Me ,myself and the other woman!

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Unregistered!!

Basically, Im single for about 3 months. Which i am fine with! My ex was only with me about 7 weeks and he was seeing other girls behind my back.
Basically, he was a scumbag and his actions and atitude afterwards. So well rid.
But I have a problem. He was always constantly texting a girl who I never spoke to but knew her to see in my town. And i concluded they were seeing eachother behind my back. Which turned out to be true.

Anyway, she lives near me and works across from my work and often pops in for food. Shes been in my work three times since my break up and everytime she does, i have a internal meltdown with nerves! Now i am a confident person, and they were in the wrong so why am i getting nervous about her? And in fairness im so over him, and to be honest, im sure this girl wasnt the only one he was cheating with. And plus, i dont know if theyre together and really dont care. Its my nerves and why i get like that is worrying me!

Ive served her 4 times and everytime, i burn up in my face, get cold sweats and my body trembles. Now frankly this is pathetic ! And she must think im a basket case and the aul "jesus no wonder he cheated." .

Im so embarssed. I deal with people who scream the shop down or intimidating people and can handle myself. This girl, who i might add is younger and i have never had a conversation with in my life , makes me crumble. And its not like shes intimidating, she seems to have low eestem, always looking down and mumbling.

And plus, she knows who i am ,which makes it all worse,as the first time, (while i was still with my ex, about 3weeks at this stage, all happy and had no idea about her)
she stared at my badge for ages and couldnt stop watching me and my movements. And i,like any other person i served, would of chatted to and often was all smiles. So id say she now knows, from then and now, i definately know about her.

Anyway after i served her, she stuck in my head, cause i wondered whats with all the stares! Literally that night, i spotted her basically facebook raping his statuses, wondered who it was, clicked it, saw her pictures and was like "thats that girl"

After a while... put all the pieces together along with his constant texts from her (he was kinda dumb, pulled the phone out infront of me when we'd cuddle and he'd hold it up to our faces only to get all flustered....dope hah) .
..and the fact she posted a thread a week after our break up all about (his full name) and how theyd been seeing eachother since (such a month) and i was like....his relationship status was in a relationship with (my name)...now either she was BLIND and dumb or very spiteful? I mean, what kinda girl does something like that? Very nasty carry on.....

But look, im over that now. Just tell me how the hell i can stop being nervy? Im super confident all the time and when she comes into the picture, I die? And plus, there is nothing to die about, i mean, shes a stranger to me??

Literally, i was asked by my co-worker after they left "why are you shaking ? are you ok?" ..so yeah its visible and very embarssing. And i dont want to let her know she got the upper hand. I want the fact im so over this to show. And it does to everyone else but this one girl!!!

However, i havent seen the ex since january so if im like this around her, ill prob go into cardiac arrest around him!

My mam sat me down and said this should not be affecting me like this 3months on. She reckons it was cause he was a manipulator that has made me question myself.... I mean after what happened, shouldnt she be the one trembling at the sight of me?

I just need some much needed advice. Im so past this but its not showing it externally and yeah its affecting my work...

Its pathetic and i need help from ye? Thanking you all!

LegacyUser

Its not uncommon to have a strong reaction to being reminded of something that was a big deal in the past, even though those emotions themselves have passed. it sounds like thats whats happening to you now, and its not surprising, When she comes into your workplace and you have to serve her, you cant just walk away. Your forced to interact with her. I know that would piss me off!

It sounds like your over this guy, good for you. Id be wondering why this girl keeps coming into your workplace when she knows who you are. From what youve said about what she posted on facebook, she sounds a bit immature and attention seeking. Ignore her if you can. It will stop affecting you in time.

beks101

Stop serving her. Seriously. I'm sort of shocked she has the audacity to come into your place of work again and again despite it being clear as night and day that you know exactly who she is. It really speaks volumes about the kind of person she is, selfish, self-entitled, shameless and utterly unremorseful about her behaviour.

You're the bigger person here and to be honest I admire the fact that you haven't said or implied anything to her the several times you've served her. She doesn't deserve your respect and she certainly doesn't warrant the nerves and anxiety she provokes in you. The next time she comes in, take a bathroom break or make it your business to serve someone else or ask one of your colleagues to take care of her. You don't need to tell them why but you certainly don't need to be taking this girl's custom, what an absolute insult after what went on behind your back.

