Mother Trouble

LegacyUser

Want to be anon for this one. Basically, I am not Irish, but am married to a wonderful Irish man and decided to move here to start married life. It's not been an easy ride, we're not rich, we're not even working, but we're very happy.

I've not always had the easiest relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and it was a very messy affair. This has left my mother very bitter and resentful, which I do understand. She has not re-married, but my father has and is now very happy with his partner. I was thrown out on the street when I was 18. It wasn't easy, but eventually I pulled myself up by the bootstraps to build a life for myself. I had a good job, my own house and car, had a good social life and just got on with things. My mother and I did not speak for several years until I went through a bad break up. Since then, we do have a relationship, but I can't say we're close. I try to be a dutiful daughter, and do my best to help out my mother when I can. She came to rely on me in some ways.

I met my now husband some years ago. We had a LDR, but when we got engaged we had a talk and I decided to make the move here. When we broke the news to my family, they were very excited and supportive of the fact I would be moving. With the exception of my mother. She stormed round to my house, and tried to bully and blackmail me into changing my plans. Both my brother & I spoke to her and told her if she didn't want to come to the wedding, that was fine, but she wasn't going to change my mind. My husband was surprised and hurt by her reaction, but kept calm and left my mother for me and my brother to deal with. We got married in Ireland, and my whole family came over - including Mum, and lots of my friends from home. I know they all had a great time.

Since we got married, I've been back home several times to see my family (including Mum), but she's never once been over to see us, even though she's been away on several overseas trips. She claims it's because of the damp weather we have here. I was initially hurt, but now am resigned to the fact she will never visit and will try to have as little to do with us as possible. My mother won't phone, and when I call her, she cuts off the call as quickly as possible. It's almost as if she's punishing me for daring to get married, move away and be happy.

What proved to be to final straw, was the fact I heard from my brother, that she thinks I was forced by my husband to get married, our wedding was a joke and he's fleecing me! Nothing could be further from the truth mind.

I guess it's now come to the point where I feel I should say something. My husband is very hurt by her attitude, and I'm absolutely fuming. I don't think this can be done over the phone, and a letter might not be the best idea as I know she'll be showing it to all her friends telling them what a bad person I am.

What would be the best way to approach it?

Sorry for the long essay, and thanks for reading. Even if no-one has any advice for me then I feel better for getting it off my chest

The_Conductor

Ignore her, you are happy- get on with your life.
Unfortunately there will be people close to you in life- who are simply toxic to you (and other people). The fact that its your mother, is unfortunate. If she is unwilling to travel to see you- and not willing for you to play a part in her life- well, frankly- its her loss. It is hurtful when a parent behaves in a childlike manner like this- and the fact that she is twisting the situation to try to come between you and your other half, is despicable.

All you can do is be honest with her- you are happy with your other half, and enjoying a happy life. She is welcome to have a part in your life- however if she decides not to- that is her decision, not yours.

I'm not surprised that your husband is hurt by her attitude- to be honest- it sounds very much as though she is throwing a strop, and has never learnt how to interact with those around her.

Its very easy to say- don't waste time on her, its a lot more difficult because she is your mum though.

Leave the door open to her- but refuse to accept any accusations or recriminations on her part. You are entitled to enjoy a happy life with your husband- she is not entitled to try to ruin this for you.

bert61

nice...