Am I being silly?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, just a quick question...

Been with my boyfriend for over a year. He has a friend who lives in Wales in college and she comes back for holidays etc. Whenever she comes back, they practically hang out constantly along with another friend of theirs. Watching movies at night, going for coffee, going to the pub etc. Obviously they don't see her much, but I can't help but feel a bit jealous which I know is stupid

I know this is completely ridiculous. I know I'm the most important person to him because he says so and I trust him. It's also strange because I know 100% that nothing more is going on between them (I have known the group for years before I started going out with my boyfriend, and nothing has ever happened between the two of them), so I'm not suspicious at all on that front. But at the same time, I know that the reason I'm so jealous of the situation is because she's a girl?! If it were a guy I know I wouldn't be half as bad!

On that note I should say though that we both have guy and girl friends. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends because he just naturally gets on well with girls, and I have no problem with this. He hangs out with them just one on one too, going for coffee etc. and I don't mind this! I have guy friends too! It's just how he gets so excited when this friend comes home, and they hang out constantly.

She's back at the moment...and they watched movies together last night, and are doing the same tonight. Suppose it's that I'm hardly ever invited, unless plans to meet with my boyfriend clash with him meeting with her and the other friend, despite knowing them all fairly well. I'll text or call him to say hi, and he'll say "oh sorry, we're watching a movie". I'm very busy at the moment, thesis due next week....so when I said that I probably wouldn't see him much next week, he says "Sure, more time to spend with ***", as though I'm some kind of inconvenience stopping him from hanging out with her when she's home!! OK...maybe I'm being a bit harsh there..he didn't say it in a nasty way, that's just how I felt inside.

We normally hang out on thursday nights together, and this thursday was going to be the last time I see him for over a week before I hand in my thesis. But he now wants to go to the pub that night. He invited me, but I'm really not up for going out drinking when I've got so much going on in college. I just wanted a quiet night in, movie and cuddle up on the couch kinda thing. I also know that if I go out with them I'll be pushed to the side by their conversations, because it's happened before and I really don't need that right now.

Anyway...I suppose my question is, am I being overly sensitive? I think the answer is yes.. I know I'm being pretty silly. I just want to hear others perspectives. My boyfriend doesn't know I feel like this by the way..because I disagree with your other half telling you what to do etc. I wouldn't stand for it, so I'm not going to ask him to see less of her or anything. I always ask how she is when she's over, and enthusiastically ask how their nights went, what movie they watched etc. I understand that she's only home every few months...how do I stop feeling like this??

stopbeingsilly

I was actually in the exact same situation as you, with the one difference of that after feeling threatened for ages, my boyfriend casually dropped into conversation that a few years ago they had gone out for a while! To say I felt a bit miffed is an understatement. You are NOT being silly, it's perfectly natural to feel this way in this situation, and if you ask me, your boyfriend is being quite tactless and insensitive. I eventually said to my boyfriend "here, you get that it bothers me yeah?" and he had no idea what I was on about. I explained to him that even though there was someone else there with them, and I trusted he wasn't cheating on me, his affection for her bothered me, regardless of whether or not it was only friendship. I told him that I didn't want to effect his relationship with her, but he needed to understand how it effected me. From then on, he spends just as much time with her when she comes over, but he lets me know what's going on and I can tell that he gets that I'm insecure about it. I can't even properly explain how it makes me feel better, but it really does. We even make jokes about it now.

stopbeingsilly wrote: »

My boyfriend doesn't know I feel like this by the way..because I disagree with your other half telling you what to do etc.

Telling him how you feel is not synonymous with telling him what to do. Telling him how it affects you gives him the opportunity to make his own choice about how to handle the situation.

Eve_Dublin

true-or-false wrote: »

I was actually in the exact same situation as you, with the one difference of that after feeling threatened for ages, my boyfriend casually dropped into conversation that a few years ago they had gone out for a while! .

In fairness, that's a big difference. That changes the situation somewhat and I don't think it's comparable to the OP's. Not saying there's anything going on with your boyfriend and this girl, True and False....feelings die out and I know exes can be friends but the fact that absolutely nothing ever happened beteween the OP's boyfriend and this girl makes it even less of a reason to be jealous.

I'm not going to tell you how you feel is wrong, OP because I've been jealous msyelf in the past and i completely understand it and it's only human to feel this way but if you're sure nothing is going on, then your feelings have to be kept under wraps. Your boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong as such...probably been a little bit thoughtless not spending the day with you before you don't see him for a week but then some men don't think like we do. He sees this girl as just a friend who doesn't come home very often and who he wants to hang out with and he knows he'll be able to spend as much time as he likes with you in only a week but probably won't see one of his best mates for a few months.

The very fact that he's open about their friendship and is not hiding his excitement about seeing her would indicate to me that he's nothing to hide. I have male friends who I LOVE hanging out with but there's nothing else going on there. You mentioned you've male friends so I'm sure you know what I mean. Perhaps the stress of the thesis is getting to you and the very fact that you can't do what you want right now is getting to you.

In all honesty OP, there's nothing in your post that made me suspicious of this guy. That's an outsider's rational point-of-view.

All I can say is continue what you're doing (not acting possessive and accusing him of wrong doing where there is none) and keep these feelings to yourself. Jealousy is poisonous and without sounding harsh, it's something you have to deal with, not him. He hasn't done anything wrong. You just have to trust him and trust that he loves you but also know how your feeling is pretty natural. You just have to deal with it I'm afraid.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you for your replies.

Although they were both different, they were exactly what I needed to hear. I wouldn't mind, but one of his female friends is an ex of his, and I don't have a problem with that! He's also friends with two girls he's kissed in the past. It's just this one girl I suppose, for some reason.

Eve_Dublin, I completely agree with you though. Rationally, I understand that he's simply happy she's home for a while. Then the irrational side of me goes "HEY WHAT ABOUT ME!!!" haha... What I love about my boyfriend is his complete honesty, I know he wouldn't cheat or anything like that, he's just a bit thoughtless in what he says sometimes, never in a hurtful way, just basically "not thinking". Like, I saw him for an hour yesterday morning, and he said he'd call me last night. I texted in the evening reminding him about something he has to do for a friend of ours, and got a reply saying they were watching a movie to which I just replied "cool, enjoy" because I don't expect to hear from him while he's watching something! But then I haven't heard from him since then..and that was about 7 last night, so the movie would have been over early.

I think you're right about the thesis too, normally I feel a little bit like this when she comes home, but I'm able to push it aside and say to myself that it's only for a few weeks then everything will be back to normal. At the moment I'm stressed anyway, and being the procastinator that I am, I think I'm spending the time over-thinking this. I am upset about potentially not seeing him tomorrow though, but I really don't want to go to the pub.

Suppose I'll just sort out what's happening tomorrow, then try to throw myself into college work for the next week, and when I'm finished she'll have left again.