Being confused

Gannicus

Start from the top and apologies in advance if I ramble on.

Met a girl through online dating site (she initiated contact with me). We got chatting regularly over the course of a week. The decided to go on an impromptu date on the Friday night. Went great and we have a butt-load in common. Turned out we lived close by and all. End of the night I dropped her home and we kissed in the car.

We met up had lunch on Monday ending in the same result. This happened a number of times over the coming weeks. Everything was going fantastically. One night we went to dinner. On the way home stopped for a few drinks (Had the car with me didn't drink anything with alcohol in it). We chatted, had a great laugh and kissed again. We spent most of the evening and night Saturday at a gig. I asked her to a gig that was on the following weekend. Said she was away that weekend. Didn't put a pass on it as people do go away like. So didn't hear from her till she got back, I didn't want to text her/ring her and seem like a stalker, plus she was away.

So she gets back texts me saying she being thinking over the last few days. tells me that she really likes me but doesn't see me as anything more than a friend and still wanted to hang out, told her thanks for being honest with me but honestly was let down myself as I really liked her. Left it there.

Fast forward 2 weeks. Hadn't heard anything from her in that time. Get a text off her. Get chatting again about going out sometime. Told her its not really fair to either party as I really like her and she not looking for the same thing as me. Then silence again for a few days. So recently she's been texting me asking me to do date based stuff with her (for lack of a better term) like dinner, go to do's and drinks etc. just the 2 of us. Honestly I've fibbed the odd time saying I'm busy because I'm training a lot lately (which I am). Truth is that I don't want to be played for a fool.

My friends had different theories about this:
1. She was away and was with someone else (in some form of physical capacity) and felt guilty and ended with me when she got back.
2. She thought she didn't like me and then realized she did because I hadn't been around or talking to her.
3. She's looking into me and her too much and freaking herself out.

I'm at a point where my head is melted and don't know what to do about the situation. Has anyone got and advice please.

cafecolour

I'd just ask her what the deal is. Does she want to date you again, or is she still not interested?

If she does want to date you again, you have decide if it's worth the possibility of her deciding she's not interested in you again. Which is quite possible - she might have convinced herself your a good guy to date and to give you more time, but may not feel any chemistry when you get back together.

kjl

Several weeks of dating and no mention of sex, no wonder you are in friendville. You need to pull the trigger mate, it seems to me like you are not making enough of a move for her to realise that you are after more than just friends. In fairness like, you have only kissed her twice, what is she supposed to think.

My advice would be to meet up with her again, and when the time is right, kiss, then escalate to sex. Be more assertive in this area and you will get the girl. I'll assume the fact that you are using a dating site means you are not the best at this scene and that's ok, but my advice still stands.

Gannicus

kjl wrote: »

Several weeks of dating and no mention of sex, no wonder you are in friendville.

I didn't want to push it too soon on the sex issue

kjl wrote: »

you have only kissed her twice, what is she supposed to think.

I don't think I was being all that clear in that matter

Big Steve wrote: »

End of the night I dropped her home and we kissed in the car.

We met up had lunch on Monday ending in the same result. This happened a number of times over the coming weeks.

We kissed everytime we went out. not just twice. Sorry I should have clarified that fact

kjl

OK, fair enough, but I still feel you should be making a move towards sex. It's called the 3 date rule for a reason. Women like it when men are confident in this area, by holding off she might wonder what is wrong with you as most guys would be pushing for it quite quickly.

LostinKildare

Another possibility: She was being honest when she said she's not into you romantically, but she likes the fact that you're into her and wants to bask in that. What did she say when you

Big Steve wrote: »

Told her its not really fair to either party as I really like her and she not looking for the same thing as me.

Nothing? Ask her straight out what her intentions are. I don't think it's a good idea to get aggressive about sex when she's already told you she just wants to be friends -- that could end badly.

shellyboo

Yeah, she didn't suddenly decide she just wants to be friends just because you didn't put the moves on her. Women are perfectly capable of asking for sex if they want it, at least the ones with half an ounce of sense are.

Just ask her straight out if she's interested in dating you or not... and make it clear again that you're not really interested in friendship as it'd be unfair to you since you want more. If she shoots you down again but keeps texting, I'd just ignore her tbh.

santana75

I think you're doing the right thing Big Steve by not meeting up with her. Sounds like she wants this on her terms and hers alone. She doesnt want to have a romantic relationship with you but, as someone already put it, she'd still like to bask in the adulation you show her. She's trying to use you. Not in a sinister, knowing way. In fact shes probably not even aware of exactly what shes doing(at least I hope thats the case). But that doesnt matter to you, all you know is that shes trying to muck you around. Knock the whole thing on the head man, you deserve better than what you're getting from this girl. Sounds like you've already had a conversation with her but she didnt take it onboard. The only thing left to do now is to just avoid her and not respond to her calls/texts.

Gannicus

santana75 wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing Big Steve by not meeting up with her.

That was my thinking but I do kinda feel bad about lying when I'm saying I'm busy when I'm actually just sitting on me ar*e.

santana75 wrote: »

Knock the whole thing on the head man, you deserve better than what you're getting from this girl.

Thanks santana.

lynsalot

The 3 date rule? Wha? Never heard of it... and to be fair to be OP if she's unsure about dates, making your move and assaulting the girl isn't going to help

I think she's probably not that interested. She is maybe flattered by the attention, excited about the dates but in honesty not overly overly interested.

