In love with two women - unreal, insane!

Irrelevant

This is strange, for I could have never imagined life to be so ironic, and this so painful. I`ve met my now wife 6 years ago, we got married last year.

I`ve cheated on my wife many times, I never got caught. My wife is 25, I`m 27. We don`t yet have children. She wanted a beautiful wedding, we had one. However on a intellectual level I don`t feel we have connected that well, we don`t watch movies together, we don`t do a great deal of stuff together, and I find it difficult to talk to her about my troubles. I actually find it difficult to talk to anyone, including family, about my thoughts, my feelings, I`m concrete on the outside. Funny thing is that being very reliable, and not very sentimental, makes people tell you their problems, and family, wife included, always expect you to be there for them. My work involves leaving home for 3-4 days a week for another town, 100 miles away.
Coming home today I cried for about half the trip, alone in my car, thinking, but mostly crying.
I have had many short affairs, mostly sexual encounters, but I`ve met intelligent, attractive women, with whom I`ve connected on some level, we had "chemistry". However, always when home I felt the "warmth" of the place, I do love my wife, or do I, anyway.
9 years ago, during my college years, I came home (parents house) for the weekend, as usually. My sister was just starting 9th grade. I recall siting on the couch in the living room when a classmate of my sister passed on the way to my her room. I recall that face, it`s a picture in my memory, I recall everything, clothes, eyes, hair style, a beautiful young lady. And that was it, I met her several times afterwards, she and my sister became close friends (she became a usual at my home). I always found her very attractive sexually, but never started a real conversation, it was just hi and hello and a smile. I was to meet my actual wife 3 years latter.
4 years later, being with my -now- wife, I went to a club with a good friend. This wasnt in my home town but in the town I attended college.
We set down, checking the joint for girls . A attractive young lady, totally drunk, comes to our table, sits down, I didn`t recognize her until she mentioned who she was (my sisters classmate). I gave her some more to drink, we talked, I found it funny how childish and drunk she was. She gave me her cell. I asked. My friend and I left, she staid with her friends. I recall my friend telling me in the car not to call her, as she knew my wife, she was "to close", it wasn`t safe. I never called. Fast forward 3 years, my sister calls, asks if I can give her friend a ride to the town she attends college (it was in my way). I agreed. And here she came, beautiful, tall, young lady. I was always thinking "I would **** that". We talked in the car. At first I thought, how sad, she became a crack addict (turns out completely false), changed her hair, cut it short, blonde with shades of blue, a very futurist look. I remember being impressed by how smart she was, and how well she could handle the conversation. Fast forward to autumn 2010, our wedding (me and my wife), the attractive young lady arranged with my wife to be one of the hostesses for the guests. I noticed this arrangement at the wedding. A note of irony, at the wedding, my best friend, who is also married, discretely pointed at the hostess, and asked me if I was crazy getting married, when he was thinking about a divorce, started laughing, and went to dance with his wife.
2 months later a good friend of mine invited me to the opening of his bar, I didn`t want to go, but was convinced by another close friend. I went, sat down, one boring hour passed, the door opened, the attractive young lady shows up out of nowhere with another close friend of my wife and sister. They noticed our table, came and sat down. She picked the chair near mine, I was playing with the wedding ring on my finger. We talked. At that point I was thinking she would do for a great **** on the sidelines. I asked her what did she do with the joint I gave her when I gave her a ride (1 year prior). Did she smoke it? She smiled, and said no, it was still in her drawer, at home. We agreed to go get it. In the car I just snapped and I kissed her, she said "nothing happened", I laughed, she looked scared but intrigued, we parked, talked for a few minutes and than we just kissed passionately for half and hour.
The young lady I tough would be a great **** (which it was/is) turned out to be an intelligent, funny, great looking woman. Later we started to enjoy movies together, to stay up all night and talk, talk about things I`ve never shared (OR FELT THE NEED TO SHARE) with anyone, we cuddled in bed and started at each other and smiled, we made love for days in a row and never left my work apartment (2011).
When I came home tonight, I looked at my wife, I kissed her, I told her I love her, my eyes red from crying half the way. She went to bed, I`m still writing this, I went and kissed her again, and felt compelled to start crying again.
I don`t often experience feelings, I don`t feel compelled to cry much, or even if I do, I don`t. Usually when with friends, wife or family I can`t talk about my issues, toughs, I`m an "icy" guy, to say the least.
Except for 2 close (very close) friends of mine nobody knows, and they think shes just a great ****, although I have never elaborated on the subject.
So this is where I`m standing at this point, married to beautiful woman, whom I do love, I know that much, and crazy in love with a beautiful lady I first met 9 years ago.
A divorce would be something that my family/wifes family would not understand, my wife, for sure, would be heartbroken, badly (contemplate suicide?!), my grandma would probably die. My wife's parents, who separated and got back together after I talked to them (4 years ago), would be a mess. My friends would think I`m insane, for real, the young's ladies friends, including my sister, would think she is a spineless whore. All her friends actually know my sister, most of them know me (the older brother).
On the way home, crying, listening to Moby and contemplating suicide (I thought about smashing the car in a wall, does that count?), I kept asking myself what should I do. I feel how I`m being ripped apart, my mind just goes blank and I start to cry. I have no answer.

