How do you know if it's 'the one'

katie81

I've been in a long term relationship with a guy for years all thru my 20s. He's great, smart, good-looking, caring, etc. A year or two ago we hit a rough patch, basically because we wanted different things I wanted to settle and have a family and stuff and he wasn't ready. We took a step back from each other but were still seeing each other though just no where near as much. Stopped socializing together and spending time with each others family and stuff. I extended my social group during this time and met loads of new people and got loads of great new friends. One of these new friends I took an instant liking too. We got on like a house on fire and really clicked. It made me feel the way i did when i first met my bf. Now myself and my fella and trying to get back to a solid place and he says he's ready for all the commitment that i wanted but now I feel unsure. I feel comfortable with him, we've loads in common, we love each other but something feels stilted and I don't feel like we click the way that we used too. I'm at the age where I feel like I should be getting married and having kids and I'm scared of making a big mistake and losing a guy I love and regretting it forever but also scared of being with someone when I have these doubts about them being 'the one'. Should it always feel exactly right? Is it normal to have thesedoubts? Our sexlife is good but theres no electricity but surely that always diminishes with time?

HugoDrax

There is no 'one' because if you think about it there are any number of people who we have met along the way that we could have ended up in a relationship with. If in an alternative reality you were living in another part of the world you would never have meet any of the men who have been in your life and you would probably be pondering about whether some other man who in this reality is blissfully unaware that you exist.
The reality is that you have meet a man who appears to fit what you are looking for in men more than most and you have invested much more emotionally with him than any other man.
He is not the 'one' but he might be who you decide to spend the rest of your life with and who could be the father of your children.
Tomorrow you might be walking to shops and meet another man out of the blue who could sweep you off your feet.
Now if you married this guy in a few years your marriage might fall apart or it could be perfect - you will never know for sure.
Just because people get married 'happily ever after' does not exist - relationships have to be cared for like a plant or they will wither and die.
A man married for twenty years with teenage kids will still be attracted to young women half his age but he will remain faithful to his wife.
A middle age woman will be tempted by her son's best friends but will not act on it because she is married to her husband who is now old, bald and fat.

You will never be able to switch off attraction for other people and you will never stop questioning the if's, but's or maybe's.

There is no right or wrong answer but the only thing you have to do is make a choice and that means closing one door behind you for good and choosing a new path. That ultimately is your decision to make and that's the only advice I can give you.

I hope you make the decision which makes you happiest but you will not know unless you make a decision. That decision may well be final and dictate the course of the rest of your life and you don't want to make it lightly.

Moomoo1

if you take the new guy out of the equation (I know that's difficult) then how would you feel about the current guy?

daisy1984

You never know what you have lost till its gone! I quote this because your better of sticking because you'll regret it the long run. And if you decided to end things he will get married to somebody else you will hurt so much and people say you heal, you won't! I know whats it like cause I made the other choice and left, now hes has a kid and getting married. It could have been me.

flowerchild

My view is that there are a number of people that we meet in life that we could/can have a good life with. All of those lives will be very different from each other.

Make a choice and commit to it. That is often more important than the choice we make. And don't have 'bits on the side'. Either you are married or not. Or you are single or not. But whatever you do, do it incredibly well, with a generous spirit.