confrontation

stupidusername

I hate it hate it hate it!

I avoid it almost at all costs. partly because I don't want to be not liked, partly because I don't want to argue.

my housemate has had his girlfriend over 4 times a week since I moved in (6 weeks ago) and while he kinda has a good reason (she's pregnant) this still means that our esb is being driven up. and i dont just mean because she's here so much, but he puts the heating on almost exclusively when she's here, and always puts on the immersion heater booster because she wants a shower. there's enough hot water for two showers and washing up in a day, so if she wasn't here it wouldn't need to be boosted. i've shown him recently the the heating works off storage heating, so up until then he's been using the booster for heating. which is obviously going to drive the bills up.

(he's asked me to move out, cause she's going to move in, different issue, just i will be leaving in a while)

we got a bill today. he isn't home yet so hasn't seen it. it's 160 which i would consider too high for this time of year. not terribly, but a bit in fairness. i think it's only fair that she pay some of it, or him pay extra on her behalf. i think 30 is fair. i'm not getting paid in my job and i'm flat out broke but this is also a matter of principle.

but i'm assuming he's going to have a problem with it if i bring it up. actually i'd be fairly certain he will. i'm going to be nervous, shakey and sweaty thinking about doing it. if i wasn't so broke then to avoid this i mightn't say anything, but i know i'm right, and i just don't know how to deal with this confronting him. plus what's going to make it difficult is she'll probably be around tonight. these things always turn into arguments, and i just hate it. i am really teary lately too, and don't want to just end up crying. how do i approach this knowing i'm doing the right thing, and deal with whatever the outcome is?

cantdecide

If they wouldn't offer to at least split these types of things by third, that's a bit mean, if she's there most the time. Having said that, if it's more the principal of the matter than the money itself, it might be better to just bite your tongue for the good of your mental health if you're halfway out the door. Two factors here are that either he could be forcing you into confrontation through inconsiderate behaviour to make you want to move. Also, maybe you're just using this as a stick to beat yourself with.

Are you and him mates?

If you decide that this is a fight you definitely want to have, the first thing I'd say to you is start by saying something disarming like 'I have something to put to you and you're probably not going to like it'. The next part will be easier, something like 'effectively, there are three people living here now and I think it's only right that you make me an offer on the light bill'. Round it neatly off with 'I don't want to fall out over it but think about it and get back to me'. Don't get drawn into an argument there and then. Try saying it before you head off to bed so the sun can set and rise on it. Make sure she's not there too.

If you do all this and he still picks a fight over it, just rest assured he's an ass and get on with your life.

stupidusername

that sounds like the perfect way to put it. why can i never think of these things!? she's not here most of the time, 4/7 nights she'll be here but that's significant enough I think. wouldn't expect it split 3 ways but would expect she pay a little chunk. whatever happens she won't be paying, he'll pay on her behalf.

we have been getting on really well, better than anyone i've ever lived with but he still has basically told me to feck off out of there. and wouldn't expect to keep in touch once i'm gone either way. even if it was a stranger, i'd still hate it. just don't like people thinking bad of me.

it's not a fight i definitely want to have, but i'm just that broke that I kinda need to have it. if he gets mean about it i'll just leave it obviously.

the problem is also with trying to get a time when she's not here, to say it. it seems she's here that much.

before i would've been ****ting a brick thinking about this, and could still have a panic attack over it, but mostly i'm just down about it all. but time and time again when i've had something to say things haven't gone well.

he's not exactly proven to be reasonable, as with the telling me to move out, so i suppose that's got me worried too.

thanks for your help

Cantdecide's tactics seem like the best way to go. Don't go to him looking like you're scared. You'll be painting an "attack me" sign on your forehead. Talk as though you you're just letting him know how you feel, and you know you're being perfectly reasonable. No shaky voice, no hesitation. Heat uses up far more electricity than most other forms like light etc. You haven't been using it. You're being nice enough to move out without any hassle. You're not in a position to be paying the extra cash for the heating. You're entitled to say this to him. Be calm and good luck.

stupidusername

good advice people. he's home now. i'm so nervous. he's in his room though. might not get a chance to say it tonight.

stupidusername

ok well the update is:

he was in and gone before i would've had the chance to talk to him. he saw the bill anyway. got home today and was in my room. he started asking me was i ok, and did i get his text last night or was i ignoring him. i asked what text. he texted me 'teasing' me about paying extra on the bill. (I was trying to explain to him a few weeks back about how the storage heating works cause he only used the booster, and he wouldn't believe me that it did work, so i said it wont drive up the bills, if it does i'll pay the difference between that and what the last bill was, after i showed him an article online about it, he believed me).

so i went back out to the kitchen after a while. and he said to me he's going to be leaving the heating off from now on anyway cause he's trying to save money, and he knew it'd be higher with the heater being on (), and that that's why he was texting me, to see if i was ok to pay the bill, as he thought he wouldn't see me (we've both been working a lot of hours). so now i think he may expect me to pay the difference between this bill and the last, cause he thinks i've driven it up!

so i'm thinking i'll just leave my side go. it's going to cause a huge argument, and no way in hell am i paying the 'extra' bit. if he expects me to pay it it'll all come out, but if he doesn't then it'll be let go. i'll pay half into his account. still wish i had the guts to do it cause this doesn't make sense. but doubt i'd get through to him anyway.

thought i might save my energy for confronting my boss, when i have to. somehow i think i'll find that easier.