Best friend v's fiance

k4899g

My best friend and then boyfriend have never gotten along due to a personality clash but each sucked it up for social events until 3 years ago when they had a screaming match and each said horrible things to each other and haven't seen each other since and have no desire to do so.

I got engaged last month and I had always wanted my best friend to be my chief bridesmaid but when I mentioned that I was asking her my fiance and that he'd hate the idea of standing up there with her in the bridal party and it would affect his whole day.

Should I ask someone else to be my chief bridesmaid; sister, his sister or other friend or should I stick to my guns and insist that she's my best friend and who I want as my chief bridesmaid?

Taltos

OP - is there a reason they cannot just be adults and apologize to each other?

At the end of the day though - the wedding day is both of your day - though some may argue it is more important to the bride. As much as it will hurt him - will it hurt you more? If so - why the hell can't he just be a man, swallow his pride and make amends?

They don't have to be friends but they should at least attempt to learn how to be civil.
I

LegacyUser

Would be ridiculous to ask her imo. It looks like these two people really hate each other, it will spoil your fiance's wedding day and I can't imagine your friend will be all that happy either considering she hates the groom and he hates her. Just ask someone else and save the hassle.

Ickle Magoo

This is the wedding of you and your fiancé, it's a big day that belongs to both of you - if he doesn't want her there then she shouldn't be there.

That said - is there no way of mediating a compromise? I'd hate to have my partner and my best friend at each others throats - could you not get them together and clear the air?

k4899g

I know that it sounds really immature but they each think that the other one is bad for me and are never going to agree a compromise.

It will hit my best friend hard if I don't ask her as it's something that we agreed upon when we were growing up, to be each others.

ElleEm

I'm in a similar position OP. my partner's close friend is an ass, and pretty much invited himself to be groomsman at our wedding. We're not even engaged yet! I don't like this bloke at all, but i know how much it would mean for my partner to have him as a part of our wedding. I'm gonna be the bigger person and do what makes my partner happy. I think your partner should do the same. Its unfair to ask u to choose not to have your friend same beside you on this very special day.

k4899g

They're both quite stubborn and have a big temper if provoked which caused the shouting match. They both said things that they consider to be unforgiveable (can't really go into it here but it was all pretty bad).

He knows that we agreed as friends to each others but said that he would never choose someone who I hated to stand up there with us as the focus should be on us celebrating our commitment and not having a shadow of awkwardness over everything.

He has no problem with her and her partner being a guest and would never ask me not to invite them he just draws the line at bridal party. He doesn't want to look back at our photos with gritted teeth.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

It's your day, too.

Are you serious? Most of the whole charade of a wedding is for the benefit of the bride, not the groom. Don't even pretend like the OP would be a victim if this woman weren't invited to be in the bridal party.

OP, you would be incredibly selfish to even consider inviting your friend to be a bridesmaid. Your friend is the issue here and if they want to be involved in the wedding they should be told to apologize to your fiance (regardless of who was right or wrong). If your fiance accepts this, then let them take part. Until then, this is your(couple) day, it has little or nothing to do with your friend.

k4899g

She was 'happy for me' but kept asking if I'm sure if it's what I wanted and didn't get excited like everyone else about it. She made a remark about don't put your bridesmaids in curtains and winked. I think that she assumes that I will ask her as planned.

Lady von Purple

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree.
It sounds a bit heartless if knowing that he wouldn't make some sort of compromise. It's your day, too.

Good luck.

ElleEm wrote: »

I'm in a similar position OP. my partner's close friend is an ass.
I'm gonna be the bigger person and do what makes my partner happy. I think your partner should do the same. Its unfair to ask u to choose not to have your friend same beside you on this very special day.

It's a terrible situation to be in, OP, it must be really awkward. But I think he's actually being very fair here. Having no problem with them being guests is actually a big compromise in itself.
And ElleEm, the difference here is that you don't like the friend, but can put up with him. The OP's fiancee and her best friend haven't spoken in three years. The dispute is very serious, and doesn't seem like something that can just be 'put up with.'
After all, it's his day too.

OP, I'm not sure what advice to give here. I think you may just have to tell your friend that the conflict with your fiancee means that she can't be your maid of honour. Even if the two of them put on a brave face, it still won't be a good day for him as a result, and that's just not fair to him.
Ask her how she'd feel if she was forced to have someone she couldn't stand in the wedding party, and see if she can empathise with the situation a little.

