Jack Handey-quotes

MonkieSocks

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so
what, can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs
in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea
but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
books.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and
go to sleep.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.