Online dating weirdness

LegacyUser

I was chatting to a guy on an online dating site, and it was going really well. So, he asks for my photo after a while.

Him: "Sorry to be shallow but can I ask to see your pic?"
Me: "That's not shallow, no problem"

I then send him a few pics

Him: "Wow, I was not expecting you to look like that, to be honest. You are a really good-looking girl"
Me: "Thanks!"
Him: "Ok, gotta run, talk to you soon hopefully!"

Since then, nothing. And that was a week ago. I did send him an email three days ago, a casual one. He didn't reply and has been online since then. Obviously, I've accepted that that's that.

So, what the hell happened? I'm no closer to figure out men in my late 20s than I was as a teenager.

andreac

Its not rocket science really.
You sent him a pic, he doesnt fancy you, he was letting you down by not replying and didnt want to insult you by saying he didnt like your pic.

You are better off to have a pic up on your profile so people who click on you from the word go know who they are looking at and dont have to go through mailing someone a few times then getting a pic and not fancying them after seeing the pic.
I dont know why people go on dating sites and dont put up a pic, doesnt make sense
Ive done the online dating thing and wouldnt chat to blank profiles at all. If someone doesnt have a pic up then theres obviously a reason for it.

As someone else said on a thread about online dating on boards, people dont go around with paper bags over their heads in pubs/clubs so why wouldnt you put up a pic on a dating site?

cafecolour

I'd guess you weren't his type.

But really, one of the perils of online dating is that people flake a lot - you can get to invested in one person (especially who you haven't met). You have to sort through a lot of folks to find someone you have a connection with. I've personally had best success chatting with a number of folks, meeting in person (just for an hour over coffee) pretty quickly into things to see if we click. Maybe I'm picky, but we're talking maybe 1 out of 10 guys I meet do I even want to move on to a 2nd date with.

mood

andreac wrote: »

Its not rocket science really.
You sent him a pic, he doesnt fancy you, he was letting you down by not replying and didnt want to insult you by saying he didnt like your pic.

You are better off to have a pic up on your profile so people who click on you from the word go know who they are looking at and dont have to go through mailing someone a few times then getting a pic and not fancying them after seeing the pic.
I dont know why people go on dating sites and dont put up a pic, doesnt make sense
Ive done the online dating thing and wouldnt chat to blank profiles at all. If someone doesnt have a pic up then theres obviously a reason for it.

As someone else said on a thread about online dating on boards, people dont go around with paper bags over their heads in pubs/clubs so why wouldnt you put up a pic on a dating site?

+ 1

Just put a photo up.

I once had a similar experience, a friend of my dad's tried to set me up with his daughter (no joke!). Anyway, she texted me for a little while and sent me a photo. I sent her one back and never heard from her again.

It might be best if you put a photo on your profile, that way you'd be more likely to get responses from people who would be attracted to you.

seenitall

Some posters on here seem to believe that the only possible reason that one can have for not putting the photo up is ugliness. Not so.

I am confident about my looks, but recently I haven't been putting my pics up on dating sites because where I live is small and I am kind of paranoid of losing my anonymity. Privacy in these matters is important to me. The OP's reasons could be similar?

(I have yet another reason, BTW, that is I am pretty confident that once I send the photo to someone it will be liked - experience talking - so that area of things is a non-issue for me; I am these days more interested in meeting guys whose first thoughts aren't around photos - although granted, they are a rare breed, but all the more special for that! :cool:)

OP, if you don't want to put your photos up, you can just send them along early on in the conversations/e-mailing.

Best wishes.

Zen65

Online Datress wrote: »

So, what the hell happened? I'm no closer to figure out men in my late 20s than I was as a teenager.

Op,

I'm guessing he saw your pic and realised you were out of his league, by which I mean he felt he is not as attractive as you. He may have had experiences with better-looking girls and "knows" they won't stay with him for long because (he thinks) they found that better-looking guys were also interested in them.

Yes, in some aspects the world is a shallow place.

A potentially more sinister interpretation is that when he found you were good-looking he "knew" you were less likely to fit his ideal of somebody who would be needy and more easily manipulated.

Be at peace,

Z

kevin99

Agree with all above comments.

Don't dwell on it for long.

Why not offer to send a photo if you don't want to upload a photo to the site?

That way you will now straight away if the guy likes your picutre.

Afraid in ths day and age guys and girls put looks above everything else.
Goes back to the Celtic Tiger, Premiership footballers wives and Gfs(WAGs) all of whom are dyed blonde and covered in make-up;and people in soaps and reality TV shows.

Shallow people believe we all must fit a particular stereotype. Looks are more important than brains.

