CONFUSED :( !!!!!!

Good Advice

Hi boards....okay here it goes(deep breathe )....apologies if this is a long read but ill try cut it down as short as I can, and thanks to whoever takes to read this as I need perspectives on this.
So, me and my other half have been together over 3years, I'm 22 and he's 23. First love and all that, hence why I need advice. So I'll give you the main bits anyway, first two years madly in love [EMAIL="couldn@t"]couldn@t[/EMAIL] ask for anyone better convinced he was the one. when we were 2 and a half years together he got drunk out one night and ended up kissing some girl, drinking isn't an excuse in my book but you make excuses in these situations convincing yourself it didnt happen, but it did and it broke my heart as he got a taxi with her to share a taxi home but then he realised what he'd done and got out of the taxi and went home. His problem or maybe people will se it as a good thing, he's very honest and cant lie and told me straight away. Decided to give it another go. Fine, got to trust him again, until January when he was out and a girl tried to kiss him and he pulled away, I believe him but why would he get into a situation where that could happen. Again heartbroken and cry here now typing remembering the pain I felt. We were fine for awhile after this but upto the last week he's been awful to me. Friday night I said i was going home early as I had work in the morning and we were out with his mates so I wasnt leaving him alone, but he got so annoyed and said i was ruining the night leaving and I explained he could stay sure he didnt have to leave over me and he walked outside and said I was a bitch so I got straight into a taxi home. I texted him saying I dont know how much longer I can take being upset over you, as other things similar has happened I could write a book. So heated argument over text the next day when I was in work and he sent me a text that changed my view of him TOTALLY he txted that maybe if I wasn't such a bitch that maybe he wouldnt have cheated on me those times....:(....broken but he apologised 5mins later saying sorry etc. So Sunday I had to study for an exam I had in college today and he was texting me Sunday night all nice and then got a text at like 12 last night saying he was only saying that me and him were okay so that I could study!!!! does that not defeat the purpose no?! like texting me that the night before my exam saying that still ruining my head!!!! I'm so confused I dont think he will ever go back to the perfect boyfriend I once had, do I stick around now to see if it will get better or do I move on and concentrate on my exams coming up in May?! ....he finished college last year and had wanted to go to Oz if he didnt get a job but he did which meant I could finish my degree which would be next year becauseI'm in 2nd year because we said we would go together, and me stupidly said I'd finish college after Oz if he couldnt get a job and felt relief when he did because why should I leave college when I've only one year left. I dont really know what answer I'm looking for but the stress this has put on me is unreal I'm sick and all over this...sorry if my post is all over the place but its how I am at the moment. Do I stay with someone so young and be tied, dont get me wrong I'm not one of these girls that lost there friends over a boyfriend I always equally divided my time and that I'm glad for. I just feel Its either try again or just move on...any replies I would really appreciate

Colonel_McCoy

To sum up
1. He cheated
2. He called you a bitch and thats why he cheated
3. He sent you a nasty text on Sunday just before your exam

You deserve better, he doesnt respect you, relationships are not meant to make you feel like crap.........you have only one option, dump him.

IrishEyes19

OP, leave. He sounds like a child, as if he was doing you a favour by saying things were fine and then the next day, saying they arent. Also I would never tolerate anyone, who called me a bitch, its derogatory and insulting. you deserve to be well shot of him. I sense he knows you love him and therefore he feels he can play around with your feelings. I can tell you are better than that. move on, and best of luck to you

Good Advice

Op here, I'm so upset its unreal I came home after my exam in college and went straight to bed. What do you do when he was the only person you have ever loved that way, my best friend. I know he's immature I sometimes wish he had a bit more experience with relationships so he wouldn't be as immature. I've painted a bad picture of him but he is amazing also but I feel now that bad things override the good?!....how will I go through with this, another thing he used to do which I would like to see if this is something someone has experienced.. He somehow always used to start a fight with me before I would go out on a night out with the girls or college and it would ruin my night, he stopped this after it went too far one night when I got a bright red stress rash all over me. Its hard because we've had great times I just don't know if I'm strong enough I need advice.

Taltos

Now I am confused. You received spot on advice above.
Your latest post just continues to highlight that he is a controlling partner - not good not good at all.

Take some time for yourself after your exam, however if you will listen this time - end it...

I know right now your emotions with the exams are all over the place but read back through your posts when you have some sleep under you. But right now - turn off your mobile and see if you can either celebrate with a friend or just get some sleep. Dollars to donuts you will get more texts/calls later and right now you can do without his crap.