P.S.
Writing from somewhere in Europe.

Kimia

I actually can't. Wow.

Vicxas

First of all, very incredibly selfish of you.

Second, you need to make a decision, your wife seems like a wonderful person and you seem to treat her like dirt. Im sorry but i have no sympathy for you.

Fittle

And third of all, your grandmother won't die if you get a divorce:rolleyes:

Other than the fact that your thread seems like a chapter from a novel, I'm not sure that you love either woman. I'd leave both of them and let them get on with their own lives if I were you, they both deserve better treatment from a man who claims to love them.

cantdecide

For many reasons (mainly for her benefit) you should consider leaving your wife. Definitely before children get dragged into the whole sordid affair. You clearly don't love her and mistreat her.

You should try to find a counsellor to help you get to the root of your behaviour. It's definitely not cool and probably a bit narcississtic and destructive. As for the girl, if she really is your soul mate, there really is a good chance you could end up in a worse place. Could you handle her cheating the way you do? She knows you're a married man and she still jumped into bed with you. What does that tell you about her? On the other hand, you two might be a match made in heaven.

Ickle Magoo

I think if you've got to the stage you are duplicate posting to strangers on multiple different sites about your issues you'd be better off making an appointment with your doctor or therapist.

If you are feeling suicidal definitely make an appointment with a professional, we are not qualified to advise someone who is suicidal.

If you need to talk to someone in the meantime then you may find some useful contacts [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=70677479&postcount=3"]here[/URL].

HugoDrax

Hi OP,

If you are feeling suicidal then go talk to a professional.

Now in regard to your personal life you say you love your wife but you are crazy in love with this other woman you feel a greater connection with.

It seems to me that you actually love the second woman more and that she seems to be the woman you actually really want.

It seems to me that most of your life you have been living a lie - you keep yourself under tight control and you are there for your family and your wife but you have neglected your own needs.

But it does not matter what I think - it is what you think that really counts.

This is why you have had affairs and why you have come to the stage where you have realized you married the wrong woman.

There is no getting away from this - you have to make a choice.
Are you going to decide you have made your choice already - you do love your wife and you will stay with her?

OR

Do you want to leave your wife and have relationship with this woman who appears to be more like your real soul mate?
Regardless of what you do there is going to be pain and heartbreak.

You have to tell your wife and tell your family what is happening to you, you have to tell this other woman how you feel and you should go to a professional who can help you.

There is no right or wrong here - it is your choice and the choice is in her hands. You have to do something about it and take responsibility for your actions.

