Anyone else lose all confidence when they go out driving with family members?

HFoyle

Hello.

I'm learning to drive at 25. I'm job seeking and missed out on two jobs by not having a full license so I can't put it off anymore. I'm currently on lesson 7 of 10 with an instructor. Getting on great with her. I've never conked out or stalled on my lessons, she tells me I have great clutch control, I make good progress and I come home feeling confident and looking foward to my next lesson.

However, I picked up my first car on Friday and my father took me out to a quiet car park yesterday and....................:mad: What can I say? I felt so anxious, I conked out a car for the first time ever, I was coasting in 2nd and after about 10 minutes my nerves were shot, my confidence was gone and I had a belter of a headache. I feel terrible now today because I thought I was going good and making progress.

Of course the old man is playing the victim and not talking to me now :rolleyes: and I've told him I'm not blaming him or anything but it was his whole 'attitude'. My instructor is so calm and when she points out a fault she offers a solution and I fix it and on we go. My father kept saying 'Why did you do that?' Or else 'YOU'RE COASTING' without offering a way for me to fix it other than just saying do it again or worse still making me sit in the passengers seat while he demonstrates.

I'll need him to accompany me. (If he ever speaks to me again that is ) Mother and brother can't drive so I'm going to have to find a way to cope with his 'technique'.

Has anyone else had problems going out driving with family. What can I do to relax or to get him to change his teaching methods without him taking it personally and sulking.

Cheers,
Hugh.

ADIDriving

One quick suggestion. Do any of your friends have full licences.

Ideo

go out on your own around a car parl or industrial estate on a sunday morning if you feel confident about doing so. its nerve wracking for sure but if you're instructor is giving you good indications of you progress then perhaps you should forget about your dad and what he is saying etc!

im 26 and just passed. started learning last year at 25 so not a million miles away from where you are coming from

rsom

Ask your instructor if she would be agreable to your dad sitting in on a lesson!

That's what I do for my students when their parents start undoing all the good confidence building work I've done.

Shellygoose

I bet your father has been driving donkeys years. And I also bet that hes slightly more nervous then you in the car....the reason for this is because hes not in control (Is he gripping the door handle and using his "imagery" brake?)

It can be very hard when you've been driving for years to put yourself back into the mind set of a learner driver. And because your getting anxious hes picking up on that.

When my friend was learning to drive i offered to take her out. Her boyfriend had been taking her out all along, but like you she was stressed off her head and they ended up not speaking for days. When i was in the car with her, i just let her get on with it. I didnt tell her when to change gears etc, just told her to listen to the car and she'd know herself. She relaxed SOOOO much and just got on with it.

I happened to be in the car one day with her and her boyfriend and I couldnt believe how much he was talking AT her...almost commanding her driving. I got really annoyed with him and told him just to let her do it herself. Needless to say he got in a huff, but my friend drove like a pro for the rest of the journey. He was impressed with that and admitted that he felt out of control and thats why he was so over-barring.

So maybe you should ask a friend or another relation to take you out. But before you do ask them NOT to talk and just let you get on with it haha!

DazMarz

My mother is/was the worst for that... "MIND THE PEDESTRIAN!"

"he's on the other side of the <SNIP> motorway..."

etc. ad nauseum

But some people are better at being passengers than others, tbh. It's just a matter of being as reassuring as possible.

But I defo found that the instructor is the best person ever to have in the car, as they do put you so at ease!

elbee

OP, it's not just you!!

I get on great with my mother. She is a lovely person and a great driver. Cannot stress that enough.

But she puts me so much on edge when we go out driving! She says that when she seems me driving she thinks 'But she's only a child, I should be doing this!'. I am 27.

We're also both naturally anxious people, so we make each other worse. One example - I was about to turn right from one road on to another. There was no traffic, we were in a quiet housing estate two minutes from my house. I was about to pull out when I noticed a cyclist approaching from the left, so I stopped to let her go. No problem at all. Except that my mother yelled 'F***, THERE'S A **** ON A BIKE!' which made me think 'OK, the cyclist was about 100 yards away when I saw her, she was going slowly and I saw her and let her go. Was that a dangerous situation, because to me it looked perfectly safe. . .?'

I won't even tell you what the second word was, my keyboard might melt.

Luckily I have a sympathetic friend and am on their insurance and I'm taking plenty of lessons but I've had to completely stop going out with my mother. It's an awful pain because I'm getting about half the practice I used to but the good news is it's been a while since I've cried!

ztoical

I drove with my mum once when learning to drive and never again. She kept screaming I was speeding when I wasn't even near the speed limit then started yelling at me to stop and I freaked thinking I'd done something wrong and it was only because she wanted to go into a shop we'd just passed. Even now, even though I've held a full licence for a few years she's still a pain in the car, recently screaming at me for speeding on the motorway when we first got on it and I hadn't even got to 80. My dad on the other hand was great when I was learning...I think he was just amused with being driven around after years of him driving me everywhere.