Good Advice

Thanks taltos, I know I don't know how many times I have to be told, I'm expecting a horrible text tonight and I'm not able anymore. May sound silly but I keep thinking I'll never find someone else sounds silly but can't help it at the moment. I just hope I can last and not give in to staying with him, I can't face telling him its definately over yet I'm just worn out...

Taltos

OP - turn off your phone now - or ask a good friend over for a beer and a pizza.

Don't make any hasty calls tonight to this guy. Wait until the cold light of day when you have had a chance to recharge your batteries - otherwise he may wear you down.

You will definitely meet someone who will treat you properly. No-one enjoys ending a relationship - it is meant to be hard. However, when your partner treats you with as little respect as this guy - clear signal that the good times are over - and there is no going back. It will either continue like this or get worse.

Now - call a good friend, order in a pizza and turn off that phone - or better yet call over to a friend to get out of there for a while.

It will get better...

Good Advice

Taltos thank you so much...I've tears in my eyes here how a stranger on boards can make me feel a lot better, thank you. My phone is going off now

Taltos

Not a problem
We've all been there - right now though if you could get to a friend or have one there it might be best - after the day you have had having someone to chat to would be best.

Remember - don't let anyone ever rush you into a decision or treat you with less respect than you deserve. Celebrate today - exam over - and your decision made

Good Advice

OP here again I did have my phone off until I needed to ring for a lift home and wouldn't you know a text came through saying how was the exam I texted back that I wasn't standing for how he treated me and that I hadta go the doctors and all today after my exam as my throat flares up when I'm stressed or worried, and told him not to text me to leave me be. He text back saying 'its not my fault stop being so dramatic, sick of your moods I won't text you then'

Taltos

Hey - that is A-OK.
Text not as bad as it could have been.
So he told you he is sick of your moods and won't text you again - BRILLIANT - he might just leave you alone (doubt it though).

He will text back at some stage - maybe agressively, maybe just saying he misses you, maybe wishing you luck - but you know what - please don't reply back. Any responses you send now will just feed into this and make you feel worse.

If you think he deserves it arrange to meet in a few days to tell him it is over. However - you know - he is not worth it, I wouldn't waste the price of a take-away cup of tea in a greasy spoon on this tosser.
Just ignore him. You know exactly where you stand in his books. Be prepared though - his texts may get erratic - but who knows. Do what you can to just delete them without reading them.

In the meantime - if you are at home now - turn off that phone and have some time to yourself. Remember - you have just had a crap few days - and the one person who was meant to make it easier for you instead dragged you through hell. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Don't feel bad in anyway. You are clearly a kind person who felt you had to reply - but you don't. Sometimes the best message you can send is none.

Good Advice

Taltos thank god for you today!! I got in contact with few mates all can't believe he is turning like this on me , one of my mates said if the spark is gone,move on...ha! I've been crying since I'm home its a bit of relief though. Just hard to think my best friend and boyfriend I once had is gone, pretty sad the thoughts of being lonely is killing me and thoughts of him with anyone else kills me its silly!! I hope he realises one day that he ruined it... I can tell he will give me the big apology when it kicks in what he has done and I hope I'm strong enough to stay away... Didn't think itd be this hard

HugoDrax

He's trying to control you and acting like he owns you because he was your first real love which he thinks gives him the right to do what he likes.
Tell him to get lost, get shot of him and find yourself someone else.
He can do this to you because you have allowed yourself to be convinced there is nobody else.
He has been with you so long that he can't find anybody else himself.
It seems like the two of you are only together because you can't imagine being with anyone else.
You both come across as very needy and insecure and you both must have known the relationship was on its last legs a long time ago but stubbornly stayed together and as a result have damaged each other.
Real love is not like this.
What he calls a bitch is actually a young woman who has out grown him and doesn't need this guy in her life any more.
This fella is behaving like a child - imagine what he could be like if you were married with kids?

Taltos

Try not to dwell on the pain. I know it feels bad - and you know - it might feel this bad for a good while.
Just don't let time / loneliness dull your memory of how he has treated you...
Leopards don't change their spots and chances are that he may well sweeten things trying to convince you that it was all in your imagination.

Surround yourself with your friends especially when you feel low - but at the same time take some time to mourn the loss of the person you once knew...

