Very unsure

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just wanted some peoples opinions on something. I recently met and started going out with a girl. Things went really well but at times i felt a bit smothered by the amount of time we spend together. I really enjoy spending time with her but for some reason can't see a future for it. She is a very different type of person in many ways, intellectually being one way. Long story short we have broken up because i don't like to lead people on. I miss her a lot. She was great in very many ways.

I suppose i've become unsure, Do you think its possible that even though I couldn't see a future for us now that I might have ended it too soon? Maybe its possible that that comes with time?

I was enjoying our time together

LegacyUser

Why not be open and honest about it in a sensitive way? It sounds like there's something to hold on to. You've said you really enjoyed your time together. Give things another go, if she still wants to. If you genuinely want to try again and give it another shot, you're not leading her on. Having things in common is important but being different in other ways makes life together more interesting. That makes people complement each other. Having different strengths can be really good. I hope things work out for both of you and that it brings lots of happiness. Best of luck.

HugoDrax

anona-mouse wrote: »

Hi,

I just wanted some peoples opinions on something. I recently met and started going out with a girl. Things went really well but at times i felt a bit smothered by the amount of time we spend together. I really enjoy spending time with her but for some reason can't see a future for it. She is a very different type of person in many ways, intellectually being one way. Long story short we have broken up because i don't like to lead people on. I miss her a lot. She was great in very many ways.

I suppose i've become unsure, Do you think its possible that even though I couldn't see a future for us now that I might have ended it too soon? Maybe its possible that that comes with time?

I was enjoying our time together

You liked her but you didn't think you had a future with her so you ended it.

Nothing wrong with that.
Lots of guys would cling on because they wouldn't know how to meet someone else. Instead you tried and you found out she wasn't for you.
You could meet another girl tomorrow and you'll forget all about her.

No regrets and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Follow your heart. I've two lots of friends who are now married and several years ago broke up for similar reasons. Had they not given it every chance they wouldn't be where they are now.

LegacyUser

It doesn't sound like it would be a case of clinging on for fear of not finding someone else. If there's still attraction, fun and caring go for it. Have you kept in contact?

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks so much for feedback, if anything it helps me think about this clearer.


"Having things in common is important but being different in other ways makes life together more interesting. That makes people complement each other. Having different strengths can be really good. I hope things work out for both of you and that it brings lots of happiness." SHe definitely has strengths I don't have and probably makes me better as person.

"You liked her but you didn't think you had a future with her so you ended it.
Nothing wrong with that.
Lots of guys would cling on because they wouldn't know how to meet someone else. Instead you tried and you found out she wasn't for you.
You could meet another girl tomorrow and you'll forget all about her.
No regrets and don't look back"
- Im actually caught between all of your viewpoints.

"Follow your heart. I've two lots of friends who are now married and several years ago broke up for similar reasons. Had they not given it every chance they wouldn't be where they are now." - This is interesting

"It doesn't sound like it would be a case of clinging on for fear of not finding someone else. If there's still attraction, fun and caring go for it. Have you kept in contact?" - Yes, we are in contact. Break up is very recent. She is hurt. And I know she was giving her everything to relationship.

Do you think theres a length of time i should wait before making a decision? I really don't like messing people around and i think I'm indecisive in this area of my life.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat as you although I'm back with my gf at the mo

I decided last year that we'd work out better as friends - although there was attraction, she's very cute, we got on one level and it was nice to have someone to hang out with, I felt that our differences outweighed the positives.

We ended up back together a month ago - but the same feeling are there. There just isn't that feeling of a future - mainly though it's due to our different ways of communicating / differences of interests (I'm sporty, she's not....etc etc)

I find that conversations seem to end swiftly, I don't get great satisfaction from them and they don't get very deep. She very rarely asks me questions so I do a lot of the talking / starting conversations etc and that gets tiresome.

All in all, I feel that my gut instinct the first time was right (it generally is about these things).

I've been out with great girls in the past too but if there's a gap in the way one communicates (which might be similar to your being "intellectually different") then I don't think it can work out.

