My boyfriend was sexually abused when he was a kid. How can I support him?

gitizzy

Well I had at a thread a few weeks ago about want to have kids with him but he didn't want to in case he failed to protect them!
We I have asked him to contact 1 in 4 but he won't. He says he tried them before and they weren't much help on the phone so he said there was no point. He found them pushy!
Well to start off with. He was abused from around 11 to 15. He hasn't told me much. He says that he has no happy memories of being young just these one's. He can't forget and I understand that. He often sad and I can tell he is crying on the inside as well as sometimes in his sleep. He puts a big smile on everything and pretends everything is okay but I know things aren't.
He eats a lot and feels safer big. I have no problem with him being over weight. He has a lot of anger and mainly takes it out on himself. He has never once laid a finger on me he is really a soft teddy bear.
He has a massive fear of not being believed and it wrecking his family of he speaks out about the abuse. He has no evidence of it happening just his memories. He often even says that he would be better off dead and that he hates himself. I think he is suffering from depression!
What should I do?

Morag

Get him to go to his dr and as for a referal to a counsellor/theraphist, or get him to contace www.bodywhys.ie they deal in eating disorders and tbh he has one of those.

Pebbles68

I doubt he cares about his weight considering the history of sexual abuse. Sadly things are unlikely to change for him unless he can decide that he will look for professional help. You don't make it clear what upsets him the most, is it that he was abused or is it the fact that he cannot report the abuser. Either way there are places he can go for help but he needs to make that choice. Best of luck to you both.

LegacyUser

Firstly, I would recommend that your husband seeks professional help. His GP may be able to refer him to a therapist/counsellor with the expertise in such a field. It is important to recognise that some therapists and clients do not click so he may need the find the one that's right for him.

As someone who has been in his shoes, I can tell you that if he goes through with trying to deal with his past that it will be one of the most painful experiences of his life but it will also be one of his greatest achievements. It will also be a difficult period for you too as he'll have a lot of ups and downs but he is lucky to have you supporting him.

First and foremost, I would for you to buy him a book called "THE COURAGE TO HEAL" as it will relate directly to his issues. It costs around €20.00 (well it did in 2004!) and you will be able to buy it online or in a bookshop that has a psychology-type section (I purchased it in easons). That book saved my life and was recommended to me by my therapist.

Now I can happily regard myself as 'normal' knowing that there is no such thing and I am so fortunate as my life is not controlled by my past anymore.

gitizzy

He is angry with himself mainly. He blames himself for letting it happen. He says he just layed there and let it happen. He didn't try and stop him or nothing. He says this is because at the time he thought it was meant to happen. I told him he didn't know what was happening and it wasn't his fault.
He is still in contact with the man he is actually a blood relative. He says that he feels that he won't be believed over the man and that he has no proof!

LegacyUser

gitizzy wrote: »

He says that he feels that he won't be believed over the man and that he has no proof!

He doesn't need proof in order to seek help. If he were initiating a prosecution or civil case, that may become a factor, but if he is looking to help himself heal and to improve his life and your life together, then it's not an issue. What he needs to address are his feelings about it and the right counselling won't be judgmental or looking for proof in any way. His feelings aren't susceptible to proof and the right people to help won't look for it.

LegacyUser

Hi gitizzy,

Firstly my heart goes out to you and your boyfriend. I'm in my late 20's and experienced similar myself when younger. I think everyone that has experienced something similar finds it very difficult not to blame themselves.

I know you mentioned your boyfriend found 1 in 4 not very helpful, however I'd really encourage him to try and contact them again to arrange a face to face meeting with one of their councillors. I found it very useful.

Saying that it is always going to be difficult getting over the nightmares of what happened. I never comfort ate but being honest do drink to excess from time to time, trying to "forget." This brings it's own problems.

However, what I do find good, is getting out and about, exercising and basically trying to fill my day with as much as possible so I don't think of things.

Your boyfriends needs to try and avoid any contact with the blood relative, as seeing him again may bring everything back and hurt his emotional progress.

It's not easy, but I wish you both the best.

LegacyUser

Like the above post said, it is natural for him to blame himself but it is something he can overcome. The most hardest part I think for most people to acknowledge is that your body has betrayed you by getting aroused and that can be the root of people really hating, blaming and despising themselves. The proper counselling will help.

Also, he needs to forget about his need to tell his family for the moment. Them knowing really doesn't make any difference in the grand scheme of things - him forgiving himself is what matters.

In reality, we cannot control how people will react to us and we do put expectations on the outcomes of some things: we create an expectation of how we want them to act and when they don't, we get hurt. At this stage, he would only be hurting himself in expecting others to meet his needs - only he has the power to heal himself.

Again, I would urge ye to purchase THE COURAGE TO HEAL!!!!!

gitizzy

Thanks!
I found it helpful.
I just have to be there for him.
The guy that abused him he meets when he is a home and at family events. He acts really nice to everyone and especially to my boyfriend. This man acts perfect to everyone he nearly has a halo. He often comes up to him and rubs his back for a few minutes and he has the cheek to say to him if there is anything you want to talk to me about you can!