I'm in love with my flatmate

blurski

Ok I have been single for five years, met this awesome man from a dating site a week ago.
I drove to his house and stayed for a week.
During the stay we both talked a lot about our own personal experiences and stories.
I found out the second night he recently separated from his ex-boyfriend (2weeks separated), his ex cheated on him.
I'm optimistic so I heard what he had to say and understood he still hasn't grieved from his ex cheating on him...and now i'm in the picture! He is very honest and said he needs some mind-space to think about everything, whats going on, he's never felt a connection with a guy like me especially starting from a dating site. We both tell each other that we love each other (truly).

We didn't have any sex, just gave each other compassion, affection and attention during the entire stay. But that's what we planned, which was great.

I eventually came back home and we txt everyday and night to each other. We ask what plans are for the day, keeping conversation neutral and funny at times too.

He told me he only wants to be close friends because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and eventually unvail that we are not good together. He still has doubts about getting into a relationship with me because of his ex's past tense actions.

I understand to take this completely slow, but I love him so much and have given my word I will wait until he is ready for a relationship with me. He told me on the fourth night he no longer talks to his ex, however, he did tell me he is dreading to get a txt from his ex asking to get back together! He's unsure what he would do. I asked if he would get back together with him..he did say most likely.

The first night I get back home from staying a week at his place he tells me by txt his ex boyfriend's, boyfriend txtd him asking to be mates...didn't go well, he told him to get f**ked! and told me he has now accepted and is very happy to never get into any relationship with his ex...

I'm pretty upset now, I start study at university so I can get a foot-in-the-door at med school, I'll be living with him as 'close friends'. He did say he will ask me out to a relationship when he feels he knows me enough (family and friends i'm with etc). We have established an understanding that he doesn't want me thinking everyday or night if this is the day he's going to ask me out...

I'm so confused! I love him so much, I just don't know if waiting is worth the time....he is worth it but i'm thinking about me here as well..I don't want to get my hopes up! or get hurt...the last thing I want on my mind would be "is he or isn't he going to ask me out"...I want an intimate relationship with him...

What do I do, please help me out?
I'm loosing sleep and have mood swings...its not healthy for me?

Annasopra

what? You met him a week ago and you're in love with him? And moving in?

blurski

Yeap, very quick.
I'm studying this year in July and accomodation on campus pretty expensive so I asked if I could move in and he said only if it's study purpose because he doesn't want to feel any resentment of me moving in leaving the rest behind me, if he were to ask me out....man my head is full of so much!

what do you think

Rick_

That's very quick, and moving that way is only going to lead to problems. I don't know what's worse, you asking to move in with someone as soon as you start talking to him or him actually letting you.

Seriously, forget about using him as a place to stay because the campus is expensive, if you hadn't have met him then what would you have been doing for accomodation? And seriously, you can't love someone so soon after meeting them. You probably 'lust' him, but certainly can't love him. You haven't been with a guy in 5 years and are just pinning all your hopes and dreams on the first guy that came along and showed you a bit of affection. I think the two of you should seperate for a while, especially until he sorts out his ex issues. If he is willing, if asked, to get back with his ex, then he clearly isn;t into you as much as you seem to be into him.

This is bound to end in disaster and I'd dare say only you will end up hurt at the end of it all.

ongarboy

I also think this guy has the upper hand here and telling you that he would only initiate a relationship when or if it suits him. Where does this leave you only to be hanging on a limb hoping and praying he reciprocates your love? Not a great place to be for you! If you only met him for a week, it sounds like infatuation and lust rather than real love. I'm not saying this doesn't make it any easier for you. I'm also not saying it's this guy's fault, as he didn't force you to feel this way. If a relationship was to happen, let it form or evolve naturally and mutually and not based on one person placing a rain check on whether it will ever happen and the other driven to unhealthy distraction wishing for it.

I also believe that because he is still going through his hurting phase with the ex that he would go back to him in a flash if they were to make amends anytime soon. Be friends with him if you want to but living with him is not a good idea. You are entering a very important stage in your life with your studies and probably cannot afford to have this type of distraction that has a very high chance of not going in your favour. You've already acknowledged lack of sleep and mood swings as a result. You want to go to med school, but I think you don't need to be a medical expert to diagnose that this set up you are creating for yourself is not healthy.

