10 years Emotionally Dead

LegacyUser

10 years ago my partner & I were living together had massive row. Things were not going well and we were on the verge of splitting up. A huge row ensued with me being beaten, property damaged, tv smashed, etc and me being raped, amongst other things. I left the house that morning never to return.

I rebuilt my life, however I have not really had a close relationship since. I never told anyone about what happened that day (I told them about the violence because there were marks on me, but not about the rape) I have blocked it out for years and kind of pretended it did not happen.

Recently I realised that I have been emotionally dead for a long time. I have been trying to wake myself up or else I am coming out of it myself. However, now I do not sleep at night and have "flashbacks" and nightmares. I was drinking a lot so I would sleep but have tried to knock drink on the head but that has made things worse.

Sometimes I have to get up at 4am and go driving in my car listening to loud music to try to block this out. Last week I wanted to smash the car into a wall so it would all stop.

Part of me feels that I was better off when the thing was completely buried and I was emotionally dead but I dont want to be that person. I dont trust people and dont let people get close to me.

On the surface, I am an attractive, outgoing person, but underneath I am caving. I am angry with him (never mentioned it to him) angry with me for letting it happen (how could I not protect myself) and angry with the world. I am not sure I can talk to anyone about this (Counsellor, etc) but I feel I am sinking fast.

no user name

hi I never post but I just want to let you know that I have been in a similar state of mind as you say you are now and I made the right decision for me by ringing the samaritan's.I had an incident of abuse in my life when I was very young that i never told anyone about and then about 15 years later i couldn't stop thinking about it and it was affecting my ability to cope. At the time when I rang them I felt like I had hit rock bottom and needed to do something to help myself and give me some relief from the pain I was in. You will get to talk to someone who will be patient and kind with you.When your in emotional pain just having someone listen can really help. what ever you decide is right for you, can you post here again and let me know how your getting on.

samaritans number 1850 60 90 90

LostinKildare

You put off dealing with what happened because it was just too painful, and now it's rearing up. Don't despair, this is your chance to truly put it behind you and move on to a happier life, clear of it. Be brave, you can do it! You have great tools to help you -- your post shows that you are very self-aware and you're well able to express yourself, but most important, you have a strong instinct for self-preservation (sad to say, some women wouldn't have walked out that day). The strength you had then is still there.

You should get a counselor to help you, through Samaritans or however. It feels awkward at first but just do it, you have everything to gain. It will bring you relief, and you'll come out of this situation calmer, wiser, and braver in your relationships with other people. Good luck!

lynsalot

Hi OP,

Well done for wanting help! It is a massive step to face up to trauma's in our past. It is definitely much easier to bury things but its no way to live at all. I think you're being so brave and even though it's hard you are absolutely doing the right thing in wanting to sort it all out and move on with your life. You deserve to be happy.

The reason you feel haunted by what happened in compounded by the years of suppressing emotions. That dread of "it" all coming back adds to the turmoil and now you're fearing both the memories and those bad feelings.

But the good thing is, there's definitely help out there and something you can do. The one thing I can promise you is there is hope out there. You've recognised that these feelings u have now are linked to the incident ten years ago. That's half the battle.

I recently started CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) to help me deal with things from my past and its been immensely helpful. It's given me hope and helped me understand things. I feel better and better as the days go by.

You should consider looking into it.

Best of Luck and Well done for having the courage to want to change things for you.

romulus augustulus

I'm desperately sorry to hear your story . Thankfully , I've never been through anything like this , but I would imagine that your local Rape Crisis Centre might be able to help . You've come this far and you're clearly trying to deal with it so it's got to be worth a call . Best of luck .

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

Thats a really awful story, please please get help. I honestly think you'll be amazed at how much it helps to talk to someone, I think we all want someone to take care of us. I could recommend someone (but I dont think thats allowed) but defo try the Rape Crisis Centre or the Samaritans as other people have said.

Please get the help you need to put this behind you, obviously you will never forget it but it doesnt have to define you, any anger at yourself is misdirected.

A relative of mine went through abuse as a teenager and when she got the right help I couldnt believe the change, she is in her mid twenties now and relapsed into depression recently so it is a constant struggle but the help is there to get you through.

In the meantime take care of yourself, eat well, do some gentle exercise and try to sleep as much as possible.

Ickle Magoo

You really need to talk to someone and work through this, OP.

You may find some useful contacts here.

All the best

TheminxIRL

OP you are a very brave and obviously a strong person to have dealt with what you have.

You may just need a little outside help now to deal with what you are feeling but I really admire you for holding it together without help before.

You give other women who have suffered the same trauma's as you that you can live your life after someone so selfishly trys to run it