How to deal with childish strops??

LegacyUser

In a nutshell,oh is great 90% of the time, but every now and then just throws a childish strop often for no reason and retreats into himself for a few days. Does anyone else have experience of this?
At the mo he's in that mood and it's really doing my head in! Basically he got very drunk at a family do on St.Paddy's day and embarrassed himself and me. When I said this to him the next day rather than apologising profusely and being mortified he just said a stroppy sorry and because I didn't accept that wholeheartedly,hasn't said another word to me (apart from the necessary civilities) since!

Like I said this is a very sporadic thing and he's brilliant the rest of the time so I'm not going to leave him because of it or anything but it is so frustrating the odd time that it does happen. I've tried talking to him about it before but to no real avail, it's kind of like he can't help it or something, just every so often it comes out? I basically have to just leave him to it until he comes out of it himself because if I challenge him it will turn into a huge row which will make him stop talking to me all over again and it could go on and on forever!

If I back off he does come round in his own time but till then it's fekkin annoying and I shouldn't just have to put up with it should I, especially considering I did nothing out of the way. He's the one who was in the wrong yet I'm the one who's punished!!

I think he knows he was wrong and is embarrassed and ashamed but can't handle that so this is his way of dealing with it? Or am I just making excuses for him? I just don't think I can live this way for the rest of my life. He is younger than me but still is a grown man in his late twenties!! When do men leave the childish behaviour behind and really grow up?

Sleepy

Some men never grow up and others are born middle-aged.

If he behaves like a child - treat him like one. But remember: he's your boyfriend, not your husband so in the analogy of a child, he's still one you're babysitting rather than your own flesh and blood. If he continues behaving like a brat, you can hand him back!

up for anything

Some people, not just men, never grow up and leave that sort of behaviour behind. You might find that the longer you are with him, the more you will see that freezing out becoming a more regular occurrence and for longer stretches at a time. Been there, done that, got fed up, got out. If I had it to do again I would dump him after the second episode.

The Lovely Muffin

picturenosound! wrote: »

I'm not going to leave him because of it or anything

picturenosound! wrote: »

I just don't think I can live this way for the rest of my life

If he doesn't change what are you going to do?

You said you don't think you can live this way for the rest of your life, but if he doesn't change and your not going to leave him, then I honestly don't know what you can do tbh.

picturenosound! wrote: »

I've tried talking to him about it before but to no real avail

What did he say when you tried talking to him?

picturenosound! wrote: »

I basically have to just leave him to it until he comes out of it himself because if I challenge him it will turn into a huge row which will make him stop talking to me all over again and it could go on and on forever!

Why does he stop talking to you when you challenge him on it? Because you called him out on his behavior?

Ickle Magoo

Do you live together OP?

metrovelvet

picturenosound! wrote: »

In a nutshell,oh is great 90% of the time, but every now and then just throws a childish strop often for no reason and retreats into himself for a few days. Does anyone else have experience of this?
At the mo he's in that mood and it's really doing my head in! Basically he got very drunk at a family do on St.Paddy's day and embarrassed himself and me. When I said this to him the next day rather than apologising profusely and being mortified he just said a stroppy sorry and because I didn't accept that wholeheartedly,hasn't said another word to me (apart from the necessary civilities) since!

Like I said this is a very sporadic thing and he's brilliant the rest of the time so I'm not going to leave him because of it or anything but it is so frustrating the odd time that it does happen. I've tried talking to him about it before but to no real avail, it's kind of like he can't help it or something, just every so often it comes out? I basically have to just leave him to it until he comes out of it himself because if I challenge him it will turn into a huge row which will make him stop talking to me all over again and it could go on and on forever!

If I back off he does come round in his own time but till then it's fekkin annoying and I shouldn't just have to put up with it should I, especially considering I did nothing out of the way. He's the one who was in the wrong yet I'm the one who's punished!!

I think he knows he was wrong and is embarrassed and ashamed but can't handle that so this is his way of dealing with it? Or am I just making excuses for him? I just don't think I can live this way for the rest of my life. He is younger than me but still is a grown man in his late twenties!! When do men leave the childish behaviour behind and really grow up?

Show not tell. Maybe he has no idea whaat he is like. Next time he pulls a strop start mirrorring or imitating him. OR video him and play it for him later. Its often not until we can see ourselves as others do that we change voluntarily.

LegacyUser

OP here. Yes we live together,that's why it's so hard to sit next to someone on the couch all night and have them not utter a word to you!

I'm not going to leave him because as I said,it really doesn't happen often and he's really great 90% of the time. It's not a regular thing,just something that seems to come over him every now and then. I wish I could understand what it is but I don't think he even does.

He gets angry and defensive when I call him on it because I think he knows he's being wrong but for some reason can't seem to pull himself out of it. It is juvenile,it's like a stroppy teenager who sulks and mopes and freezes you out until they finally come round and say sorry.

He can be brilliant and so mature in so many other ways but for some reason it seems there's still a touch of the immature stroppy teen stuck inside him who just breaks out every so often!!