IMO, you'd be best off asking another friend, or your sister, to be in the wedding party. It's a big deal to you, but it's also a big deal to your fiancee and he's compromised a fair bit already. He doesn't want a woman he can't stand in his wedding photos, like she wouldn't want him in hers. I think you may have to respect that.

I'm sorry, I know that if you decide to do this it'll be an awkward and unpleasant conversation.
Good luck with it. And congratulations on the engagement.

.....
Actually, thinking about it... It would be incredibly awkward for her to be involved anyway; she doesn't like the groom and doesn't speak to him. Even talking to him about the wedding would be as awkward for her as it would be for him. That sounds like it would lend an awful lot of stress to the wedding-planning.

k4899g

I think that I will just have to talk to her but I know that she will blame him no matter how much I say that it was my decision too.

If it's causing stress and disagreements now about 2 years before the wedding then I should take it as a sign to avoid it.

3 years of balancing nights out and going alone to dinner parties is one thing but this will be our big day and he has a right to feel comfortable and happy on it.

Thanks everyone.

Lady von Purple

Best of luck with the wedding!

tinkerbell

k4899g wrote: »

I know that it sounds really immature but they each think that the other one is bad for me and are never going to agree a compromise.

It will hit my best friend hard if I don't ask her as it's something that we agreed upon when we were growing up, to be each others.

OP, your fiancé is your world now, not your best friend. You are marrying HIM, not your best friend. The only feelings you should be considering here are your fiancé's. He told you he would never have a friend of his be in the bridal party if you hated his friend. Imagine how you would feel if you absolutely hated a friend of his and he got him in the bridal party for your wedding? You'd be really hurt, upset, stressed and it would ruin your day.

So think of your fiancé's feelings, because his feelings should come first, not her. And to be honest, if your best friend whinges about how ye agreed for her to be bridesmaid growing up, well she should've thought about that before she said things that she can't take back now to your fiancé.

At the end of the day, it is your fiancé who you are spending the rest of your life with, not your best friend. Yes you'll see your best friend now and again but most of the time it will be you and your future husband. So he is the one you should be putting first.

Count Duckula

Everyone saying it's not fair to him needs to consider that it's not fair to the OP! The bridesmaid means more to her than it does to him, and if he really loves his wife-to-be he should stop being so petty. It sounds like the friend doesn't like him either, but won't not attend because of that. Hell, she despises the man and yet is prepared to be the maid of honour whilst her best friend swears her future to him. That's friendship.

If he really cares about the OP he'll let her choose her friend as her maid of honour. It's nothing to do with him, really, and he should want to make the day as special for her as possible. If his day is "ruined" by the friend's presence, you have to question his maturity.

coolcat63

If the BF hates the fiance I would be very surprised if she still expected to be in the bridal party and why would she want to be?

OP, do whatever will make your day happy and stress free, don't hark back to pacts made (probably) before you even met your husband to be.

Invite your friend as a guest and ask your fiance to make a big effort to be pleasant to her on the day.

fungun

this 'if he loves you' or 'if you loved him' stuff is garbage....can go either way.

the wedding day is about 2 people - you and your fiance. The people in your bridal party should be the people who have and will support you both....not someone who thinks the marriage shouldnt happen.

I understand the growing up dream of being the bridesmaid for the other person, but that is based on a whole world of assumptions....one being that they dont think your future husband is an asshole. I think your friend needs to accept your choice and stop going on about him and do her best to accept him - maybe then it would work. But otherwise its best she is not in the bridal party.

Butterflylove

k4899g wrote: »

She was 'happy for me' but kept asking if I'm sure if it's what I wanted

TBH I wouldnt want someone standing beside me who had this sort of attitude! After all you said yes to him of course its what you want!


Its a celebration of your love and I can totally understand where your other half is coming from - if she had given a more mature responce to your engagement then I would considering having her but as chef bridemaid?

She is to help with the planning of a wedding she doesnt want to go ahead? I would prefer someone who was actually happy for me!

But thats just myself and at the end of the day one of them is going to end up hurt,

Count Duckula

Why does she think he's an arse, though? The fact that he won't even countenance her presence lends credence to the theory that she may be right...

ziedth

Count Duckula wrote: »

Why does she think he's an arse, though? The fact that he won't even countenance her presence lends credence to the theory that she may be right...

