How to develop confidence?

LegacyUser

Ok, so as the title suggests, I'm lacking in confidence.

How do I become more confident in general? I'm a 21 year old guy, and basically I just feel inferior to a lot of people - especially around girls - and I don't know why. On paper I should have no problems - I'm quite smart, I play sports, I'm musical and I am a good looking guy. I've had a great upbringing with a supportive family and I like to think that I have a clear head on my shoulders so to speak. Yet I often find myself comparing myself to other people and getting down about them being better than me at certain things. I don't know why I do this but I always do.

I want to be the best at everything I do I suppose. I can't shake that way of thinking. I should be satisfied with my talents but I can't be. I play rugby and I see someone else who's better than me and it drives me crazy that I'm not a better player than him. Similarly with musical ability and college results. I always have to be number one.

How do I stop this? How do I be content with my lot?

Coming back to girls, I can only seem to "score" when I'm drunk. Never sober. Anytime I have a feeling that a girl is interested in me I basically get scared. If she holds eye contact with me, my heart skips a beat and I can't keep up the eye contact. It's always me who breaks it. If she make the 1st move, my mind goes blank and I generally tend to misinterpret her signs/actions and I do nothing. When I'm drunk though I generally have no problems in this regard - unless I find the girl really attractive and then I usually do nothing because I'm always thinking "there's no way a girl this pretty could like me".

Any advice/anecdotes would be welcome. Cheers.

Genghiz Cohen

I was shy in secondary school.
I started chatting to random shopkeepers, a joke or smartarse comment here and there. Maybe get a little flirty if they were up for it
Eventually it passed into all my conversations and it has been remarked more than once about how I am very confident with other people.
It all clicked when I realised, I'll probably never meet or talk to this person again (shopkeeper/barman/whatever) so why should I care if I make an ass of myself?

Knasher

Honestly you sound like a much more confidant person than I am so it's a little bit weird me telling you this. But I have put a reasonable amount of thought (but precious little effort) into remedying this so here is my advice.

Confidence comes from experience, however women are attracted to confidence (in my observations) so the only way to get experience is to be confidant. Catch-22. Luckily it's quite hard to spot if somebody is only acting confidentially. So the answer is simple, you need to act confidentially until you don't need to act any more.

Easier said than done I know, but honestly the only way to deal with fear is to face it.

cantdecide

The phrase 'negative perfectionist' is one that struck a chord with me years ago. It sums me up perfectly. If I can't be the best at something, I use it as a means of beating myself up. I'm "the best" at very little but I know now I'm very good at LOTS of stuff!

Feign confidence. When you train yourself to be more positive, you can eventually actualise these positive behaviours. In the meantime, it can be your own little secret. You sound like you have lots going for you so go in peace. Tell that little voice to hush up and go enjoy your life.