Doctor husband=lonely wife

gaeilgegrinds1

I'm with my husband quite some time now. He's a great man. I knew marrying a man with so much work would be tough but I never realised how tough. We've two small babies and he is rarely home, only to sleep. Sex life non-existant, for my birthday he gave me a card and told me to go shopping. It just feels like I'm on my own. If I bring it up he asks me what do I expect him to do? I just feel so lonely.

Daisy M

Ah I dont have a lot of advice but I would like to say I understand how tough things must be. I read another tread in parenting where a woman was not getting any support from her husband and when she tried to talk with him she was never able to explain properly how down she was, someone suggested she write a letter to him explaining all, she did this and came back and said it helped. If he doesnt acknowledge the problem and make some effort it is not going to fix it self.
I know it is hard with small kids, try and get a little free time for yourself even if it is just a couple of hours each week, it will give you something to look farward to. Ask around and get a good babysitter there are loads of teenagers dying to earn a few bob. It will get easier as the kids get bigger and start playschool but for now hang in there, you have a lot of good things in your life. Best of luck:)

LegacyUser

Hi, just a bit of perspective... I know it doesn't solve anything, but I thought I would share.

My husband has been unemployed for over a year now and is always at home with the highest sex drive ever. I work 10h a day on a minimum wage and quite often pay for everything for both of us. He has kids from a previous relationship that always get in the way. There is no future for us as he only drinks and use drugs all day. He won't read a book either. When I arrive at home, he gets upset because I'm too tired to spend "quality time" (ie have sex). And I never have a moment alone either.

See how I envy your situation right now?

Take care of yourself, go out with friends, do courses/hobbies, get a babysitter to help you with domestic chores, save money for yourself in the future.

LegacyUser

OP,

You married a doctor, surely you knew what you were getting into? This isn't a job for them, it's their life and I'm sure if push comes to shove, he'll choose his career/life over anything else, including you/his family.

Given that you knew what to expect going in, I think it's pretty selfish of you to dump this on him now. However, the obvious bonus is that he makes good money, so I would suggest getting a nanny/au pair and finding some hobbies.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Op,

I've been on both sides of that equation, so I hope this helps some.

Both myself and the Mrs. are docs. There was a time for a couple of years when I was out of work for personal reasons.

So I know how things can be, if you're at home all day and then your spouse arrives home, often very late. You might be lucky to sit together for an hour or so watching TV and having dinner and then they fall asleep cause they are too tired to make love or anything. The few weekends they are not on-call/free they just want to r&r and for some reason, sex isn't on their mind at all.

Truth is, I found it hard and even became a little resentful at times internally. Even though I KNEW, she was doing the best she could AND earning the money. This was despite that fact that having worked in the field myself, I knew what it was like, especially if you're not a consultant.

These days things are worse. There's no money in the HSE and the working conditions for doctors are rock bottom. A lot of talented professionals are leaving the country, in fact almost anyone who isn't tied down or stuck for some reason (mortgage etc.) is going/has gone. The HSE are being greedy and trying to avoid paying overtime and cut down people's annual leave. They're trying to fill the hole with overseas recruitment but there are shortages everywhere.

Even at the best of times it wasn't like there was ever a spare pair of hands on any medical team. We've always been stretched and the resources have always been at bare minumum capacity. Now with less NCHDs it's even worse and you've got MANY people doing the job that two or even three doctors should be doing.

Your husband could easily be in this kind of situation and it's not fun I can tell you that. The problem is that he doesn't have a choice. If you're working as a doc here esp a non-consultant you have little to no rights. The whole system of advancement means you have to work your ass off and kiss everyone's ass especially your consultant's or you will never get anywhere. Consultant references carry a lot of weight and they can make or break your career at their discretion pretty much. A lot of people abuse this power and exploit those working under them.

Some people in this thread are saying that he wants his career over you or something else. It's probably more that he just doesn't have a choice and in some ways may feel as trapped as you as he has no choice but to provide for his family.

This doesn't mean that you should be blamed or castigated for the way you feel because I understand how that can happen, despite all the logic. And I also understand how it might be difficult for HIM to see that perspective since he's never felt it.

I'm afraid there isn't really an easy solution. I think counselling will help so that you both can let each other know how you feel in a safe environment.

But also, you need to find something that makes you happy apart from being a mother and a wife. Was there something creative you were ever passionate about? Now is the time to take it up. Hiring some help is definitely a good idea. If that's what it takes to free you up for some 'me,' time.

He also needs to find some more time somewhere to be with you, but getting him to see that is not going to be easy and you will have to be patient and gentle. He probably does have a little more choice than he realises but is not in a place where he can see that. He needs to realise that if things don't change (from his end as well as yours) you'll end up resenting him and the relationship will be lost.

But be in no doubt that deep down 99% you and your children are what matter MOST to him. He's just forgotten to let you know that with everything else on his plate.

In this context you need to sit down together and come up with a constructive solution together. If he can be honest with you and explain what the practical reality of his work is and why he has to do what he does, then you can explore what options there might be there. Change of speciality? (some are lighter than others), Change of place? Becoming a GP (though GP training rotations are hard to come by.)

Also try to see it from his perspective. He's probably working out of his socks, under a lot of pressure and doing his best to provide for his family while also trying to advance his career so he can get to a point where he doesn't have to work like a dog every day the way he has to now and CAN have more time with his family.

Usually, that point is the Spr. Which is competitive and tough in this country depending on the field of medicine you're in. And probably why he's going so all out, to try and get that.

Life is a balance and we're all trying to find that centre and it's not always easy.

Emme

I work in a hospital and doctors work under a lot of pressure. A doctor's wife would have to be very patient and to fully understand the pressure it would help if she worked in a medical environment as well. I don't know if your husband is a hospital doctor or a GP but I'd imagine that he would very busy as well if he were a GP.

Try to be (sorry for the bad word choice) patient with him.

LegacyUser

I've been in a LTR with a doctor, and felt the exact same as you- lonely. We got on great, broke up so he could focus on his career!?- our relationship was "too much of a distraction". Now, 2years later, he's still not dating& busily studying night and day to come top of his group. Happy out.
So in a way, you are fortunate that he even found/made time to make you his wife& begin a family with you. My guy, much and all as he claimed and claims to love me, wasn't even prepared to do that! Mutual friends are scratching their heads at his singlemindedness, and have tried to make him see that I won't be there when he's free in 4-5years time, to no avail. He's THAT focused.
Anyway, it really is a case of grabbing any bit of spare time you can, quality time may be only every couple of months. In fairness, it isn't anything personal- it's just the nature of the job. Also the fact that it attracts Type A personalities who give it their all, and most find it difficult/impossible to have a work/life balance, particularly when establishing their career. It could be years before things improve- I'm not saying this to be a doomsayer, just being realistic. You'll need to develop coping mechanisms; friends, hobbies- distractions, basically. Keep the faith. He must get holiday leave- get someone to mind the kids and head away for a weekend once every few months, somewhere local but plush and relaxing, ie: stress free. All the best.