Ah did you read the whole thread? He will be happy for her to be there he just doesn't want her in the bridal party.

It's an awful situation OP, but I'm going to have to agree with your OH. I wouldn't want anybody who didn't want us together to be part of my wedding. The only thing I suggest you do is either try and somehow get them to bury the hatchet or just hope your OH changes his mind.

Best of luck with your wedding.

Count Duckula

Yes, but this friend has known the OP since they were chidren. She obviously wants her to be happy; why would she therefore take a dislike to a man the OP obviously loves unless she had a very good reason for it? To the point she actually thinks he's bad for her.

iguana

k4899g wrote: »

If it's causing stress and disagreements now about 2 years before the wedding then I should take it as a sign to avoid it.

If you have 2 years can you really not see if they could come to some sort of peace with each other? Tell him what you have decided re; her being bridesmaid but ask him if in return he could make one more attempt with her as you love her too. Would he apologise if she does?

Then also speak frankly with her. Tell her how much she means to you and that you always want her in your life but that this man will be your husband and that their animosity for each other will come between you and her more and more as your life goes on, because that is what will happen. Ask her to please make an effort if he does.

Tell them both that you don't expect them to become friends but that it hurts you that they hate each other.

LegacyUser

Being the chief bridesmaid also means you have to put your name on the marrige cert as a witness.
She will be standing there thinking as the 'Is there anyone who has reason to believe this marrige should not take place' question(or words to that effect) is asked thinking this is wrong and then she will sign the cert as a witness.

It maybe old fashioned but I think thats wrong.

Op I'd sit her down and talk to her. If she not willing to make peace then she should be women enough to stepaside

Little Acorn

k4899g wrote: »

I know that it sounds really immature but they each think that the other one is bad for me and are never going to agree a compromise.

It will hit my best friend hard if I don't ask her as it's something that we agreed upon when we were growing up, to be each others.

Why do they each think that the other is bad for you OP?
Maybe if they can talk through these reasons some more, they might hopefully be able to resolve them in the 2 years before the wedding.

Tbh, I feel most sorry for you in this situation.
I get it, your fiance hates her and vice versa.
Seeing as he is willing to accept her being at the wedding though, then why the huge deal about her being your bridesmaid?
Even if she is just a guest, she is going to be by your side most of the day and evening anyways with the other bridesmaids because she is your best friend. She will also be in alot of photographs from the day by your side.

What huge difference does it make to him whether she is standing/sitting near the alter as a bridesmaid, than if she was sitting just a few seats back?
He doesn't want her in the bridal group photos?
Surely he could focus on the photos of just you and him and family on that day, and pay less heed to the ones she is in.
I mean as I said, even as a guest and being your best friend, she is going to be in alot of the photos anyways.

It's very easy for him to say he wouldn't have a bestman that you hated. He might feel differently though if you hated and said he couldn't have his brother, or his best friend from growing up, as his best man, someone who he had always planned on being his best man.

Is her standing at the alter really going to ruin his day, or is there a chance that some of his reasons might be just to spite and hurt her?
I would hope not, but you never know.

His day could be tainted by sheer annoyance that she is at the alter, but then again he is going to be annoyed in her presence anyways even if she's a guest.

Your day however could be tainted by a huge amount of sadness that your best friend, who you've always wanted to be your bridesmaid since growing up is not there at the alter with the rest of your bridesmaids, and could also cause a rift with or a lot of hurt in your friend too.

If it's weighed up, I think you are the one who would suffer most here by not having your friend as bridesmaid.
I get that he would be annoyed, but I don't see how the simple fact of her being there at the alter could ruin his day, as she is going to be at the wedding and afters anyways. I just don't see what huge difference it could make to him either way.
I do think though that you might feel a lot of sadness about the whole thing, that could actually taint the day alot for you.

Depends on how important her being bridesmaid is to you though I suppose.
If it a hugely important thing for you, then I don't think it would be fair for you to not have her there.
On the other hand if it is not a huge deal to you, and you don't think it will taint your day, and your fiance feels that it is a massive deal to him, then just pick another bridesmaid I suppose, and explain it to your friend as best you can.

Hopefully though it all gets sorted out before the wedding. Horrible situation to be in!