Moomoo1

beks101 wrote: »

Stop serving her. Seriously. I'm sort of shocked she has the audacity to come into your place of work again and again despite it being clear as night and day that you know exactly who she is. It really speaks volumes about the kind of person she is, selfish, self-entitled, shameless and utterly unremorseful about her behaviour.

You're the bigger person here and to be honest I admire the fact that you haven't said or implied anything to her the several times you've served her. She doesn't deserve your respect and she certainly doesn't warrant the nerves and anxiety she provokes in you. The next time she comes in, take a bathroom break or make it your business to serve someone else or ask one of your colleagues to take care of her. You don't need to tell them why but you certainly don't need to be taking this girl's custom, what an absolute insult after what went on behind your back.

she'll get sacked...

LegacyUser

OP, you're not embarrassed - you're ANGRY! But you don't think you should be so you're trying to hold it down. She's the one who's embarrassed if she's looking down etc.

I agree with the poster who said don't serve her, that's if you have a colleague who can.

If not, let your anger rise enough to be able to handle the situation and look her in the eyes.

Why would you just be angry at him - according to your account she knew what she was doing. So of course you're right to be angry at her. Control it in the workplace, but *use* it to hold you steady.

Give yourself time, it'll disappear after a while when you get tired of it!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.
This is fairly embarssing tbh. Its just so embarssing. shes still in secondary school :P maybe im just picking now, but i feel so embarssed that ive been played by a school girl indirectly and its so basic. In fact, i had friends back in 6th yr who used to sit at lunch playing games with college lads by phone(which she did) all cause they had their own girlfriends....and these guys ate it all up...
And its very shameful cause tbh, i feel second best to this girl. And my friends told me honestly i shouldnt. This girl has a name for being a tramp(her fb photos dont help her either), and to top it all off (dunno if i should say no offense to her but seriously..after what she did?), shes is very manly and not exactly a looker, no idea about the personality though, but again, nothing positive so far in my eyes.
........But who am i to talk, he dumped me for her, so god knows what people see me as right?All i have to go on is my friends saying im stunning n shes this that and the other...but im like, can u be objective cause u have to say all that by default?!?!? I see it simply as i made someone give up on me after bou 3weeks, was a fool for 7 full weeks..i mean....3weeks and hes off getting back ups already? Jesus, what did i do so bad?

Grand i wasnt ready to have sex with him, what else could it be? But i mean, hands up how many girls would of slept with a guy theyd only known 7weeks and at that didnt know much? Im just not like that....... i kept my morals, so why do i feel pathetic?

I repeat - Dont like this guy, i actually hate him after all the facebook petty carryon afterwards outta him and was actually gobsmacked i would ever have kissed someone so disgusting as him!!!! Hes a pig.

Yeah i actually am working in a busy enviroment so i can never walk away anywhere. I felt this girl had a problem with me alright the second time i served her ( I remember cause this was the first time after the break up and this time, i was lookin at the girl who gave my ex what i wouldnt (sexually, which is ten times more embarssing cause he probably filled her in on everything, believe me, this guy is a twit.) and thats when i first lost my sh1t! I will never forget it.

She deliberately waiting for my till despite 2 other tills being free. I felt her eyes burning into my forehead. Anyway i served her, but yeah, experiencing the cold sweats etc but she was intimidating me that day cause she stared into my face....Thats when i got very upset for the first time over these encounters. Then the next 2 encounters? Head down!!!

Its just...disgusting. Cheating in general. And this girl actually is smug all over facebook about it. My bestfriend set me n the ex up and she knew this girl was always hanging round the club they worked in... apparently this girl used the throw herself at ALL the staff. But obviously from what we all know now, he took it to heart...


I like to think people get their come up ins, but honestly, do they? This girl, is walking into my work, coming up to my till like nothing. I mean, i think its fair to say people get affected by things differently and from our first encounter after the break up, after seeing me visibly tremble and get flustered and upset, youd think as a girl she'd say "ok, i hurt this girl. without meaning to,its obviously affected her, maybe ill avoid her till for a while until this all blows over" .....but obviously the girl is either blind and dumb, or yeah, a selfcentered drama loving beeetch!