TommyKnocker

kevin99 wrote: »

Afraid in this day and age guys and girls put looks above everything else.
Goes back to the Celtic Tiger, Premiership footballers wives and Gfs(WAGs) all of whom are dyed blonde and covered in make-up;and people in soaps and reality TV shows.

Shallow people believe we all must fit a particular stereotype. Looks are more important than brains.

I know that the Celtic Tiger is responsible for a lot of Irelands woes, but are you honestly saying that it's only since the Celtic tiger that folks pick potential dates based on looks?

I am 48 and back in the early 80's when we went to disco's and waited for the slow set to ask girls to dance , myself and all my mates asked girls we liked the look of. And I am sure that the girls accepted or rejected the request for a dance based on what they thought of how we looked, as at that point neither party had had the chance to gauage the other persons personality or level of intelligence. And I would bet if you asked your parents and grandparents, it would be exactly the same.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and IMHO initial attraction will always be based on physical attributes as what else is going to attracrt you to somebody you don't already know?

Katgurl

Jesus Christ, him not liking look of her is NOT the only explanation.

He might have scored someone in the Non-cyber world that evening and spent week in bed with her.

OR

He might have recognised her. Op, did you see his pic? He could be your ex, your colleague, your brother (yuck) or he could be best friends with a guy who for the last ten years has been obsessed with you.

Yes he might also not like look of you but it's not only explanation.

I did online dating for a while btw and I defo recommend putting pics up.

Rocket19

Zen65 wrote: »

Op,

I'm guessing he saw your pic and realised you were out of his league, by which I mean he felt he is not as attractive as you. He may have had experiences with better-looking girls and "knows" they won't stay with him for long because (he thinks) they found that better-looking guys were also interested in them.

Yes, in some aspects the world is a shallow place.

A potentially more sinister interpretation is that when he found you were good-looking he "knew" you were less likely to fit his ideal of somebody who would be needy and more easily manipulated.

Be at peace,

Z

Lol. What bull****.
He probably just didn't like her.
I honestly don't mean that in a nasty way, everyone has different tastes and perhaps she didn't fit his, but to suggest she was too hot for him to even talk to just sounds ridiculous and removed from reality. It sounds like something you'd tell someone to spare their feelings.

Come on, most 'ugly' guys who get a chance to score out of their league will take it. Its kind of like the bull**** peope spin like "very pretty girls don't get approached because no-one feels good enough to approach them". Poppycock.

Forget about that guy, it strikes me as funny that he went OTT ("Wow!") when he doesn't appear interested in taking it further, but hey, people are weird. Very rude that he just blatantly stopped talking to you too, even if he didn't feel the 'spark'. But who wants to be with someone like that anyway.

Good luck!

kevin99

TommyKnocker wrote: »

I know that the Celtic Tiger is responsible for a lot of Irelands woes, but are you honestly saying that it's only since the Celtic tiger that folks pick potential dates based on looks?


I am 48 and back in the early 80's when we went to disco's and waited for the slow set to ask girls to dance , myself and all my mates asked girls we liked the look of. And I am sure that the girls accepted or rejected the request for a dance based on what they thought of how we looked, as at that point neither party had had the chance to gauage the other persons personality or level of intelligence. And I would bet if you asked your parents and grandparents, it would be exactly the same.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and IMHO initial attraction will always be based on physical attributes as what else is going to attracrt you to somebody you don't already know?

I suppose what I was trying to say is that the Celtic Tiger reared a lot of immature, spoiled brats who got everything handed to them from mummy and daddy and therefore treated their peers like ****e. They were mostly the ones covered in makeup wearing the lastest designer clothes. They have not learned to respect people whatever their looks.

metrovelvet

Zen65 wrote: »

Op,

A potentially more sinister interpretation is that when he found you were good-looking he "knew" you were less likely to fit his ideal of somebody who would be needy and more easily manipulated.

Be at peace,

Z

Is that a common perception? That good looking girls are not needy and harder to manipulate than their less attractive counterparts?

LegacyUser

It happened to me too when I dabbled in online dating. I don't think I've a face like the back of a bus by any means but, I'd not be a beauty queen either. Either way, once I sent a picture, the guys disappeared. Didn't even get a comment on my appearance like what the original poster got but contact fizzled out pretty quickly after that. It's not as if they were Adonis either but I could only take from it that I wasn't their type for whatever reason. Attraction is very much in the eye of the beholder

I know it would be better to stick up a photo but I'm terrified of someone I know spotting me. I notice on some non dating related sites, they've got some sort of affiliate thing going with the dating sites and they seem to be sticking up random galleries of people on the dating sites. So someone I know know who'd be looking at their email or some news could see my mugshot.

Zen65

metrovelvet wrote: »

Is that a common perception? That good looking girls are not needy and harder to manipulate than their less attractive counterparts?

Not quite.

