Rejection

LegacyUser

How do you handle it? I'm relatively new to the dating game...no big past relationships, I just have sort of buried my head in the sand when it came to romance until recently.
I'm mid 20s female, would be considered to be attractive (though beginning to question that...:( ) and recently met up with a guy I'd met online about a month ago. We emailed for a while, then got into a regular texting routine, culminating in meeting about 2 weeks ago.

We got on really well, chatting all night in the pub until it closed, then as I made my excuses to leave I sort of accidentally invited him back to mine...where we ended up kissing and cuddling all night. He left the next morning when I was going to work. We didn't have sex...I've made that mistake before and never heard back from them. Not that it made a difference...it's been 2 weeks now. I was on a bit of a high after the date, totally smitten...I waited til the next day to text him...no response. This was a blatant rejection as he'd always text back before that and if he didn't he'd always give me a reason why.

I know this is standard in the dating world but I just feel a bit hurt and disappointed. I really liked this guy. Obviously he owes me nothing, this was our first time meeting and if there was no indication that the feeling was mutual I'd find it easier to take...but he was all over me all night? Like, why would you bother?

My confidence is a bit low too, I know I'm totally projecting my own issues onto this scenario but I just feel like I'm never the girl that guys are actually interested in,in any real way, I'm always a sort of 'you'll-do', stop-gap girl who they'll just fool around with if the opportunity presents itself. This guy was also quite good-looking, very fit etc...so I'm wondering am I batting out of my league time and time again?

Gah...head all over the place. I know I'm totally over-analysing. I just feel like crap Any ladies out there more adept at dealing with this? Any advice or even just a bit of common sense would be great!

sporina

sometimes the chemistry on line does not transpire in real life..

Maybe he had a different impression of you before you met.

He is a coward for not at least letting you know that it was an unsuitable match.

Or perhaps somethings you said or did put him off - who knows.

Just be yourself and if that is not good enough for him then you will hopefully meet someone for who it is.

fghijkl

My confidence is a bit low too, I know I'm totally projecting my own issues onto this scenario but I just feel like I'm never the girl that guys are actually interested in,in any real way, I'm always a sort of 'you'll-do', stop-gap girl who they'll just fool around with if the opportunity presents itself. This guy was also quite good-looking, very fit etc...so I'm wondering am I batting out of my league time and time again?

Gah...head all over the place. I know I'm totally over-analysing. I just feel like crap Any ladies out there more adept at dealing with this? Any advice or even just a bit of common sense would be great!

I'm mid 20s female, would be considered to be attractive (though beginning to question that... )

Any ladies out there more adept at dealing with this? Any advice or even just a bit of common sense would be great!

OP i can relate to this, i can get dates with guys but it never really goes anywhere either....and at the risk of sounding completely conceited i'm going to thrown a scenario out there:

Could you simply be more attractive than you think? Maybe you're actually the opposite of the stop gap girl? Maybe guys sleep with you because you are in fact (as much as i hate the phrase) out of their league, so they sleep with you/fool around with you because they think wow hot girl wants to sleep with/fool around with/kiss me hell yes! but the next day they think wow that was great but i could never have a relationship with her she's way out of my league. I sound incredibly conceited, i'm far from it, but personally as a reasonably attractive woman, i'm starting to think that it's easier for an average looking person to find someone because it leads to less jealousy/insecurity problems. Also in my case i tend to go for men who wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive, so that in itself poses insecurity problems....

Anyways i'm rambling - practical advice? If he didn't even bother replying to a text then he's an ill mannered git and you're well rid! better to find out now before investing anymore time on him. Keep trying, rejection happens to everyone, yeah it's not nice but try not to dwell on it, don't be afraid to make the first move/initiate contact with guy you really like.

I may be in the minority here but i've never understood the appeal of internet dating, it's just the internet version of a scummy nightclub imho, there are so many men/women on dating sites just looking for an easy shag, judging you on your looks, it's as easy to hide behind a computer screen as it is to hide behind the bravado of alcohol. So just because you meet someone on a dating site, don't forget that it;s an artificial environment and should be taken with a huge pinch of salt, now i know there are genuine people on it ( in the same way there's genuine people in scummy nite clubs too!) but maybe be a bit more wary? I don't think there's any point in dragging out messaging on a dating site, it's better to meet up with the person as soon as you can, that way you're not investing too much time in anyone.

