Don't Want Partners

LegacyUser

I have a small group of friends (five of us). We've been friends for about 10 years now. Up until a few years ago we saw each other regularly but partners and babies came on the scene, people moved home, etc. so we see each other rarely now, about twice a year. But we do make the effort to get together when we can, as a group when possible.

So I'm celebrating my 30th birthday and wanted to use it as an excuse (not that one is needed) to get us all together and have dinner. The thing is, I'd prefer if partners weren't invited.

They're not normally included but one person wants to bring his partner and was quite upset when he found out (accidentally) that I wasn't keen on including the partners.

The irony is that of all the partners (one is just horrible, one doesn't even speak English!), HIS partner is the one that I'd be fine with having there. I've told him so but he still seems miffed and I think he's told all this to his partner so now I'm worried that when we get together there'll be a stupid row or something.

I'll be talking to him today to clear the air but I wondered if I'm being unreasonable to want to exclude the partners ... or rather, to want to just celebrate my birthday with my friends?

Eve_Dublin

Hi OP. I see where you're coming from. I'm single myself so perhaps that has a lot to do with it (are you single yourself by any chance?). Luckily for me though, I like all my friend's partners and I'd want them to come along as they're lots of fun, the more the merrier but that's just me. It sounds as if you're only keen on one of them and the rest you've no time for.

I know in the past there was one or two boyfriends that none of myself and my close friends were keen on and I think my friend knew this. One in particular made no effort to talk to any of us even when we did and eh was hard work. My friend had to babysit him at any social occasion and couldn't completely relax. Perhaps that's how you feel it'll be with these guys?

In fairness, I think you're entitled to do what you want for the big THREE-OH and unless you're friends with your friends' partners, I don't see why they should get offended. I'd understand if my hypothetical boyfriend was going to a birthday party for a lad's night out. The fact that he's getting grouchy is a little childish and unreasonable, particularly as no other partner is invited. (Bitter, single part coming up.... )...just because you're in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean you have to do everything together. A bit of independence is healthy for any relationship. Label your party something like, "Girl's night out" or something to show them all that this is your wish and not because you have some vendetta against your friend's friends (even if you do )

Happy birthday by the way!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Happy birthday by the way!

THANK YOU

The dynamics of the group is 4 women and 1 gay man and he's the one who wants to bring his partner.

It's been very much billed as a "girls night out" and (without wanting to sound patronising) he's clearly considered to be "one of the girls".

His partner is really nice and it won't bother me that (if!) he's there, but I think they're still p'ssed off with me for even having such a notion.

To be honest, even if I did have more time for the partners in question, I personally don't see the problem with a "just us" night out, which is why I'm wondering if this is unreasonable. I have a partner and HE'S not invited!

I'm sure it'll be fine, thanks for the feedback!

Eve_Dublin

FriendsOnly wrote: »

I have a partner and HE'S not invited!

Ah well then...no one can accuse you of being a bitter singleton then! In this situation, please yourself. It's your birthday. They'll all get over it soon enough.

IrishEyes19

I agree with you there, OP, I'm a bit younger but fed up that when you have a night out with your friends, the bf's/gf's come along. In relationships Ive always followed the policy that partners are welcome at events, but sometimes its nice to go out with your own friends and catch up. Ive always been of the opinion that there are things you talk about with your friends and things you talk about with your partner, its nice to have those nights out with friends without having your OH there all the time.

Mighty_Mouse

You don't get exclusivity to your mates. Their partner is the most important person in their life. Always invite partners or at least leave the decision open to your friends. If they choose to bring partners then so be it.
Be very very careful with this issue as you could lose friendships quickly.

Personally I would ignore it for the night. Maybe quitely excuse yourself somehow to your mate in a private conversation." crossed wires, misunderstanding" type excuse.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

You don't get exclusivity to your mates. Their partner is the most important person in their life. Always invite partners or at least leave the decision open to your friends. If they choose to bring partners then so be it.
Be very very careful with this issue as you could lose friendships quickly.
.

Very very true take heed of this OP especially the 1st and last sentence of above.

That said if you phrase it correctly as a "girly night" to the 4/5 others, no partner would really be too bothered going. Saying a night out and no partners is going to get annoy people, the former phrase ("girly night") will have most lads actively avoiding the night out like a kick to the xxxx

IrishEyes19

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

You don't get exclusivity to your mates. Their partner is the most important person in their life. Always invite partners or at least leave the decision open to your friends. If they choose to bring partners then so be it.
Be very very careful with this issue as you could lose friendships quickly.

Personally I would ignore it for the night. Maybe quitely excuse yourself somehow to your mate in a private conversation." crossed wires, misunderstanding" type excuse.

I would say the same in reverse if a good friend continuously showed up with their partner to events. Its become very common now that once a friend gets into a relationship, they drop all else including their best friends who have been there fore years.

Personally I wouldnt go out on a limb for that friend anymore, since they act the same. you should be able to balance your friends and partners, thats what life is actually about. Ive seen it time and again, the relationship ends and that person is friendless having isolated everyone. its very awkward at times having a night out with their partners included and you cant even be sure if you can talk about funny stories from the past, including past relationships or mad nights out when you were younger.

@OP, its your birthday and you should do as you wish. I dont think its much to ask to have only your friends over for a nice night out.