Then again its hard to know without knowing her. I know at the start of my relationship I wasn't too interested in my now boyfriend. Had just come out of a marriage and we became friends for the while. But it grew from there and a lot of patience from him.

Depends on her story mate. You need more info from her but ultimately to trust your own instincts. It's sh1te that she's treating you like this on and off but hope it works out for you anyway

Best of Luck

Pretty_Pistol

kjl wrote: »

OK, fair enough, but I still feel you should be making a move towards sex. It's called the 3 date rule for a reason. Women like it when men are confident in this area, by holding off she might wonder what is wrong with you as most guys would be pushing for it quite quickly.

The 3rd date rule means F all. Do you go by the 3 day rule before getting in contact with a girl too?

OP it's really impossible to know what's going on with this girl. Maybe meet up with her and be firm that you are interested in a relationship with her not a friendship. If she still says no to a relationship then she's just enjoying the attention you're giving her. Do yourself a favour and cut contact with her.

IrishEyes19

Personally I think she's using you, she probably doesnt have anyone at the moment and I'm sure she's loving the nights out, dinners, gigs ect. You sound like a nice guy but I find it odd that she asks to be a friend after letting you down, and when you explain you want more than that, she comes back, asks for a date like night out, but doesnt state that she's interested in trying again.

To be honest you've played all the right cards, havent put any pressure on sex, taken her out on proper dates, kissed and so on. But I wouldnt be impressed with her lack of making a decision.

Also I dont think its the case of she doesnt know what she wants. Most people do. Your best bet would be to lay the cards down on the table as they are, and if she doesnt want something proper, just cut contact and explain why. I sense she's looking for the perks here. Just have that feeling. but thats only from readig your post. So of course, you'll need to suss it out. best of luck

mood

kjl wrote: »

OK, fair enough, but I still feel you should be making a move towards sex. It's called the 3 date rule for a reason. Women like it when men are confident in this area, by holding off she might wonder what is wrong with you as most guys would be pushing for it quite quickly.

As a woman I totally disagree with this. I like it when a guy doesn't try it on asap. It shows respect and that he isn't just after a one night stand.

OP meet her again a be honest and say you want a relationship and don't think being friends is a good idea.

Gannicus

mood wrote: »

As a woman I totally disagree with this. I like it when a guy doesn't try it on asap. It shows respect and that he isn't just after a one night stand.

That was my trail of thought too but am I wrong in this. Should I've been more forward or for want of a better term aggressive with my intentions and feelings for her. Maybe have tried it on or suggested we go somewhere and stayed overnight and go to the "next level" so to speak

mood

Big Steve wrote: »

That was my trail of thought too but am I wrong in this. Should I've been more forward or for want of a better term aggressive with my intentions and feelings for her. Maybe have tried it on or suggested we go somewhere and stayed overnight and go to the "next level" so to speak

Being pushy won't make a girl want a relationship with a guy IMO. I hate pushy guys. I think you are analysing it too much. You just need to move on or have a chat with her.

Gannicus

Thanks all for your advice....

Gannicus

Well I did it. I spoke to her and was good to get an answer. Feel much better now.. Thanks Everyone

amen

Sorry I've been following this thread. So what happened?

Gannicus

amen wrote: »

Sorry I've been following this thread. So what happened?

Went out in the car for a spin. Pulled up along the coast road and chatted about it. Got it all cleared up.

kjl

mood wrote: »

Being pushy won't make a girl want a relationship with a guy IMO. I hate pushy guys. I think you are analysing it too much. You just need to move on or have a chat with her.

There is a difference with being pushy and what I am talking about. What I am talking about is taking initiative. He mentioned kissing her, but he didn't mention if there was anything beyond that. When I am dating a girl, I will invite her back to my place after a date, start kissing and things take a natural course. This is in no way pushy, this is showing myself as a strong confident sexual person which is an attractive quality to most women.

When I talk about esculation, I obviously mean reading the situation, you can see it in a womans eyes when she wants more, and I fear that the OP may have missed the opportunity. Even in the way he resolved the situation seems a little shy to me, bringing her out and having a chat. I think he needed to be more passionate. She clearly liked him, or she wouldn't have been kissing him on all these dates.

kjl

shellyboo wrote: »

Yeah, she didn't suddenly decide she just wants to be friends just because you didn't put the moves on her. Women are perfectly capable of asking for sex if they want it, at least the ones with half an ounce of sense are.

Just ask her straight out if she's interested in dating you or not... and make it clear again that you're not really interested in friendship as it'd be unfair to you since you want more. If she shoots you down again but keeps texting, I'd just ignore her tbh.

I know you think that, but you are not every woman. A lot of girls are shy in this area and need a man to take the first step.

Gannicus

kjl wrote: »

She clearly liked him, or she wouldn't have been kissing him on all these dates.

This is what I thought. and thats why theory #1 from my original post stood out to me.

Big Steve wrote: »

My friends had different theories about this:
1. She was away and was with someone else (in some form of physical capacity) and felt guilty and ended with me when she got back.
2. She thought she didn't like me and then realized she did because I hadn't been around or talking to her.
3. She's looking into me and her too much and freaking herself out.

But no worries I have it sorted now so....