People (not specific to either gender) are easier to manipulate if their self-esteem is not high. People invest a lot of self-esteem in their appearance, so if they are very plain-looking they are more likely to have a lower self-image. Conversely people who are more attractive and who display signs of caring about their appearance (which can be seen in their grooming, make-up, etc) are more likely to have higher self-esteem.

There are plenty of exceptions to this. For example people who are very attractive may attribute too much self-worth to their appearance, and thus be easily deflated by the onset of wrinkles, or a zit, or an uneven sun-tan and thus feel very insecure. Actors and models being good examples of professions where frail self-esteem is rampant.

Op described a situation wherein the man she was speaking to described himself as shallow, which suggests that he could fall into either one of those extremes. It may also suggest that he is looking for a specific "type" of person. I'm probably reaching a bit when I suggest his possible predatory nature as I'm currently researching & teaching self-defence for women. On another day the idea might not have occurred to me.

Apologies for going a bit off-thread with this response.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all the responses.

The reason I didn't put a picture up is that Ireland is a small country and still has a lot of judgemental people out there!

As to me being better-looking than him, nope he was gorgeous! (Well I thought so anyway)

kevin99

happened_to_me_too wrote: »

It happened to me too when I dabbled in online dating. I don't think I've a face like the back of a bus by any means but, I'd not be a beauty queen either. Either way, once I sent a picture, the guys disappeared. Didn't even get a comment on my appearance like what the original poster got but contact fizzled out pretty quickly after that. It's not as if they were Adonis either but I could only take from it that I wasn't their type for whatever reason. Attraction is very much in the eye of the beholder

I know it would be better to stick up a photo but I'm terrified of someone I know spotting me. I notice on some non dating related sites, they've got some sort of affiliate thing going with the dating sites and they seem to be sticking up random galleries of people on the dating sites. So someone I know know who'd be looking at their email or some news could see my mugshot.

If someone you know saw your photo on an online dating website you have to ask why were they there in the first place?
So, I wouldn't be too concerned about having my photo uploaded. And anyway, what is the difference having your photo on a dating website and being seen in a public place chatting to other guys?

kevin99

metrovelvet wrote: »

Is that a common perception? That good looking girls are not needy and harder to manipulate than their less attractive counterparts?

Lots of guys feel intimidated by good looking girls and they won't approach them for that reason. Guys like to be the hunters and be seen as successful in their puruit of women. So, they are less likely to be confident they have a chance with a good looking woman than a less glamourous lady.

Many, but not, all good looking girls are confident and don't need the attentions of a bloke all of the time.
Not all guys want to manipulate a girl or go for 'needy'women. In fact, I would guess the majority of guys just want to meet up with a normal lady they can get on with and have a good time together.

solovely

I wouldn't put up a picture on an online dating site for 2/3 reasons:
1. Ireland is a very small place and you're likely to be recognised
2. There's more guys than girls on these sites, and you get bombarded enough with mails when you join first, that having a pic there only adds to that
3. I like to make the first move online, for the above reason, so if my pic is not there, and my profile is fairly bland, it puts me in control a bit more.

However, I will always send a pic (or link to a pic) and a better description of myself in the first or second mail. And just with the OP, some of the guys just don't reply once this has happened, even if there was banter there in the first place.

I don't take it as an insult against my looks. Just as in the real world, there are people you will be attracted to and people you won't - doesn't mean you are ugly or anything close to that. Rejection is tough wherever it happens, but it is so frequent in the online world, I don't believe people should be there if they cant take it.

Just move on, OP, lots more guys both online and in the real world, don't let this guy hold you back.

And as another poster pointed out, there could be lots of other reasons he stopped mailing!

Onwards and upwards

andreac

solovely wrote: »

I wouldn't put up a picture on an online dating site for 2/3 reasons:
1. Ireland is a very small place and you're likely to be recognised
2. There's more guys than girls on these sites, and you get bombarded enough with mails when you join first, that having a pic there only adds to that
3. I like to make the first move online, for the above reason, so if my pic is not there, and my profile is fairly bland, it puts me in control a bit more.

However, I will always send a pic (or link to a pic) and a better description of myself in the first or second mail. And just with the OP, some of the guys just don't reply once this has happened, even if there was banter there in the first place.

I don't take it as an insult against my looks. Just as in the real world, there are people you will be attracted to and people you won't - doesn't mean you are ugly or anything close to that. Rejection is tough wherever it happens, but it is so frequent in the online world, I don't believe people should be there if they cant take it.

Just move on, OP, lots more guys both online and in the real world, don't let this guy hold you back.

And as another poster pointed out, there could be lots of other reasons he stopped mailing!