Maybe im just naive, but when did girls become such b1tches? I mean really? At least go to a different till for god sake till all of this blows over...but no... i wouldnt have that luck.


I just want to show that yano, whatever, u may have had sex with my boyf while i was gone home or outta sight, but i can do better than you both.

But its like im a nervebasket and shes better than me?

My mam is my bestfriend. And she reckons this girl went to the shop all time anyway, i just didnt notice it till now, and plus, she worries im holding onto stuff, which im not.

I would be lying if i said my confidence wasnt shakin. Of course, if ya experience a scumbag like that, manipulating you, of course your not gonna be the super confident person ever, but im confident in college, had a date or 2 since, but the minute i see this girl, its like im so small and low....

Literally when my nerves start, my mind is screaming wtf! like im 2 diff people in the 1 body?




Wow this is very pathetic right? (Sorry if i seem bitchy in some parts, but ive taken this over the last few weeks, suffering alone with my embarssing panic attacks..and if i am bitchy in parts, i do apologize, it is the pent up screaming and anger coming through =p sorry!!! )

LittleBook

OK ... deep breaths, in-out-in-out Actually, this will help if you see her in the shop again.

Well you don't believe your friends when they say it, so take it from a complete stranger ... you did nothing wrong/"bad".

Your boyfriend broke up with you cos he could get a schoolgirl to do what you didn't want to do. That's beyond pathetic. It's actually quite sordid ... how old is he?

You should NOT feel ashamed or pathetic or embarassed ... as you say, you are well rid! Imagine if you HAD slept with him before seeing his true colours. I'd be more relieved about that than embarassed to be perfectly honest.

As for your little friend ... she actually sounds a bit ... well, disturbed or something.

The first time she came in she was probably trying to find out who you are (this is quite common with people who know they are with someone who is cheating). But the next times, as you said, she was looking down and mumbling ... it doesn't sound like she's enjoying your humiliation, but for some reason she can't keep away. She seems to be a bit fascinated with you or something.

Odd, I know. But there's no accounting for the human psyche ... especially that of a schoolgirl who appears to be sleeping around indiscriminately and is now with a guy who, in your own words, is a complete "scumbag".

If anything, she's the one who comes off as embarassing and pathetic, not you.

LegacyUser

Hes just 22, in his 3rd yr of college, Im 20, first yr of college(And i thought that was gap-age enough maturity wise? Maybe thats just me though...) And she was 18 at the time. Think shes just 19 though. Is it weird for me to think him and her are kinda perverted age wise? or ...?

Honestly, I wanna come up with something smart to say such as "Hows_______?" Or something like "Oh hi ________" - give her a shock?
I did plan to do that when i found out about her...I was gonna go to her work(hairdressers) and go "Hi _____" or remind her of who i am like "Sure, im _______s girlfriend" etc you get the picture. Basically id love to be a sweet to your face bitch but i cant cause my nerves kick off. I should of done that at the time...when i was confident enough to put her in her place.........See, they had been constantly texting, i was afraid i would get twisted into a pyscho bitch "Oh she attacked me at work" - I once was a schoolgirl enjoying dramas too =P

I just wanna put her in her place once and for all. Get back at her. Im sick of lying down and taking ****. I have to a certain limit alll my life but this? I might as well buy a doormat with my name on it..

How can i get past this? I considered councilling cause the nerves arent normal and its affecting my view on myself and my work. But why am i the one getting the consequences?? Hows that far? She waltzes in and outta my work, and approaches me like shes in the right?


And i have considered maybe she was fed lies about me by him .... i was the pyscho girlfriend or i was horrible to him. Completely untrue but ive known fellas over the years whove done stuff like that. But even so, you always have a womenely instinct about ya ........ugh i wanna hide under my dovet for a year hahahaha like hell i do....

Mighty_Mouse

Whoa................! Slow down.

You are getting yourself stressed into emotional mania here.
From what I have gathered, this was a short non-sexual relationship.
You're young. You may have many more.
Some you will end, some will not.

Whether you admit it or not. It appears to me, you liked this guy a little at the time, he let you down & hurt you, the rejection has made you insecure & doubt yourself.

