Ignoring my wonderful ex-girlfriend

LegacyUser

My wonderful girlfriend of several months (less than a year) broke up with me a week ago, by text. She had tried calling twenty minutes previously but I hadn’t answered because I was a little busy and because I was still thinking about a very emotional conversation we had had two days earlier about a problem with our relationship.

The problem with the relationship was that she is from a very conservative foreign culture and didn’t think she could ever introduce me to her family. (You might ask why we got together in the first place: we knew it was unlikely to work out, but couldn’t resist).

In the text she was extremely friendly (as friendly as you can be when you write a text message), and said that she still loved me very much but thought that this was for the best. I wrote back a very short reply, effectively just saying "ok".

So now she has been trying to get my attention every day since, texting or calling. She has said that she doesn’t want to get back together with me; she just wants to talk to me. I have been implementing what I usually do when a relationship ends: “no contact”, i.e. not answering any calls or responding to any texts.

I’m finding it difficult since I still love her to bits and wish more than anything that things could work out between us. However, I know that there is a big problem with her family and I have to respect the decision she made to put an end to the relationship.

What do you all think of having no contact? From my point of view, it helps to block her out and move on. I need to re-focus on my life and get myself into good condition again. I don’t think I could bear to look into her eyes again – she is easily the best girl I ever had. Some people think that it’s cruel to ignore someone who loves you and probably misses you a lot. But maybe it’s better to ignore them to help them to move on too?

I do wonder what it is that she wants to say to me. I would say that she probably feels bad about ending it in the way she did, and wants to apologise for that. And she probably just generally misses talking to me, just like I miss talking to her too. But I want her to experience life without me for a while. She will probably find that things just eventually go back to normal, the way they were before, and she is ok. I do find myself clinging to a false hope that she will some day come back to me, but I am trying not to.

Comments appreciated.

I am a friend

She broke up with you by text! Continue with the no contact as it would seem like it can't work anyway

Eve_Dublin

Sorry to hear what happened OP. I promise it'll get better further down the line.

I think the no contact policy is the best approach having been there myself but I think you need to explain it to her by email. Just set down how you feel and ask her if she really does care, then could she respect your decision. Keep it amicable but final and tell her you won't be responding to any more emails, texts or phone calls but wish her the best of luck for the future etc.

Look after yourself OP.

Taltos

OP we both know that her attempts to re-establish contact are all about making her feel better about herself.
If she really cared either she wouldn't have broken up or she would have immediately realised her mistake and done all in her power to get back together - family be-damned.

Follow your gut here - keep the no contact and do look after yourself.

Kevin Duffy

I think, based on what you describe, that it would be worth one conversation, all cards on the table from you and make sure you get answers from her.
You'll have done someone you care/d about the respect of listening, you never know what the conversation might teach both of you and have you have nothing to lose.

Doesn't sound to me like it could hurt anyone.

Sephiroth_dude

Continue with the not replying,dont give her a chance to feel better about herself.

Moomoo1

I think you are quite justified in continuing no contact, as it's probably the most successful strategy you've got of making her miss you and perhaps getting back with you in spite of her family (although the chances are probably slim whatever you do).

I'd say that you are really hurt by what she did, that you feel that you deserved better and that you won't be able to talk now. If she has something important to tell you, she can always write you a letter and set it out.

fungun

if it was me, id send one text saying why you dont want contact with her if she doesnt already know

daisy1984

Don't contact her at all! Your mad!! Your only going to have a stalker on your hands! Or even worse ya may be in love with the girl! But all its going to be is "Just Friends". You will feel terrible!! Walk Away! And even though in your head you might think replying will solve things! Believe me it wont!! I know!! Ive been there!

flowerchild

No contact is such a terrible approach. Talking with someone, even as you break up or move on, is an important social skill.

Act with grace, is what I say.

coco_lola

@flowerchild

I agree that people should not be petty etc., but would a period of no contact not help getting over the other person? I feel that talking to my ex would make me hopeful we might get back together, or that I would hear they were with someone new and it would put me right back to the start again. After a while when you are over them, yes I would believe in being friends.

