My man and me... it is so worrying.

LegacyUser

We've been together for years and years, are not married. We worked hard at it, and it is (was) great.

My man is a gentle giant. He loves me to bits and I him. But.....

We are not intimate anymore. He does not want sex, or hugs, or anything lately. We talked about it, and he cannot give an answer, except the usual I'm fed up, or another not nicey, you smoke and that is a bit of a passion killer, after yonks together when that never mattered (or maybe it did).

He is into fitness I am not, never was (as in gym) but I walk and swim and we eat good food.

He took early retirement from a highly responsible position ( he much older than me). So am thinking, he is losing his self esteem from work.

Work seems very important to the males of this world.

I've tried to get him involved in volunteering (no), coaching the kids around the area in sports (no), joining a walking group (maybe, but did nothing about it).

I'm a bit stuck here. At the moment, I'm not too worried about the bedroom, I think it is all about not working. Hunter gatherer and all that. BTW the early retirement package was an offer you couldn't refuse, but I don't think he had time to plan for a life without work. If we were both work free things might be different, but I work in a highly paid, very busy job. Maybe he is envious of this?

Just wondered if anyone out there had similar problems with their man. Thanks.

Maybe I should post this on the golden oldies thread or whatever it's called !

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Maybe I'm qualified to answer as me & hubbie are in late 30s... far from golden oldies, but right now our relationship is just about sexless as well, so I'd like to see the responses to this thread.

I've talked to some wise older folk - if there is such a thing! The concensus seems to be that after the initial crazy sex phase of about 2-3yrs (years ago in our case) people settle back into their regular sex drive pattern - and that this regular sex drive seems to stay consistent throughout life, right up to old age.

How long are you guys together? Is there a willingness to try to improve things or is he dismissive? Are there physical reasons? (- have you seen that Sex & the City episode where the brunette one does a 'test' on her low sex drive husband LOL

You seem to be wondering if you're still attractive to him. But I know women who are in terrible shape who's husbands still pester them for sex, so I'm not sure how related those things are, especially for men.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking I cannot accept a sexless marriage in the years ahead. If I was older I would maybe make different decisions. I'm sure people will suggest that you go to counselling. My husband won't - and I have yet to meet anyone for whom counselling has helped a sex life return - they say everything is the relationship is related but I'm not convinced. I would really love to hear some positive stories on this thread.

Sorry I can't be more help.

krd

calendar123 wrote: »

I'm a bit stuck here. At the moment, I'm not too worried about the bedroom, I think it is all about not working. Hunter gatherer and all that. BTW the early retirement package was an offer you couldn't refuse, but I don't think he had time to plan for a life without work. If we were both work free things might be different, but I work in a highly paid, very busy job. Maybe he is envious of this?

For lots of people work gives their lives meaning. If you take the work away, even if there isn't a money problem, it can lead to incredible stress. He could look at running a hobby business - something on the internet that doesn't involve much real pressure and doesn't take too much to set up. Some people sink into a felling retirement is death. Life can be stressful if you feel there are no goals.

Stress is the big intimacy killer.

Also, if you've ever, even inadvertently, status slapped him (like I'm the bread winner in this house now days, you'll be grateful, blah blah ugly blah). Envy does not hurt people half as much as having something rubbed in their faces. That can be a relationship killer. If you think your status at work should mean something at home - you may as well pack your bags and leave. And women walk out on their husbands when they feel they're being treated like an employee - a home is not like running a business.

Can you hear that sound? The sound of thousands of marriages cracking up around Ireland from people not being able to leave their job at the door. Lets face it. Most people in well paying jobs are pompous bullies - no one will ever love them for it - especially if they take it home.

I smoke. Though I have stopped for long occasions - I know what it can smell like. The smell of makeup, slightly stale perfume, and cigarettes, can be very nauseating. Like kissing an ash tray. The smell mostly sticks to your hands and face. It's actually really strong, stronger than smokers realise. From experience, being in a relationship with a non-smoker, she always let me know - so I had a habit of washing my hands and face after having a cigarette - even brushing my teeth or a mint. Most men do not actually like the smell of perfume (otherwise they'd wear it) smokers use way too much - anything that smells a bit like a cat (it's probably musk from the civet cat) throw in the bin.

Also, when you come home from the office - get out of the power dress as soon as you can - I don't mean hop into something sexy. I mean. Those clothes can be stressful. Looking sharp at home, can feel sharp.

You can't force intimacy - anything that ads stress will make things worse.

There could be some external factor that has nothing to do with you.

I can only speak from personal experience. I once had a boss, who would make snide cryptic remarks about my personal life in front of other people. I would feel sick for days and when I would get home I wouldn't let my partner touch me. This went on for a long time and contributed to the break down of the relationship.

I was never envious of my boss. I would not like to be someone like that for all the money in the world.

fungun

veryinteresting wrote: »

I'm sure people will suggest that you go to counselling. My husband won't - and I have yet to meet anyone for whom counselling has helped a sex life return - they say everything is the relationship is related but I'm not convinced. I would really love to hear some positive stories on this thread.

Myself and missus went to counselling for this very reason. BUT to begin with we were both agreed that in principle we wanted more. So not sure OP is there. Worked for us anyhow.