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This Colour of Blue!

  • 27-03-2011 6:12am
    #1
    HenryHoward
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭


    "The colour of blue,
    In this fair sky,
    Reminds me of you,
    The first time we did lie

    Soft grass was our bed,
    The willow our shade,
    The river and birds,
    Such sweet serenade.

    I’m reminded of you,
    By this shade of blue,
    And flowers and birds,
    And all pretty things true."

    Be gentle, it's my first time.


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Comments

  • #2
    Matt Holck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    people don't say "we did lie"
    unless they're try to rhyme
    they say "we lay"
    counting syllables (0ne could also count accented beats but that's trickier)

    almost every line is 5 syllables

    adjusting the shorter and longer ones would stabilize rhythm
    I like this image

    Soft grass was our bed,
    The willow our shade,
    The river and birds,
    Such sweet serenade.

    I'd chose "sweetly serenade" instead of "Such sweet serenade."
    to evoke the verb form of serenade to further enliven the scene


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