Uncomfortable about my sexuality.

MultiUmm

I've never had this problem before, but something is really bothering me lately.

I was always really comfortable with myself before, I accepted the fact I was gay at a young enough age and I went through the first stages of coming out when I was 15. Fast forward to now when I'm going on 17 soon and I've never been more conflicted than the present.

When I first came out it was only to my immediate family, and no one else really knew until a few months later when I told my best friends. Pretty much everyone knows now, most if not all people in my year know I'm gay and my extended family too, and I've never gotten **** for it off anyone either which is great.

Yet all of a sudden in the past few weeks and especially the past few days I've had all these feelings of self-doubt. I always feel incredibly awkward when the topic of sexuality comes up in conversation, like when I get asked questions by people about what's it like being gay, do I have a boyfriend, stuff like that. Today we had a talk about homophobic bullying and the whole thing just felt awkward while I was there.

To top it all off, I don't think I even like the idea of being gay any more. (It's stupid I know but the feeling is just there inside me.) It's as if I went through a reverse process, I went from feeling like I got a huge weight off my shoulders when I came out and having no issues with being gay to just feeling disheartened about it, thinking why the hell did I have to be one of the 10% with a different sexuality ...

All I can really describe it as is an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling inside me about being gay. I never felt like this before, yet seemingly out of the blue there's all these messy emotions I seem to have.

That's all I can think of for now, if you read the whole thing thanks for taking the time. Any advice or comments people have would be great.

Chuchoter

I don't actually have any advice but I feel exactly the same way.

When I first really realized I was gay I was so excited and very quickly came out to my family and one or two friends when I was 16. Nobody really took it well and I ended up going from 'Screw you I'm gay and theres nothing you can do about it' to 'Oh I'll just shut up about it for a few months and wait until everyone calms down' to now where I'm 17 and I'm like what the **** have I done?

I hate it when anything gay related comes up in class or with my friends, I get really nervous and just generally angry and anxious, and no-one but one friend even knows.

Then like it really kicked off a couple of weeks ago, met up with a few other girls who are gay and have girlfriends and generally living the life etc and I just really didn't want to be there. They totally freaked me out (in fact girls in general scare the **** out of me) and I just felt sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I know I'm gay I just really, really don't like it. I see no future in this. I just see endless getting ****ed around, people being awkward around me, never getting to have the normal life I want. I don't see any space for someone like me in the life I want to lead. I just really don't want to do this anymore.

That was probably totally unhelpful, but anywho.

LGiamani

MultiUmm wrote: »

I've never had this problem before, but something is really bothering me lately.

I was always really comfortable with myself before, I accepted the fact I was gay at a young enough age and I went through the first stages of coming out when I was 15. Fast forward to now when I'm going on 17 soon and I've never been more conflicted than the present.

When I first came out it was only to my immediate family, and no one else really knew until a few months later when I told my best friends. Pretty much everyone knows now, most if not all people in my year know I'm gay and my extended family too, and I've never gotten **** for it off anyone either which is great.

Yet all of a sudden in the past few weeks and especially the past few days I've had all these feelings of self-doubt. I always feel incredibly awkward when the topic of sexuality comes up in conversation, like when I get asked questions by people about what's it like being gay, do I have a boyfriend, stuff like that. Today we had a talk about homophobic bullying and the whole thing just felt awkward while I was there.

To top it all off, I don't think I even like the idea of being gay any more. (It's stupid I know but the feeling is just there inside me.) It's as if I went through a reverse process, I went from feeling like I got a huge weight off my shoulders when I came out and having no issues with being gay to just feeling disheartened about it, thinking why the hell did I have to be one of the 10% with a different sexuality ...

All I can really describe it as is an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling inside me about being gay. I never felt like this before, yet seemingly out of the blue there's all these messy I seem to have.

That's all I can think of for now, if you read the whole thing thanks for taking the time. Any advice or comments people have would be great.

