very tough choices

LegacyUser · 23-03-2011 10:09am #1

My head is wrecked. My boyfriend of four years has been unemployed for the last three years. I work full time, and it involves frequent travel- I love my job so I don't mind, and I think my not being around all the time means I haven't minded his not working too much. However it does mean that we have never been able to go on holidays together, eat in restaurants or anything, but we love each other and I know there's more to life that money. Why doesn't he work? I don't know. He just doesn't notice time passing. He thinks if he's in low-paid work he will have to pay for health care and tax etc and would be no better off - which I suppose is true. He spends a lot of time playing sports so doesn't see the need for working. The thing is, I'm 32, and I wonder where this is going if he never has any money. How could we afford marriage/children/anything? I am in love with him, and while I know these things are important its difficult not to just push it under the carpet and carry on. We always talk about growing old together, but I just think - how?
I've been offered a sort of promotion at work, which means I'd move to the US. My boyfriend can't go, as he has family commitments. I have two weeks left to decide and I'm going out of my mind. How can I make a decision? I wish my work had never chosen me!

sbsquarepants · 23-03-2011 10:42am

Firstly i don't envy you! It's a toughie for sure, in so far as it is going to have far reaching consequences one way or the other, but without meaning to sound like a smart arse, it sounds to me like you already know which one you want?
You say yourself you travel a lot for work and you seem quite driven and career focused, while your boyfriend basically goes out and plays with his friends! You are possibly not all that compatible, but because you spend so much time seperately it's not a huge issue.
I think in general when a choice like this comes up, we more or less instinctively know what to do, but then proceed to confuse ouselves when we try to weigh up the pros and cons of both sides. That what i think you're doing here, i think in your heart of hearts you want to go to the states, you just wish no one had to get hurt in the process, which is perfectly understandable but maybe not possible in this case. It seems like your paths are already diverging, you could be just delaying the innevitable if you stay.
Best of luck, i hope it works out well for you -whatever you choose

Permabear · 23-03-2011 11:44am

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ladygirl · 23-03-2011 12:17pm

HI Op

If it was me in your shoes - I would take the promotion.Do not let him hold you back in life one minute longer. Move on with your life to bigger and better things. If he is that committed to your relationship he will no doubt follow you - if not - then its his loss.

metrovelvet · 23-03-2011 12:29pm

Take the promotion.

Firetrap · 23-03-2011 12:52pm

Of course it's easy for us to suggest you go take the job because we're not in love with your boyfriend. It does strike me though, reading what you've written, that a crunch is going to come somewhere down the line. I know things are bad out there but has your boyfriend even tried to get a job in the last three years? I've chatted on and off to people who are working in low paid jobs and who say that in some ways they'd be better off on the dole but that going out to work is far better for them.

I get the impression that things are suiting him just nicely as they are and that he's drifting through life without having to take any great responsibility for anything. Living like an adolescent is indeed a great description of his life. It's actually a bit worrying that he doesn't seem to have any sort of get up and go in him at all. Does he do anything constructive in his life at all? I've friends who, during spells of unemployment, have done everything from volunteering to helping to clear out a dilapidated garden to helping a relative on a farm. You're the one who's got the career, is working hard and (I'm assuming) paying for his life to a certain extent. He sounds like he's more or less sitting on his arse at home.

Does he have any opinion on your promotion? I know he can't go but have you discussed trying out a long distance relationship for a while? Have you ever had a serious chat about where you think your relationship is going or his lifestyle? You've mentioned marriage/kids and I just wonder has he thought seriously about them to a logical conclusion. Or are they just vague ideas up in the ether for him?

mood · 23-03-2011 2:35pm

If he is not willing to work you will not have the future you want ie marriage, house and kids. I know it's very difficult to find work now but it's no excuse of not trying as hard as you possibly can. Also why has he not tried to up skill in the past three years?

You are always better off working. It's not just about money.

I would take the promotion also.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2011 2:53pm

Thanks for the all the comments.
In response to a few questions, I think this probably answers a few of them - he smokes cannabis - not much, but I think it has an effect on his "get up and go". Sometimes I think it's the only explanation to how he can do so little with himself, although he says thats rubbish and it doesn't effect him, and starts going on about my having a few drinks at the weekend is worse and that alcohol hurts people far more...and so on...
He has done 3/4 Fas courses during the time he's been on the Dole but nothing has come of them. At the time he seemed committed but then it just went back to normal.
About my promotion, I don't know how he feels really. He doesn't want to lose me, that's what he says, but he doesn't want to stop me doing anything that I want to do. As I said, we always kind of joke about marriage and kids etc, but when I say "well if we want that don't you think you'd need to work" he just tells me to stop nagging. It's like he lives in a dream world. Maybe it's a nice world to be in and I should take up smoking!! Men are so strange (sorry to all the guys out there!) - sometimes its like they don't think about the future and are always happy to just drift along...
I feel like if he was working I would stay with him...but in the absence of any plan I guess I should move on...it's hard though - you can't help who you love as they say, and I feel like it's 4 years down the drain...

metrovelvet · 23-03-2011 3:22pm

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the all the comments.
In response to a few questions, I think this probably answers a few of them - he smokes cannabis - not much, but I think it has an effect on his "get up and go". Sometimes I think it's the only explanation to how he can do so little with himself, although he says thats rubbish and it doesn't effect him, and starts going on about my having a few drinks at the weekend is worse and that alcohol hurts people far more...and so on...
He has done 3/4 Fas courses during the time he's been on the Dole but nothing has come of them. At the time he seemed committed but then it just went back to normal.
About my promotion, I don't know how he feels really. He doesn't want to lose me, that's what he says, but he doesn't want to stop me doing anything that I want to do. As I said, we always kind of joke about marriage and kids etc, but when I say "well if we want that don't you think you'd need to work" he just tells me to stop nagging. It's like he lives in a dream world. Maybe it's a nice world to be in and I should take up smoking!! Men are so strange (sorry to all the guys out there!) - sometimes its like they don't think about the future and are always happy to just drift along...
I feel like if he was working I would stay with him...but in the absence of any plan I guess I should move on...it's hard though - you can't help who you love as they say, and I feel like it's 4 years down the drain...

