Break up - Confused

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Me and my OH of about a year broke up last week. We are both in our mid 20s and were arguing for a few months previous to the break up, mainly due to trying to spend time together (we only got to see each other weekends due to distance and work, trying to juggle everything became too much). It got too much and he asked for a break, which I dont believe in, I feel that always turn into break ups. I broke up with him and immediately regretted it. We left on good terms, and he text me the next day to see how I was, just light chatting.He asked could we keep contact as he wanted to know how I was doing, which I agreed to. I told him the following day that I was regretting the break up, but agreed that we did need space for a few weeks to clear our heads and possibly start fresh. He said he couldnt promise anything and that for now, it was over in his eyes. I told him I needed to cut contact for me, to get over him, and he said that was fine to get in touch when I was ready.

I was spending time with a mutual friend when he was messaging him,asking him how I was, and then he messaged me asking how I was, and I replied not wanting to be rude. Our friend says he has been very quiet since the break up and quite down, and he keeps asking about me.

In my eyes its over, and I do need a bit of space, but I cant help but feel like I let it go too early. I miss him like crazy, I always see things that remind me of him, Im not hurting bad, but I just miss him alot. Id love to be with him again but not in the relationship we had close to the break up, the one we had about 3 months before the break up.

Can anyone advise on what I should do here? Does it seem like there might be hope? I should mention that I would be transferring to an area closer to him in the next month or so with work, so it may make a difference.

LegacyUser

anyone?

I am a friend

Why do you want to get back with him? You dumped him.

LegacyUser

I broke up with him because I don't believe in breaks that they don't work. I am now regretting it and I miss him. I'd like for us to come back and talk about it but it doesn't seem to be an option. I had to remove him as a friend on facebook because it was just too hard.

Forever Hopeful

OP, I think you need to let this relationship go. You both need to be on your own for a while to figure out whether or not you don't want to be together. You broke up with him because he wanted a break, not because you wanted to end the relationship which is why you are regretting it. We all do things in haste in reaction to someone to take control.
If you hadn't done this, you'd still be on a break from your bf. This way you've taken control and ended it. Which is a good thing!
If you really want to get back with him then you need to stay away from him and let him miss you. Whatever the issues were that prompted him to want a break need to be resolved. If you are responsible for that, work on it. You must take your focus away from him and the relationship.
If you're moving near him, don't seek him out. This is a critical time where your behaviour could kill any reconciliation.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply. I am in No Contact at the moment and told him I need to do this to move on. He is offering for me to stay in the spare room at his place while I get settled in my new job but I declined. The problem was mainly the distance, we could only see each other weekends and were almost annoyed that we had to give up a lot of the things we would have liked to do with friends/family on weekends to see each other. We argued a lot over this. I also have mild depression which didn't help (mood swings etc) which I was getting help for during the relationship (medication and counselling).

Forever Hopeful

OP, can I ask are you moving jobs in an effort to solve the distance issue? You were still together when you got the offer I assume. How often will you potentially see him? You are doing all the right things by not accepting the offer of the room and not being in contact.
How you react when you see him and how you behave from now on could potentially make or break any reunion. Don't be sad, desperate, stalkerish (I'm not saying you will be just saying). When you do bump into him, look your best, have a big smile, don't discuss the breakup, don't discuss you as a couple (I know this will feel weird but its the best way). Give him and yourself space and overtime you can start being friends if that is what you want and then see what happens. Best of luck...

LegacyUser

Thanks for asking, its probably the first question I would have asked too. I relocated because the job was an opportunity of a lifetime, in my career direction, the company only operates in his area. It made the decision easier that he was there too as I know no one in the area so having him made it easier. I interviewed when we were together but got the job offer after we split, and I was determined to take it even though we split because I didn't want him to be the deciding factor in my career. If I really don't want to see him, I never have to, we have one mutual friend who he lives with, but I wouldn't need to go to the house to see them. The only time I would see him is if we organised it.

shellyboo

Ok, the reaction to "let's take a break" is NOT "I don't believe in them, you're dumped". Neither of you actually wanted to break up, and now because of some random principle you have, you've dumped him.

Go back, tell him you made a mistake and want to try again -- but that going on a break isn't going to help matters. Work means communication and figuring things out, not ignoring eachother!

cafecolour

Well, he is the one that wanted the break initially - do you know why? If he has other reasons than distance, it might just lead to another break up down the road.

If the main problem was distance, then yes, I'd say give it another go when you move nearby. I'd avoid trying to start before then though - you'll be busy with the move and then busy starting a new job. So I'd suggest that you agree to hang a out and have a few casual dates (not getting too intense) when you have settled in, and see how things progress.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies so far. We had spent months talking and talking and nothing was changing, due to distance and my depression, which I am working on. I did go back to him and say I made a mistake and that maybe when I moved up we could meet up and talk about it and try again, but he said that he didn't know how he felt about it and that he couldnt promise anything. He did try to keep the lines of communication open and text me a few times but I told him I found it too hard, and told him I had to remove him on facebook and cut contact, which he was very good about and said to get back in touch when I was ready and that hopefully I'd be ok with him in time, I told him there were no hard feelings (it was one of the best break ups ive had actually, very easy!) but if I was to get over him I needed space. Im on day 2 of no contact now, he was genuinely shocked when he found out I got the job and did offer for me to stay in the spare room at his, but I declined. I think that the best thing to do is to get on with my life, and when I get to Dublin and settle in, maybe just go for lunch/coffee and see where things go. I might even find that I don't want to be with him after that much space or we can at least be friends, because we get on like a house on fire Anyone any other suggestions? I know that people should keep the lines of communication open if they want to get back together, but I think that if he wants space, he won't know how he really feels about the relationship or what his life would be like without me if I don't cut myself out of his life completely for a while.

Forever Hopeful

OP, it sounds like he wants to be on his own for a while and the relationship was too difficult for him (and you).
I know depression is difficult and it can put a strain on relationships. It is quite clear you do want him back and he knows this so you need to work on being the best version of yourself. Build a life for yourself outside of him and keep contact minimal. I'll probably be shot for saying this but the only way you guys will get back together is when he knows you don't need him and have moved on. Ever notice that? Its quite possible you could end up not wanting him either. Give yourself a few months to get settled, as hard as it is, before contacting him. He'll notice but don't give in.
Again this is just my view, but I'm a lot older than you and I've made some very stupid mistakes in the past and learned the hard way.

LegacyUser

thanks ForeverHopeful. I'm actually hoping I'll just get over him and not want to be with him, if I'm being honest. I love him with all my heart and don't want to torture myself for months on end like I did with my other ex two years ago. Its just harder as I have recently lost a lot of my friends due to one of them spreading rumours about me and they all took that persons side. I have very few people to turn to, but hopefully the new job and move will keep me occupied.