Step back, breathe, relax. There are easy steps to make a person feel better about themselves. This is a test of character, don't let yourself slide in a negative direction.

First off, You are focusing your energy in the wrong direction.
Obsessing over the new girl, her texting, facebook stalking, her manly looks, your ex bf's probably sexual relations with her................................this is natural for a short-period but nonsense and childish if continues much longer.

Focus on yourself. What are the things you would like to achieve, what would you like to do in the next year? Hobbies, finances, travel, weight-loss. Pick some goals, achieve them, feel better, move forward, forgive, forget, accept it as a life learning experience.
There will be many harder tougher losses in your life than this.
There will be many sadder times & bigger reasons to feel terrible.
This is just a tiny spec in long life of love & loss
Enjoy the good times. The good times are today.

Be happy in yourself. Enjoy your youth. Embrace it.

Finally, it's probable this girl know's your history & is taking the piss. Often a persons instincts are correct. If you can avoid serving her do. It's only a job.
If you cannot then relax, don't try hard to be anything, be comfortable in yourself, **** happens, life goes on..........get over it.

Neyite

She is probably jealous, even though you 'lost out' here, that you are more attractive, are more mature, and have more self-respect and poise than her, and this is her way of trying to bring you down to her level.

Its natural that you are angry if she is deliberatly targeting your till in the place you work - That smacks of 'rubbing your face in it'. But think about it a bit - what is she trying to rub your face in? She is really a little idiot to be honest. She offered herself on a plate to a guy who has no problem cheating on a girlfriend. He is a scumbag, she is a slapper, they deserve each other.

I think your mum might be right, that she was always coming in and you just didnt notice her before. If it were me, I would be checking her notes closely for forgeries (as you do with all cash, y'know) my till roll would be getting stuck a few times when she was there, giving my colleagues plenty of time to get a good look at her. Or you could need change/or loo break and sweetly say 'sorry, this till is closed, my colleague will be happy to serve you'.

Remember the old saying, "when a man marries a mistress he creates a vacancy" while it may not exactly fit your situation, the idea is the same. if he cheated on you, he will cheat on her. Enjoy that thought.

OP there are many reasons you could be feeling the way you are, and the users here have gone over some oft hem such as anger.

However I wonder when I read you write things like “ive been played by a school girl” and “I feel second best” if the reason you are experiencing the emotions you are is not because he cheated, or because you are angry, but that you feel somehow like you “lost” or were "beaten".

This is a very common way to feel when someone leaves you for someone else. You feel as if the other person must somehow be “better” than you. You “lost” therefore you are “worse”. Some people literally can not cope with that.

To me however it makes as much sense as getting 3 jigsaw pieces and, because only 2 of them fit together than the third is somehow “worse”. It does not work this way. They either fit together, or they do not.

People are like jigsaw pieces. When they come together they either will fit, or they will not. This does not say anything at all about the standard of person they are. Neither of them are worse people if they do not fit, nor better if they do.

What you have to realize here is that you and him did not fit. Not because anything is wrong or right with you. You can be the most perfect person in the world and some people still will not fit with you.

Maybe he and this girl do fit together. From what you say about him this is for the best too and they deserve to fit each other.

So you have not been “played” here. You are not “second best”. Nor have you “lost” any competition or fight here. He simply was not the guy that fits to you. She might be the girl that fits to him. That is life. It says nothing about the quality of person you yourself are… and it sure as hell does not say anything about her being in some way better than you.

Maple

OP, with respect, calm down.

I'm not defending this girl, but to be honest you don't know what your ex was telling her. He could have been telling her all matter of lies about you, saying that you've said X, Y and Z.

Of course the flipside of that coin is that she's a sad little person who thinks it acceptable behaviour to attempt to intimidate someone.

Either way OP, you don't need to do anything. You're out of the situation, you've nothing to do with him and you're well rid to be honest.

Next time she comes in, just stare her down. I know it's a tough thing to do, I've been in your position before but just hold eye contact and act as if you haven't a care in the world. The first time will be the hardest but it will get easier each time.

Just try not to let yourself get so worked up, it's really not worth it.

Take care

littlefriend

I think you should listen to your mum and you should definitely go to counseling. You have been broken up with the guy for much longer than you were with him, its time to let it go and move on.

