing, or a bunch of randomers. I have no solution for you i'm afraid, other than actually talking to her about it and try and find out how she feels.

IrishEyes19

friendsinneed wrote: »

+1!!! Possibly the most irritating thing in the world tbh. That friend who everyone rallies round to help when she breaks up with a bf, but as soon as she gets another a new one its like groundhog day, the (understandable) moaning is replaced by constant drooling and fawning about the new guy...ugh! i don't know which is worse! Not saying that's you OP but it's something to be aware of especially since your friend is single. If you're happy good for you enjoy it! but have some tact, keep it to yourself, the world doesn't really need to know! there's no need to shove it in her face constantly!





And rightly so imho, you've only know this guy for 2 months!!!. Surely at this stage ye're just still 'dating'?! Suddenly acting like ye're a full on couple so soon is a bit much no? Also she's single why on earth would you think she'd want to sit there with a group of couples feeling like a leaper! of course she'll feel left out and lonely!!
Are any of your 'bf's' friends single? or are her only options going out with a load of couples she knows or a load she doesn't know?

I know you're all loved up and happy OP but it's very early days, just stop and think for a minute, if the situation was reversed and your friends was dating a guy for 2 months and wanted you to socialise with her and all your couple friends, or her bf and all his friends, after only being with him for 2 months, are you honestly saying you'd be completely ok with that? That you wouldn't feel even the tiniest bit hurt, or leftout?

hang on there, the OP never said she was full on with this guy, nor did she say if there wasnt other single people out other,
if that was me, OP, just ask her directly whats up.
But its riddiculous to assume the OP, has dropped her friends because of a relationship, when the OP here is clearly insinuating thats exactly what she ISNT doing.