Miss Fluff

Do not under any circumstances get in contact. I had my heart broken a few years ago by a guy and he never heard a single solitary peep from me again.His stream of texts to see if I was ok were absolutely meaningless to me and I knew he just wanted to talk to me to make himself feel better/less bad. Stick to your guns OP, forget ' just one last email', she made her decision by TEXT, she doesn't deserve the closure she's looking for!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

This is a really amazing place for genuine advice and I appreciate it a lot.

There are four people who think I should make some sort of contact, even just to let her know why I don't want any more contact, and there are eight who think I should carry on as I am doing.

I got two calls from a blocked number late last night, which I didn't answer. I have some reasons to think that she has blocked her number in the past few days.

Carrying on with no contact seems like a good plan for now. I'm back in the gym and I'm reinventing myself for some new dates. In some weeks or months, if I am no longer emotionally vulnerable to her, I will consider getting back in touch to see how she is doing.

It might be worth mentioning that I didn't speak to my previous ex-girlfriend for an entire six months after she broke up with me. She called and texted me quite a few times, even using blocked and alternative phone numbers to get me to answer (I would hang up as soon as I realised it was her). Her emails progressed from asking if I was ok, to expressing anger that I wouldn't talk to her, to saying that she wanted to be my friend, to saying that she missed me, to eventually saying that she still loved me and could absolutely never forget me, etc. Just a few months later, after I continued to ignore her, she got engaged to some other guy. Women's pyschology - a very curious thing.

daisy1984

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Do not under any circumstances get in contact. I had my heart broken a few years ago by a guy and he never heard a single solitary peep from me again.His stream of texts to see if I was ok were absolutely meaningless to me and I knew he just wanted to talk to me to make himself feel better/less bad. Stick to your guns OP, forget ' just one last email', she made her decision by TEXT, she doesn't deserve the closure she's looking for!!!!!!

Hear! Hear! Just dont do it! You'll regret contacting her back!

daisy1984

Woman are complicated yes but we are not all the same, same position applies to men too. Which I think people forget. The reason I said dont get in touch because there reason why shes your x and there is reason why you leave the past the past because it the way its meant to be. There ment to be your x and there ment to be past. All you do now is enjoy the future

seenitall

Hi OP,

I also disagree with the majority here.

I think that breaking up by text may well have been your ex's over-emotional reaction to your not answering her phonecall. To which then you decided that was that - sounds like you were itching to break up anyway, tbh, otherwise you would have understood that that text was about her trying to get your attention in a dramatic way (since you weren't answering the phone), and you would have talked to her - or you would have answered your phone to begin with.

Anyway, that's all in the past and mostly rhetorical by this point, no doubt... As the two of you don't sound very suited to each other no matter which way you cut it, I'd say keep to your "no contact" thingy - she will be the better for it in the end. But to my mind, the way this played out, though, was completely unnecessary; rash and ill-considered on her part and somewhat cruel on yours.

beks101

seenitall wrote: »

I think that breaking up by text may well have been your ex's over-emotional reaction to your not answering her phonecall.

I agree with this. While highly immature, I don't think your girlfriend really meant it and I assume she expected the reverse reaction - that you'd immediately call her and grovel. But obviously you're a bit more 'ok' with the break-up than her judging on how you accepted it immediately.

There's nothing wrong with that, and the no-contacting thing is usually the way forward after a break-up, but personally if I was in your situation I'd feel like a lot has been left unsaid and after spending months with someone who you claim to love, surely the relationship warrants a dignified ending? She was rash, irrational and immature by ending it by text but to be honest I think it was an overly emotional reaction on her part.

Maybe I'm just a very different person but personally I'd want a final contact with an ex, where we could both say what we need to say, because I think down the line the ridiculous way it ended would cheapen my view of the relationship. But do what you need to do. Best of luck.

spinandscribble

I agree the text was cold but i have a sneeking suspicious like the last two it was a moment of madness as she was upset you did not call her back. You say you sent a simple text back and its possible you both think the other acted coldly.

