Lack of loyalty towards leaving work colleague?

James400

Hi all,

I'm looking for opinions. About two months ago a female work colleague had informed the company that i work for that she was leaving due to family reasons, she had three young children which she wanted to look after and was able to finish with us as luckily her husband had managed to get a bit of a pay increase. Fair enough.

My company would have a total of 40 people working there and there would be a fairly even proportion of men and women.

Anyway, the girl in question had sent a group e-mail early a couple of months ago informing everybody that she was having a night out. Generally there was a positive reaction but some people couldn't make the initial night out. This being the case my female work colleague then changed the date of her night out to accomodate everybody.

This girl had been working with our company for the past 6 years and she was manager of another 4 girls in her area. She helped to train these girls up and to her credit she went out of her way to give these girls good reviews etc.

In total roughly 35 or so colleagues were expected to turn up. There were 3 people who genuinely couldn't make this night out leaving 32 or so colleagues due to turn up.

On the night itself only 9 people showed up including myself, and we were absolutely astounded that none of the 4 girls who my female colleague helped to train up showed up on the night.

All of the people who didn't show up, had know about this event for a couple of months and they were all promising to be there for this girl.

My supervisor was in attendance and he was telling me that for a large enough company like ours that there is effectively no loyalty shown towards colleagues. The majority of the people who didn't show are friends with her on Facebook etc (might not be any more!) and were all making the right noises about attending this event, how fantastic she was..blah, blah. Most disappointingly for this girl was the fact that the girls she was going out of her way to assist over a number of years at the company didn't bother their collective backside to turn up. It's terrible because it's effectively a two-finger salute to this girl.

Yes, situations occur which make people genuinely unable to attend, but the majority of colleagues knew that this event was coming and where putting away a few quid for it. Also the girl in question changed her plans to accomdate these people and this is the thanks she gets?

Also there was a single male colleague of mine who was under the impression that one single girl/colleague in particular quite liked him and she was making noises about attending/she liked him etc, promised she was going..and she didn't show either. The poor chap was planning to ask her out. Gone. He sees her in a different light now! Obviously she wasn't interested.

Anyway my supervisor is planning to shame the people who didn't show in the canteen this Tuesday. I have advised him not to.

Do you think my supervisor should say something to this people? Do you think this sense of a lack of loyalty to colleagues is quite common?

Curry Addict

sounds like a normal enough situation. no disrespect intended by you sound naive in the work enviroment, although i do remember when i used to think like this too. the ****ty thing is, that, this is all you can expect from work colleagues.

coolcat63

It's a horrible situation but, no, the supervisor shouldn't say anything. The company can not dictate to people what they do in their time outside working hours (I'm sure everyone will come up with some excuse, valid or not) and there is no point as it will drag the whole debacle into a bitch-fest. (Apologies if that's a politically incorrect phrase!

You have to feel very sorry for the person leaving though, not a nice memory.

coolcat63

It's a horrible situation but, no, the supervisor shouldn't say anything. The company can not dictate to people what they do in their time outside working hours and I'm sure everyone will come up with some excuse, valid or not plus there is no point as it will drag the whole debacle into a bitch-fest. (Apologies if that's a politically incorrect phrase!).

You have to feel very sorry for the person leaving though, not a nice memory.

Taltos

OP - how is this a personal issue for you?
I really think that while not ideal you and your supervisor need to cop on. People in work are under no obligation to spend their private time with anyone they choose not to. They might have very valid reasons or they just could not be bothered or maybe they just don't like to spend time with folk they don't really like. Either way - whatever their excuses/choices it is NO one elses business.

My suggestion is to try to learn to separate your feelings when you are in work. You are there to do a job, not to make friends or to see who will come on a night out.

spinandscribble

what happens is that each of those people thought they could get away with not going and it accumulated into that number. these are not friends, they're work colleagues. Its sad for the woman leaving though.

Poor Craythur

OP, a quick look at people's events on FB show that for the vast majority of events most people who are invited will RSVP 'Not Attending'. It's something I've long observed.

I asked 30 people to my 21st birthday party, I think 5 showed up. It was depressing, but it's life.

People have other stuff going on and someone's going away party may not enthrall them. Don't forget, many people dislike work nights out, and don't like to socialise with the people they work with.

Your supervisor should let it go. People will NOT want to be lectured about their lives outside of work and it is none of your supervisor's business.

cafecolour

I agree people shouldn't be expected to participate in socializing with work colleagues outside of work, if they don't want to. It's a professional relationship, not a personal one.

That said, it's pretty poor form to say you're going to an event and then not show up without even sending an excuse. I have not time for people like that.

Sleepy

There's also the simple financial reality of the times we're living in. Myself and my partner can afford a night out a month each at a stretch. Typically, I'm going to use that one night to catch up with close friends rather than out with colleagues. If work are putting on a social night where the cost of the night is negligible (i.e. free food / bar and I just have to pay bus costs etc.) I'll probably come along but otherwise, I just can't afford it and I'm far from alone in being in this position.