Irrelevant

Thank you for all the replies. I don`t think pills and people who read books (professionals) can help me. I will think about it however.

I keep playing this movie in my head, what would had happened if I would had interacted with the other woman sooner, as I have wrote, I first knew her 9 years ago.

As for the cheating part, I can tell you that once you have drank the kool aid it is very difficult to let go of this type of lifestyle. Many do it, only a bunch come forward. Is it wrong? I don`t know. Virtually 90% of the men I know do it. And they are all intelligent, college educated, people.

I guess I`m between a rock and a hard place.

Taltos

OP there are so many points in your posts that annoy me I am not sure where the hell to start.

I did read out your last post to my OH about 90% of the men you know being cheaters and she laughed and replied "90% of the people she knows are satanists who wear pink bows in their hair" - that is just a touch on how ridiculous this sounds. You justifying your cheating and blatant disregard for others feelings with the immortal get out of jail free card "well they do it too".

I did not pick up on you being suicidal, I thought you were referring to your wife. Look no matter what you decide to do this really is one big mess you got yourself into and being realistic - only you can get yourself out of it.
Step 1 - stop f*cking other people - I mean immediately. Your self worth is not measured or proved by how many beautiful women you can bed. You really need some time (months) alone without falling back on sex.
Step 2 - see a counsellor - someone impartial who will just listen to you - you need to start learning how to get all of these emotions off your chest - otherwise you will either be doomed to repeat your past mistakes or long term the stress will kill you.
Step 3 - With help - look at your relationships - should you really stay married? (Do NOT consider anyone else in this - not your grandma or the newspaper boy - this is all about you.). For all you claim to love your wife your actions and words paint a very different picture. She sounds more like a trophy wife - something to look good on your arm. It does not sound like you share anything together, she doesn't know you - and with all your cheating you really cannot know her or even respect her.
Step 4 - For the moment - end this relationship with your sister's friend. Tell her that you need time to sort your life out and that right now you are not being fair to her. Now - in the meantime she might meet someone else - but your relationship with her from your description does sound more like a standard relationship where you do have things in common. However - if folk find out or you string her along then this does not stand much chance of lasting the long haul.

Find someone to talk to fast - I know you don't believe in it. But you do need to unburden and get help in getting your mind sorted out.

Back to what got me to reply to this. 99% of the guys I know I know for a fact do not and have not cheated. The ones I know have cheated like you are deluded and think the rest of us are at it too. You know what - after a while I drop them from my circle as I get tired of their childish behaviour and juvinile justifications - "it's my football and you can't play with it".

Go talk to someone now...

LegacyUser

Op

I hope you're suicidal thought subside. This is an awful situation and it looks like everybody will come out of this hurt. The only innocent person though, is your beautiful wife. If you do love her you owe it to her to tell her. It will be devastating but she will then have the choice to to live the life that she wants and deserves.

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend is cheating on me. He says it means nothing and that I'm reading too much into it. I am numb at the moment. I don't know what to believe or what to do. I find it very interesting that you are so dismissive about the infidelity and lying issue. What you and (90% of your friends, as you say) are doing is so destructive and unnecessary. You do realise this about your behaviour? Have you thought about how you would feel if your wife were to behave as you are behaving? Not only have you put her emotional health at risk, physically you are putting her at risk of STDs etc.

The problem here is not about which woman you should choose, or how to fix your broken heart. You are paying the consequences for your own destructive and sociopathic behaviour. Not all people lie and cheat as you seem to believe they do. If you want to be at peace in life you need to sort out your head. Go and see a professional before somebody else is put at huge health risk as a result of your selfish and irresponsible behaviour.

But in the meantime can you help explain why you find it so easy to ruin other people's lives as well as your own?

HugoDrax

Irrelevant wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. I don`t think pills and people who read books (professionals) can help me. I will think about it however.

I keep playing this movie in my head, what would had happened if I would had interacted with the other woman sooner, as I have wrote, I first knew her 9 years ago.