While at first i thought you were alright to just ignore her I wonder if a simple short email just saying, the breakup by text was the final straw for you and it hurt you and for your own sake you no longer want contact, it might make her see things from your side. No need to give her any more to chew on then that.

At the very least maybe she'll realise there's no excuse to act like that and to step outside her shoes. Or if shes really just a drama lama then you can at least move on knowing you did everything you could to do the decent thing.

Khyra24

beks101 wrote: »

...but personally if I was in your situation I'd feel like a lot has been left unsaid and after spending months with someone who you claim to love, surely the relationship warrants a dignified ending? She was rash, irrational and immature by ending it by text but to be honest I think it was an overly emotional reaction on her part.

Maybe I'm just a very different person but personally I'd want a final contact with an ex, where we could both say what we need to say, because I think down the line the ridiculous way it ended would cheapen my view of the relationship. But do what you need to do. Best of luck.

I completely agree with this. I think closing the lines of communication ridicules the whole relationship. I think a "no contact" is in order if your partner was psychotic and honestly didn't care for you and just wanted to play mind games with you. But if she truly did/does love you and the circumstances in which you guys had to unfortunately break up over are out of your control, then you should talk to each other and agree that it probably isn't in your best interest to stay together and you can both go on living having received that closure instead of dragging on day by day thinking about what your partner wanted/needed to say to you.

I don't think this is about someone making themselves feel better. When you're in love and your partner loves you just as much, you'd want to hear them out regardless of having broken up. It's not like she told you to go screw yourself and never talk to her again. You said that she was very polite about it but it was just her conservative foreign culture that was the issue...and her family. Her family may have put her under a lot of stress and pressured her into breaking up with you and you could have been there to try and understand her perspective instead of ignoring her every time she's tried to contact you. I think that it is not only cruel and traumatizing to the wonderful girl that you are in love with, but it is also belittling that very love you've had for each other and giving her the impression that you never really cared for her or loved her at all. In my opinion though, if you truly loved each other, you wouldn't break up over the conflicting issues...you'd try and compromise because you want to be together...because the hurdles that cross your path that you resolve together only make your relationship and love for each other that much stronger.

I should have learned from this myself. I was under a lot of pressure from my family to break up with my ex. They humiliated me and it was so hard for me to bear and all I needed was the support of my partner at the time to help me through the difficulties but instead I made up another totally different reason to break up with him and I was frustrated at myself and I now regret it. I would've loved to have spoken to him again so that he knew the real reason but he never gave me the time of day. I don't regret breaking up with him because I didn't want to drag him with me down the painful path for our love because I knew it would've been too much for him to handle. I would have done everything for him but I knew he wouldn't do the same for me so I broke up with him and he started a no contact with me. It's been excruciatingly painful and my heart bears a heavy burden knowing that I'll never talk to him again but I'm happy that in the end, he won't be hurt by me anymore and he'll be happier without me. Ideally, I would have loved to have stayed with him and have him support me through the difficult times but he didn't want to hear it. I loved him so much and I still do...forever and always.

I just don't think that things that need to be said should be left unsaid. If you really think she's a wonderful girl and you love her, give her the time of day, please. Even if you two can't be together in the end, at least you will both have talked about it and have come to understand each other's pain and perspective. I don't think silence ever solves anything. It is up to you though OP. Good luck to you.

Moomoo1

I think it's important to differentiate between types of no contact

the 'I want to make you miss me' no contact is ok and even advised

the 'I have a wounded pride and want to hurt you back' no contact is bitchy and a poor way to treat someone you supposedly still love - unless they broke up in some nasty way.

the 'I am hurt and want to heal' no contact is somewhere in between these, but whilst you don't need to socialise and do small talk with your ex, if he/she wants to seriously talk about something to you I don't think you should refuse. That's why I said to tell her to write you a letter.

spinandscribble

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think it's important to differentiate between types of no contact

the 'I want to make you miss me' no contact is ok and even advised

the 'I have a wounded pride and want to hurt you back' no contact is bitchy and a poor way to treat someone you supposedly still love - unless they broke up in some nasty way.

the 'I am hurt and want to heal' no contact is somewhere in between these, but whilst you don't need to socialise and do small talk with your ex, if he/she wants to seriously talk about something to you I don't think you should refuse. That's why I said to tell her to write you a letter.

