Splitting up and Broken Heart

ger5000

Hi Guys,

I'm new to all this so forgive me if i'm in the wrong place. My story begins like this. (I'm generally not an emotional person but recently i'm all over the place):

3 Years ago i was engaged, had a 4 bed semi detached and a dog to a girl i spent 8 years of my life with, the relationship was dead for awhile and i lived with it for some time, years in fact because i cared for her. I ended the relationship and started hooking up with a girl i worked with. She was new and exciting and everything i needed right then.

As the time went on, it became more serious and i had my reservations about it. i wasn't long out of the previous relationship and i was reluctant to continue with it as i never really had time to be single! We both really liked each other and had plenty of fun. We just clicked. Our personalities and sexually, her feelings for me grew stronger all the time and she didn't want me to go. I have to say my feelings for her grew and learned to be in love with her too but in the back of my head i wasn't sure if i could carry on as my emotions and feelings were all over the place.

In our 2.5 years together i went from being pretty broke, giving up the house to the 8 year ex and losing the dog (i did make some money from the house so not all bad). Both myself and the recently ex girlfriend had moved back to each others parents within a year of our relationship to save some money. She wanted her own place and i was fine with this. to say the least all of this took its toll on me and i never really dealt with it properly.

I became very down in the dumps, constantly.... however she loved me and she supported me through the times it all got to me. She was amazing, always picking me up and looking out for me. We decided before christmas that we would both move in together and take the next step around March, this would give both of us the time to save a few more quid for deposits, savings etc.. I was excited at first that i was finally moving out of the folks but as March got closer i started to panic that what if? what if i felt used like in the previous relationship? what if i was expected to cook and clean like i was before? what if she wants to get engaged next? have babies?, what if, what if, what if!!!!

It was doing my head in. i was over analyzing everything. I became more and more distant with her, i didn't want to go out or spend any money. looking back i really did not treat her like i should have. The more i thought about it the more i felt i was wasting her time. I knew she wanted kids and this was the most important thing in the world to her but i wasn't sure.... all my other thoughts were over ruling sense so i would tell her i didn't.

Anyway without dragging this out too long i ended up finishing it, suddenly! I panicked and panicked big time. I was a coward and ran away, my head was so mashed with the wrong thoughts that i felt i couldn't deliver what she wanted and that she would be better off with someone else. As you can imagine she was heart broken from this. I actually thought i was doing a just thing for her!!!

I felt i couldn't live like this anymore and decided to get counselling to help me feel like a normal person again. Why was i so afraid to commit?Have kids?feeling constantly depressed? etc. I've only done one session so i can't say if its helping.

Well 4-5 weeks have passed since, at the start i felt somewhat relieved but i have done plenty of soul searching since and them bam last week it hit me like a sledge hammer, the cloud lifted and i could see her for what she really is. an amazing woman that i should have grabbed with both hands and never let go off. I got in contact with her but she said i broke her heart, she went through hell and is getting through the other side. she said she lost her confidence (because i stopped being affectionate and she was always chasing me most likely) and she's now starting to get it back. She doesn't want to give it another try because she's afraid i'll do it again to her. (exactly a year ago i finished it but we got back after a week). I can understand where she is coming from, she has amazing friends and family and they are helping her get back to normal. She doesn't want me to contact her again and wants to get on with her life.

The thing is, i can't stop thinking of her. I miss her so much, she was my rock, best friend and lover. I feel totally lost without her and sadly i've realized all this far too late. She asked me not to contact her anymore, I promised her i would no longer get in touch with her so she has the time to find herself again. This is more painful than anything i have ever experienced. I promised myself that i will continue the counselling and try to get back to my normal self again as soon as possible.

I know deep down that no matter how painful all this is it would not be right to ask her back untill i feel normal again - define normal - not constantly sad and more myself.!
I love her so much and i feel like i have pushed her away so far that she'll never give me a chance to prove that i can make her happy and fulfill her dreams once i sort myself out. I know i can't ask her to put her life on hold but the thoughts of her meeting someone else to fulfill her dreams is tearing me in half. It should be me.

I suppose i'm just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar or am i the only person thats suffering like this?

LegacyUser

You sound incredibly selfish in your post. You want what you cant have, the thoughts of her moving beyond you hurts you, when you're the one that neglected her and broke up with her?!! If you actually love her, you'd let her get over you and move on. Let her go, she deserves someone who respects her. Do her a favour and don't contact her again.

maz99

Hi Ger,

first of all i'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
secondly, i've been feeling same way...down in the dumps and sad alot. My partner said he'd help me through it but cheated instead. but your partner sounds like a really good person and i really believe that if you could win her back whatever down feelings are there in you will start to lift. Doc explained to me its like a grey cloud that wont lift and she was sooo right. i'm on a very low antidepressant and cant tell how better i'm feeling.
please try and fight for her. and next i think you should just chat to your Doc. Counselling is a great help too but you may need that grey cloudlifted like i did before you can get working on feeling 'normal' again.
hope something helped here.
Keep the chin up Ger x

Kimia

ger5000 wrote: »

what if i was expected to cook and clean like i was before? what if she wants to get engaged next? have babies?, what if, what if, what if!!!!