As for the cheating part, I can tell you that once you have drank the kool aid it is very difficult to let go of this type of lifestyle. Many do it, only a bunch come forward. Is it wrong? I don`t know. Virtually 90% of the men I know do it. And they are all intelligent, college educated, people.

I guess I`m between a rock and a hard place.

Ok it seems then you are not the type of man who is designed for monogomy.

You tried it and it wasn't for you. There's no shame in that.

So be true to yourself but don't hurt other people - you are not happy being married although you do love your wife and you do care about her but you also find attractive woman to much to resist. So tell her the truth. If she doesn't know the real you then let her get to know the real you.

Perhaps you should get a divorce because you are like a volcano ready to explode? Or perhaps you can rescue your marriage?

You are between a rock and hard place so either way you are going to get a bloody nose out of this situation so you just have to choose the least worst outcome.

A professional can be a good listener and you can tell him/her your problems and they will be able to help you decide what is right for you.

Irrelevant

HugoDrax wrote: »

Ok it seems then you are not the type of man who is designed for monogomy.

You tried it and it wasn't for you. There's no shame in that.

So be true to yourself but don't hurt other people - you are not happy being married although you do love your wife and you do care about her but you also find attractive woman to much to resist. So tell her the truth. If she doesn't know the real you then let her get to know the real you.

Perhaps you should get a divorce because you are like a volcano ready to explode? Or perhaps you can rescue your marriage?

You are between a rock and hard place so either way you are going to get a bloody nose out of this situation so you just have to choose the least worst outcome.

A professional can be a good listener and you can tell him/her your problems and they will be able to help you decide what is right for you.

The young lady mentioned in my post, when talking one night, told me that when she can`t take a decision she thinks about the things she would not want, puts them on paper against the things that she wants and comes to a conclusion.

My wife always tells me we don`t spend enough time together, which is true and I`m the only one at fault for that (well my huge volume of work as well).

I think the people around me just don`t get me, and the fact that I met someone who "gets me" to some degree is/was mind-blowing, I never expected that. What is even more interesting is that people that don`t get you (family, close friends) always expect you to understand them, always think that what they do is "normal", and should be done and understood by everybody.

I think my wife wants me to be there 24/7, but not having that many things in common that would drive me crazy, so I escape 4 days a week, but I`m actually happy when home.

All your advice is kindly appreciated, thank you for all the replies. I guess life is just complicated, or maybe a joke in the end.

P.S.
I did a search on Google for "in love with two men" just to see, and my God are there a lot of results. Women, on the forums I visited, agree that a. you can be in love with two men and b. not one post stated that doing that (being in love with two men) would denote lack of character, or being a low life. I guess women just see things differently amongst themselves.

kennedy2212

Have you gone to counselling? if not I would suggest it. what you are doing is not fair to anyone. including yourself. Start a new life. a better one - where you know who you are and what you want to be

Irrelevant

kennedy2212 wrote: »

Have you gone to counselling? if not I would suggest it. what you are doing is not fair to anyone. including yourself. Start a new life. a better one - where you know who you are and what you want to be

Is not that I have an unhappy life. I`m in a very good financial condition, as well as my family, I just feel people don`t understand, I guess that is the most difficult thing. And having to put up with not being understood in my younger years made me reluctant to share anything, with anyone, especially my problems or my inner fights.

And I would like to mention this is not from a novel, this is not a story, this is all real, as real as it gets. This is not a joke, I wouldn`t had wasted my time, and the time of people who read this forum, with such a joke.

I`m reaching out outside of my own country for god-sake, I`m pretty messed up.

Fittle

Irrelevant wrote: »

Is not that I have an unhappy life. I`m in a very good financial condition, as well as my family, I just feel people don`t understand,

What people?

HugoDrax

Irrelevant wrote: »

Is not that I have an unhappy life. I`m in a very good financial condition, as well as my family, I just feel people don`t understand, I guess that is the most difficult thing. And having to put up with not being understood in my younger years made me reluctant to share anything, with anyone, especially my problems or my inner fights.