Really? I find the first version manipulative and not ok at all. Guess different strokes for different folks but I can't see the merit in it but maybe i'm not seeing it from your point of view.

The third version is the only one I consider justifiable.

I hope OP by now you've sorted out things.

Bottle_of_Smoke

No contact is the correct way to go but you have to tell her why.

Explain you love her and just being friends isn't fair. She chose her family over you so you should choose your sanity over her

crazym02

Definitely stick with no contact, you have the right idea there! She ended it, she'll have to put up with consequences!

LegacyUser

Hi, a lot of people gave me good insights here, so I thought I would issue an update.

The calls and text messages continued for a couple of days. She said that she didn't want to get back with me, but asked me to at least answer her calls or meet for a few minutes. She said she wanted to know how I was doing, that she missed me, wanted to clear things up, etc. She said that she wanted to still be able to talk me when she needed to.

The calls and texts reached a crescendo two weeks ago, when she sent me ten text messages in a single day.

There's another factor here which I haven't told you all about: she works quite near me. Therefore, she knows that I could easily arrange to meet her any day of the week. Also, it's not out of the question that we shall bump into each other occasionally.

Anyway, on that day of the ten text messages, the final one was sent after my going-home time, and after I had ignored yet another incoming call from her. She finally stopped being nice and said I was "totally inconsiderate and heartless".

She has not tried to make contact since then, except for a couple of Skype messages last weekend which she said were accidental.

For my part, I've started dating other women. I've also had a couple of quick "rebounds". As far as dating goes it's ok, but I'm trying to take things very slowly since I'm obviously still highly vulnerable about my ex. She is the best I ever had, a pure angel, and at this moment in time I feel it's very unlikely I can find one who makes me as happy as she did. So I am obviously trying to keep things very casual for now with new women I am spending time with.

As for contacting my ex? I'm afraid I don't think I can do this for the foreseeable future; I still love her too much. It would kill me if I met her some day and got caught up in the moment, tried to kiss her, and she turned me down. Regardless of my own actions, it would kill me if she told me that she had become interested in anybody else. And it would kill me to have to be falsely polite and formal with someone who still means so much to me.

From her point of view, she might think that I have moved on. The truth is that I am only unsuccessfully trying to do that at this stage. But since she ended our relationship by text, I think that if she wants me back then she really needs to put that in writing too. If she simply calls me again, or sends me a text or a Skype message asking how I'm doing, it's possible that I will answer her, but it's equally likely that I won't.

I'm sure it's obvious to you all, but I'm extremely sad about all this. I've probably never been so heartbroken, even for relationships which lasted much longer than this one. If there was any way to get her back, I would do that. Since it is most likely impossible, I'm just trying to distract myself and trust that things will eventually get better. If I wait long enough then I think that they eventually will.

Thanks for all your advice, anyway, even if I didn't follow all of it. It's been good to get everything off my chest here.

Fentdog84

It wouldnt do any harm if you met her for a few minutes over a coffee or something and just let her say whatever it is she needs to say. Reading text messages/emails the wrong message may often be brought across. Ok, she wants to break up, but hearing her out face to face, is better IMO. The just wish her well and move on.

Moomoo1

I'd agree with the previous poster

It's been a couple of weeks already, and by this time it won't hurt you to tell her everything you've written in that last post OP. That way she will understand where you are coming from.

Just write her an email and explain why you've been acting like you've been acting.

S23

For the record, OP, I completely disagree with the last two posts. You're still very obviously emotionally raw. 2 weeks is no time at all. You seem to be completely dispondent and I think meeting her would be a terrible backward step.

S23

S23 wrote: »

For the record, OP, I completely disagree with the last two posts. You're still very obviously emotionally raw. 2 weeks is no time at all. You seem to be completely dispondent and I think meeting her would be a terrible backward step.

I have to say I agree with this.