Hi what do you think has changed for you. IMO you are only 17 give yourself a chance you are very young. I went throught the same thing fooling around with guys at 16 but for me I enjoyed the fact that I had met someone who was on the same wavelength as me and it has'nt changed I am now 33. I suggest to get some guidance from a professional advise from a medic ASAP before you make any desicion. PM me if you want. Please look after yourself take care

diddlybit

Hey there, I'm not sure if this is going to be of any help, but I think a lot of people can probably relate to where you are both coming from. I do commend both of you though, for being so courageous and sure of yourselves and who you want at such a young age. I'm sorry that sounds horribly patronising, but I really do mean it only managed to come out to my parents last summer and I'm twenty eight. It wasn't even being brave or confident in myself, it was out of necessity as I was moving in with the OH. :eek:

Both of you said stuff that had a huge resonance with me here:

MultiUmm wrote: »

To top it all off, I don't think I even like the idea of being gay any more. (It's stupid I know but the feeling is just there inside me.) It's as if I went through a reverse process, I went from feeling like I got a huge weight off my shoulders when I came out and having no issues with being gay to just feeling disheartened about it, thinking why the hell did I have to be one of the 10% with a different sexuality ...

All I can really describe it as is an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling inside me about being gay. I never felt like this before, yet seemingly out of the blue there's all these messy I seem to have.

crayolastereo wrote: »

I know I'm gay I just really, really don't like it. I see no future in this. I just see endless getting ****ed around, people being awkward around me, never getting to have the normal life I want. I don't see any space for someone like me in the life I want to lead. I just really don't want to do this anymore.

That was probably totally unhelpful, but anywho.

I felt like this a lot a couple of years ago when I was coming out to myself and others, it was a complete rollercoaster, some days I was delighted with my sexuality, other days I just felt it was so unfair that I wa stuck with this burden. But I think I realised somewhere along the way that an easy life, necessarily isn't the best life. I also couldn't imagine myself being staright any longer, as all the chalenges it has brought, and all the sh*t too, has along made me stronger as an individual. You have both achieved so much, and your sexuality has forced upon you an openess with family and friends that you may not have found otherwise.

Running the risk of sounding horribly seperatist and superior, I also think that sometimes living life on the margins, can give you a sense of empathy and understanding for others that are not looked upon society as "normal". (I am by no means saying that all LGBT people are without prejudice, but it can facilitate an understanding through recognising others that are excluded.)

I'm sorry that it's so difficult for you both at the moment, but just remember that there is no such thing as "normal", and that sometimes being a little different from your peers isn't necessarily a bad thing.

diddlybit

Oh, and unfortunately these feelings can come back to bite you in the a**e. I got an invitation to my 10year school reunion today and the idea of having to go and come out to them all made me physically ill.

Aishae

a short while after i came out to family - i panicked a bit. because (and this is what i believe caused the panic) i suddenly realised - or felt - that there was no going back now. i got over it fast but it was disconcerting. im older now and i see it for what it was for me, it wasnt that i questioned my sexuality again (although it seems to me from reading around that questioning your sexuality every now n again can be normal) but i was afraid that id wake up one day and think 'sh*t, i really do like men after all. but if i go back on the lesbian thing ill look like a gobsh^te with no follow through'

how did i get over that feeling in the end though?
i told myself if i did ever decide that perhaps i got it wrong - then i dont have to try to be anything or anyone i dont feel i am
i reckoned family would understand it too.

i never have gone back on my lesbian revelations though

thought my experience may help

Lorrrrraine

diddlybit wrote: »

Oh, and unfortunately these feelings can come back to bite you in the a**e. I got an invitation to my 10year school reunion today and the idea of having to go and come out to them all made me physically ill.

Don't stress yourself out! Do you really care about the opinion of a person that might look down on you for being gay?

And OP, I'm a bit confused about what you mean. Is it that you'd rather be hetro or you're developing some hetro tendencies?

Aoifums

I sound like a total Moaning Myrtle whenever I start on about this. I don't have any issues with me being gay. I think it's kinda awesome.
But my mam has been really awkward lately and it is making me feel like I will never be able to bring a girlfriend home.
And so many people in my school are completely out, as in I barely know their name but I know that they're gay/bi. It's making me feel like I should say something but I feel that I can't because my cousin is in the school and I'm screwed if it reaches the extended family. I know no one in school would care, I was doing Physics experiments last week and two of the guys in my group spent half their time flirting with each other and no one batted an eyelid (except the guy in charge and that's only because they weren't working ) I'm out to a handful of people in school but even when guys hit on me is even more awkward than normal.

