Can you forgive & forget and get back with your ex

LegacyUser

My ex and I broke up a couple of years ago and he severely broke my heart. I mean it almost killed me. Devastated for well over a year.

He contacted me loads after the split which of course made it impossible for me to heal in any way but I've ignored him for the last 6 months. Hes only texted a few times over that period but we bumped into each other over the w-end and he'd only sent me a text the previous day saying how much he was missing me. So basically he wants to try again but I'm not sure I can forgive him after all the pain I went through and its only in the last 6 months that I've had proper peace of mind (before that I'd go over things in my head constantly and drove myself CRAZY).

How can I trust him with my heart again and feel secure with him? Is that even possible?
We get on brilliantly in every sense which is why I'd even consider a reconciliation.
But he let me down so much when he left me.

gayguy2009

Hey OP,

I don't think it would be a good idea, would you risk going through that heartbreak again. Your better trying to move on, theres so many guys out there that won't hurt you. Just look around.Move on from your ex, he's an ex for a reason.

I am a friend

Why does he want to get back with you? Has he explained and is that explanation good enough. To get back with someone who dumped me and then played games with my head for 6 months would take a huge leap of faith and I don't think I could do it.

He let you go so why does he want you back?

LegacyUser

We broke up cos he got into loads of debt and was afraid to tell me about it so he did still have feelings for me and he says that he feels very strongly now and realises that we were so good together. He said he was in a bad way for ages cos of the debt but hes been missing me loads over the last couple of months.

I feel all uneasy now for the first time in so long. I'm petrified of getting back into it and going through any of that pain again. I was mad about him and trusted him so much and then he p1ssed off. He was very good after the split money wise, he still paid his share of the bills and rent until the lease was up in the house we shared. I cut contact a few times for a few months at a time but then I got back in touch and he'd maintain the contact then, very regularly.

You know the way when you start seeing someone you should be all happy and excited?
I felt good when i saw him over the w-end but theres a lot of doubt in me now. I've come so far and I've actually healed so if he undid that good work I'd kill him. I don't trust him with my heart.

Fluorescence

To be honest, only you can answer that question. Everybody is so different, and stuff affects us all in so many possible ways. Considering how long it took you to get over him, and how agitated you come across in your posts, I'd say leave it in the past. BUT - if you think you can put your history behind you, completely and utterly behind you, then you're free to try again if you want. Only you know that for certain though - are you able to move on and start afresh?

Miss Fluff

Why was he ashamed of the debt? Was it due to a drug or gambling habit for example? And I get the impression that he called a halt to it all and used the debt as an excuse, is that right?

In some instances I'd advise people to follow their hearts but I don't think this one is for you hon. Not if the breakup "nearly killed" you as you put it. It sounds like the split totally devestated you and you're just coming out the other side now. You've actually gone through the whole horrid process of working him out of your system and realising you're no longer with him so unless you are absolutely 100% sure that this is the right thing for you (and you've taken it very very very slowly as friends and worked through what getting back together means) then I would really really think very carefully.

From what I can gather you bumped into him in a nightclub and are now contemplating getting back with him on a whim... Really? Don't you think that sounds a little bit hasty? And don't think your reaction to this (the evident fear and anxiety in your post for a start) goes someway towards giving you your answer?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Why was he ashamed of the debt? Was it due to a drug or gambling habit for example? And I get the impression that he called a halt to it all and used the debt as an excuse, is that right?

Yes he was ashamed of the debt as he got it through gambling. I didn't find out about this until about a month after we split and he broke the news to me. His original reason for the split was that he wasn't in love with me anymore but he just didn't have the balls to tell me he screwed up big time with the debt.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

From what I can gather you bumped into him in a nightclub and are now contemplating getting back with him on a whim... Really? Don't you think that sounds a little bit hasty? And don't think your reaction to this (the evident fear and anxiety in your post for a start) goes someway towards giving you your answer?

Jesus when you put it that way it sounds quite ridiculous. It is on a whim and its insanely hasty after 6 months of nothing. Its a huge risk for me emotionally and apart from being a bit lonely the odd time, I've been very content within myself and it did take ages to get my confidence back cos it diminished when he left me.

I'm supposed to see him this w-end so I might tell him that I will be in touch with him when I've had time to think and I can decide then if hes worth the risk.

opinions?

LegacyUser

Key points
. He lied too you
. He kept a massive secret from you while in a relationship with you
. He took a cowardly way out of your relationship
. He caused you emotional heartache

and many, many more things i would presume, everyone deserves a second chance and if indeed he does want a second chance then make him earn it, let him show the urgency, need and ambition to win your heart back and if he does: great, if he doesnt well then you have your answer.

Miss Fluff

dont know about the ex wrote: »

I'm supposed to see him this w-end so I might tell him that I will be in touch with him when I've had time to think and I can decide then if hes worth the risk.

opinions?

Who's put this timeline of making a decision by the this weekend? This is all moving at break-neck speed if you ask me and you're clearly not thinking this through enough.