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Show not tell. Maybe he has no idea whaat he is like. Next time he pulls a strop start mirrorring or imitating him. OR video him and play it for him later. Its often not until we can see ourselves as others do that we change voluntarily.

He surely knows he has been ignoring her for three days for no good reason????

metrovelvet

picturenosound! wrote: »

OP here. Yes we live together,that's why it's so hard to sit next to someone on the couch all night and have them not utter a word to you!

I'm not going to leave him because as I said,it really doesn't happen often and he's really great 90% of the time. It's not a regular thing,just something that seems to come over him every now and then. I wish I could understand what it is but I don't think he even does.

He gets angry and defensive when I call him on it because I think he knows he's being wrong but for some reason can't seem to pull himself out of it. It is juvenile,it's like a stroppy teenager who sulks and mopes and freezes you out until they finally come round and say sorry.

He can be brilliant and so mature in so many other ways but for some reason it seems there's still a touch of the immature stroppy teen stuck inside him who just breaks out every so often!!

Maybe thats ok.

Ickle Magoo

picturenosound! wrote: »

OP here. Yes we live together,that's why it's so hard to sit next to someone on the couch all night and have them not utter a word to you!

I'm not going to leave him because as I said,it really doesn't happen often and he's really great 90% of the time. It's not a regular thing,just something that seems to come over him every now and then. I wish I could understand what it is but I don't think he even does.

He gets angry and defensive when I call him on it because I think he knows he's being wrong but for some reason can't seem to pull himself out of it. It is juvenile,it's like a stroppy teenager who sulks and mopes and freezes you out until they finally come round and say sorry.

He can be brilliant and so mature in so many other ways but for some reason it seems there's still a touch of the immature stroppy teen stuck inside him who just breaks out every so often!!

If you live together then it's harder to make a stand that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable in an adult relationship but it's easy not to spend the night on the couch, mollifying and handing him the power of controlling you and in turn your relationship together.

I'm a strong believer that you can't directly change other people, you can only change how you act or react to/around them and that in turn may influence how they behave. Sit him down and tell him how much it annoys you, how frustrated and sad you feel when it happens and how unattractive you find it. If he gets easily offended then use plenty of "I"'s rather than apportioning blame - perhaps get him a good book on conflict resolution or the art of good communication too.

I second the suggestion that you make plans, go out, start a hobby and deliberately spend as little time in his company until he snaps out of it. Don't beg him, don't ask him, don't let it bother you other than acknowledging it's a childish strop and making it clear you have better things to be doing with your life than waiting around on him getting over himself. Presumably he is stropping for the same reasons a child does, to get attention and to gain some control - deny him both and he will hopefully be forced to change tact.

All the best.

vetinari

As someone who has been the person throwing a sulk (although for hours usually not days) the best thing is to leave the person be. Sometimes an argument can wind you up the wrong way and you just don't deal with maturely. As others have said, you'd be best off ignoring him. In a perverse way if you're in a sulk and people go at you about it, you just get worse off. I will say though that 3 days is a ridiculously long time to be sulking at someone.

Stu

That kind of passive-aggressive behaviour is so frustrating to deal with and you can often end up feeling powerless about how to deal with it when your other half won't open up and discuss the problem directly, preferring to go into a strop.

He needs to grow up and take ownership of the problem because it won't get any better longterm otherwise. Hes not a kid and can't just expect you to put up with this sort of carry on for much longer. Just because he has other redeeming qualities shouldn't allow him the leeway to bury his head in the sand when its suits him.

It's a really tricking situation though and as Ickle Magoo said, you can distance yourself from him when he behaves like this BUT when he starts to come round, call him out on his behaviour and demand that he sits down and discusses the reasons for his "childish behaviour" and keep using the word, childish behaviour. If he goes off in a strop again, distance yourself from him again, stay out of his way and he will start to get the message that you are not letting it go just because hes not sulking anymore.

If your persistent in treating the situation this way he'll soon get the message that you are not putting up with it. Its not going to be easy to modify your own behaviour (how you normally react) but its the only way to deal with it and you'll feel more empowered and he will probably respect you more in the longterm.

King of Kings

- seems to be a lot of bashing here.

If i'm in a mood or cross I like to be left alone - I don't see what's wrong or juvenile about this,
some people just don't like to discuss issues to the nth degree esp when they're pissed off.

he knows he was wrong - had said sorry - but he (rightly so) isn't giving you your pound of flesh.

Did you ever think that by speaking to him after a row it's like picking a sore. Let it heal.

Ickle Magoo

She should let it heal? Are we reading the same thread?

They had a row on the 18th because the boyfriend embarrassing the OP and himself on the 17th - between the 18th and the 21st when the OP posted he'd only spoken to her when he really had to...

So three days+ of being kept in the doghouse for deigning to point out her partner made a mug of himself and embarrassed her...and you can't see why anyone would view that as juvenile? Seriously now.