a so-called friend is turning 30 - attend or not attend?

LegacyUser

To keep this as short as possible:
I was bullied at secondary school by a girl (lets call her Joan) I went to primary school with. I never actually knew I was being “bullied”, as it was the subtle sort of bullying - exclusion, being ignored etc etc. I was a billy-no-mates for most of the 6 years.
I’m 29 now, and after spending some time in therapy to address various issues (bullying came up, and I finally saw the secondary school period and this girl for what they were). Over the past few years I have become friendly with those girls again (I did remain friends with one of them throughout, although less so during school; she was another primary school friend). I am happy being friends with all the others, but I think Joan and I are a lost cause. I don’t feel annoyed about this; I am simply carrying on being friends with the others. Recently I have been complimented by one or two girls in the group and it makes me sad that I never got the chance to be friends with them growing up! Joan made sure of this. To this day, Joan is still cold towards me, not so much so that others have noticed (they never will, she is a Saintly figure in the group). She has also left me out of arrangements once or twice. I don’t see this as an oversight. She never actually chats to me, never asks how work is going, never takes a genuine interested in me full stop. We are not friends in reality, just in name; just we share the same 3 or 4 friends. I’m not upset anymore, it’s a problem she has had for years. I concentrate on the others friendships now.

So, she is turning 30 soon. She is coming back to her home town to celebrate on the May bank holiday. I live 3 hours from home, and don’t come home every week. Because the May and Easter bank holidays are so close I was planning on coming home for Easter only. There is also a really good band playing here on the May bank hol, and I’d like to see them. I’m not sure if not going home to celebrate Joan’s b-day is a good move, as it might make me look bad in front of the others. To be honest, the stubborn side to me is thinking ‘no, don’t go home, don’t fuss over a cow who despises you since you were a child’. The only reason I’d actually go home is that the others don’t think I’m being a bit mean for not making the effort. Some people here may think that going along to whatever do is held is the mature thing to do, but maybe I should suit myself...?!
So, what do you think???

Thanks a lot for reading!

shellyboo

Mayhol wrote: »

I’m not sure if not going home to celebrate Joan’s b-day is a good move, as it might make me look bad in front of the others. To be honest, the stubborn side to me is thinking ‘no, don’t go home, don’t fuss over a cow who despises you since you were a child’. The only reason I’d actually go home is that the others don’t think I’m being a bit mean for not making the effort. Some people here may think that going along to whatever do is held is the mature thing to do, but maybe I should suit myself...?!

Your first instinct is spot on. Why put yourself out over someone you dislike and who dislikes you? Suit yourself and go see the band you want to see!

If the friends ask, say you've already made plans that weekend (tickets bought for the gig) and can't get out of it, but sure you'll see them all over the Easter break anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you even invited?;)

Suit yourself, at 30 most people start to do that now. "Peer pressure" and expectations of friends always going along with the group, for the most part have disappeared by that age.

If you had no plans to go home that week, then don't. If you'd like to go home to see the band, then do.. and then if it suits you, or if you're in the mood, meet up with them after the gig.

I missed my own mothers surprise 60th, because I had tickets for something else. I could easily have gotten rid if the tickets, but I really wanted to go! I joined the party when the gig finished!

Emme

Don't go if she's so unpleasant and makes you miserable. Say you have had something else arranged for ages. If you're asked why you didn't go you can say (lying through your teeth ) I'm so sorry to miss this but I had X arranged and paid for ages ago.

Miaireland

I assume that you are invited. Don't go. No one would think any less of you for not going, just tell them you can't make it.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Surely your friends are aware of the way she is with you? QUOTE]

Absolutely not! We aren't hanging out week in, week out so there aren't all that many chances for her to 'slip up' in front of the others. she's a Saintly figure in the group as I said. They are pretty green in ways, but in fairness from their point of views she is a genuine friend to them...

Not a single suggestion here for me to attend. I know what I'm going to do.

Thanks a lot

D rog

Thing is she might be a genuine friend to them, and that's fine. But she isn't to you, so I wouldn't dream of going if I felt how you do.
It doesn't mean anything being awkward, just be matter of fact about only being home for easter, and not being able to get back again so soon.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, sorry. I misunderstood your 1st post. I thought the band were playing in your home town!

Well, that just makes it all so much easier. Just tell them you'll be home at Easter, but not the following weekend. That would be perfectly acceptable. No need for excuses and explanations.

crazym02

You should go along for the banter, don't let the woman know that she is bothering you by not turning up. Go along for ten minutes and then make out like you've somewhere better to be!

Big Bag of Chips

Why would she travel 3 hours home, to go to a party she doesn't want to be at, stay for 10 mins, and then pretend she has somewhere else to be?! When she could just stay where she is and go to the thing she DOES want to go to!!:rolleyes:

crazym02

lol

Firetrap

I don't see any compelling reason at all why you should go. She doesn't like you, she hasn't invited you and I doubt you'd be welcome if you did show up. Unless your friends have the collective IQs of a pot plant, they've got to know that you two aren't friends and I'd be surprised if they expected you to go. Part of the fun of becoming an adult is having the ability to say no to these sorts of scenarios and doing what you want. So the day in the way that suits you best and don't give a second thought to what others think.

solerina

I agree with everyone else....dont go, she isnt worth it !!!

Aishae

i agree with the 'why bother with it?' thinking! she's obviously not quite the saint people think she is.
you know yourself what you want to do. and if anyone gives you grief over it just saying 'im washing my hair' (well not literally - but make an excuse theyll probably accept - work, college, prior engagement, frontal lobotomy appointment that sounds more fun) - yeah i have a sarcastic streak but you see what i mean. hopefully no one will bat an eyelid. 30th bday arent all that anyway