You can't expect him to just waltz back into your life. No way. Think of what you've been through and how far you have come. You've had to work really hard at getting yourself together again.

If it were me I'd tell him I don't want to hear a single peep from him until you'd given this a huge amount of thought. And only after that would I agree to meet him as a friend and take it very very slowly before even entertaining the thought of a reunion. And that's at a push.

Have his circumstances changed? Has he worked for a reconciliation? I know it can be hard when you're feeling lonely and horny and sentimental, all the sh1t stuff can be conveniently forgotten but on this occasion I'd keep it at the forefront of your mind. He lied to you and then he left you. If it were me I'm not entirely sure I'd be even talking to him.

Tread very very carefully m'dear.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Who's put this timeline of making a decision by the this weekend? This is all moving at break-neck speed if you ask me and you're clearly not thinking this through enough.

Theres actually no timeline. We just organised to see each other this w-end. Its not like decision time or anything like that.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If it were me I'd tell him I don't want to hear a single peep from him until you'd given this a huge amount of thought.

This is exactly what I'm thinking. He keeps disrupting my healing. Over the six months that I didn't see him I was getting on with my life and when he'd text me I would suddenly start thinking of him again and it p1ssed me off that he put himself back into my thoughts when I was trying to get him out of there. In fact over the w-end he said that he had wanted to text me a good few times but then said he decided to wait until I texted him and if i didn't then he'd leave me alone for good and i said to him why didn't he stick to it and let me be and he said he missed me blah blah blah

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Have his circumstances changed? Has he worked for a reconciliation?

His circumstances haven't changed (I know) and he can't really work for a reconciliation if I'm not seeing him. I'm not giving him that opportunity if I'm keeping my distance. I'm not really prepared to give him that opportunity. Its honestly too much like hard work tbh and when I see it spelt out in the key points like 'imagine that' said, it really hits home.

At this point I can walk away pretty unaffected but if i see him even a couple more times that may not be the case.

Getting this advice is really invaluable to me. It means a lot esp the words from you Miss Fluff x

G86

He's saying his own personal problems caused the split in the first place, but you're saying he hasn't resolved those problems, so basically...nothing has changed. I wouldn't risk it OP, I really wouldn't. You sound like you've come so so far, and it would be horrible to be back at square one again. I once loved someone very much; he had issues also which resulted in a breakup, and I found it incredibly difficult. Now that I'm coming out the other side, I can safely say that I would never give him the chance to make me feel that way again, especially not if he hadn't sorted those issues out.

If he was coming to you with his debt under control, and asking for friendship then I'd consider it. But he's asking for too much too soon right now, and that's not fair. If you're really going to do it, then please just take it slow, start with friendship and work from there - and jump out straightaway at any sign of trouble.

Miss Fluff

dont know about the ex wrote: »

At this point I can walk away pretty unaffected but if i see him even a couple more times that may not be the case.

You're showing great self-awareness here and that's a good thing. I guess that what having the old heart broken does eh The problem is that if you get too embroiled and involved with him on any level, even a "casual" meet up at the weekend, then next thing you know you'll find you're back with him without a. having given it any real thought and b. where nothing has actually changed from the moment he decided to leave you in the first place.

Tell him if he REALLY cares about you then he needs to leave you alone.

Then you can give a reunion some serious consideration (and hopefully come to a sensible conclusion!!) without the distraction of all the white noise he's currently bombarding you with.

You sound like you're well on track to making the right decision here so ask him to respect your request for space and take it from there.

flowerchild

Only you know what is right for you. Think about what you feel about him as a person. Put aside your hurt about the past (hard to do but good to go in that direction). Be healthily sceptical. That means look after yourself and your heart. And trust again. It's about saying that everyone deserves a second chance, providing that you have learned to look after youslef in the process.

LegacyUser

I'm totally passed off and frustrated now. He texted me today and I told him that I don't think I can forgive the pain he caused me and nothing has changed with him and leave me alone so I can properly think and decide what I want. He said grand and he did want to change and make me happy and he'd leave me be but I honestly wish I hadn't bumped into him as this has fecked with my head and I wasn't thinking of him at all.

I was so happy that I hadn't seen him in six months and I was proud of myself but now I feel like I'm going backwards and starting from day one again and I could scream actually. This will probably pass in only a few days but still I'm just annoyed with myself that I let him in even a little. I should've known better that nothing good would come of speaking with him. I'm sorry I just need to vent my frustration here. I could shake myself.

jimmycrackcorm

Maybe you need him more than you think... if his gambling problem can be dealt with, and people are bit perfect, then you should weigh up the balance of your relationship with him.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Maybe you need him more than you think...

I really hope thats not the case.....after I posted here last night I texted him telling him i didn't want anything to do with him anymore and to never contact me again.

Before he texted me last week I wasn't thinking of him, I wasn't missing him and I was content. Surely that says a lot.