In my case - I got really angry for a long time - I also lost all faith in women and believe it or not it took me three years before I felt I was ready to have another relationship. That is maybe a bit on the extreme side - but I hope you get that you need to take the time that is right for you.
Over those 3 yrs - I spent time with some really good friends and really found myself in the little things - going for walks by the sea - either on my own or with mates. Whatever

Look at it this way - better you find out now - instead of wasting more time on this guy... Imagine how you would feel if you had stayed together for say 10yrs - married with kids... How hard would it be to walk away then... Even with him calling you a b1tch in front of the kids... He really had done you a favour by letting you see the real him before it was way too late...

Take care of yourself - it does and will get easier... 100% guaranteed (one of the few things I can guarantee - well that and there will be an iPhone5...).

Good Advice

I get what ur saying here, but we weren't staying with eachother because of stubborness, we honestly were good more than bad. But I know what you are saying. Just don't know how he has changed so much. His brother has a mental disorder and takes it out on him and calls him all the names under the sun, and I get the bad end of the stick because he takes it out on me when his brother does this, but I don't think that's a fair reason. My friend said that too about imagine being married with kids with him it wouldn't just suddenly get better. I know I have to leave him, I'm a smart girl but allowed myself to be naïve , I have to be strong....but I feel sick thinking about all the nice things I did for him and I'm in no way a bitch atal I treat people how I would like to be treated and I'm not just saying it. This is how I get repayed...

Good Advice

Taltos officially my new therapist!!! I know I don't deserve this one bit, like I've been screwed over by him. I honestly am going to try move on even planned going to my college social this week I'm doing my theory test in few weeks and I'm going to learn how to drive and get a car (that's the plan anyway) ..its like someone dying isn't it I know it sounds dramatic but like your not going to really see the person again, I suppose now I know that it wouldn't have worked out. I'm only 22 I've another year of college to do I've plenty to keep myself busy.... Just hate the thoughts of the next few weeks/months...

Taltos

Good Advice wrote: »

....but I feel sick thinking about all the nice things I did for him and I'm in no way a bitch atal I treat people how I would like to be treated and I'm not just saying it. This is how I get repayed...

Don't feel this way.
The only thing you have done wrong here is not to end it sooner

We all learn from our past relationships - it is not that frequent that the first one is perfect - here we start to learn where to set out boundaries and what type of behaviour to accept.

You have had a tough lesson - but you know what - take this and grow from it. Next time - choose a partner who respects you - we all have our off days - but it seems his off days involved going after you - not on...

Similarly don't regret this relationship. The lessons here will ensure (if taken to heart) that you don't repeat past mistakes. I mean - letting someone know the first time that they call you a b1tch that the 2nd time will be the last time just in case you had not been clear enough up to then...

Now go on - get some well deserved sleep - and tomorrow treat yourself to a great coffee and a great sticky toffee bun / chocolate eclair to celebrate your new found freedom
(As much as I enjoy being with my OH I still miss those carefree days where I could just lounge about all day reading a book - either at home on the couch or by a window in a bar overlooking the sea. (just hope she doesn't read this...))

HugoDrax

Good Advice wrote: »

Taltos officially my new therapist!!! I know I don't deserve this one bit, like I've been screwed over by him. I honestly am going to try move on even planned going to my college social this week I'm doing my theory test in few weeks and I'm going to learn how to drive and get a car (that's the plan anyway) ..its like someone dying isn't it I know it sounds dramatic but like your not going to really see the person again, I suppose now I know that it wouldn't have worked out. I'm only 22 I've another year of college to do I've plenty to keep myself busy.... Just hate the thoughts of the next few weeks/months...

You have no problems. Goodbye to old rubbish.
You could meet another guy tomorrow and this fella will be old news.
Think positive.

Good Advice

Taltos , yea your right how can the first guy I'm serious about be the right one it is rare, and my dad always told me never to settle for a man who would call me an offensive name, or a guy who would leave you on your own in town after an argument (happened my sis that's why he said this)...he's done both, he left me in town after an argument on valentines day about him getting into that situation with that girl trying to score him, and left me in town crying (cheers pal ..) Tomorrow I am hopefully going to feel a bit brighter believe me I'm not going to be going near men for a long time, I've missed me time, and missed having an evening to myself to absolutely do feck all (I am a student afterall :P).....hugodrax, that's very optimistic but hey maybe I'll find someone who cares when I'm upset and genuinely won't cheat, he's ruined me now I won't trust anyone he didn't even care that I'm at home sick over this, antibiotics the lot....a.hole

Taltos

Good Advice wrote: »

