Body issues, 40, and still single..

LegacyUser

I am female and just turned 40. I have gotten myself into a rut of going out socially with my married friends, just to get out. I really want to meet someone and settle down but enjoy the 'comfort' of going out with couples as it takes the pressure off me feeling like I should meet a man when I'm out.
so the real issue is I hate my body. I am 5ft 7 and size 18 and I can hardly believe I've just written that down as I even cut the tags off my own clothes to hide the size I wear. I am what would be called 'curvy' I suppose - I was never slim, - but I was never this size either. I have a horrible body - I'm not even the type of woman who has nice slim legs and can wear leggings with lose tops...my weight is spread evenly all over me, from my double chin right to my ankles and I hate it.
I eat quite well/healthy and wouldn't thank you for crisps/chocolate, but I know I also eat too much (big dinners etc). And I excercise, but obvioulsy not enough. I have been to counselling recently, about old family issues and while it has helped me enormously with my self-esteem, I'm still left with this horrible body that I don't want any other human being to ever see. Due to the weight gain, I also have alot of stretch marks and can't see how any man in his right mind will ever want to go out with me, never mind see me naked.

How do I get past these feelings of hatred towards my body - I had thought the counselling would help and while it's really improved my opinion of myself, it hasn't improved my opinion of my physical self. and before anyone says 'lose the weight' I am trying, I really am...but when there's only myself who sees me iin the mirror, I falter, and think 'what's the point, sure nobody else has to look at this awful body'.

I don't want to be single forever and i know that on the inside I'm lovable...but even though I've tried internet dating, I've never met anyone because I don't want anyone to see my weight...and yet, I would like a relationship...any ideas please???

ongarboy

Hi there. i'm not sure what advice I can give really but if you are saying you hate your physical self which possibly also comes across in your overall self esteem (physical and mental) and the vibes you give off, how can you expect anyone else to also like it/you?

There are plenty of larger women and men who are at ease and happy with their body weight (or if not happy with their actual weight/figure, happy enough with their overall selves and sense of worth) and are in very happy relationships. I'm not saying don't do anything about your weight as living, eating and exercising healthily is as important for you both physically and mentally. If you could just try to change your attitude about your appearance and not be so hard on yourself, you may well lessen the negativity you feel about your body.

I think you already know or researched the obvious tips about losing weight so I won't bring them up here but would suggest you go to formal weight watcher type classes (apart from the health benefits, you also meet similar shaped people who are trying to achieve the same as you but you'll also get different insights and hear different attitudes to your own that may help you look at things differently and in a less self critical manner. It is also a social outlet).

You have already made great inroads into improving your self esteem by addressing earlier family issues so you already know self esteem is something that can be changed/improved. Keep at it. You can focus on getting a relationship after you have addressed your self esteem towards your body. Happy people with good self esteem are sexy, attractive people!

Firetrap

Poor you

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to hatch a cunning plan to lose weight. It will do your health a world of good too, you'll find it easier to buy nice clothes when you shed the pounds and you'll feel much happier in yourself. And if you're happier in yourself and not carrying as much weight, you'll be more attractive to the opposite sex.

I'm not going to tell you how to lose weight as you know exactly how it's done. Some people find it easy to stop at one biscuit, to not eat junk food and think nothing of going on a five mile walk. Unfortunately, you're not one of them and I think you need a bit of help from others.

Have you ever thought about joining a weight loss class like Weightwatchers or Unislim? You can make excuses to yourself and others if you tuck into bags of crisps and chocolates but the scales don't lie. The prospect of standing up on a scales each week might stop you from reaching for those bags of crisps and bars of chocolate.

Another thing that would help is if you joined a gym or did exercise classes. At least if you do something that's indoors you can't make excuses for yourself if it's raining outside. Plus, the exercise will speed up your metabolism and make your body more forgiving if you do break out and eat the wrong thing. They told me in the gym that I joined recently that if someone doesn't come along for a while, that they ring you up to check if everything is alright. Perhaps something like that might be as good a motivating factor as any?

Maybe too, you could ask some of your friends to help you out if they have spare time. Go walking with you or come along to some sort of exercise class?

Best of luck - I hope you meet someone and feel better about yourself.

Sleepy

Walking alone will never get you the body you want. Head over to the fitness forum and take a look at some of the advice about proper weight training.

