How much should you tell someone

LegacyUser

Been seeing a great guy for a while now. I've fallen for him hook, line and sinker. Thing is i've always been one of these people that's kept my guard up, don't know if I should just let it down and let him in completely. I've had quiet a difficult life you see and that's why I put a wall up. Should I let him in on my past he already knows small bits but i've a few skeletons in the closet (not necessarily stuff i've done) and I want him to know me properly but find it hard to let people in and to be a bit vulnerable if that makes sense.

LegacyUser

If you like him enough, trust him enough to tell him some more about you. Walls can appear like disinterest on your part, which in the long run could actually make you even more vulnerable.

You don't have to tell him everything, piece by piece as you get to know him should do. Everyone has a past and everyone has skeletons in the closet. It's all part of a developing relationship to let someone know the real you and for you to get to know them.

What's the worst that can happen? If he can't cope with a few skeletons in the closet he may not be the man for you, better to find this out in the early stages.

LighterGuy

It depends on what these skeltons are to be honest.

Somethings, its best to come forward before they find out.
Other things should be buried and kept in the past.

All depends on what it is.

Miss Fluff

Being in love with someone doesn't mean you have to purge yourself of all your secrets. Try and be more open and work through breaking down some barriers but some skeletons (depending on what they are) are best left in the back of a securely locked cupboard. I'd call it a need to know basis....

Corkblowin

I'd agree with miss fluff - In my first serious relationship after my marriage split I told all - but ended up with her having nagging doubts which created difficulties elsewhere in our relationship & we ended up splitting. Over time you can let things in, but if he doesn't ask........
I'm now in the need to know camp.

LegacyUser

I was in this position once. i told some very personal stuff to a guy i was in love with. when we broke up (completely and definitely unrelated to what i had told him) a couple of weeks later, i regretted that more than anything. in future, i will hold off til its a seriously committed relationship. u can always tell him another time, but u cant take it back once it's done. i understand wanting to share stuff thats important to u tho, and maybe if u feel you're on very solid ground with him, and if u end up breaking up eventually that u wont b upset knowing he knows deeply personal stuff about u, then no harm in telling him. good luck!

Lady von Purple

If you're not ready to tell him your secrets, that's understandable. But it might be an idea to tell him that you're a defensive person, and that if you seem a little bit guarded, it's nothing to do with him. The longer the relationship goes on, the more secure you feel, the more you share. It's perfectly fine to let him in little by little. Just so long as none of these skeletons could be a dealbreaker in the relationship.

flowerchild

Work out what you are comfortable with and what they are comfortable with. If you disclose and your partner does not, how would you feel?

In the end, just be yourself, warts and all. Think of it as letting them know who they are with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. Well none of the skeletons should be dealbreakers and if they were i'd be better off without him anyways. His family are very open and honest people and tell each other everything, they even tell me lots of stuff. I just don't want him or his family thinking "awh poor ***, sure god love her." or looking at me different.

Sleepy

Let him in slowly... figure out what you're least uncomfortable about sharing and divulge that secret, see how he deals with it (i.e. can he keep it to himself etc.) and proceed from there. Simples.

PK2008

It depends- if 'letting him in' means it helps him understand you more and get closer then yes, its a risk but thats what makes for great relationships

...but if 'letting him in' means dumping all your emotional problems on him and expecting him to fix you then no- you need to work that stuff out yourself

LegacyUser

PK2008 wrote: »

It depends- if 'letting him in' means it helps him understand you more and get closer then yes, its a risk but thats what makes for great relationships

...but if 'letting him in' means dumping all your emotional problems on him and expecting him to fix you then no- you need to work that stuff out yourself

I thought it was obvious in my posts that I keep things to myself as I don't like people giving me the whole sympathy thing? If I'm unsure about even telling my bf my problems how on gods name would I dump them on him? I have been working my "stuff" out for years that's the whole point.