Taltos , yea your right how can the first guy I'm serious about be the right one it is rare, and my dad always told me never to settle for a man who would call me an offensive name, or a guy who would leave you on your own in town after an argument (happened my sis that's why he said this)...he's done both, he left me in town after an argument on valentines day about him getting into that situation with that girl trying to score him, and left me in town crying (cheers pal ..) Tomorrow I am hopefully going to feel a bit brighter believe me I'm not going to be going near men for a long time, I've missed me time, and missed having an evening to myself to absolutely do feck all (I am a student afterall :P).....hugodrax, that's very optimistic but hey maybe I'll find someone who cares when I'm upset and genuinely won't cheat, he's ruined me now I won't trust anyone he didn't even care that I'm at home sick over this, antibiotics the lot....a.hole

Promise I am NOT your dad (or anyones for that matter).
Don't let him spoil you on men - as someone who lost trust in women - one person shaping how you view all others of that sex just gives them power they don't deserve. Just take your time and use your gut. As I said this is a learning experience you will be able to spot his cheating clones next time you are out...

Now get some sleep Some of us are up in 6 hours
Night and hope you are feeling a bit better soon.
T

Good Advice

Ugh woke up feeling like **** got like 3hours sleep. This is so unfair we were so good together and then I grew up without him and he's still not growing up. I feel sick ugh

Good Advice

I no I never knew why he would do that to me before nights out, I suppose I just made excuses accepting this behaviour from him. I suppose ill miss the routine I'd say but Ill keep myself busy. Thanks for the reply sunflower, I hope I get someone better some day but I am not looking for anybody for a long time, its time to enjoy being with myself I suppose. I just know he'll be hassling me to get back with him sooner or later.

Good Advice

I no I always tell him before he goes out to have a good night and whatever. Its terrible because he was great to me too real loving all the time minus he cheated last year but he was always genuinely affectionate. He gets these moodswings because of his brothers mental disorder, he wanted to move out so he wouldn't be moody like that. Ill just lie low for awhile and get myself back on track

Taltos

Good Advice wrote: »

IIts terrible because he was great to me too real loving all the time minus he cheated last year

Op - please read the above a few times...

Good Advice wrote: »

he was always genuinely affectionate.

An act I am afraid - one well used by manipulators. If he really cared for you he would not have treated you like he did. Also calling you a b1tch is hardly the sign of an affectionate man.

Good Advice wrote: »

He gets these moodswings because of his brothers mental disorder

Excuses... He blames his brother now. If you stayed with him - it would be your fault for nagging him or something else. Again clear signs he cannot take responsibility for his own shortcomings.

Good Advice wrote: »

he wanted to move out so he wouldn't be moody like that.

Again classic deflection. He would have moved out - been great for a while and then turned on you again when he was next moody...

Good Advice wrote: »

Ill just lie low for awhile and get myself back on track

Oh come on OP - get out there and mix with your friends - you have no good reason to hide right now. You need to get busy and just try and have some fun alone.

Stay strong though - he will come sniffing back around as he really believes he has you twisted around his little finger. Please re-read the above and stop right this second making excuses.
> He cheated
> He is moody himself - nothing to do with his brother or that pig we saw flying last night
> He needs you - as in he needs someone he can control...

Don't be that person....

Good Advice

I'm not getting back with him I know I can't. Just hard.

I am a friend

He cheated on you so now he knows that cheating in a long term relationship is an option so (a) he knows he can get away with it and (b) he doesn’t trust anyone cos he cant trust himself. This is why he wants to put you in a bad mood before going out – so he cant control you and try to stop you going out in case you do cheat. Totally warped logic. Stick with this guy and you will have a life of torture and looking over your shoulder.

You are young so lucky that you don’t have a wedding ring on and 2 kids with this guy. Move on….. Best of luck.

Good Advice

Yea I should have walked away last year really fool me once and all that! Yup I'm lucky in that sense, hope this is the biggest regret in his life what he has done to me.. Thanks

I am a friend

Good Advice wrote: »

Yea I should have walked away last year really fool me once and all that! Yup I'm lucky in that sense, hope this is the biggest regret in his life what he has done to me.. Thanks

Ah look ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ – we all have things we regret doing and not doing. As long as you run away now and don’t look back you are doing well but if you hang around for more verbal abuse and cheating then you are making a big mistake.

Good Advice

Nah I'm shot of him now, turned off men for a good while!! I'm running as we speak and never looking back :P

missgroovy21

it was good that he told you as soon as he kissed that girl that did make him feel guilty....on the flip side...he did kiss someone else so that was ur decision to let him back in your life......he shouldnt have stressed you out b4 your exam thats just mean....if he has cheated on you since move on hes not worth it!!!!