Be strong and make the right decision and remember the right decision is not always the easiest in the short term but ultimately will be in the long term.

azezil

This reads like an episode of Buffy when they're under a love spell *boggle*
No, you don't love him, what you're feeling is lust and asking to move in with him, are you nuts!? That's a receipe for disaster right there.

bitter_lemon

you sound like a lesbian! are you sure you are not one?

Annasopra

Move out and take things much much much slower is my advice

blurski

I understand what everybody is saying, but, i'm really thinking if I can get my head around 'being just friends' and not thinking about being in a relationship with him everyday when i'm there, I should be ok?

He did say he would be upset if I were to move in with him to try be with him, but I'm focusing this for my studies.

I admit I will be distracted but I estimate this will only occur for a short period of time. If things get too distracting or dramatic I can always apply at the campus and use accomodation there.

He did say he thinks if he was to say we're in a relationship that we would probably last for only few months and separate. He went on to say if we become friends first then there is that potential of being in a relationship together.

He went on saying because we would be friends, If I were to meet a guy from university and got into stuff with him. He would be able to think rationally and understand, supporting me for getting in a relationship...

Am I just making things worse or what? I need more please?

azezil

He sounds to me like he's playing head games with you, perhaps not intentionally but that is what he's doing. Playing the part of the martyr and oh so graciously allowing you to meet other guys while infact all he wants is for him to be free to meet other guys.

What kind of effect do you think that'll have on you, seeing him with another guy while you think you're in love with him but he says you're "just friends"?

blurski

Hi Azezil,

He did give me his word that he isn't good to be looking for other guys. And that's when I responded that neither will I and I can wait for you till you are ready....what do you think?

azezil

I think he's too soon out of a relationship and moving in with him at this early stage is a very bad idea. I can only imagine he's thinking he's not over his ex and even if he does share the same feeling for you he may think it's just spill over from his ex.

You're very much a rebound guy right now, he needs space to get over his ex properly before he's ready to start dating again.

blurski

I don't move in till July...?

oisindoyle

blurski wrote: »

I don't move in till July...?

My advice is DON'T...You don't know this guy a wet week and A)You are in love with him You are going to move in with him ....

If you are serious about going to Uni and med studies ,then you yourself need a clear head .This so called "relationship " not even a month in is already wrecking your head.
Your "friend" cant be thinking straight either at the minute ,hes just been hurt by someone who he trusted, someone he was in love with for 5 years and who did the dirt on him .

He has to deal with all the emotions that come with that ,he will need his space and time to grieve alone ...you moving in is just a daft idea and I cant see a happy outcome for either of you in the longterm .

I would advise you go about your college studies ,meet someone (and you will) with less baggage and somone who you will connect with in every sense of the word.

You might think you have fallen in love with this guy but I would suggest its a type of infactuation and you are flattered that somone took an interest in you ,which is nice ,,,but its not love ....
Do your own thing and in time you will find somone to really love ,,

Annasopra

blurski wrote: »

I don't move in till July...?

Don't move in - it just complicates things way too much

blurski

I'll talk to him about the moving in situation next month. I agree its not love but infatuated lust...It just hurts with the uncertainty behind this whole thing.

Johnnymcg, paddy c and ongarboy you're all right!

I just need that love

baby and crumble

Just to be clear about something, you don't just have 2 choices about living arrangements- it's not just "expensive campus" or move in with this guy. Trust me, there are loads of flat-shares going at the moment, all around Dublin (or any city), especially when it's a university city. You could easily get a very nice room in a nice relaxed house without these extra complications, for €300 or €400 a month, depending on where you live.

No-one is saying don't be friends with the guy- we've all been in love/lust/infatuation with people we shouldn't at some point, and of course you can still hang out and see what develops, but such a symbiotic relationship is never EVER going to be healthy.

My advice is keep looking for somewhere else to live. It's not difficult, honestly. Try www.daft.ie and look in the sharing section, or even try gaire or some other places if you specifically would prefer to live with other gay people for comfort levels. It's easy to jump on the convenient situation that arises, but believe me, I know from experience that living with someone you think you're in love with NEVER EVER EVER works. I fell in 'love' with my flatmate in 2nd year of college and I was obsessed with her for like, 2 years. Sad and tragic, but once I moved out of that flat I could at least concentrate on other things and possibly meet someone else. Luckily for me, I did, and the feelings I had just sort of... melted away.