And I would like to mention this is not from a novel, this is not a story, this is all real, as real as it gets. This is not a joke, I wouldn`t had wasted my time, and the time of people who read this forum, with such a joke.

I`m reaching out outside of my own country for god-sake, I`m pretty messed up.

You are very honest and you know yourself and what you need to do now is to start sharing that honest and who you are with the women you love and the family you love.
Tell the truth.
Tell your wife you have been having affairs, tell her you love her and at the same time you love this other woman too. Tell you cannot decide which one you want. Tell her you are finding it very hard to be married and to avoid cheating.
If she truly loves you and I'm sure she really does and she really wants to know what is troubling you because there is no way a woman who has known you so long would not notice you are not being your usual self.
Tell the other woman in your life that you really love your wife and that you really love her too and you are stuck and you don't know whether to make a new life with her or try to save your marriage.
Tell your family what you have been doing and how you are feeling. Tell them you want them to understand how you feel and tell them it is making you upset, tell them you feel suicidal sometimes and tell them you want their help.
Remember that there are people in your life who worry about you and love you. That love is unconditional - they may become angry with you - but they will always love you.
Open you heart and tell people how you feel and if it means pain then it means pain but nothing can be worse than living a living a lie and not living according to the truth.
Do it and you will not regret it because if you continue the path of locking things inside you will hurt yourself and you will hurt the ones you love.
Remember you are a good man who has made bad choices.
You are not a bad person - you are just a human being and everyone has faults - nobody is perfect and life will never be easy or perfect.

Ickle Magoo

Irrelevant wrote: »

P.S.
I did a search on Google for "in love with two men" just to see, and my God are there a lot of results. Women, on the forums I visited, agree that a. you can be in love with two men and b. not one post stated that doing that (being in love with two men) would denote lack of character, or being a low life. I guess women just see things differently amongst themselves.

Irrelevant, please don't start attacking the posters on this forum or flaming a gender war or this thread will be locked.

Folks, Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Irrelevant

Fittle wrote: »

What people?

Friends, family, don`t understand me, not the situation as I have not shared it with anyone in the circle.

Fittle

Irrelevant wrote: »

Friends, family, don`t understand me, not the situation as I have not shared it with anyone in the circle.

You don't need to share it with anyone. Your granny doesn't need to die if you get a divorce. You are an adult and you have choices. Do the right thing here - you love neither of them. You have no respect for them. This is really all about you and how you feel. Do them both a favour and walk away from both relationships.

Emme

Irrelevant wrote: »

This is strange, for I could have never imagined life to be so ironic, and this so painful. I`ve met my now wife 6 years ago, we got married last year.

I`ve cheated on my wife many times, I never got caught. My wife is 25, I`m 27. We don`t yet have children. She wanted a beautiful wedding, we had one.

Your wedding wasn't beautiful, it was a lie.

Irrelevant wrote: »

However on a intellectual level I don`t feel we have connected that well, we don`t watch movies together, we don`t do a great deal of stuff together, and I find it difficult to talk to her about my troubles. I actually find it difficult to talk to anyone, including family, about my thoughts, my feelings, I`m concrete on the outside. Funny thing is that being very reliable, and not very sentimental, makes people tell you their problems, and family, wife included, always expect you to be there for them.

My work involves leaving home for 3-4 days a week for another town, 100 miles away.

1. This gives you the perfect chance to cheat and you wouldn't be the first man who travels for work to cheat on his wife. Do you tell your "bits on the side :rolleyes:" that you're married first?

2. If you're away from your wife most of the week you're not giving yourselves a chance to connect properly.

Irrelevant wrote: »

Coming home today I cried for about half the trip, alone in my car, thinking, but mostly crying. I have had many short affairs, mostly sexual encounters, but I`ve met intelligent, attractive women, with whom I`ve connected on some level, we had "chemistry". However, always when home I felt the "warmth" of the place, I do love my wife, or do I, anyway.