If the supervisor opens his mouth about it, he's likely to be told to pay for the night if he wants people to come.

Mighty_Mouse

Most disappointingly for this girl was the fact that the girls she was going out of her way to assist over a number of years at the company didn't bother their collective backside to turn up. It's terrible because it's effectively a two-finger salute to this girl.

I trust it was her job to train these girls?
It really is not a 2 fingered salute. You are making personal emotive arguments about a professional job environment.

I think some people tend to have a naive view of work environments. Especially an office scenario. Work is not a place to make friends,develop personal relationships and boost your social life.

It can happen. But usually a natural thing where 2 colleagues will meet up for pints outside work. Pre-arranged, awkward, team-spirit building nights are just that = awkward. It helps relax people & work together but they're awkward.

Personally I keep my 2 lives seperate. Over-time I get slowly bugged by the constant barrage of leaving, birthdays, christmas parties....... Weekends are super important to me. I rarely go drinking and when I do..............As if I want to spend my friday nights with a bunch of people I hardly know. ...........the main topic of conversation is usually whether anybody has noticed cheaper paper in the photo-copier lately.

It's a professional environment. You turn-up, work...........sin é.

matrim

Was this a straight after work thing or on a Saturday?

For an after work thing with about 35 in the team \ company I'd expect about 15 people to show up with between 5 - 10 of them leaving after 2 or 3 pints. For a not straight after work thing I'd expect up to 10 to turn up depending on the night.

It's slightly bad form that they agreed to go but then didn't turn up but as someone else said they probably all though that they would be the only one not going so it wouldn't be noticed. It's very unlikely to be a slight against the person leaving and you'll run the risk of starting bad feelings in the group if you try to shame the others because they didn't go.

LegacyUser

40 people in the office and a quarter show up - that's not bad.

At some stage in our working lives we realise who our friends are and who our colleagues are. It's good to learn it early.

Some people see the office as an extension of a social life, others keep the two completely seperate and having been on both sides of that fence, I've noticed that if you're on one side, you don't really understand the other side.

But, maybe everyone thought that everyone else was going and therefore decided, "I'm not going to be missed".

The supervisor has no right to make anyone feel bad.

I remember going to a leaving do for a guy who'd worked in the company for a few years - he was a plonker. 6 people showed. It was horribly embarrassing but had he not been such a spa, more people would have gone along. I only went along as a sense of duty (in fact we all did).

Also, was there a whip around for a leaving present and maybe a couple of leaving lunches? People might have had to chip in for those.

And, leaving parties only really mean something to the person leaving - it means very little to anyone else.

Outkast_IRE

this sort of thing happens all the time, If im asked to something like that then i usually just give a yes i can go or nope cant make it ,
i hate when people say they are going but all along know they wont.

John400

Taltos wrote: »

My suggestion is to try to learn to separate your feelings when you are in work. You are there to do a job, not to make friends or to see who will come on a night out.

Of course you're at work to do a job but it doesn't mean you have to turn into a un-emotional robot.

As regards 'not making friends' there are certainly workplaces out there were people get on and would consider some colleagues as friends and vice-versa.

If colleagues weren't making friends you wouldn't have situations like people meeting their future partners at work.

Katgurl

People not showing up is unfortunate but not indicative of how much they care.

I remember years ago booking a dinner for 15 girls (ex-collegues) a few before I was leaving a country. They all cancelled on me that day. Every single one. I was beyond disappointed. But the reality was, each one thought everyone else was going and, as it was a big group, their absence woudn't be noticed.

In work the next day, presumably they all realised what had happened when they began askign how the previous night out was and received "i wasn't there... were YOU not there... were you there... did ANYONE go?". They arrived out to my drinks the following night armed with a gift and apologies which i accepted wholeheartedly as I knew it wasnt intentional. Eight years later, i am still friends with many of them.

I dont think anything formal shoudl be said as nobody really did anything wrong. But maybe something nice could be organised; she could be invited along to some other unofficial drinks and state in the invite that everyone would love to see her there as so many people were disappointed they weren't able to make it to going-away? Or just a nice lunch some day?

Pauleta

I think its a bit egostistical to have a leaving party in the 1st place let alone expect most people to turn up. I left a job a few years ago where i met so many good friends who are still good friends to this day. The fact that they are real friends mean i didnt feel the need to have any sort of leaving party because i knew i will see them again.

Stench Blossoms

^^^
Slightly agree with the above. Not really into having 'leaving' party's myself.

They are work colleagues, not friends.

Poor Craythur

Pauleta wrote: »

I think its a bit egostistical to have a leaving party in the 1st place let alone expect most people to turn up. I left a job a few years ago where i met so many good friends who are still good friends to this day. The fact that they are real friends mean i didnt feel the need to have any sort of leaving party because i knew i will see them again.

Is it bad that I feel this way too? I would never have a leaving party personally.