Very upset. Need real help. Post break up.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.

So, where to begin. I'm 23 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 1/2 years.
Last Friday she broke up with me. I'm so so so upset and every once in a while i break out into tears, sometimes i can hold them back and other times i end up on the floor in a ball. I'm flooding here now as i write. I love her so much. The reason I'm so upset is because i don't know why she broke up with me....
It was so out of the blue, i was totally blindsided by it.
She called me last friday night and she sounded upset so i drove over not sure what was wrong. When i got there she sat me down and told me she was 'having doubts' for the past few months and she wants to break up.

I could write pages from what was spoken about that night but i will try keep it short.

She didn't want to keep the relationship going incase these doubts manifested 10 years down the line when we had a house and kids. (we had talked a few times about the future and all was normal, kids house married.)
I asked her could she explain these doubts but she couldn't put words on them. I asked her why she didn't tell me when she first started getting the feelings but she said she was afraid to say it out loud. It's strange. We talk about everything. She said she had a different outlook on life. that she didn't want to hold me back. that she wanted to do things and be on her own for a while with no obligations. This wasn't a break to realise her feelings. It was a full break-up and i was so upset i felt physically sick.
She said we felt more like bestfriends than boyfriend or girlfriend. She said maybe we have gotten a bit complacent. She said she still loves me so much. It was not about being single. When i asked her was there someone else she fancied she said that was the last thing on her mind.

She had started work in September in a very big finance company. She worked 9-5 and was in college from 5-9 three or 4 nights a week. (she had to take further exams as part of her contract). So as you gather we didn't get to see each other that much.
As part of the job there were lots, (LOTS & LOTS) of nights out. I Didn't mind that because she does not drink and she is sensible. All of her work mates are the same young age and all single.


From all she said and from her new lifestyle and from not seeing that much of each other of late, i'm starting to think that she started to develop feelings for a co-worker. Add that onto the constant nights out with all her single friends and co-workers, and the fact that we only relaxed one day a weekend with her (i wanted to stay in and enjoy time with her rather than go out).

I'm going crazy thinking that it is someone else. But she is not that type of person at all.

I cant imagine her with some other. I woke up this morning and got physically sick in the toilet because i had a dream of her having sex with a co-worker.

The not knowing whats going on and why she dumped me is seriously killing me. I cry in work sometimes.

I think about her 90% of the day. All these thoughts in my head have me emotionally drained and sick.

I worry for her constantly. I fear for her safety if shes out, and even if she is with a guy because she is so fragile and slight (if you know what i mean), and i was always so gentle with her.

Do you think there is a chance she could realise she made a mistake even though she has had no time to think about it with the amount of work and study she does?? She did say it could be the biggest mistake of her life... but she had to find out if she wanted a relationship.

Last thing. We have not spoke since Friday. I dont think i can bring myself to call her.

Sorry for the long post. I REALLY need help here.

Thanks in advance.

Sonics2k

Hey OP,
I am sorry to hear about your position, and I can honestly say it is something I can relate to (Ironically happened to me around the same age).

You say you're 23, and have been in this relationship for about 6 years, so I'll assume she's the same age.
This means you've both been a couple since the age of 17, which is very young for such a strong relationship.

It is possible, that in recent months your Ex has started worrying about missing out on part of her life, being young and single, going out with friends and partying. This does not mean she doesn't love you, simply that she's scared of being in a long term relationship so long.

Don't take this in a bad way, but maybe she wants to be single for a period of time, possibly see other people. And before you panic while reading this, I do not mean sleep around, but simply meet new people.

My personal advice, is try to relax a little bit. A break up after 6 years is painful no matter what (I went through one just last year). Go hang out with friends and let them help you in whatever way they do, whether its the bloke who'll let you go emo, or the one who just pretends everythings fine and chats like normal.

Give her a week or so, and maybe send her a message, see how she is (and take the answer with a pinch of salt) and maybe arrange to see eachother.
Do NOT get stalker-like, obsessive or passive-aggressive, it will do you no good.

Best of luck.

Count Duckula

This is going to sound horrible, so I apologise, but sometimes people can just fall out of love. I've friends who went through very similar things. You are very different people when you're twenty-three to when you were seventeen, and those changes may have caused you to drift apart slightly. Even if you don't see it, she might. People's tastes, wants and desires all change. It's a phrase so overused as to be almost cliché, but that's because it's true: "I still love them, but I'm not in love with them".

Break-ups are horrible, especially after such a long time and when they come out of the blue, but you can't legislate for the other party's feelings. I don't think she's lying to you - why would she put herself through this? - and it was probably equally hard on her.