If it's over, it's over, and the best way to deal with the emotional rawness is not to keep getting in touch with someone and to wait until it fades. I read in a book once that for some reason to do with human psychology this takes more or less 2 months, and I s'pose that would tally with my experience of life. If you get in contact, all you're doing is resetting the clock and that period of adjustment has to start all over again.

thecookingapple

She is part of your past, not your future, your in a grieving process now and in my opinion you are doing the correct thing, she after breaking up with you should not be texting you this much and indeed giving out to you for not repying, this not replying is your decision and she should respect this and move on as you are doing, harbouring thoughts of getting back togeather with someone who broke up with you by text is not healthy, take time, learn new things and learn from all this, happiness is around the bend.

Moomoo1

S23 wrote: »

For the record, OP, I completely disagree with the last two posts. You're still very obviously emotionally raw. 2 weeks is no time at all. You seem to be completely dispondent and I think meeting her would be a terrible backward step.

true, but on the other hand ignoring someone who wants to seriously talk to you is very hurtful and selfish

and that is how his actions would be coming across to her at this point

he has no obligation to be her friend, but does, imho, have an obligation to at least explain where he is coming from

Taltos

Moomoo1 wrote: »

true, but on the other hand ignoring someone who wants to seriously talk to you is very hurtful and selfish

and that is how his actions would be coming across to her at this point

Lets summarize.
> She dumped him by text - supposedly because he couldn't answer the phone
> Now pestering him to "stay friends"

I am sorry but the first action clearly precludes the 2nd.
Afraid we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

OP - only you know the best but life is too short for selfish headwreckers IMHO...

Regards
T

LegacyUser

I dont know, it sounds to me like your as bad as each other.
She wasnt right to hound you with calls then dump you by text because you wouldnt answer. You call her in the title your "wonderful ex" yet you cant even send her a simple text of email to say youd rather not stay in contact. Sounds a bit like your enjoying her constantly trying to contact you or else wouldnt you want to nip it in the bud? You also say your "reinventing yourself for new dates" and have already had a few rebounds. I dont think either of you has the moral high ground here, your both playing games.

S23

Moomoo1 wrote: »

true, but on the other hand ignoring someone who wants to seriously talk to you is very hurtful and selfish

and that is how his actions would be coming across to her at this point

he has no obligation to be her friend, but does, imho, have an obligation to at least explain where he is coming from

This seems to be a recurring theme with your advice on here and I really can't get my head around it.

He owes her nothing. They are no longer together. She broke up with him. She ended the realtionship. Beyond that point he should look out only for himself and his own well being.

OP you have absolutely no obligation to her whatsoever. Completely disregard this talk of you being 'hurtful and selfish' because you don't want to pander to your ex GF's constant texts and requests to meet.

It's pretty clear you're in no fit state to handle it.

I'd advise sending her a message telling her you don't want to stay in contact with her anymore and wishing her all the best. Then leave it be. You owe this woman absolutely zero.

Taltos

idle passerby wrote: »

I dont know, it sounds to me like your as bad as each other.
She wasnt right to hound you with calls then dump you by text because you wouldnt answer. You call her in the title your "wonderful ex" yet you cant even send her a simple text of email to say youd rather not stay in contact. Sounds a bit like your enjoying her constantly trying to contact you or else wouldnt you want to nip it in the bud? You also say your "reinventing yourself for new dates" and have already had a few rebounds. I dont think either of you has the moral high ground here, your both playing games.

I know some folk deal with break ups by rushing back out there - but maybe you should take the advice above and just take some time for yourself. Otherwise you are neither being fair to you or to any of these rebounds you are meeting...

LegacyUser

OP, I think you are handling this in a very mature and rational manner. Other posters have indicated that you are being unfair on your ex by blocking contact with her but it's important to remember that YOUR NEEDS come first, NOT HERS!

She might want to chat with you, see how you are getting on etc but this isn't like a normal friendship, this is a girl whom you have strong feelings for and deep down you know yourself that you need time and space to heal. It's good to see you are not making the mistakes that can prolong emotional distress and set you back mentally. The no-contact approach may be the most painful for your ex but it will help her recover quicker in the long-term.

