Libido gone

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one.
I was cheated on last year by my boyfriend,it was a one off(a story that I don't want to get into here as have friends that visit this site).Dumped him immediately and tried desperately to pick up my shattered heart,this was the guy I genuinely thought I'd spend the rest of my life with,best friend,treated me like a queen every day(though obviously not on the day s**t happened). For the next 6 or 7 months I couldn't eat/sleep,lost loads of weight till it got to the point work colleagues were telling me I looked like hell.So I did a lot of thinking and soul searching,I had ALWAYS maintained if people cheat once etc etc. but now I was thinking what if he is the one and I walk away with giving it one more go,is this what I'll regret in yrs to come.So we got back together.
We're together now 6 months and it's going really well,except I have lost all sexual urges for him.Still love him to bits but I don't initiate any sexual contact.I know it's gone because I don't 100% trust him.....is there anything to be done or are we doomed?Sorry for going on,head's a mess.

krd

It is the trust. It doesn't happen to everyone. It's a very natural reaction.

Give it time - the trust might just come back by itself. It is something you have to feel - it's not something you can make up your mind about.

You're probably still very hurt. There's no magic fix. Getting stressed about it won't fix it. If everything else is going well the chances are it will work out fine. You'll wake up one day and the hurt will be gone and you'll trust him.

You might have to lower your standard of trust a little - 100% is an unrealistic expectation. Try 99%.

LegacyUser

OP here,thanks for the replies,Sunflower it was a one off incident,he was mindlessly drunk on the night it occured(I found out from the other party,when I told him I knew he had no recollection of it),he is more careful now when it comes to drink.
I think one of the problems is that the relationship was as perfect as I ever imagned a relationship to be before that night,now I'm afraid he's going to mess it up again-kind of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop....he's been brilliant since we've gotten back together,he knows full well if he messes up once more I'll be out the door.
When I'm with him I don't think about it as much,but when I'm on my own my mind starts on overdrive-what if he does it again,have I made a mistake in getting back together and now my libido is gone how am I going to get it back......

jordainius

I HATE when people use being drunk as an excuse, I've a friend I've known for years, doesn't get drunk often but when he does get drunk, he NEVER shuts up about his girlfriend, now fiancee! Crazy about her. Alcohol is seen as such an easy excuse to justify just about anything. Anyway, that's a bit of a tangent.

I personally believe you made the wrong decision getting back with him- I'm not saying you should never have full stop, but I do think you got back too soon. Your description of the time after the breakup and how it affected you suggests to me that you still weren't over it, and rather than deal with the issues affecting you, you avoided the issues by taking the guy back.

Don't worry about your "libido". It's not important. (Ok, sex is important in a relationship but in the grand scheme of things its relatively unimportant.)

What's important here is the trust- you don't have to trust him, trust is either there or it isn't, so if you still can't trust him, that's totally fair in your case, and its fair if you never trust him again. He betrayed you, that can't be changed ever

So don't waste another second worrying about your libido!
An uncomfortable chat is required between the two of you in my opinion. It's clear you don't (fully) trust him. You need to ask yourself do you think that trust will ever be 100% restored? If not, do you honestly think you can remain in that relationship? (It's possible! I wouldn't be able to personally but some people can.)

My opinion- you had a great relationship, it ended as a result of him cheating, you gave it another go and while it has gone reasonably well it's just not the same anymore, is it? Not looking good...

I'm sorry you're in this position.

missgroovy21

i dont mean to be blunt but once a cheater always a cheater!!!! you are obviously feeling self conscious which is inevitable after what happened......

as for the sex thing.....unless you trust him theres no point in taking your relationship any further...if you are trying to trust him then take things slowly.....

in this case if you feel attractive on the outside then you will fell attractive on the inside so maybe dont see him for a few days...organise a romantic night or weekend away....get your hair done...nails massage...waxing etc!!! get a new outfit....and a visit to ann summers!!! watch a movie with an actor you think is hot......go on our romantic date...(1) absence makes the heart grow fonder (2) you'll feel great, you'll get compliments and you'll feel sexy...

(3) make sure he knows all the effort you made but do it slyly dont make it obvious and go from there.....if he cheats again!!! DUMP HIM!!!!!