How can you love your wife if you've been unfaithful to her from the start? Do her a favour. She's still a young woman, 25, and you have no children. Set her free to find somebody who truly loves her and respects her while she still has a good chance of finding such a person.

Ickle Magoo

This thread is for offering advice to the OP - if you have no constructive advice to give bar projecting anger or moralising, kindly refrain from posting.

Emme

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

This thread is for offering advice to the OP - if you have no constructive advice to give bar projecting anger or moralising, kindly refrain from posting.

If you're referring to my post above, I WAS giving advice. Currently the OP sees his wife 3 days out of 7 per week. Clearly his marriage isn't working because he's seeing other women so it might be constructive for him to see more of his wife if he wants to save his marriage or make something of it.

If he can't do this he's better off ending the marriage and giving the girl he married a chance at finding somebody who will be faithful to her.

He should also tell his wife that he has been unfaithful from the start so that she knows exactly the sort of man she married. I'm not moralising but I'd rather the girl didn't continue to go around with blinkers on her eyes.

I am a friend

The thing I find so sad here is that your wife is so young and I expect she doesn’t suspect or know what’s been going on behind her back… I am sure she has her life (with you) planned out and has made a total emotional investment in her dreams.

OP, the thing about it is that you have no idea of the devastation you will cause her when she does find out about your affairs and she will – these things, especially ones ongoing for a while or numerous affairs, in a small country like this ever stay quiet for long… You will absolutely smash her heart into smithereens, you will crush her trust in men and probably make it impossible for her to believe in any relationship again. When you marry someone, you hold their heart in your hand and you are choosing to play god with her heart and her future.

You should do the right thing and own up. If you cant be faithful to her then tell her that and let her make her own decision but you don’t have the right to treat someone this badly. Someone who, by marrying you has put her heart on the line and you are juggling with it.

Ickle Magoo

While cheating is always going to be a subject close to peoples hearts and cause projection, this thread is about advising the OP, for the OP and from the OP's perspective.

Back on topic and Emme, as per the charter, if you wish to argue moderator instruction then take it to PM.

This situation isn't healthy for anyone involved, OP. Come clean to your wife, come clean to your new woman, and give yourself the benefit of some time to think. Take a step back from your life for a moment, imagine the effect your having on the people in your life, put yourself in their shoes, and then finally look at your own path - is it ever going to go somewhere? Seems to me like you're caught in a repeating loop.

You can't wait for these things to change by themselves. Change them. It's your responsibility to make the first step, and allowing the other people in this situation to become informed enough to make their own decisions about it too. You owe your wife the truth, but aswell as that, you can't start to improve your own position until you do so.

missgroovy21

ok...your a typical guy!!! theres a suprise...wants his cake and to eat it 2....
feel sorry for yourself is not the answer-think how your wife would feel knowing the man she married treated her with as little respect as you had??? trying shoving a million daggers through her heart for starters....why did u feel the need to cheat??? to "tap that"....which as a woman i find highly insulting!!!!

you love your wife??? no you dont you feel safe with her......
your bit on the side is just a toy to you...you'll never really love her either

break up with ur wife...its the kindest thing to do...let her find someone that deserves her!!!!

just remember down the line when your lonely in your one bedroomed flat eating noodles from a take out box how good you had it-and you blew it!!!

suicidal thoughts???? thats just selfish.....

Dudess

No he's not a "typical guy", everyone's different - maybe lose the insatiable need to label.

Ickle Magoo

missgroovy21 wrote: »

ok...your a typical guy!!! theres a suprise...wants his cake and to eat it 2....

missgroovy, crass generalisations of genders are not useful, helpful or on-topic and they only serve to flame and annoy. Text speak is also not permitted on this forum.

Please read the forum charter and abide by it.

Many thanks