XcupcakeX

I was hesitant about learning to drive but after much nagging from my boyfriend I decided to give it a go....
Off we went to a deserted industrial estate, I got in the drivers seat and away I went.... I started saying 'oh cr*p' (just to vent my nerves, not because I was doing anything wrong).
After about 30-40 seconds of this I hear 'right pull over' and he gave up and drove us home.
He still to this day complains that I don't drive

Permabear

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elbee

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I think I may get this tattooed on my body somewhere. If a learner is doing something dangerous, there are better ways than screaming to get it across.

psycho-hope

yep me and mum get on grand normally but my god shes a rubbish passanger, always fiddling around and telling me to do this that and the other all the complete opposite of what my instructor said:rolleyes:

My grandfather used to be the same when I was learning until finally I had enough and snapped at him that I hadnt been driving for 50 years and things that seem obvious to him were NOT obvious to me.
He apologised and calmed down a lot after that, and so did I

I dont suppose it would work for you, but maybe if you explain you're nervous enough already and you need a bit of patience it might help

What perma said about existing tensions is spot on I reckon

Shellygoose

Ah does anyone remember Keeping Up Apperances? Mrs Bucket giving out to poor husband Richard while he was driving

Mrs Bucket: Watch the lorry."
Richard: "Which lorry?"
Mrs B: "There you see, you can't even see the lorry!"
R: "Well where is it?!"
Mrs B: "Parked over there."
R: "Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway?!"
Mrs B: "I don't think I like your tone Richard."

That woman would drive you mad!! Imagine having her in the car while learning

leahyl

Shellygoose wrote: »

Ah does anyone remember Keeping Up Apperances? Mrs Bucket giving out to poor husband Richard while he was driving

Mrs Bucket: Watch the lorry."
Richard: "Which lorry?"
Mrs B: "There you see, you can't even see the lorry!"
R: "Well where is it?!"
Mrs B: "Parked over there."
R: "Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway?!"
Mrs B: "I don't think I like your tone Richard."

That woman would drive you mad!! Imagine having her in the car while learning

I was just gonna post the exact same thing!!
"Mind the pedestrian Richaaard"
"she's on the pavement"
"yes but she could step out suddenly DEEEAR"!

Ya i've had a few incidents with my dad when i was learning too, so much so that i actually nearly crashed the car once but that's for another day....:D

witchgirl26

I love my mam but hate driving with her in the car. She always starts with "Now I don't want to correct you but...." or "If that was me....". Also has a bad habit of gripping things in the car (although that bit is in everyone's car, learner or no, so feel a bit better about that).
My sister on the other hand is great. She pushes me to do things right but doesn't do it in a bad way. She's really patient as well & just lets me get on with & will only correct me if I'm doing something really wrong.
OP my brother played the "victim" as well after coming out with me once or twice. I'm grateful he did come out but it wasn't worth it for the hassle I got about it. What's worse is that he isn't the best driver so I ended up ignoring most of what he said....just needed someone in the car! :P

elbee

My mother grips the door when I do things like take a corner slowly, in second gear, when there are no other cars around.

I actually told her once that if I did crash, holding the door was unlikely to help much. She still did it a few more times though!

mwc

I feel your pain!!

Brings me right back, I was in my late 20's when i did my test...found family a nightmare when teaching me.. just clashed.

it wasnt until on my own in the car that I actually "Got" driving when i had to think for my self.

wishing you the best with it!

candy_pants

Ditto to all of this!!

I love my parents but I'm 26 and only now getting back into driving after 4/5 years of being a nervous wreck. As my new instructor is now telling me, 'the ability is there' but I need to work on my confidence.

I had a string of lessons for my 21st and was flying but not insured so couldn't practice. A few months later I finally had insurance, went driving with my dad, and long story short - a few shouting matches, stalls, and tears later I got out and refused to get back in. Have probably only driven a handful of times since. Mum isn't much better screaming at me to indicate in an empty field when I absentmindedly forgot to and then not speaking to me after that disastrous session.

Definitely best not to go out driving with loved ones while you're learning...

**Timbuk2**

They don't calm down too much if you pass the test either!