A relationship is not defined by either its start or finish, at least you have some good memories and experience that will help you to build better relationships in the future. You mentioned that she was the best girl you ever knew, maybe so but keep a positive attitude and better girls are only ever around the corner!

Keep your dignity man, best of luck

Moomoo1

Taltos wrote: »

Lets summarize.
> She dumped him by text - supposedly because he couldn't answer the phone
> Now pestering him to "stay friends"

I am sorry but the first action clearly precludes the 2nd.
Afraid we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

OP - only you know the best but life is too short for selfish headwreckers IMHO...

Regards
T

sorry, but few things are more hurtful than someone refusing to talk to you

I don't mean talk in a friends way but in a serious 'let's clear the air and get closure' way.

Moomoo1

S23 wrote: »

He owes her nothing. They are no longer together. She broke up with him. She ended the realtionship. Beyond that point he should look out only for himself and his own well being.

I guess it's the 'only' bit I disagree with

sure, he should look out for himself, but there are certain things that one shouldn't be doing, no matter what the aim

S23

I completely disagree. If looking out for himself, after being dumped by text, effects someone else then it's nothing to do with him.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I guess it's the 'only' bit I disagree with
sure, he should look out for himself, but there are certain things that one shouldn't be doing, no matter what the aim

That is just so ridiculous I find it hard to fathom. There are certain things, within the realms of looking out for himself, that he shouldn't do. Yeah sure. Being vindictive, being aggressive, being abrasive, being spiteful. Sure they all qualify. Obvious attempts at malice for no construcive reason do.

However, withdrawing to, basically, regroup and lick his wounds after being crushed by this woman do not even come close to that type of action on his part.

You seem to expect someone who was (brutally) dumped to in some way look after the emotional needs of the person who dumped them. I don't think that is the case at all.

And I will continue to state that case over and over and over. Because I think what you are posting is dangerous for the OP. He is raw/fragile/vunerable and he could easily believe what you are saying. He might think he needs to go back and pander to his ex.

However, IMO, nothing could be further from the truth. He needs to look out for himself and not the woman who so easily and so shriftly cast him aside.

seenitall

Moomoo, I completely agree with you (something I never ever thought I'd write on these threads! ), but I think you are just wasting breath here; some people see stuff like this as black-or-white only (she broke up with him by text, so obviously she herself is the only one to blame for someone who thinks her "pure angel" :rolleyes: completely ignoring her pleas for closure - I for my part couldn't do that to a dog, let alone a person who means a lot to me, which leads me to think the OP isn't cut up quite as much as he claims to be... ya know what I'm saying?).

I have already given my take on what happened here. The longer the thread goes on, the less sympathy I have with you, OP (there is a general coldness in your posts that comes across reading between the lines, as well as in your actions since the split - let's just say I don't buy the way you are presenting yourself as utterly heartbroken over "the best you've ever had" - at all), and the more sympathy I have with your ex.

If I am right, this whole thing is about some warped power-play, pure and simple: "since she ended our relationship by text, I think that if she wants me back then she really needs to put that in writing too."

I really hope this girl gets her head straight and moves on soon - for her own good. I also strongly suspect you wouldn't like that one little bit.

Maple

Folks,can we please direct all replies going forward to the OP and stop arguing amongst ourselves.

Maple

Khyra24

I think we really should cease with the arguing and understand that everyone has a difference of opinions and respect that. The OP came here for advice and it was his decision in the end which advice he wanted to take. I am sure he appreciates everyone's input.

OP, I am sorry to hear that things did not work out in the end. If I was in your position, I would have listened to what my ex would have wanted to say to me so that we could both come to an understanding and receive closure...but that is just the way I am. You do not have to do the same if you do not believe that would help you in any way.

I know your feelings about your ex-girlfriend are still fresh now and that is why you think you will not find anyone else. That's not true...you will find someone else...and so will she. You will both move on to someone perhaps more compatible and where neither of you will feel the need to break up over such issues you've dealt with here. You will be happy again...it just takes some time. Maybe you should take some time out to heal instead of having rebounds though. It's just a suggestion though...do what feels right for you and be happy. Life is too short to be sad.

Take care of yourself.