What to do with a girl who keeps trying to out me indirectly?

LegacyUser

To keep a long story short, I'm still in school and last year I came out as lesbian to a close friend while drunk pretty quickly after I came out to myself. She, although claiming to be bisexual, freaked out about the whole thing in her own quiet way, pretending she was cool with it but flinching whenever I came near her/not sitting with me etc. General hipster pretending she was OK with people being gay.

Now the issue is, a year onwards, she keeps bringing up me being gay IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Like she will ask me if I went to this gay youth thingy, or if I fancied anyone or bring up some girl that I went out with one time or various other things that could get me into endless ****ing ****. I really, really regret coming out to this girl because I'm basically sure she has already told people, but I can't have this getting out. I called her up on it today after the rest were gone, but its really freaking me out. What now?

bitter_lemon

what did she say when you pulled her up on it? i was going to say that she maybe did not realise you were uncomfortable with it. but this does not seem the case from your first half of your post.

wonderfulname

She might think she's helping, tell her you have to come out in your own time.

AndrewJD

Obviously if it's not what you want, she shouldn't be doing it, but I'm gonna throw some personal experience in here.

When one of my friends found out about it, she did a not dissimilar thing. She would bring it up at times that I wouldn't, in front of people I wouldn't, and at first I was annoyed/angry/bemused because of what I perceived as recklessness. After I inadvertently came out to 2 or 3 people in this way, I figured out it was relatively a lot less painful experience than doing it myself. Even though these weren't necessarily the people or situations I would choose to expose myself like that to, the end goal of 'everyone knowing' was still achieved. So even though I was initially feeling the same way as you, I stopped caring because in the end things worked out better due to her not being anywhere near as shy about the subject than I was. I imagine she would've stopped if I'd asked her.

So that side of things is maybe worth considering. But if you really don't want this, give out to her about her insensitivity or whatever. It's not her life.

LegacyUser

When I pulled her up on it she said she was sorry, then said she would keep her mouth shut and wouldn't take my trust for granted. I explained that I couldn't be out because it would implicate my family (I'm already out to them except for my little brother, he'd get bullied)

The thing is I really feel like the whole thing was between a power play and wanting to have a GBF or just some pet cause (she gets more upset about gay issues than I do). Her and someone else were talking about pretending to be gay for kicks, and I said I didn't agree with it. Then she obviously took offense and decided to pull this on me. I just get pissed off when she thinks being gay is all fun and games and rainbows, and that I'm a coward for not going to pride and not coming out to all and sundry.

Aishae

id say - come straight out and ask her 'why do you keep doing this around other people?' see what she says then you have options based on her answer. maybe she thinks she's helping - in which case you can say 'im uncomfortable with it and ill come out in my own time, so please stop it' in no uncertain terms. if she she comes back with a retort such as 'well i think its sick' then the girl is no friend - but theres not much you can do as she knows the truth. id keep her at arms length though. only come out when you are ready to do so but if that turns out to be soon you might end up showing her up for what she is. which is: not a very good friend.
its possible shes dealing with her own sexuality and in her warped way is either taking potshots at you to deflect any attention on herself, or it could be she thinks shes flirting with you.
so all in all - theres quite a few possibilities there. but either way its not on behaving like this. tell her so in whatever way the situation requires. good luck with it.

bitter_lemon

OP Again wrote: »

When I pulled her up on it she said she was sorry, then said she would keep her mouth shut and wouldn't take my trust for granted. I explained that I couldn't be out because it would implicate my family (I'm already out to them except for my little brother, he'd get bullied)

The thing is I really feel like the whole thing was between a power play and wanting to have a GBF or just some pet cause (she gets more upset about gay issues than I do). Her and someone else were talking about pretending to be gay for kicks, and I said I didn't agree with it. Then she obviously took offense and decided to pull this on me. I just get pissed off when she thinks being gay is all fun and games and rainbows, and that I'm a coward for not going to pride and not coming out to all and sundry.

well at least you've laid it out how you feel and she said she'd respect that. sometimes people don't realise they are actually causing others stress. if she continues with this after you have warned her shes a **** and just don't associate with her. shes no friend.