Ok, that was really rambly But I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

diddlybit wrote: »

Oh, and unfortunately these feelings can come back to bite you in the a**e. I got an invitation to my 10year school reunion today and the idea of having to go and come out to them all made me physically ill.

Don't I know it. I keep getting asked about the debs and stuff. Back in September I was so convinced I was going to bring a girl to the debs. She agreed too. But now I'm not so sure.

diddlybit

Aoifums wrote: »

Don't I know it. I keep getting asked about the debs and stuff. Back in September I was so convinced I was going to bring a girl to the debs. She agreed too. But now I'm not so sure.

Oh boo. Fair play though, I would never have had the guts to even contemplate bringing a same-sex partner to my debs.

Aishae

reunions! its funny ... id hate to go to mine, to try to explain why im not some huge-assed success. but id relish the look on their faces if i rolled up with a partner, they ask who it is i say 'thats the missus, what of it?!'

im thinking maybe age is a factor - even if you come out at a young age perhaps being in you mid to late teens seems to inspire a sexuality crisis?... lots of the straight people i went to school with had some sort of crisis. not asking themselves 'am i gay?' but it seemed to be more 'im not liking the opposite sex so much at the mo...' although, there will always be the loved up teen lovers who seem to get through their teens without these crisises....

Aoifums

diddlybit wrote: »

Oh boo. Fair play though, I would never have had the guts to even contemplate bringing a same-sex partner to my debs.

I know. I'm feeling really bad about it now. At least I have the money excuse if I don't go.

Aishae wrote:

loved up teen lovers

So getting girlfriends would be the solution to all our problems

Aishae

Aoifums wrote: »

I know. I'm feeling really bad about it now. At least I have the money excuse if I don't go.



So getting girlfriends would be the solution to all our problems

lol.
no id say the ones that are highschool sweethearts are just the lucky few. who get to experience the sexuality crisis when theyre a bit older instead (maybe single by then) but... i used to get the feeling that some people who were in and out of relationships in school were having a crisis in their own way. just dealing with it differently.

Aard

@OP & CS:

You're both 17 now, and out for a year or two. The way you talk, it reminds me of how I felt when I was 17. Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines, so forgive me if so. It sounds like after this time being out, you've finally got to the stage where being gay is just such a non-talking-point in your lives any more. The thing is, though, that for 90% of people out there, you're still something of an oddity. Sounds bad, but it's the truth. From when you came out until probably a long time still, every time you say something that indicates you're gay, the other person will invariably make a talking point out of it. Half the time I wish I could just tell people like that to f.uck off and google their question instead of thinking that I actually care about educating them. I guess this is where your discomfort in class etc comes in -- you're worried that everybody's head will turn to you whenever the word "gay" is mentioned. I remember in 6th year biology, somebody asked a question about anal sex and -- lo and behold -- a few people (who I wouldn't even talk to much) turn their heads to me as though I'm an expert on the topic. It's like it's automatic on their part.

It's trite, but when you get out into the "real" world, things do get better (*cringe*). I'm not talking about university as such, but just avoiding that pig-sty that you have to attend every day. Get a job, meet new people, take a class, travel, go to clubs ... I know you're 17 and it all seems so far away right now, but it's not. Your circle of friends will change, your parents influence on your life will become virtually non-existant, you'll meet great people and utter morons in equal proportion, you'll totally forget about school (except for the good parts).

Not really sure where I was going there, but hopefully it was constructive.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot: try to get the f.uck out of Ireland! At least once in a while! I live in France now, where people are fortunately so self-obsessed that nobody could care any less if you're gay. Go to Brussels -- it's like a cheap version of liberal Scandinavia. I was off the train only 5 minutes and already guys were holding hands. You'll be amazed at how backwards Ireland is, even Dublin to a certain extent, after seeing how it's done elsewhere.