G86

Sometimes you can just enjoy spending time with someone, and have fun while it lasts - there doesn't have to be a future in it. But only if you're upfront about it. I dated someone before with a similar scenario, got on great, attraction was there etc., but there was no real seeing past tomorrow vibe to it. I personally just didn't see the point in keeping it going, but at the same time I can see the attraction in doing so if both parties were happy to.

Miss Fluff

anona-mouse wrote: »

I suppose i've become unsure, Do you think its possible that even though I couldn't see a future for us now that I might have ended it too soon?

No, I think you've been very honest about it actually. Very easy to slip into a relationship of convenience until something better comes along but then you're only basing your relationship on lies and false hope imho so much kinder to cut it's blood supply off before feelings can get really hurt.

Why waste time on something wrong and miss out on the potential for the real thing?

LegacyUser

How long were you seeing each other for? Do you feel you both had time to give it every chance and do all the things and experience all the things you wanted to do together?

LegacyUser

I've been in a similar situation twice. First time I felt towards the end that we were better off as friends, I had doubts about a future for us. Felt a bit unsure after the breakup but the doubts I had dissipated quickly. Looking back that particular relationship never really took off. Second time, great guy, everything was going really well but like you I wasn't sure if I could see a future in it at the time. I knew I had strong feelings for him but was somewhat scared that it mightn't go anywhere and I didn't want to lead him on. I had so many doubts about my decision after the breakup. I missed him so much. All the great things about him just wouldn't leave my mind. Not too long after we had broken up, I knew I wasn't prepared to take the risk that he would end up meeting someone new and being out of my life forever. I was so lucky that he was ready to give me another chance. It could have ended so differently. When we got back together everything felt right, even better than first time round. The future that I couldn't see previously happened naturally. We're together 4 years now and just recently engaged. Now I could never imagine a future without him. I'm one of the luckier ones who regretted their decision to break up and was blessed to be given a second chance. It could have ended up as years of regret for me. I hope whatever decision you come to ends up being the right one for you.

boygeorge

I can see why you are unsure, I have just started a relationship with someone and while I like him a lot, I am not sure whether there is as you say a future in it, it is in the very early stages which is why I am giving it a chance. However, does there need to be? It all depends at which stage you are in your life; are you looking for someone to settle down with and start a family? If not, then why care about the future when all you need from a relationship is someone you care about, and who returns those feelings, someone you can have fun with and enjoy being with. Many of my relationships were like this-people I knew I wouldnt end up with but enjoyed being with, it is also strangely liberating. No matter who you are or what you do when you are with this person the end result will be the same; a termination to the relationship, so why not be yourself? or anyone else for the matter?

LegacyUser

Don't get too worried about the future what ifs and what not!

Live in the now and not the future/past. You are happy with her for the moment. There are no real definites or promises in early days of love or relationships anyway. The uncertainty is all part and parcel of the experience. Yes it is possible to end things to soon.

Being someones intellectual equal is hardly the be all and end all of a relationship. Surely enjoying her company is higher up on the list. The fact that you miss too probably means alot.

As for what kind of time frame to give self to come to a decision-I suppose enough time to clear head and not so long than she loses interest completely or is snapped up by someone else.

LegacyUser

Hi Everybody,

THANKS

We are going to give it another go. She thinks I'm insane to be thinking so much about the future and I see her point tbh. Not sure why I can't/couldn't see future with her but at moment I don't want to be without her. I think that gives it a good chance of growing into a long term situation but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to enjoy it for now.

All your comments have been helpful and I'm very thankful for them. I don't see how I can lose out by giving it a good go anyway. As long as we both respect each other and are honest about our feelings and expectations can't go too badly.


P.s. Really surprised at how many of comments are anonymous/non-members.... must have struck a chord

LegacyUser

Been following this thread for a couple of days, only contributing now. I'm really pleased for you OP that you are both giving things another go. I'm in the very situation your girlfriend had been. Hurting like hell. I hope so much that my ex, who ended things very recently for the same reasons, has a change of heart like you have done and wants to try again. I wish you both lots of happiness.