This struck me. What, you don't think you should have to cook and clean? And of course engagement and babies is something a person in love may naturally want down the line.

You sound incredibly self-obsessed, leave your ex girlfriend alone and do some more soul searching.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

This struck me. What, you don't think you should have to cook and clean? And of course engagement and babies is something a person in love may naturally want down the line.

You sound incredibly self-obsessed, leave your ex girlfriend alone and do some more soul searching.

Eh... it sounds like he's doing some soul searching.

OP, 4-5 weeks after a break up is still early days. You are grieving. When going through a loss, it's very easy to start looking at things through rose coloured specs.
Be really honest here. What were your reservations? Were they simply commitmentphobia? Really?

If they were, then is there a valid basis for your commitmentphobia? Often people are commitment phobic when they feel that they haven't yet really lived; that they haven't achieved or done things or truly grown up or made their own mark on life as yet. In your case, you went from one relationship to another, so maybe those feelings are valid. Don't dismiss them now because the consequences of those feelings are your current grief.

I would give it one last shot. Write her a letter, not an email, and post it. Spell it all out. Say that it's your last contact and mean it.

It's up to her now. Often at the end of a relationship, people will often say they can't go back because 'you did this' or 'you did that', so you end up getting tied up in knots of guilt and regret. Although the guilt and regrets are valid, the real reason the wanted partner doesn't come back is not because of what happened last Christmas or whatever - it's because they don't want you NOW, so although you can learn from the mistakes you made in the past, don't get stuck in regret, beating yourself up about stuff you've already learnt from.
Grieving can feel like punishment. In your case especially because your actions led to this. If we all could see the future, none of us would make mistakes. You made the best decisions you could at the time.

You also need to start working on your life. Take up hobbies, do the things you've always wanted to. That will help you get through grieving, and mean that if she comes back, or you get into another relationship, you won't be feeling so incomplete and fearful.

ger5000

Thanks for your input people, some very valid points for me to take back here and i would like to make some comments.

"maz99", i appreciate your support here and understanding what its like to feel there is a constant heavy cloud following you around, you lose your personality, confidence and self worth. I hope you pull through your experience ok. Sounds like your going through a bad time and your boyfriend cheating on you hasn't helped the situation. My ex of 8 years walked all over me when i think back and didn't appreciate anything i did for her. I'm better now for not staying with her, i'm not suggesting you do the same. Perhaps you can work things out but right now you need to look after number 1. Try not to let the bad thoughts manifest too long, they only make it worse. I hope everything works out well for you

"Kimia", i think you got the wrong end of the stick here. I do cook and clean, i have no problem with this. I spent 4 years, every evening cooking dinners, i used to get up at 6am to get into work, i'd be home at 7pm and would have to cook a dinner because my ex at the time wouldn't cook!! She was happy to make "herself" a cup of tea and leave me to make my own. I would spend my entire weekend cleaning the house and gardening etc. so thats where that fear came from. I got walked on all over and a worse fool i was for it too. She would do nothing for me. So the fear of moving in with someone again brought up these anxieties....

"The Voice of experience" you asked me "What were your reservations? Were they simply commitmentphobia? Really?"

I have a lot of fears, most of them are really because of what i endured in my long term relationship and my experiences there. You sound like somebody who doesn't judge a person so easily so i will be honest. I gave myself to that girl of 8 years, i did everything for her, treated her like a queen and i received very little in return. She had no appreciation for the work i would do around the house or how much i would spend. I spent my life's savings on that house to make it a home for the two of us. I tiled all the floors and walls from the hallway, kitchen and dining area to the bathrooms. I put in all the electrics, lights, cookers etc. I designed the back garden and laid down sandstone slabs, small walls and planted hundreds of euros of plants and roses in the front and back garden but alas i may aswell have planted horse sh1t for all she was interested. To be fair to her she worked hard, a big problem was she worked all weekend so we never spent proper time together. At the time my mates were available alot so i would meet up with them but i became "institutionalised" by this and i started to prefer having the weekends to myself.... I booked a holiday to New York with some close friends and planned to get engaged, i had stopped spending money on the house and saved up for our trip away. We got engaged and the ring cost me a bloody fortune lol. Again looking at her face she didn't seem all that bothered. I thought she'd be so excited but she could be so cold sometimes. It was around then that i realized this is not going to last...... I began realising that no matter what i did around the house, my little projects were not enough to hide the real problem at force here. I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore. long story short we split up, she promised me she would change and make things better so we got back together. She did try to make things better but my heart was no longer in it (there is something else that happened around this time but i don't feel comfortable posting it here) . In time we split up again. I've probably posted this girl in bad light here, she had her good points too obviously as it wouldn't have lasted 8 years if she didn't. i have to laugh though cause she showed no interest in anything!!