Anyway, you're probably not at that stage yet. All that's going on right now, if I recall my late teens correctly, is shock at how lame the real world is when it comes to understanding and privacy. Get used to not caring what people think of you.

BanzaiBk

Just forget about it for a while. Seriously. If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be "relax, you'll get there".

MultiUmm

Thanks for all the replies lads, ye've no idea how reassuring it is to hear other people went through the same crap as well.

Lorrrrraine wrote: »

And OP, I'm a bit confused about what you mean. Is it that you'd rather be hetro or you're developing some hetro tendencies?

Neither really, there's no point in saying I'd like to be straight because it's like wishing you were born taller, you can't really change it. And I definitely know I'm not developing 'hetero tendencies'. I'm more or less a mess of various (mostly negative lately) emotions about being gay. :pac:

LegacyUser

hi,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down and confused right now. I am straight so I am not going to pretend I know how you feel. What I wanted to say was I think it is def an age thing. When I was 17 and doing my exams, I remember for no reason feeling panicked about almost everything too and up until that point I was happy enough.
But then like you said all of a sudden you feel uneasy etc, that is exactly how I felt.
I started to question myself and my life and where was I going. And the things that I had enjoyed I didnt anymore. TBH I got so bad I end up going to the doctor, but everything was fine. I know this probably doesnt make sense to you now, but it will pass. And I dont believe it is about your sexuality, I could be wrong. I just wanted you to know that straight, gay or bi etc....I think most of us felt very uneasy around that age....you are probably sitting there thinking about things like what you are going to do next and then you bring your sexuality into it and think this is the cause. And take comfort in what the other posters said, they too felt this way, and I have very close gay friends, and I know they certainly went through all this and now they are very happy and comfortable with themselves.

Sorry for the ramble, you are not alone, and this to me sounds very normal. My one piece of advise is just go with it, I know its hard. But keep busy with friends and excerise, and keep reminding yourself that everything changes and you wont feel this way for long.

Sorry not sure if that helped at all. Chin up and best of luck.

MultiUmm wrote: »

I've never had this problem before, but something is really bothering me lately.

I was always really comfortable with myself before, I accepted the fact I was gay at a young enough age and I went through the first stages of coming out when I was 15. Fast forward to now when I'm going on 17 soon and I've never been more conflicted than the present.

When I first came out it was only to my immediate family, and no one else really knew until a few months later when I told my best friends. Pretty much everyone knows now, most if not all people in my year know I'm gay and my extended family too, and I've never gotten **** for it off anyone either which is great.

Yet all of a sudden in the past few weeks and especially the past few days I've had all these feelings of self-doubt. I always feel incredibly awkward when the topic of sexuality comes up in conversation, like when I get asked questions by people about what's it like being gay, do I have a boyfriend, stuff like that. Today we had a talk about homophobic bullying and the whole thing just felt awkward while I was there.

To top it all off, I don't think I even like the idea of being gay any more. (It's stupid I know but the feeling is just there inside me.) It's as if I went through a reverse process, I went from feeling like I got a huge weight off my shoulders when I came out and having no issues with being gay to just feeling disheartened about it, thinking why the hell did I have to be one of the 10% with a different sexuality ...

All I can really describe it as is an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling inside me about being gay. I never felt like this before, yet seemingly out of the blue there's all these messy emotions I seem to have.

That's all I can think of for now, if you read the whole thing thanks for taking the time. Any advice or comments people have would be great.

bitter_lemon

i think this is perfectly normal and if i knew now what i knew back then i would be so much sorted earlier. :rolleyes:
it is a very complex issue and only you will know when you feel comfortable with your sexuality. do not rush it like i did in my teens and had a burnout from the scene :P

i think its a journey we all go through. some struggle more than others but i would like and hope to think we all get there in the end.
i am out to everyone. i am happy. i am confident. but it wasn't an easy road by no stretch of the imagination.
just listen to your own calling. your heart will always lead you. i know that sounds corny but the amount of time i worried and stressed about things - there really is no need. easier said than done - i know.