LegacyUser

With respect, this thread is not about me still fancying him... I do not and am glad to see his true colours. Of course ,yeah im still disappointed with how it ended but isnt that normal? and besides ive been out with 2 guys since ,just little dates, nothing major. And thats grand. i dont want a relationship right now. And i did learn something from him. Not to be a push over or lower my standards. End of. so i thank him for that.

My thread is about the hold this girl has over me. I wonder, are there any techniques i can do to stop trembling etc? I tried deep breathes, but it makes me worse :O

LegacyUser

Your not pathetic and you have no need to be embarrassed.

I know girls that get a thrill from "stealing" guys from other girls, or knowing they have the power to lure a guy away from someone else, its such a symptom of low self esteem! She's probably coming in because she wants to stir **** for you, dont give her the satisfaction! You said yourself he was a twit, sounds like she has done you a favour making you see that as soon as you did!

I dont think you need to see a councellor. Put things in perspective, this was a short relationship, you didnt sleep with him, you didnt compromise your morals for him and he did you a favour by showing his true colours. Hold your head high! This was a crappy thing to happen but youve come out the most mature and respectable of all three involved, dont let her take that from you!

spinandscribble

I think you're focusing too much on this girl...it's actually scaring me how fixated on her you are, comparing and contrasting. Its all too much and seems unhealthy to me.

you work in the local shop, tbh cop on she shouldn't have to walk far to get her lunch and there's no guarantee she even knew you were going out with this guy.

From the sounds of things she means no harm coming into the shop but keeps her head down ect maybe because she feels embarrassed too or has noticed a reaction from you in some small way. you're both probably been played by him.

I know you've posted here before about this but you really need to let this go. you probably have other things going on and its all compacting into this issue and counseling is what you seem to need. This isn't a normal reaction after this length of time and you need to see someone professional to get to the bottom of this. You'll look back at this in a couple of years, even later this year prehaps and feel silly but I think at this stage you need some real help to get there, good luck.

LegacyUser

^^ Seriously, Im fine. I have moved on. I just need advice on my physical reactions......=(

spinandscribble

I'm sorry but i disagree. If you can't control your bodily movements around this person and its filling your thoughts this much somethings not fine. I have a feeling this won't finish until you admit it to yourself and seek help.

LegacyUser

Ok some advice on the breathing. What your probably feeling is anger and frustration. You prob end up breathing just from the top of your chest even if you try to take keep breaths. You have to put one hand on your stomach and make sure your stomach is moving up and down with each breath. Even if you have to force it. When you get angry or frustrated you tend to tense up and not breathe normally. This leads to a chain reaction..
Just give it a go and look up some others on the net but this should work. Good luck.
P.s. Make a point not to go on his or her FB or you'll never but this behind you. Just laugh to yourself and think 'what a pair of apes'.
Last point, counselling has a weird stigma but all it is is like talking to a very neutral objective friend.

Mighty_Mouse

You sound frantic and obsessive.
There is a reason why this girl has a hold on you.
It's linked to your ex and feelings you had for him (good or bad)
It's linked to your feeling of rejection. (even if you don't fancy him now)
It's linked to self-image, self-worth...................etc

You can use all the physical techniques you like, but you need to resolve the mental issues within yourself.
Thats by accepting whatever it is is going on & finally moving on.
Accept life, accept you bf new gf, accept the situation for what it is.
Stop fighting it & questioning it

Moomoo1

bit harsh that ^^^

all very easy to say about someone else, not so easy when it happens to you

LegacyUser

Hey again guys.

I do know life goes on and i do recognise he has moved on (believe me, hes made it extremely clear documenting it on fb ages ago) .. I have moved on and tbh when i was with him, it wasnt exciting or..passionate? To be honest i wasnt sure of him cause the behaviour was off the wall and he wasnt my kinda guy. Honestly if you asked me why i went out with him, i wouldnt be able to tell you! Maybe i wanted an experience.
So im still surprised this hurts me since i wasnt THAT into him. Like, ive fancied other guys who were more my kinda guy. I think half this is my ego too.
I know this in my mind. But i literally cannot control the physical reaction...... =O weird stuff!
Thanks for the breathing tips btw ^^