But don't think she's run off with someone else. Just because her feelings may have shifted towards you to the point that the relationship isn't working for her anymore (hence her comment that you were more like best friends; I've heard that SO many times), that doesn't mean she's found another guy. She probably wants to be single for a while, enjoy herself with no obligations. Just because she's breaking up with you because she knows it's for the best doesn't mean she's over you. It'll take her months and months to get over this, too.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that you need to find your friends, family, whoever you can turn to for support, and you need to surround yourself with them. There's a small chance she might realise she's made a mistake and come back, but it sounds like this has been brewing in her head for a long while, so I wouldn't count on it. It's nasty to hear, but I think she really did want the end of the relationship. That's not a reflection on you, but that she knew it was no longer right for her. You might not realise it yet, but you'll come to agree with her in time, I'm sure.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thank you all for your reply's. It's good to get some different opinions.

'It is possible, that in recent months your Ex has started worrying about missing out on part of her life, being young and single, going out with friends and partying. This does not mean she doesn't love you, simply that she's scared of being in a long term relationship so long.'

Thats what I am thinking. We did go out a lot with our friends but now i'm thinking that with her new single college friends she feels she missed out on being single?


"I still love them, but I'm not in love with them".
I'm just so confused because i don't know what would have caused her to fall out of love with me.


She says she still loves me, and it was very hard for her and i could see she was upset. I've kept my distance and have not contacted her. I think i might text her tonight to just wish her well in a very important exam tomorrow. nothing else, just a good luck message. What do you guys/gals think.

Also, i know you don't know us or the situation fully. But do you think there is a chance she will realise she made a mistake and want to try again? She did say that she know she could be making the biggest mistake of her life......

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I was the other side of the exact break-up you're taking about. I was with a guy 5 years and then one night I finished it. I wasn't even planning on finishing it, it came out of my mouth before I even realised. We didn't get back together. I wasn't cheating either, although that was his first question. All of the reasons you gave in your post are the same as the reasons I gave. It didn't feel like boyfriend/girlfriend, it felt like we were cousins living together or something, towards the end of the relationship we were only having sex every couple months, was it like that towards the end for you? Like you guys I'd been in the relationship from a young age (19) and to be honest I was desparately unhappy by the time we called it a day. The reason she didn't voice her doubts (if she's anything like me) is because that's all they were, doubts, I wasn't sure if they'd pass and I'd go back to being in love. I gave it months and months but in the end I had to admit I wasn't happy and never would be with the person I was with. I know this is so painful but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do except look after yourself. You've had a big shock, try and be good to yourself for a while, do anything you can to stay busy and distracted. From what you're discribing, and forgive me if I'm way off, it sounds like a very similar situation to my own so all I can say is honestly, don't wait around for her. Cry when you need to, sob and scream, get the pain out and work on getting back to being happy. Eat well and sleep as much as you need. You have my sympathy OP you really do. Sometimes people fall out of love and there's nothing on this planet that can make you feel in love way if you just aren't. Big Hug OP.:(

LegacyUser

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I think i might text her tonight to just wish her well in a very important exam tomorrow. nothing else, just a good luck message. What do you guys/gals think.

But do you think there is a chance she will realise she made a mistake and want to try again? She did say that she know she could be making the biggest mistake of her life......

I've gone through the same experience, ( moved on and now married to another)
I've also seen my brother hear almost word for word what you have described

No I dont think you should contact her
No I dont think their is a chance she will realise she made a mistake

ultimately it doesnt matter WHY its broke, its broke,
dont torture yourself on why just move on. They my never tell you, generally people dont.

Also I saw my brother turn into a clown, writting letters, phoning etc etc all painful to watch -2 years on he now knows he was acting like an emotional wreck and not listening to others, to chin up and move on with self respect - he is now going out with other person and much happier in himself and that relationship

Mighty_Mouse

Breakups tend to happen at crossroads in life. ie. 18 (college) 23 ( after college) , 28(settling down).
The truth is life is a different experience being single & 23, than being in a long-term relationship. It sounds like she has realised this & wants to try living independantly for a while.
My advice is to accept her reasons. Accept the breakup.
Trust that she has taken the time to consider this decision seriously.

Use the break-up constructively. This is a chance for a break from each other. Maybe she will change her mind, maybe she won't But either way don't make things messy.