Disregard anything you've ever read in a magasine. The utter horse****e they pump out as "weight loss" advice should be illegal: there are only two elements ever required to get into shape: eat less, move more. Starving yourself, eating nothing but beetroot, wrapping yourself in cellophane, taking pills or "being lucky to have a high metabolism" will never, ever, ever work. Every model, actress or celebrity you see in magazines or on television works out, lifting heavy weights regularly and mixing that up with cardio. They also usually have the benefit of photo-shop to make their lines look nicer, skin clearer etc.

There are some great people over on the Fitness forum and you'll often find that the fittest looking person in your gym was once heavily overweight themselves. 99% of people interested in fitness won't give a **** what weight you are, how heavy a weight you can lift or how far you can run. Respect in a gym is earned by the level of effort you put in (or the size of the sweat stain on the back of your t-shirt). And the other 1%? They're just assholes, they're everywhere unfortunately.

Micky 32

I'll throw a spanner in the works, i'm 40 and slim and i'm single :mad:

Eve_Dublin

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, I lost loads of weight walking, OP

I'd imagine it's definitely a good start and I can imagine jumping straight into the gym could be a total turn-off. Build up to that eventually maybe.

LegacyUser

I know doing weights is touted as the best way of losing weight, but honestly some people would prefer to chop their own leg off than spend time at the gym. i'm one of those people.

If walking suits the OP let her walk, or do Weight watchers or even do weights. She'll need to find whatever suits herself or she wont keep it up.

Ironically I'll probably have to join a gym or I will end up chopping a leg off. long story, old injury (am not overweight)

Forever Hopeful

Walking is fantastic exercise. If you have an ipod, load up some audio books/new music and you won't notice the time going. Set yourself weekly targets and reward yourself with a nice pair of earrings or make up if you can afford it.
I had a lot of weight to lose two years ago and that's what I did. It worked. You'll notice a difference after a month.
The light headed feeling you get after a long walk becomes addictive. Natural high!
Over time you can add light weights as you walk and that gives more impact to your walk.
I found that once I replaced eating with exercise, I ate less. We're behind you OP! Good luck!

LegacyUser

so you all think that weight is my main issue? yes, i know it gets me down and I know it hinders me from many things I should do, but I was hoping there might be some 'love yourself the way your are' type answers - that's where I want to be in life, loving myself, weight an all!

Sleepy

To be fair, it's not a bad starting off activity as it'll help get you used to exercise.

No amount of walking in the world will ever get you toned, however, nor will it ever burn off fat at anything like the rate of a good weights program will. I have to admit, I find it quite strange that so many women will try ludicrous things to "lose weight" when three proper 45 minute workouts a week combined with a healthy diet would get them to their ideal body shape inside a year or two. You hear the "I'm afraid of getting too muscley-looking" line but given the natural level of testosterone in a woman's body you'd need to be lifting morning, noon and night for that to become a problem (or ingesting a lot of steroids/testosterone).

I'm not saying this as some gym bunny either, OP. I'm currently the mortified owner of a huge feckin' beer gut. I've never been in ideal shape but I wasn't far off it (by my standards) after about 6 months of going to the gym regularly. Life's gotten in the way since but I'll be back one of these days and using the advice I learned from the Fitness forum here, I'd expect to have the gut gone inside a year.

Forever Hopeful

Sleepy wrote: »

To be fair, it's not a bad starting off activity as it'll help get you used to exercise but no amount of walking in the world will ever get you toned.

Its all about starting small. The toning bit can come later so let's be encouraging for the OP.

IrishEyes19

Hiya, OP,

the best way to lose weight is to focus on a routine and keep it.
I played a lot of sport and the way I kept fit was go to the gym certain nights of the week, and although the first days are hard, once you build up a routine, you actually look forward to it and feel great afterwards, both emotionally and physically. compliment this by walking places.

foodwise, just need to cut down portion sizes, replace high carb foods with low carb foods but dont cut out carbs, just regulate the amount of them you eat.
eat meals at a regular time. stock up on veg and fruits if your hungry.

theres no quick fix to losing weight, but the great thing is, if you do it right, you can do it, its a sure thing.

PK2008

unregistered wrote: »

so you all think that weight is my main issue? yes, i know it gets me down and I know it hinders me from many things I should do, but I was hoping there might be some 'love yourself the way your are' type answers - that's where I want to be in life, loving myself, weight an all!

You're an adult so I wont sugar coat this- your problem is not your weight, your problem is that you dont want to take responsibility for your life and happiness. Blaming old family issues, your weight or anything else for you unhappiness is pointless and childish- be an adult, take control of your feelings and your life.