I felt very guilty for a long long time after and i would fear this would happen all over again. Selfish, self obsessed yes. After everything i went through how could i not be!!

If your question refers to meeting other girls then no, i have no interest in other girls right now. Sure, i can look and i can acknowledge when someone is very pretty or attractive but right now its not on my list of things to do nor had it ever been when i was with my recent ex.

I admire your input here and everything you said here makes sense to me. I did beat myself up for a long time, i felt manipulated and i was afraid of it happening again so i built a big barrier around me. Of course this had its impact on my recent relationship. I would become very cold myself over the course of it.

The time alone however has given me room for thought, seeing things for what they really are, today i feel a lot better. Why should i feel guilty for what happened to my long term relationship, Jesus i couldn't have done anymore for her.... why continually beat myself up over it??? Not anymore, i'm sick of it.

I suppose i'm grieving yet at the same time healing so the breakup has been good in that sense. In my heart though i still feel she's the right girl for me. maybe in time our paths will cross again and something will blossom and if not i'll know i'll no longer carry the shackles and scars my long term relationship left me with. I'm a good person and a decent looking bloke so i'm sure when i'm better i'll make somebody very happy.

Apologies for babbling on but putting this out there feels therapeutic in its on way....

"thevoiceofexperience", your post today has helped me alot. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.

LegacyUser

ger5000 wrote: »

"The Voice of experience" you asked me "What were your reservations? Were they simply commitmentphobia? Really?"

I have a lot of fears, most of them are really because of what i endured in my long term relationship and my experiences there. You sound like somebody who doesn't judge a person so easily so i will be honest. I gave myself to that girl of 8 years, i did everything for her, treated her like a queen and i received very little in return. She had no appreciation for the work i would do around the house or how much i would spend. I spent my life's savings on that house to make it a home for the two of us. I tiled all the floors and walls from the hallway, kitchen and dining area to the bathrooms. I put in all the electrics, lights, cookers etc. I designed the back garden and laid down sandstone slabs, small walls and planted hundreds of euros of plants and roses in the front and back garden but alas i may aswell have planted horse sh1t for all she was interested. To be fair to her she worked hard, a big problem was she worked all weekend so we never spent proper time together. At the time my mates were available alot so i would meet up with them but i became "institutionalised" by this and i started to prefer having the weekends to myself.... I booked a holiday to New York with some close friends and planned to get engaged, i had stopped spending money on the house and saved up for our trip away. We got engaged and the ring cost me a bloody fortune lol. Again looking at her face she didn't seem all that bothered. I thought she'd be so excited but she could be so cold sometimes. It was around then that i realized this is not going to last...... I began realising that no matter what i did around the house, my little projects were not enough to hide the real problem at force here. I wasn't happy in this relationship anymore. long story short we split up, she promised me she would change and make things better so we got back together. She did try to make things better but my heart was no longer in it (there is something else that happened around this time but i don't feel comfortable posting it here) . In time we split up again. I've probably posted this girl in bad light here, she had her good points too obviously as it wouldn't have lasted 8 years if she didn't. i have to laugh though cause she showed no interest in anything!!

I felt very guilty for a long long time after and i would fear this would happen all over again. Selfish, self obsessed yes. After everything i went through how could i not be!!

If your question refers to meeting other girls then no, i have no interest in other girls right now. Sure, i can look and i can acknowledge when someone is very pretty or attractive but right now its not on my list of things to do nor had it ever been when i was with my recent ex.

I admire your input here and everything you said here makes sense to me. I did beat myself up for a long time, i felt manipulated and i was afraid of it happening again so i built a big barrier around me. Of course this had its impact on my recent relationship. I would become very cold myself over the course of it.

The time alone however has given me room for thought, seeing things for what they really are, today i feel a lot better. Why should i feel guilty for what happened to my long term relationship, Jesus i couldn't have done anymore for her.... why continually beat myself up over it??? Not anymore, i'm sick of it.

I suppose i'm grieving yet at the same time healing so the breakup has been good in that sense. In my heart though i still feel she's the right girl for me. maybe in time our paths will cross again and something will blossom and if not i'll know i'll no longer carry the shackles and scars my long term relationship left me with. I'm a good person and a decent looking bloke so i'm sure when i'm better i'll make somebody very happy.