LegacyUser

your husband to be is much more important than your best friend on your wedding day.
if you really have to make a choice then his feeings would have to take priority/

"She was 'happy for me' but kept asking if I'm sure if it's what I wanted"
that is a horrible thing to say though, it dosent sound like she's happy for you at all, a real friend would never say something like that. she sounds very spitefull/

ziedth

Count Duckula wrote: »

Yes, but this friend has known the OP since they were chidren. She obviously wants her to be happy; why would she therefore take a dislike to a man the OP obviously loves unless she had a very good reason for it? To the point she actually thinks he's bad for her.

You have a point but before there was Mrs Ziedth I was half serious with this girl and her best friend hated me with a passion. I had prob only met her 3 or 4 times and I'd be kinda shy when meeting new people but I never got a reason. My point being call it character clash, jealously, bitchyness or whatever but there doesn't have to be something wrong with a guy.

Having said that, if I were in the OP's position I'd like to think that my future Wife/Husband could suck it up if it was that important to me.

shinikins

OP, I'd have to agree with the majority and say go with what will make your fiance happy. Putting myself in your shoes, I have to say, i wouldn't want to start my marriage by deliberately antagonising my other half by having someone he dislikes closeby all day. You have to remember, not only will your chief bridesmaid be standing with you on the alter, and in all your pictures, but generally they are sat on the grooms side of the top table. You've already stated that they can't stand being at dinner parties together, why push them together now? And remember, wedding meals tend to be extremely long affairs, its a long day altogether. An hour long ceremony, 1-2 hrs for photos, 3 hours for the meal, plus all the standing around in between. Plus there's the run-up to the big day itself, chief bridesmaids usually help out a lot with the planning.

Also, its already been said, she couldn't even muster up some enthusiasm when you anounced your engagement!! Not someone I would invite to be part of my wedding party. Invite her as a friend, enjoy your day with your fiance, and save yourself the stress and stomach ulcers!! God knows planning a wedding is stressful enough!

matrim

k4899g wrote: »

She was 'happy for me' but kept asking if I'm sure if it's what I wanted and didn't get excited like everyone else about it.

Do you really want someone who doesn't agree with the marriage to be your maid of honour? What happens if with 5 minutes to go you get a bit of cold feet. Do you want someone there who will say "X is a great guy, go ahead" or someone who will say "X is a bastard, lets get out of here"

b743k

I think that the main thing is try to get them to work it out and be civil or she can't be a bridesmaid.

matrim wrote: »

Do you really want someone who doesn't agree with the marriage to be your maid of honour? What happens if with 5 minutes to go you get a bit of cold feet. Do you want someone there who will say "X is a great guy, go ahead" or someone who will say "X is a bastard, lets get out of here"

That is something that I'd worry about, I'd have visions of her having an escape route or plan B instead of telling you that it's all normal to be nervous etc.

k4899g

Thanks for all the advice.

I'll try for a truce by I know that it's unlikely.

If it happens then great but if not then she's have to be just a guest I suppose.

LegacyUser

matrim wrote: »

Do you really want someone who doesn't agree with the marriage to be your maid of honour? What happens if with 5 minutes to go you get a bit of cold feet. Do you want someone there who will say "X is a great guy, go ahead" or someone who will say "X is a bastard, lets get out of here"

Presumably she'll have other bridesmaids, or some of her sisters there with her too? I honestly don't think this woman would set out to cause trouble on her best friends wedding day. She might have her problems with the fiance, but at the end of the day she is not going to try and ruin her friends wedding.
I would also like to say that just because her friend asked her if she was sure she was making the right decision, does not mean that she doesn't want her friend to be happy.
Something in the past has made her friend think that the fiance is not good enough or even bad for her. Now obviously the poster hasn't got problems with her fiance now, but her friend is just making sure. She could just stick a smile on her face and say I'm so happy for you like most people here seem to think that a friend should do. But I think she is actually a true friend who is honest enough to voice her concerns. She probably thinks that if she wasn't honest and didn't say anything, and that if all went bad in some way, that she would feel guilty for not having said something.
All she did was ask the poster if she was sure, and has since accepted it. This does not make her spiteful or a bad friend.

PK2008

Speaking hypothetically here if the woman I loved wanted to invite Gadaffi to our wedding I would grin and bear. I'm not really into weddings but i get how big of a deal it is for the bride so I would pretty much do anything that made her happy (for that day at least)

jelly&icecream

Avoid the whole fiasco and elope. Why put yourself under so much stress and pressure on what should be a very happy day in your life.