Stop eating unhealthily, go to the gym, get fit, get a hobby you enjoy, do something new and brave, ask a guy on a date, put the past behind you and start living life.

Life is not a rehearsal and no amount of valid reasons for being unhappy will get you a another shot at it.

solerina

Hi OP
Definately the best way to begin is to start small, go for walks and gradually build up the length of time you walk for. Start small maybe go away from home for 10-5 mins and then walk back again, gradually increase the distance and the pace. Another useful resource is www.myfitnesspal.com its free to join and it counts your daily calories ( a bit like online weight watchers) and its easy to follow and it works....Goo Luck

IrishEyes19

unregistered wrote: »

so you all think that weight is my main issue? yes, i know it gets me down and I know it hinders me from many things I should do, but I was hoping there might be some 'love yourself the way your are' type answers - that's where I want to be in life, loving myself, weight an all!

your first post stated you hated your body, and that the real issue was your body, so people here have given geniune and real advice on how to lose weight healthily and properly.

indeed love yourself, its essential to your well being mentally, because no one here can give you that, but your post has mainly concentrated on how you hide the tags of clothes sizes and such.

but if you want to look better, there is a way to do it, lose the weight, go to an expert weight loss clinic, every town city has them, but dont expect a few kind words here telling you to love yourself for being over-weight to work. Not being cruel here, just truthful, because you dont love yourself, and you probably wont until you feel youve reached a healthy goal. because most llikely after theres tons of sympathy and kind words said to you here, you'll wake up tomorrow and feel just as bad.

for your own happiness, start losing the weight tomorrow if you want to. I can guarantee you'll feel better after the first week.

Firetrap

unregistered wrote: »

so you all think that weight is my main issue? yes, i know it gets me down and I know it hinders me from many things I should do, but I was hoping there might be some 'love yourself the way your are' type answers - that's where I want to be in life, loving myself, weight an all!

Yes it is. I've been your size and although I wasn't happy about it, I was never driven to cut the labels off my clothes. I can also tell you that when I shed 3 stone, I felt healthier, more energetic, could buy nicer clothes and got far more male attention.

You've two choices here. You can either say you're happy with being size 18, stop cutting off the labels on your clothes and accept that's that's the way you are, double chin and all.

Or, you can do something about it. It's not rocket science. Reduce your portion sizes, exercise more and take on board all the advice people have taken the time out to give you.

Sleepy

unregistered wrote: »

so you all think that weight is my main issue? yes, i know it gets me down and I know it hinders me from many things I should do, but I was hoping there might be some 'love yourself the way your are' type answers - that's where I want to be in life, loving myself, weight an all!

TBH, loving oneself isn't such a great way to be... it's what most of us call narcism. Being comfortable with yourself, great.

Fat isn't attractive to the vast majority of people: in ourselves or in others. I've generally found those fat people that claim "I love myself just the way I am" to be the types to say it so frequently that it's very clear they don't mean it: it's a defence mechanism they're failing to hide their shame.

The bad news is there's no magic pill you can take to make you slim, healthy or happy. The good news is there's a natural way of getting yourself healthier, slimmer and no doubt happier with yourself and your life. Exercise releases the brain's own happy pill: endorphins. Taking control of your own physique and moulding it to your will gives you an enormous sense of self accomplishment too.

Actually, OP, thank you for posting this thread. I think I've talked myself into getting fit again.

LegacyUser

I would love to be a size 18 this would mean I am about 5 stone thinner than I am now.
I would be back to the weight I was in my early 20's when I had guys chatting me up even only for sex. I know how you feel but you have need to make some new friends who are not married by getting involved with some groups or organisations. Tell your friends that you want to meet a someone single and they may introduce you someone.

In life you can moan and do nothing about changing things or you can say I want to lose weight and join weight watchers and make changes.
I went to weight watches and lost 2 stone a few years ago and I noticed I looked and felt better than I do now. I am going back to weight watchers.

HugoDrax

Hi OP your problem is your self-loathing.

Do you go around with a sad face all the time? No guy is going to approach a person who is feeling down and when he sees it on your face - if you are right and you really do look so hideous - then he is not going to give the rest of your body a chance either.

Look around you - you will see good looking guys going out with fat girls, you will see good looking women going with fat short baldy men.