Apologies for babbling on but putting this out there feels therapeutic in its on way....

"thevoiceofexperience", your post today has helped me alot. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.

Morning Ger & glad to hear you're feeling better. You sound like a great guy. In fact, you sound like very responsible person, and responsible people are prone to taking too much on themselves & going through a lot of guilt, so it's something to be aware of. It sounds like this is a big learning experience for you, and I'm sorry that you've had to go to such extremes to learn this stuff, but better now than never.
Relationships are so hard because we all bring so much baggage, but you've made the commitment to sort your baggage out.
Realistically, it's still very early days. The sense of perspective that you have will change in the months ahead and its going to take about a year before things are stabilised again. When in pain - just let yourself feel it. If you feel sadness, or anger (with yourself or with either ex) acknowledge the emotion, call it for what it is, and let it pass through you without trying to hang a rationale or a justification on it. Your subconscious will be doing it's job sorting out your emotions under the surface, so you don't necessarily have to attach much thinking to your feelings as they arise... that may sound odd, but trust thevoiceofexperience! (This advice is especially relevant for you as you are prone to taking too much on yourself & right now, you need to give yourself a break).

If you do try one last shot at communication with the girl - only you know if that's appropriate or not - if she's already heard what you've said here then you should probably just leave it for now - if she hasn't then make one clear communication that states what you've learnt of late. State the facts/your reasons/the situation but don't make it a 'therapy session' for you. Sometimes the less said, the more heard.

Meantime, start planning your year ahead. Get a piece of paper and list things you've always wanted to do. Don't be inhibited. No one is going to see this page but you. If you have some money, start booking trips and highlights for the year ahead. A good friend of mine went through a bad break up from a long term relationship a few years back, and in the year after, this person took up mountain climbing and ended up climbing one of the world highest's mountains - ropes, oxygen masks, the lot! Huge sense of achievement.

I've no doubt that you'll find love again. Best of luck.

beks101

I think you really need to take some time to learn how to be on your own.

You've essentially spent more than a decade in relationships, and two very intense relationships at that, and I'd guess the shock of being on your own and all that entails is part of the issue here...not having someone to come home to, to text or call at any time of day, not having someone to fall asleep with, to eat with, to visit family and friends with, a hand to hold and all those intimate details that become day-to-day in relationships. Just not 'having someone'...it's a shock to the system.

You need to figure out who you are without all of that stuff. Because it's been the biggest part of you for the past ten years and now it's time to build a life without it. This girl may be the girl for you, but right now that's not important - what's important is forming a new identity that is based on you and you alone. You see how indecisive you were while you were with her...thinking she was the love of your life...then panicking and thinking you couldn't give her what she needed...thinking you didn't want the same things....then back to thinking she's the love of her life...what would change if you did end up getting her back? What's to stop these inconsistent thoughts from seeping through all over again? If you haven't sorted out your own head and your own life...and that takes more than a handful of counselling sessions...then you're no use to anybody else and it wouldn't be fair to pretend otherwise. To her or to you.

What about you in all of this? You seemed to resent everything you did for your ex of eight years...and you felt with the next ex that you didn't want the engagement and marriage and babies that she wanted...so what do you want? Until you figure that out, history is going to repeat itself so I think it's vital that you take a step back from any relationship right now and take time to yourself. It's easy to jump to the conclusion that this woman is all you want in life and you've made a huge mistake...that's the break-up residue talking. Counselling, hobbies like others have suggested, spending more time with family and friends, travelling, cooking, nights out with new people, nights in by yourself...just work of yourself. Break-ups are traumatic, you need to be gentle with yourself but don't jump right back into something for the sake of not being alone.

Mulan

What happened to the dog.....................

flowerchild

We all have things in our past which affect how we experience people and events. And it is a universal experience to feel nervous about having a new relationship, particularly if a previous one was fraught.

So we can push others away, be silent, change our minds, castigate ourselves, feel uncertain, feel upset, let it go, wonder whether letting it go is/was right, get sleepless, sleep too much and so on.

Sometimes pausing is what you need to do. Pause and listen. Listen to yourself and how you feel. In the busyness of life we can become disconnected from ourselves and others.

Give yourself time to work out what you want. It rarely works to decide on the basis of what is right for the other. It risks being wrong or being patronising. And that would be a pity.

Best wishes with your thinking.

ger5000

Thanks all for your input here and i especially appreciated the non judgement replies and helpful responses. Many thanks.

I've learned my ex has read this post and i don't think its fair to leave it open. She needs her space right now and this is just a distraction for her. Can someone help me as to how to close this or delete it?? thanks