Well, I'll tell you one thing. If you got married [I say that for US visa reasons] and he went to the US with you he'd have to get up and work.

curlzy · 23-03-2011 3:30pm

Hey OP,

4 years down the drain is better than 10 years down the drain. Let's cut to the chase here, your boyfriend is bone idle and lazy. I smoke weed every day and I have a full time job and I just finished a degree which I did in my spare time, so weed has nothing to do with laziness IMO. I think people get confused because easy going people tend to smoke weed so people assume that weed causes easy going(ness?) if you get me. At the end of the day your 30ish bf wants to spend all day playing with his friends instead of working. He doesn't seem to care to try to be able to spend time and money with you and build a future. I think you realise yourself here that you can't pass up a promotion for a loser like that, I know you love him, and that's awful, it must be torture and I really honestly feel for you but like I said you would be absolutely stupid to choose him over the promotion.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Distorted · 23-03-2011 5:00pm

I was going to ask if your boyfriend was a serious sportsman, but since he uses cannabis, its fair to assume that he is not. Nor I guess is he an aristocract who does not need to work for a living. So he is just drifting through life with no motivation or pride in paying his own way (the taxpayer does that). Where I live, there would be a bit of social stigma attached to this.

That said, you seem remarkably unphased by it, even though it restricts your relationship (no restaurant meals, holidays, etc). It might be that once you get away from him, you wake up and realise how bad his attitude is. OTOH I'm not sure even why you are phrasing your question in the way you do, because the a boyfriend is not the only major factor in deciding whether or not to relocate abroad with work. So perhaps he reflects something in your own character. i.e. he already has his excuse sorted out for not relocating (family committments) and you don't have one, so you think he might provide such an excuse for you if you don't decide to go.

Not sure this entirely makes sense, but I'm not sure how many people could put up with their partner being unemployed for 4 years when they work full time themselves. I think you really just have to make this choice for your own reasons, not outside influences.

Permabear · 23-03-2011 5:53pm

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mood · 23-03-2011 6:14pm

I would be worried that you two only "kind of joke" about you future together. At your age and after 4 years you should have had a few serious discussions about what kind of future you want, if it could be together etc. Maybe the fact that you haven't done this is a sign that the two of you are not really committed to a future together.

Do his friends work or look for work? If he is surrounded by others who don't look for work and smoke all the time he probably see this as normal.

carlybabe1 · 23-03-2011 8:46pm

Get your ass in gear op and get ready to go to the US. Theres nothing for you here, and I mean nothing,your lucky enough to have a great job that you seem to enjoy, a chance to see America and get some fantastic experience. It could be the take off to a whole new direction, scarey I know, but fantastically exciting!!! How much scarier is it going to be for you if you wake up in 2/3 years time, beside your boyfriend, no sign of a job for him...smokin another spliff, gettin ready to go play another football match. You're headin into work, and have to listen to the details from the lucky ba***rd that took your place/job in the states. If he really wants to be with u, he'd get off his ass and try go with you...best of luck op, but i think you'd be crazy to pass this up

Firetrap · 23-03-2011 8:53pm

After reading more about your boyfriend, I'm thinking you should take the promotion. I wonder how long your relationship would last if you had to live together for an extended period of time? I'm assuming that since the start, you've been travelling a lot with your job? That may have led to the relationship lasting longer than it normally would. I'm curious - do ye live together? If you do, is he any good around the house?

He sounds like he's not all that bothered about things to be honest. It suits him to have a girlfriend but he's not prepared to do committed things like talk seriously about marriage, having kids or even trying to get a job. Realistically, if things were to continue on as they are for the next 20 years he'd be happy as a pig in the proverbial. Telling you to stop nagging and commenting about you having a few drinks is just his way of refusing to even discuss things on a meaningful level. He doesn't want to stop smoking pot or get a job. I wonder does he even want kids?

LegacyUser · 23-03-2011 9:08pm

Sounds like the man can just about look after himself, not to mind trying to raise a family! Of course he's not keen on you leaving- I'm sure you treat him to a lot of things& help him financially. I'm sure ye get along great, he's happy out with no pressure on him re marriage/kids/money, and you've your freedom to travel for work. But it's not a realistic thing longterm if you're talking about laying down roots.
OP, sometimes you've to lose the battle to win the war. IE: don't focus on the last 4years as being "lost", focus on how the next 4years are your time. Grab this work opportunity with both hands- you've clearly shown your mettle to your employers& deserve the chance to shine.
The bf is going nowhere, fast. And left to his own devices, he'll drag you down with him.
I'm sure he's a lovely fella, but he's putting himself& his needs/wants first- you now have to do the same. Good luck. A girl like you will have no trouble attracting someone.

Zen65 · 23-03-2011 10:20pm

unregistered wrote: »

In response to a few questions, I think this probably answers a few of them - he smokes cannabis - not much, but I think it has an effect on his "get up and go".

Maybe it has affected his, but it should not affect yours.

Get up, and go!!

This man does not represent any kind of a future for you. He is wrapped up in himself and is unlikely to ever be able to give you the kind of unselfish love you should expect from a life-partner.

Be at peace,

Z

very tough choices

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