All the best OP

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I now it's not worth worrying about when the guy can't even be bothered to reply to my text, but it's just so hard to align that blatant rejection and inconsideration with the guy I met when I went on that date. He was sweet and interesting and inquisitive about me and then basically jumped me when we got back to the apartment! All the signs were there.

It's fair enough if I'm not what he was expecting and he didn't feel any spark, but surely the decent thing to do in that case is to call it a night, instead of making a move and sticking around all night? I guess I'm just a bit unused to dating and I've never been in this position before. Any first date I've been on in the past has led to a second, or at least further contact. I've been on the other end of this too and I've met guys who I wasn't all that keen on...in fact that last date I went on was a guy I didn't feel much for, I didn't kiss him and I sent the courtesy text the next day. It's not fun for either party but the way I see it, if someone has gone to the effort of spending an evening with you, you sort of owe them that honesty.

Just sucks because I really liked him. Especially after getting intimate and spending what turned out to be 12 hours together on our first date. And Fghijkl, as much as I'd love to believe I am too hot for these guys...I can definitely assure you that's not the problem. 'Cute' is the word that I get most frequently, I'm petite and have good features and take care of myself but I'm not your stereotypical 'hot girl' and I think maybe that's part of it. I'm beginning to think I go for the good-looking guys who want the stunner, but while they're waiting for her to come along, they'll settle for a 'cute' girl like me. I'm sorry if I sound like a complete tosser, it's just sort of the impression I have of how I'm viewed.

Thanks again for the advice. I'll get over this fairly swiftly!

sporina

hi op, you need to have a fairly open mind when it comes to online dating. You will meet those who are actually looking for what ever they say they are, and those who are looking for their bit. Be glad that you did not give him his bit as now you would feel even worse.
Try not to take this too personal - he is a twit. And you sound like such an honest person.
On line dating can work - I know of 3 couples who got married last year because of it.

best of luck - chin up, he is in the wrong here - not you!!!

solovely

it's crap, it's horrible, it doesn't get much easier, but don't let it put you off the dating game completely. There was ways to cope without having to build a wall and cut yourself off completely.

It happens to guys as well remember, so it's not completely their fault. It just happens to us women a bit more because a) we wait for guys to make the first move re: post date contact more and b) if/ when we sleep with them, we take the rejection so much worse because of some biological connection we forged.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have got to date 3 and then nada, nothing, it's as if they've vanished off the face of the earth. And it stinks. Even if you don't fancy them that bad, it still stinks to feel rejected. Even worse than the rejection is the waiting around for them to text/ call, wondering should you text/ call, wondering why they dont like you, wondering have they been killed in an accident. It's horrible.

I have sometimes done the drunk dial/ facebook "why don't you like me?" thing (OK, not quite that bad but along those lines) and even though everyone here will tell you its a crazy move and not to do it, it can actually make you feel a bit better, as at least it gives you closure and stops the waiting around (and you can always blame it on being drunk).

Best ways of coping I find are to keep yourself busy, do other things, be out every night so you're not waiting around for them to text/ call. Also, chat to other single friends who've been through it and rant together...friends in LTRs really don't get it....they will console you telling you you are so amazing and you will find someone when you least expect it (coupled up bull!!). And try find someone new to fancy, just to occupy the part of your brain that thinks about men, just to get him out of your brain. Pick someone random, someone you pass on your way to work every day, a friend of a friend, just someone to have little fantasies about so that you are not thinking about this guy.
And more importantly...get yourself back out there. Jump back in the saddle, don't let one (or in my case, many!!) rejections put you out of the game, you are worth way more than that and have more to offer mankind. And think of each dud as a learning curve, learning more about yourself, how you behave, how men behave, and what you really want. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Good luck!!

And remember next time it will probably be you doing the rejecting, so try to be a bit more sensitive and respectful than that ass has been to you.