Often guys get attracted to a good looking girl and then find out she is a selfish cow. Often a girl will get attracted to a guy with big shoulders and arms, six pack and tight bum but discover he can't mend a plug or a fusebox or is a mammy's boy. A good looking woman might meet a guy with a double chin, porkchop side burns, hairy shoulders and beer belly who charms her into bed.

So forget all those silly Hollywood stereotypes or all that nonsense you read in magazines about looking slim and all that guff.

Start thinking that you look fine, dress how you like, relax and start imagining you are sexy because you probably are.

Make yourself approachable by being a nice person, being laid back and enjoying life.

LegacyUser

OP can I just first say that in your post you come across as a lovely, sensitive and very articulate person! I really feel for you, your post struck a chord.
I think there are a few issues you're having but I also think they're almost like a vicious circle if that makes sense? You hate yourself so eat more. You eat more and so you hate yourself. The cycle has to stop somewhere.

Can I tell you what I did when I came up against these issues? I went walking (totally agree with the others when they say this is a great way to lose weight). Put your music on and choose a destination and just walk. I lost LOADS of weight this way and it didn't even feel like exercise! I second that it's addictive too. I sometimes arrange things around my walk because I feel antsy if I don't walk for a few days! Also, definitely clears your head and you feel great after.

As regards the issues inside - hope I don't sound all hippyish here! - but a wonderful book I came across was 'You can heal your life' by Louise L Hay. Fabulous book!! The idea behind it is very simple - you need to love yourself before anyone can love you and she gives practical tips on how to do this. It's hard at first but it really works. It's not for everyone of course but changed my life, no joke. After reading it I could see what she meant too - if you meet someone and they don't like themselves then you naturally think well why should I like them, they obviously know something that I don't?!

Anyway, I'll stop it now. I wish you the best of luck xxxx

LegacyUser

Micky 32 wrote: »

I'll throw a spanner in the works, i'm 40 and slim and i'm single :mad:

This is actually a very good point. It's tough out there for everyone. Don't give yourself the added disadvantage of weight, because there is lots of slim competition. Walk an hour a day. Go to Weightwatchers. Just do it.

Dudess

What bits of you do you like, OP? Accentuate those and you'll get an immediate boost: e.g. nice eyes - eye make-up; nice hair - a style that showcases it; even nice hands/wrists look sexy with the right jewellery, etc. If you're curvy you'll likely have a nice ass and boobs - wear something that outlines your curves flatteringly.
I agree with others there isn't really anything that can be said about loving yourself which will make much difference - as you've said yourself, counselling helped a lot, but you still feel crap about your body. That's not to say you should feel disgust towards yourself, but getting in shape and the sense of achievement it brings is, I think, the best thing of all in your case. And no, not saying you have to get skinny. Plus, the weight being spread evenly is actually a positive thing - and quite rare. Most women are either pear or apple-shaped. And even slim women get stretch-marks - give your skin a good exfoliation every so often and moisturise yourself all over. Soft skin feels so good, and the improved condition will help combat things like stretch-marks. Re the guy thing though: while it's good for your self esteem and for your sense of attractiveness to do what you can to stay in reasonable shape, the vast majority of men with any bit of life experience won't expect a perfect body (no such thing as a completely flawless body anyway) - would you expect a man to have a perfect body? And men can feel self conscious when they get naked with a woman too - it's not just a female thing.

Walking does help lose weight but try doing as much as possible uphill in order to really get the blood pumping and a sweat breaking. I'd definitely recommend the gym too, or exercise classes involving weights if you find the gym too boring. This will help sculpt the body - I know it's boring, but no pain no gain. You feel great after a workout - even just a small one. You don't have to "kill" yourself at the start.
Reduce your portions - you don't need to keep eating until you're full. Avoid bread and pasta as much as possible - these are touted as being healthy foods: they're not really. A small helping of them now and again (and the brown, not the white) is fine, but a lot is not good for you. They're pure stodge.
And drink gallons of water - this helps with weight loss. I don't know how, but it does.
Getting enough sleep is important for weight loss too. Get your seven/eight hours as often as you can.

The good weather has just started - now is a perfect time to kick things up a gear. Ok, Irish weather is generally crap, but between now and October it will be fairly mild, the majority of that with very long, bright evenings (it is SO much more difficult in the winter). That's six months - you could make an amazing difference in six months. I bet you could get to a size 14, or even a 12 (not that a 14 wouldn't be brilliant). Go on - you can do it! Be positive - this is something you really can do, you have a huge amount of power where this is concerned, so harness it!