The worst thing you could do is stalk her, attack her logic, manipulate her...........etc If you do, it will demean youself in her eyes and alienate her from you. The hardest thing to do is let go of someone you care about. Do it. Delete the phone number, move out, faceboook, avoid overlapping social circles................... give it time & space. Meet up in 6 months if you feel you still need to chat stuff out.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I was the other side of the exact break-up you're taking about. I was with a guy 5 years and then one night I finished it. I wasn't even planning on finishing it, it came out of my mouth before I even realised. We didn't get back together. I wasn't cheating either, although that was his first question. All of the reasons you gave in your post are the same as the reasons I gave. It didn't feel like boyfriend/girlfriend, it felt like we were cousins living together or something, towards the end of the relationship we were only having sex every couple months, was it like that towards the end for you? Like you guys I'd been in the relationship from a young age (19) and to be honest I was desparately unhappy by the time we called it a day. The reason she didn't voice her doubts (if she's anything like me) is because that's all they were, doubts, I wasn't sure if they'd pass and I'd go back to being in love. I gave it months and months but in the end I had to admit I wasn't happy and never would be with the person I was with. I know this is so painful but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do except look after yourself. You've had a big shock, try and be good to yourself for a while, do anything you can to stay busy and distracted. From what you're discribing, and forgive me if I'm way off, it sounds like a very similar situation to my own so all I can say is honestly, don't wait around for her. Cry when you need to, sob and scream, get the pain out and work on getting back to being happy. Eat well and sleep as much as you need. You have my sympathy OP you really do. Sometimes people fall out of love and there's nothing on this planet that can make you feel in love way if you just aren't. Big Hug OP.:(

Hi curlzy,
That does sound a bit like my situation but one thing is different. You said:
'Towards the end of the relationship we were only having sex every couple months, was it like that towards the end for you?'
It was quite the opposite for us, our sex life was a bit slow for a while but recently it had started to pick up and we were both enjoying it much much more. So i'm not sure if that was the reason or an indicator.

Thanks all for you help. I do realise that i have to just focus on myself and involve myself in activities and surround myself with family and friends. Ive started working out to get into better shape as that will help with mental help also. My family and friends are very good to me, my Mam has been a great help talking with me.
I know not to be stalkerish and i'm not. I have given her the space that she wanted and have not contacted her.

I do know that I just have to move on. I'm trying, but it just makes it that bit harder when your not really sure what happened.

Thanks to sunflower27, Permabear, Count Duckula, Sonics2k and curlzy. Your opinions are much appreciated and this thread is helping a bit.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Heed this advice. There is NOTHING worse than someone who cannot accept a break-up and turns into a stalker. Checking out fb, trying to get information off friends, tries to find out if the ex has another partner... it all reeks of desperation and an inability to accept what has happened.

Act this way and you will not only impede your only healing, but you will push her further and further away.

I think it would be a good move to tell her you need to go into No Contact. I know how harsh that sounds, but you seem to be fixated on the possibility of her coming back instead of on how you are going to move on without her. I know it's fairly normal at this early stage to have hope, but ignoring the fact that she spelt it out clearly it is over is not going to help you long-term.

Yes you are completely right and i understand that. I am not going to get in touch with her, i'm giving her her space and i'm not stalking her. We are in no contact at the moment. Yeah hope was an initial feeling but i am starting to get over it. I know i can't keep thinking about her, its not fair on me or any future partner i may have. Its just hard to visualise life without her because we had talked about kids and marriage so my future always had an image of her.

LegacyUser

uns232332 wrote: »

I've gone through the same experience, ( moved on and now married to another)
I've also seen my brother hear almost word for word what you have described

No I dont think you should contact her
No I dont think their is a chance she will realise she made a mistake

ultimately it doesnt matter WHY its broke, its broke,
dont torture yourself on why just move on. They my never tell you, generally people dont.

Also I saw my brother turn into a clown, writting letters, phoning etc etc all painful to watch -2 years on he now knows he was acting like an emotional wreck and not listening to others, to chin up and move on with self respect - he is now going out with other person and much happier in himself and that relationship

Thanks for your opinion, its good to hear people that had the same rough breaks.

LegacyUser

OriginalPoster wrote: »

Thanks for your opinion, its good to hear people that had the same rough breaks.

And got through it ok.

Fiii

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're going through such heart ache.
I can only tell you of my experience, and hope it helps in some way...

I was in your girlfriends shoes at around about the same age.
I had been with my then boyfriend for 4 years. We had gotten together in school, and stayed together through most of college. At about the 3 year mark, I knew I had started to feel different. So much had changed from when we were teenagers - I had changed.
What had started as love, had grown into friendship over the years. No ones fault really, he had done nothing wrong, we had just grown up and apart in that sense.
It took me a long time to even admit to myself that I wanted to break up. This guy was my best friend in the world, and I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore, and he deserved to be with someone who was.
We broke up, and though it took a while, we cut contact all together. It was so difficult, but it was the best thing for both of us, as it allowed us to live our lives without hurting one another.
It wasn't about someone else for me, infact in the years between that break up and meeting my current boyfriend, I didn't even so much as date anyone else. It was about me being myself for a while. Not an us or a we, just a me. Standing on my own two feet, and as corny as it sounds, finding my way in life.
We got talking again about a year after breaking up, and formed a new friendship. We are both in long term relationships with other people now, but are still the best of friends to this day.

