Wrote an intro to a short story, what do ye think of it?

paglynn

Its based in galway btw would love some feedback dont be afraid to be critical.:rolleyes:
sound



‘This is Markus Brady of On the West Radio at nine o’clock. Urgent news. A resident from the Cracey Mental Institute is reported escaping approximately fifty minutes. Cracey Institute staff said that it was only found out several minutes ago due to an irregularity in the trip of the patient. One of the members of staff was due to be dropped of near his home but his spouse became concerned and contacted the Institute. Gardai have been informed of the escape.
It is believed the patient escaped to the Spidal/Barna area according to Garda sources. Psychiatric officials have revealed he was being transferred Belmount Phyciatric Hospital in Dublin due to security concerns at the Cracey Hospital. He is also believed to have assaulted three member’s of staff of Cracey in the vehicle transporting him with a concealed blunt implement which is believed to be a hatchet but this is not confirmed.
One of the assaulted psychiatric officials has been reported to have died of his injuries and the others are in a serious condition in Galway University hospital.
Dr. Henry Monroe Head Psychiatric Nurse of the facility also said in a comment recently to On the West radio that the patient, Brian McIrney is a violent schizophrenic and has received none of his medication due to it being found in the vehicle. Psychiatric officials are puzzled at this but believe he simply kept the medication in his mouth and later spat them out at a later time in the car. He is said became violent and delusional when not given prescribed amount of drugs according to Dr. Monroe.
He is wearing a red GAP hoodie and black Nike tracksuit with black leather shoes. He is thought to have stolen them from members of staff in the institute.
Brian McIrney is a large man six foot four inches tall with a medium build. He has green eyes and is missing a canine on the right side of his mouth. He is thirty two years old and has thinning brown hair. He is said to be extremely violent, has had a long history of mental illness and is known to have previously murdered his father before being commited.
Local gardaí in the area have been involved in a intensive search for the fugitive and have asked for people to stay indoors due to the appalling weather conditions and widespread black ice caused by one of the most severe winters in recent decades.
Garda sources have also said that army contingents from Renmore barracks may also be considered if he is not recaptured by tomorrow morning. They also emphasise that he is extremely violent and members of the public that encounter him are to immediately contact the Gardai or emergency services.
Local Independent TD, Noel Grealish has condemned the situation saying,
‘Everyone knows how under funded and overstretched the psychiatric services are in that hospital, and the new Fianna Gael/Labour government propose more cuts? It was an accident waiting to happen and I pray that no harm comes of this and that it serves as a stark reminder to the new Government that vital frontline services cannot be cut in favour of the banks.’
And now we turn over to reporter Stella Brannigan who is interviewing Dr. Eileen Sweeny leading psychologist in Trinity on the effects and dangers when medication is not administered to schizophrenic patients….’

coffee_cake

‘This is Markus Brady of On the West Radio at nine o’clock. Urgent news. A resident from the Cracey Mental Institute is reported escaping approximately fifty minutes ago?. Cracey Institute staff said that it was only found out several minutes ago due to an irregularity in the trip of the patient. One of the members of staff was due to be dropped of near his home but his spouse became concerned and contacted the Institute. Gardai have been informed of the escape.
It is believed the patient escaped to the Spidal/Barna area according to Garda sources. Psychiatric officials have revealed he was being transferred Belmount Phyciatric Hospital in Dublin due to security concerns at the Cracey Hospital. He is also believed to have assaulted three member’s of staff of Cracey in the vehicle transporting him with a concealed blunt implement which is believed to be a hatchet but this is not confirmed.
One of the assaulted psychiatric officials has been reported to have died of his injuries and the others are in a serious condition in Galway University hospital.
Dr. Henry Monroe Head Psychiatric Nurse of the facility also said in a comment recently to On the West radio that the patient, Brian McIrney is a violent schizophrenic and has received none of his medication due to it being found in the vehicle. Psychiatric officials are puzzled at this but believe he simply kept the medication in his mouth and later spat them out at a later time in the car. He is said became violent and delusional when not given prescribed amount of drugs according to Dr. Monroe.
He is wearing a red GAP hoodie and black Nike tracksuit with black leather shoes. He is thought to have stolen them from members of staff in the institute.
Brian McIrney is a large man six foot four inches tall with a medium build. He has green eyes and is missing a canine on the right side of his mouth. He is thirty two years old and has thinning brown hair. He is said to be extremely violent, has had a long history of mental illness and is known to have previously murdered his father before being commited.
Local gardaí in the area have been involved in a intensive search for the fugitive and have asked for people to stay indoors due to the appalling weather conditions and widespread black ice caused by one of the most severe winters in recent decades.
Garda sources have also said that army contingents from Renmore barracks may also be considered if he is not recaptured by tomorrow morning. They also emphasise that he is extremely violent and members of the public that encounter him are to immediately contact the Gardai or emergency services.
Local Independent TD, Noel Grealish has condemned the situation saying,
‘Everyone knows how under funded and overstretched the psychiatric services are in that hospital, and the new Fianna Gael/Labour government propose more cuts? It was an accident waiting to happen and I pray that no harm comes of this and that it serves as a stark reminder to the new Government that vital frontline services cannot be cut in favour of the banks.’
And now we turn over to reporter Stella Brannigan who is interviewing Dr. Eileen Sweeny leading psychologist in Trinity on the effects and dangers when medication is not administered to schizophrenic patients….’