Onwards and upwards

I dont see whats wrong with being recognised Its the same as going out to your local and being recognised.
So what if people have an opinion on online dating, its 2011 so they are the ones who will come across shallow if they think theres something wrong with it.
I would never reply to a blank profile as i like to know who im contacting or chatting to straight away.
Ive mailed guys and never got a reply so i obviously wasnt their type and vice versa so it doesnt bother me at all but im all for a pic up there from the word go.

LegacyUser

All the responses have very helpful but this last one especially has been great. Puts things in perspective.

And yup, Ireland is too small to put up your picture on a dating site. Hell when I lived in Britain, I came across someone I knew on a British site! So I imagine the chances of it happening here are much greater!

1939

andreac wrote: »

I dont know why people go on dating sites and dont put up a pic, doesnt make sense

Ive done the online dating thing and wouldnt chat to blank profiles at all. If someone doesnt have a pic up then theres obviously a reason for it.

There could be numerous reasons, maybe its shyness or not wanting anyone that they might know see them on a dating site. There still is a stigma attached to it I find and it could be embarrassing for some to admit that they use a dating site

WindSock

I don't know why people wouldn't put up a picture of themselves. There is no 'getting to know a person first' online. Any one can type anything about themselves, at least a picture is an inidcation of someone.

And not having one initially puts too much emphasis on an image. If you are anyway insecure and post a pic to someone and they don't reply (for whatever myriad of reasons as pointed out in this thread) then you are just going to automatically assume it's coz yore an uggo.

seenitall

WindSock wrote: »

There is no 'getting to know a person first' online.

Of course there is! All it takes is two like-minded people to establish contact, and that is not exactly unheard of on dating sites.

As for the reasons for no photo upload, they have been sufficiently explained by several people on this thread already, including myself. Some people care about their privacy more than you do, and there is nothing wrong with that.

A picture is a pretty flimsy "indication of someone", as those things go. Therefore it can wait till the 1st or 2nd e-mail, surely!

Webmonkey

seenitall wrote: »

Of course there is! All it takes is two like-minded people to establish contact, and that is not exactly unheard of on dating sites.

As for the reasons for no photo upload, they have been sufficiently explained by several people on this thread already, including myself. Some people care about their privacy more than you do, and there is nothing wrong with that.

A picture is a pretty flimsy "indication of someone", as those things go. Therefore it can wait till the 1st or 2nd e-mail, surely!

That's your opinion and it's fine but I can assure you that 90% of people will not make the effort to contact someone that doesn't bother putting up a photo.

LegacyUser

Webmonkey wrote: »

That's your opinion and it's fine but I can assure you that 90% of people will not make the effort to contact someone that doesn't bother putting up a photo.

Maybe its the 10% one should be after. I had no profile photo up either, but exchanged one very soon after contact with anyone. I had a very detailed profile too. Have a very very lovely boyfriend now. He did have a photo up and it didnt do him justice at all, but I thought he was worth meeting on the basis of our exchanges. It was pretty much an instant click.

So each to their own.

seenitall

Webmonkey wrote: »

That's your opinion and it's fine but I can assure you that 90% of people will not make the effort to contact someone that doesn't bother putting up a photo.

Webmonkey, it's not only my opinion, it's also my experience.

I don't have a photo up on the site I am most active on nowadays, and lo and behold, I have actually had the most satifying dating experience to date on that particular one!

So, just as per the poster above... you may have missed the point with your percentage quotes.

mood

I tried not putting up a photo first but have had a better experience when I did put one up. It just saves everyone time etc. I have been on the other end of it as well and it's hard to know what to say if a guy send you a photo and you don't think you would fancy them in reality. If someone you knows see your photo big deal - they are on a dating site as well!

magneticimpulse

I had photos on my profile. Got chatting to guy. Became facebook friends, so he had a fair idea what i looked like before the date. He seemed to say...wow your very attractive.

Had date, thought it went well.

Got text after: "Your really nice but just no spark."

Then: "Im just not attracted to you sorry, maybe it was because you were not dressed up on our date or you didnt flirt enough with me"

(it was in a pub and i wore casual black trousers, top...no dress but then i didnt want to overdress for the date as i never met him before and didnt want to be too dressed up?)

Go figure...im very skeptical now of internet dating. Great if you want to serial date and just go on lots of random 1st dates. As for 2nd dates, i think its actually difficult to get to that stage with someone you are attracted to.

So time consuming. You have to screen all the profiles and emails. Erase the one night stand/chancer guys (if your looking for a proper potential relationship). Then few emails, few chats by phone, few photo exchanges to pick out one or two guys you would even consider going on a date! Only for them/you to have greater expectations or just wanted a shag. My experience is that online dating is a waste of time and effort for the return/outcome you get at the end of it. Maybe you can be lucky and get a relationship out of it?