This had nothing to do with you OP. I'm sure you're a wonderful person, and she loves you very much. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes the spark just goes away for no reason at all.
Don't stress yourself thinking of her with other people. It will just mess with your mind. And I can almost say without question that thats not what this is about for her - she probably just wants to be herself for a bit.
And don't hold on to the hope that she will change her mind. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I didn't. It was the right decision for us and I still stand by it.

You will have good days, and you will have bad days, but you will come out the other side.
As others have suggested, lean on your friends. They will get you through this.
And use this time for yourself too - go out and explore what life has to offer you.
Go be yourself. There's plenty of time before you need to settle down.

Zen65

Fiii wrote: »

Sometimes the spark just goes away for no reason at all.

+1

When the spark goes for one party in a relationship, especially at an early age, it is probably best to end the relationship and for both parties to move on. You were very young when you started going out, and that's a very high risk relationship at the best of times.

The pain will diminish in time. You will move on. If you truly love her then respect her decision and understand that it is best for both of you. She will cope, you will cope, so stop worrying about her.

Be at peace,

Z

Mighty_Mouse

Yes you are completely right and i understand that. I am not going to get in touch with her, i'm giving her her space and i'm not stalking her. We are in no contact at the moment.

Toughest thing you'll ever do is to cut the cord. But do it.
No emails explaining how things could be different. No convincing letters of true love. No sneaky texts. No Facebook....................stalker-book. Completely let go, throw yourself into your hobbies, work, friends & family. Keep active. Sit down today & set yourself measureable goals for the next 6months/1 year.
i.e. I will get a 1.1 in exams, I will become the top-performing team member in work, I will get a pay-rise, be offered a promotion, I will run a 10kilometre, I will drop 1 stone by xx, I will get a yellow belt in karate, I will write 5 songs by XX, I will make the senior team at my club by xx. etc etc
Put them somewhere visable ie. bedroom door, phone reminder.

Commit fully to these goals.
Use this time of change constructively.
Don't think about it, don't plan to start next week, do it now, start now, just do it.

Yeah hope was an initial feeling but i am starting to get over it. I know i can't keep thinking about her, its not fair on me or any future partner i may have.

1. you won't get over this for a long time. 6 years is a long time. You'll probably thinking about her constantly for at least a year & then a little less every day until the day you die!! But it gets easier.
2. Future partner, talk of marriage...............forget all this crap. In time things will be better. The fact this relationship didnt work, means it wasn't the relationship you want it to be.

Finally, life is tough. Heartbreak & sorrow go hand-in-hand with love & happiness. Good-times are sweater for the bad times experienced.
Handling love & loss without it breaking you is a vital skill in growing up.
Get through this with dignity & it will stand to you for the rest of your life.

Finally, finally, pick 2-3 close friends you can rely on.
When you feel crap & need to talk, use them.
To everybody else, standard answer is "I'm grand, thanks for asking".

Eve_Dublin

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Finally, life is tough. Heartbreak & sorrow go hand-in-hand with love & happiness. Good-times are sweater for the bad times experienced.
Handling love & loss without it breaking you is a vital skill in growing up.
Get through this with dignity & it will stand to you for the rest of your life.

Totally agree. You don't believe it now but this experience is a learning curve and I will do you more good than damage in the long run.

OP, you're 23...I'm almost 31 and I can tell you right now that you have so, soooo many good times ahead. The 20s is a blast. The world is your oyster. Happiness is ahead of you, believe me...you have to get over this (very tough...I know...I've been there) hurdle and you'll be flying. You WILL get over it. Don't doubt that. Everyone who posted here has. Look after yourself OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, All your messages really do help. I don't feel half as bad as i did when i started this thread and that is all down to your advice. I do feel like I am starting to move on. (slightly).

One thing though, and you may think i was wrong for doing this. In the long run i do want to remain casual friends because she was a big part of my life.

This morning she had a very important exam that her career was dependent on, so yesterday at about 6 i just sent a text saying 'Hi (hername). Good luck in your exam tomorrow. Hope it goes well.' 15 Mins later she wrote back with. 'Thanks (myname) '

about 2 hours ago she wrot: 'The exam went really well, thanks for the text yesterday it was really nice of you'

I'm sorry i did not heed your no contact advice 100%, but i felt like i had to wish her luck. Was i wrong in doing so?

Moomoo1

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I'm sorry i did not heed your no contact advice 100%, but i felt like i had to wish her luck. Was i wrong in doing so?

I wouldn't have done it, but I don't think you were wrong.

as others have said, best of luck.

LegacyUser

Really helpful stuff from people who've been through it before - thanks for sharing for those of us going through it.

Hope the OP is OK