Hi OP
I've put in bold text with grammar issues. I've put in italics text which is completely superfluous (imo).
If you are trying to create suspense at the start of a story with a news report about an escaped crazy person, you need to strip out a good chunk of what you've written. It needs to be a lot shorter. The drama is lost in too much description.
A lot of your text is unrealistic (imo), e.g. the quotes. The gardai telling people "stay in because of the weather" in a news report about an escaped convict is completely out of place, and "he spat out his medication" is also highly unlikely.

I get what you're trying to convey - it's bad weather and a psycho is on the loose - but you need to shorten most of it and mention the weather in another way.

sunflower27

Hi OP

I agree with Bluewolf. Have a listen to breaking news on the radio and you will notice stories are usually very sharp and to-the-point -often because details are somewhat sketchy...

This may be of some help

http://www.thenewsmanual.net/Manuals%20Volume%202/volume2_49.htm

Good luck

paglynn

It seems like a radio broadcast when i run it through my head and the point of the quotes of the Dr. and the Politician is to make it seem like a journalistic broadcast on the radio-which often uses quotes from varying points of view and stuff like that, to get to the point to convince the reader what his reading is real and can happen. Unless you think different and could be improved?
But your right on the sentence on the axe, too cumbersome and wordy.

nanofano

You said Dr. Munroe was head psychiatric nurse but that doesn't make sense if he is a doctor. Also extremely unlikely a patient that unwell with such a significant past history of violence is not in a forensic psychiatric hospital. Also a bit odd that the expert your interviewing in trinity is a psychologist and not a psychiatrist. Psychologists do not prescribe medications, psychiatrists do.. hope that helps.

pickarooney

There's too much detail in the report, especially as this only happened 50 minutes ago. It would not really be feasible for the news to have been relayed to the station and for them to have lined up several interviews in that time. That itself is a minor issue but there are a number of these inconsistencies throughout. Easy enough to fix, that said.

The details of the incident are interesting; I like the description of the patient and the escape. However, the manner in which you impart this information needs to be more subtle, rather than dumping it into this announcement. As said by other posters, the weather bit is out of place but you can very easily segue from the newsflash to the weather forecast.

pickarooney

There's too much detail in the report, especially as this only happened 50 minutes ago. It would not really be feasible for the news to have been relayed to the station and for them to have lined up several interviews in that time. That itself is a minor issue but there are a number of these inconsistencies throughout. Easy enough to fix, that said.

The details of the incident are interesting; I like the description of the patient and the escape. However, the manner in which you impart this information needs to be more subtle, rather than dumping it into this announcement. As said by other posters, the weather bit is out of place but you can very easily segue from the newsflash to the weather forecast.

iguana

I agree with the other posters OP that doesn't read like a news bulletin. Also, a hospital would not release the name and medical condition of a patient, it would be a breach of doctor/patient confidentiality. And unless the man is a convicted murderer a reporter can't say he murdered his father, they would be sued for defamation. If he was convicted of murdering his father he wouldn't be in the type of psychiatric unit you have described. You could say he was convicted of manslaughter and later transferred to the type of unit he was in.

You could have the beginning of an interesting story but you need to spend some time on research. Both on psychiatric care and radio reporting. It can be a total pita but unless you are writing about a subject that you know intimately you have to spend time learning about what you are writing about so that you don't break your reader's suspension of disbelief.

DaaveJoe

Tough as a first time experience it was a great job but you can improve a lot. It was great reading it.:)