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Something to make you smile........................maybe

  • 21-03-2011 4:45pm
    #1
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭


    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....



    I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
    front of a train.
    He was chuffed to bits.



    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
    standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
    hours later and they're still walking about with it...
    I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!


    I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
    her balance.
    Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


    A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
    permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
    A spokesman for the channel said....
    'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
    we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


    My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
    local pet shop and they were £70!!!

    B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


    Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
    3.14 dead


    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
    gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds.’
    I bought her some scales.


    Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
    newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....

    I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.


    Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
    "What's the matter?" I asked.
    "I've got the big C,"he said.
    "What, cancer?"
    "No, dyslexia."


    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


    A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii
    GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

    I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!



    The Prime Minister

    I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.























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