Just realized I have problems...

LegacyUser

First time posting here after some contemplation. I'm a 19 year old male (almost 20) living at home. I'm currently unemployed but I am going to college next year. I have kept my problems on the inside for too long and I am going mad at the realization I have done so for so long and also that I've been so reluctant to sort them out, and wasted so much time. I'll try and keep it summarized for the most part

My parents divorced at the age of 7 and to summarize it was a violent and abusive relationship towards the end which I experienced first hand from the age of 6 or so. When my father left home my siblings and I would visit him but further complications which I will not go into left just me and my younger sister talking to him

A few years on my mother started seeing another man who was not very nice to say the least. He abused my siblings and I on a number of occasions and overall was not very nice, I did not want another person to replace my father. During this time I got very upset (age 11 or so). I started to visit my Dad a lot more in his house and tell him all about it. This caused a kind of label to be stuck to me as a "tell tale". My mother to this day still doesn't fully like the fact that I talk to my father and have a relationship with him but I am sick of hearing it from her and she will have to deal with it

Here is where it gets a little weird, at the age of 12/13 (before I started secondary school), my Dad just vanished out of my life. My nan (his mother) had died recently and of course at first I figured he needed some time alone. Nope. Never heard from him nor did he respond to my texts or calls. I started secondary school with my younger brother who is ten months younger than me that year and I was really upset. This was the last thing I needed. Through secondary school I was very upset, I gained a lot of weight (I take restorability for this but it ties in with something later) and I didn't like school very much. I dealt with it for 3 years or so but then my grades started falling and I lost all interest with anything. I stopped going to school for a while and eas really upset. In the end I got my leaving but just the points I needed by the skin of my teeth.

Recently and towards the end of school my mother developed a bad drinking habit and to this day still has it, though I and my siblings and helped her through it. In school this used to annoy me cause I would come home to an empty house with no one to talk too

Through school I never liked anyone much and labelled everyone quite harshly. I was quite annoyed afterwards when school was over that I never tried harder to make more friends or not to judge people so harshly. So here I am today quite lonely, not many friends (I have my handful of best friends but only see them once a week/fortnight), the rest of the time I'm always bored and lonely. I stay in my bedroom most of the time or visit my Dad. That's my life in a nutshell. I'm in a comfort zone and I know I am but I want to get out of it and make friends and live life more like I see everyone else do. I want to get out of this rut. I also don't know if I should approach my Dad about all the years he didn't respond or care to see me at all, 'cause sometimes I get angry thinking about it and I want to ask him badly but I don't want him to get angry

I have some weight on me and I think this is stopping me from doing what I want. I'm very self conscious and I have no confidence at all. I'm not hugely overweight at all just a couple of stone I would say. I think if I lost it I would have more of a chance as it would raise my confidence and appearance. I don't know whether I should visit a psychologist or not it would it be a waste of time? I want to tell someone my problems but not a family member. I think I've wasted enough time and I want to get out of this zone I am in currently

browsergal

Firstly, I would like to say that in writing that post, you are taking a step to make life better so be proud! I don't know if the rest of this will be a help, but I thought i'd continue writing.

As somebody who has experienced therapy and counselling, I would highly recommend it but it is seriously important that you find the right one as the wrong one will make you feel disheartened. Colleges usually provide free counselling services so that could be an option for you when you attend college?

But there is one thing to remember: I would never under-estimate the power you do actually hold. I don't mean to sound harsh: you may think you have problems, but believe me you are a normal human being! The saying "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" is apt: learn to develop real friendships with your friends - chances are they're not feeling so comfortable and fulfilled in themselves either!

Also, it may be worth making a list and recognising the things that are going right for you in life: you did achieve the points you wanted in the leaving cert, you have friends and a family who deep down do care for you.

One of the biggest misconceptions that we have are that our parents are meant to be this idealistic vision that we learn from t.v., etc. Not all families are like that and we forget that our parents are only human too - that breakups and life events can create reactions in them that as children we judge and find flawed.

And last but not least (jeez -i've been harping on!) realise that you are still so young and you have such an adventure (otherwise known as life) ahead of you. It maybe time to start thinking of the future and making plans rather than continuously looking at the past and being hurt by those who let you down. Also exercise is great for endorphins!

Best of luck! I have every confidence in you!

LegacyUser

That's a tough set of circumstances to deal with OP. You've done well to survive what has been a very difficult childhood and young adulthood. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Unfortunately we cant choose our family but it doesn't mean your future is doomed. I second your idea to talk to someone.

You can request counselling if you visit your GP they will put you on a waiting list for free counselling. I am going now and it is a great help. It will help you not just understand your past but help you move forward and make something good for yourself.

The weight thing. Tackle it gradually. A couple of stone can be gone in a few months. Do something small each day to tackle it and that way you'll feel you are doing something and slowly but surely it will move. Get walking or cycling. The weather is getting better. It's therapy alone getting out and doing some excersise

This will also help your happy hormones.

It's very hard when you have gone through so much at your age. I take off my hat to you for trying to do something to help yourself. Your efforts won't be wasted. all the best op