lies

LegacyUser

I'm hoping I actually go through with posting this and don't chicken out. I know I'm going to get major negative feedback, deservedly so. But I need to get things out in the open somehow.

Don't really know where to start...

Am engaged to long term partner. Moved to another country to pursue a specific field after unsuccessfully trying to work at home for a long time. Am now living abroad for 3 years almost. At first I commuted back and forth alot. This became less as time went on. My partner was very tied up with his business especailly with the recession. The relationship pretty much put on the backburner, by both of us it has to be said. Somewhere along the line I became settled in this new country and felt very disconnected to home. At the same time I started meeting other men. At first the friends I had made here were shocked as they knew I had a relationship at home. But over time and with more settling, I found myself in a circle who don't even know I have someone at home. So now it was easy to live life as a single person, dating, getting involved in other potential relationships but also with this person at home waiting.

I'm living a double life. I feel like Im in a movie and I have no control over this. The initial breakdown of the relationship I believe was both of our faults. But I never would have imagined I could get myself into a mess like this. Its not even as though Ive found someone else. I'm p!ssing away all the time we've spent together for casual empty encounters. I've always had trouble controlling when I'm attracted to someone, it feels somehow as though I can't NOT be with them. I have carried huge guilt (and rightly so)over this and cried myself to sleep. But now Ive plateaued somehow and am juts drifting numbly and waiting for the inevitable explosion. I know its inevitable. I know how I sound. Pathetic. But I juts can't see a way out now without a big traumatic revelation. I've thought aoubt trying to fix things with my partner but i know I can't let him live his life with someone who he doesn't know what theyre capable off. But I also know that Ive done a good job of making him think things are ok-ish. So if I finish it he'll dig around and I'm petrified he'll find out. For my own sake for one thing,but mostly I juts can't bear the hurt for him. I really cant. The thought of it makes me physically sick. I see all the contradictions in my feelings but I don't know how to fix it. I'm 35 next month. Im not a child. I come across grounded and decent but I really am not. Ive no control over my own life. The web of lies Ive told is terrifying, nobody would believe the truth if it was told. I just don't know what to do. I just want to disappear.

Curry Addict

just end it with the guy at home. neither of ye have invested in your "relationship" so its harldy going to be a shock and its not as if its important to anyone. you reap what you sow and you are who u are.
being upset at your own behavior at 35 is very imature and rather pathetic tbh.

IrishEyes19

Curry Addict wrote: »

just end it with the guy at home. neither of ye have invested in your "relationship" so its harldy going to be a shock and its not as if its important to anyone. you reap what you sow and you are who u are.
being upset at your own behavior at 35 is very imature and rather pathetic tbh.

Harsh much?? :eek:

OP, firstly I dont think you are immature or pathetic, anybody in your situation would feel guilty and lost. I do agree however on ending the current relationship, you dont sound like you even love the man, so perhaps end it and see where you go next. no one can blame you for that. but cheating isnt getting you anywhere and its going to only ruin your reputation if he finds out and starts talking. Be brave and end your relationship if thats what you want.

Taltos

OP - you keep saying that things are out of your control and that you are waiting for it to fall apart...

You do know - that by not acting - you will force the worst to happen.
You alone have control over your life - you have chosen to meet other guys, you chose to come here. Now for the hard and the easy part - choose to act now - immediately - contact your partner and just be as honest as you are comfortable in being.

No need to go to the details - just tell him that in your time apart you have changed and have realised that as a couple you are both no longer suited. Thank him for all the good times and for waiting but that you now know that it just is not going to work.
So what if he digs... Who is going to tell him what you have gotten up to? Normally I am all for honesty but in this case all I can see it doing is torturing him. It might ease your guilt to be honest but it more than likely will rip him apart.
Don't lead him on - don't say lets meet up in a while, or time will tell - end it permanently, even go so far as telling him that as much as it hurts that the only way forward is to break all contact, no messages, texts etc - and don't reply when they start. Also if he talks about coming over - nip that in the bud - all that will do will cause things to spiral if he does bump into you with someone else.

Be ready for the question - "Is there someone else?" - you could be honest and tell him that there are a few - or you tell him that while there is no-one currently what happens after today will be up to you alone and no-one else...

Maybe consider though after you ending it - just taking some time for yourself without rushing into another relationship - try to understand why you did what you did so you can try to prevent it repeating in your next relationship...

missgroovy21

not going to judge you....i think your underlying issue may be that you want intamacy with ur boyfriend at home and miss him and want to be with him etc etc but empty experiences isnt the answer....

you need to see him.....talk about ur feelings tell him you've been unfaithful because you've been unhappy etc etc...tell him that doesnt excuse what you've done and you want to be honest and try and fix things......

make time to see him though that is the key thing...come clean!!! you may break up....you may do a ross and rachel and take a break see how you feel but ultimately its time to fish and cut bait!!!!

in the long term you'll be happier for it!!!