My mother was always comfortable with me driving, but still not great to learn with. She would often just shout "Hold it!" or "Stop" and I'd say Why?, and she'd say "There's a parking space just there outside the bakery, park there and I'll run in". It was extremely annoying. Plus she'd often try and get me in really small spaces - reverse parallel parking on a busy street is stressful when learning, nevermind a space that is just about the length of the car and no more.

My dad used to comment everytime I made a gear change that wasn't smooth. Annoying as it's not something you can just 'fix' instantly, it's just something that comes with experience.

And then a few weeks ago while driving to Dublin on the three-lane section of the M1.
Him: "Why are you all the way over here?" referring to me being in the leftmost lane.
Me: "Because I'm not overtaking".
Him: "But you're the only one"
Me: "Well... yea... but lots of people are in that middle lane when they shouldn't be."
Him: doubtful noise

But my dad is a bad passenger for everyone, no matter who it is - if it's not him driving, he "can't relax" (his words).

Skyrim

I'd be usually fairly nervous when driving with a family member, mostly my big brother. I guess I'm just afraid to do damage to his car. I sometimes drive the car by myself when I help the boss man with farming. I see what you're getting at though. I'd be nervous enough reversing, decent at it but always afraid i'll reverse it into the wall.

starlit

Hey OP, I really do feel your pain! I'm in the same boat as yourself. I was great at the start learning with my mam, I picked things up quickly and wasn't too nervous I hadn't a clue what I was doing though! It was good to start off with the basics with her but when it came to going on the main road for the first time after learning to control the car and move it etc I had to go to an instructor for the first time going on the road, as my mam wouldn't have had the nerves or patience letting me out on the road the first attempt, but when I went out with her on the main road after going out on the main road with the instructor it was a very frightening experience. Our hearts were out our mouths, she thought after one lesson with a driving instructor I'd be a pro going out on the road the first time with my mam!? Like that would happen to anyone it be a miracle!

I got used to driving on the road though with her but she was more nervous than me, she still grips the side door to this day, I'v been learning for over 2 years! I wasn't as nervous when starting off learning to drive and when I changed to another driving instructor I improved in my driving a bit. I stopped driving for a while as I was getting frustrated from not progressing with my driving while learning with my mother. Went back driving again and got this sudden feeling of being anxious and nervous and extreme lack of confidence when it came to driving. Even on a road I knew very well, knew all the turns etc.

If my mother is nervous it makes me nervous and if a situation is going to be difficult to deal with I panic i.e. not being able to pull out at a junction after 5 attemps mam would have to take over and that sort of thing would make anyone go up the wall and upset! No other person in my family is willing to learn with me and I am afraid to go off to somewhere secluded to learn myself as I am afraid I won't be able to handle the car! Other situations have frightened the life out of me and not knowing what to do, or just do what is the right thing to do and try to pull out and not conk out. My judgement is poor and decision making is impaired because of my nerves and lack of confidence. Its that sort of thing makes me think I shouldn't be on the road, even with a good driving instructor won't help me get passed that if that is the case and that is worrying for me and feel that I have had to take a break from the driving again before feeling any bit confident of getting on the road again. Is it worth to keep learning? Just the nerves are getting to me so I understand completely where you are coming from OP!

Good luck with the motoring!

cassiedoll

i have only recently passed my test aswell and i actually found it better to go out with friends who were only driving a few more years than me not like my father and brother who were driving decades and at my nerves shot to pieces and had really put me off driving.

on the other hand...when i pased my test, only then would my mother come out in the car and i think i should point out she has never driven a car in her life but yet thinks that she can correct me.

after months of....hissing and screeching and grabbing the door and pushing her feet to the floor if i did over 40..i couldnt take anymore...

i told her that if she wanted a lift anywhere...i had no problem with that but if she made a noise as described above, i would stop the car and leave her there.....and she knew i would...so ever since then as become a model passenger

Sparkie93

i have had a good few lessons so far and i was getting fairly confident driving my instructors car until i tried driving with my dad total nightmare he kept trying to control everything i did like when to change gears etc he distracted me so much that i forgot to press in the clutch when i stopped at a traffic light i nearly ended up in the back of the car in front of me

Skyrim

I'd prefer just to go to a quiet road and try things out, not overboard like, consider myself decent enough at reversing and finally getting the hang of moving off smoothly, would either of these be the most difficult parts of driving, hoping for a heartening aswer .

Sparkie93

Skyrim wrote: »

I'd prefer just to go to a quiet road and try things out, not overboard like, consider myself decent enough at reversing and finally getting the hang of moving off smoothly, would either of these be the most difficult parts of driving, hoping for a heartening aswer .

i found hillstarts the worst i still roll back a bit or else i jerk forwards