I will say though- you met on a DATING site. Why was he on a dating site if he wasn't ready for a relationship/ something? Am I just being a total noob here?

azezil

zoegh wrote: »

I will say though- you met on a DATING site. Why was he on a dating site if he wasn't ready for a relationship/ something? Am I just being a total noob here?

Sometimes it's just easier to talk to a stranger, helps get your mind off things. Especially after a breakup, its nice to feel desireable again, especially if you were just cheated on.

blurski

Those are wise words and I'm sure I will have to make arrangements elsewhere to live. I can't afford a distraction.

Today, I sent a txt to him saying "I'm wondering if you're s**ty with me, I understand you're going through a tough time and you feel stressed and what not. At this point and time i'm you're m8 and I am here for you. When you have sorted yourself i'm here to talk".

I got my reply and he said "That's the worst thing to say dude. Coz if I was in a sh*tty I would reply badly and since i'm not in a bad mood i'm like what the. And I haven't txt much coz I have had visitorz".

I replied "I didn't intend to upset you with that txt i've been noticing you're a bit short with me lately. I just like you a lot. But if the feelings aren't neutral can you let me know".

He replied "I like you but you want way more than I can give you right now. And I know you want more than what you're letting on" - "I don't know what to do".

I asked him "What About?"

He replied "Every thing".

I replied "Yeah I don't know what to do about everything either".

So I'm not sure where this might get too?
I would still want to be mates with him ONLY if we had a higher chance of getting together. Any thoughts? or am I getting too desperate here?

Thanks heaps everybody I really do appreciate everybodys' help and feedback with this..

blurski

I am from New Zealand as well.

baby and crumble

TBH man, that to me is as plain as day. he doesn't want a relationship. or anythign with you. You do.

Just move on. If you can't be friends with him unless it's going to be a relationship you're going to be sorely disappointed.

later12

Okay lets look at this rationally for a minute...

You met this man a week ago.
You stayed for a week.
You love him.
You understand he still hasn't grieved from his ex cheating on him
He says that he's never felt a connection with a guy like you.
You didn't have sex

Do you not think that it is highly likely that this man was using you as an emotional cushion - that in staying for a week at his house immediately after meeting him, you might have been fulfilling the role of his ex boyfriend? Tellingly so since, quite unusually for most apparently love based relationships, you didn't have sex, i.e. this guy did not 'cheat' on his ex boyfriend.

To compound this likelihood, the man you are in love with has now told you that he told me he only wants to be close friends.

Yes he did say he would ask you to be in a relationship when he feels he ''knows [you] enough''. I'm sorry but that does sound very, very much like letting you down gently by putting your relationship on the long finger in the hope that it will just fizzle out. I would hazard a guess that your relationship or friendship is already possibly flizzling out, or aboiut to, as this man's ex may return to the fore.

As other posters have said; for your own emotional health, do not move in with this guy, even if you are worse off in your pocket. It seems like a very superficial infatuation into which you may be committing more than he is, although of course I am sure you feel it very deeply to be something more serious.

If it were me in your position, I would try find someone else, this guy seems a little unsuitable and perhaps does not reciprocate your feelings entirely.

blurski

Well I have accepted we're going to remain friends and trying to move on accepting we may never pursue a relationship together.

I don't know what to do now. I honestly feel being single any longer would eventually make me depressed. I've never had depression.

I want to move forward meet guys and see what can potentially become out of that. I don't know what to do or where to start.

foggy_lad

You only have the word of this stranger that his ex-boyfriend was the one doing the cheating and you could have been brought in to give the impression he had moved on to provoke some jealousy in his ex.

It also sounds from the replies to your last texts that he may already have his ex back where he wants him.

You should look after your own accommodation for college and don't rely on some unpredictable stranger!

Also you are young and have some great years ahead if you so please be patient and the love you crave will find you.

blurski

Well I cannot actually believe HE HAS GONE BACK TO HIS EX-PARTNER!

bitter_lemon

well theres a surprise :rolleyes:
i think you're away with the fairies anyway.

blurski

I did go back and revise everything I posted...I was a train wreck waiting to be but back on tracks again!

I'm over it now lol. Thanks everybody for you're support...seriously thank you.