Me, myself, the kids, the ex and Irene..

LegacyUser

If anyone has been in a similar situation, please tell me how you've dealt with /are dealing with it. I'm in the middle of a split with my ex, he's out of the house, I'm with my two kids. It's very hostile to say the least, on his part. I spent 14 years with my ex, and from a very young age. I loved him, he treated me like crap, but I put up with it putting it down to immaturity. One night, I watched him try it on with my sister (who told him fk off) and put it down to drink and I eventually believed him. Stupid me.

A baby came along, treated me like dirt, denied he was his, told his whole family my son wasnt his and dragged me into the gutter -later accepted it then things got better for a while. He made sure over the years that my own friends weren't welcome, and made sure I was kept at home. After our first son, he continued going out with his friends (never offering to let me go out anywhere) and came home drunk, abusive, and violent towards me. In those years I was so tired, and I was crying out for some help with the baby. Through a better patch we thought our son might like some company, so we had another son. (Idiot me again) The same pattern emerged, I was left home and ignored, abused and hurt physically. While I was pregnant with my second son, my ex came home from a stag weekend still drunk saying that he was sorry he'd missed out on some lesbian act that was put on by a pair of strippers. (only recently claimed he'd done the dirt on me while he was away then) Time passed again, and I figured I've two sons and wanted to do the right thing by them. I married him so they had a proper family unit

I look back over what I've written and I feel absolutely ridiculous for what I've let myself in for. But my problem now is this: He's of an obsessive nature. He would never let me go in the past, and still won't. I've split up with him a while back, but he is bombarding me all day and night with calls and texts that are both evil and the next minute desperate to get me back. I've so many other worries about how I can survive I feel I might crack. I'm finding it so hard to deal with everything alone, I don't feel mentally able to take him on. He scared me so much last year I ended up in a car accident, and a psychiatric unit twice. Last year he tried to get full custody of our children based on the fact that I'd had to receive mental health care, and told the gardai that I assaulted him in my home, when he came to see our children (which was only a design to pester me again), then later had a visit from the gardai. My face hit the floor. I've never been in any trouble in my life. When the gardai arrived I was gobsmacked. I was confused by this because I asked if there was any evidence of assault. The garda just said to me 'he said you hit him' I was given a court date, that my ex did not attend. I feel like I've been through a twister for over a decade

My biggest problem is the kids. If I don't be nice / friends with him he won't give the kids a look in. He will go on a bender and they get blanked because hes so busy drunk calling / abusing me. Im so very sick and tired of this, I cant breathe for all the stress.

I want to do the right things by my kids, but I can't get my head straight for this whole damn mess.


Sorry the post has been so long, but a bit of background was needed

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Sleepy

Hav you friends / family you can turn to? The one great thing about family or your really closest friends is that they won't give a **** if it's been a long while since you've seen them, those that care about you will want to help.

Keep a record of the calls and texts. Don't block his access to the children unless he's drunk / threatening at the time he's collecting them. If you can't get him to agree to scheduled visits, tell him when they'll be available for him to collect them and when you expect them back (e.g. Saturday at 12 to Sunday at 12 type of thing) and record everything. Every missed visit, every abusive text / call, should he assault you again, go to the hospital and get evidence of the assault.

Present all logs, messages, evidence to the Guards and if he keeps the behaviour up, request a restraining order.

I don't know the details of any agencies that can assist off-hand but they're out there if you google them or another poster has them to hand.

LegacyUser

Thank you Permabear and Sleepy. You've both very good points. I've been keeping a lot of my texts and voicemails, they count right? or should I write this stuff down? It's so embaressing the stuff he says to me In much the same way I made to feel guilty that my sons didn't have married parents, the guilt now lies with me yet again. I'm seen to be splitting up a family. The things he is sayiing to his family about me, and they're soaking it up.. I've never felt such same. These are my kids aunts and uncles

I do see the sense of getting away from him, that's why I initiated the split. Feeling guilty about splitting up a family held me back the whole time. My ex uses this every time he texts or calls me. I'm so low I have to admit it's getting to me.

My boys are happy ones, cuddle and tell me they love me a few times a day. I just hope there wont be a later backlash for what I've done.


Is the social actually able to MAKE you seek maintenance from an ex? I want nothing to do with him

Morag

Yes they count.
STart a diary, every time you get hassle from him write it down as soon as you can afterwards, date, time what he said.

He is an abusive person, it is not your fault your children won't have thier parents living together it is his as he has abused you. He is the bad guy, don't let him use that guilt against you.

First chance you get go down to your local garda station and make a report and show them the text messages and the voice mails.

Ignore his family, let him lie and let them think what they want, if they gave a damn they would come and talk to you and find out what is going on, if they don't then they are not worth it.

Talk to your own friends and family, let them know what is going on and get help and support.


You can apply for a safety/restraining order but he has to have lived wtih you with in the last 6 months, if he's out of the family home for more then that when you apply your application can be refused.

metrovelvet

Ok. Glad you are ok. This must be tough going for you.

First of all well done for breaking free.

Secondly do not feel blackmailed by this man or the culture into exposing your kids to him. He is no different than a junkie. He is just using a drug the culture sanctions.

I would recommend insisting that he has a court order for access. The judge may even insist on supervised by a social worker or third party if he is an acoholic, but you would have to prove this. Have you reported previous incidents tot he police?

Make sure you have on record that you asked him to stop with the texts and the calls. Log everything for the police.

I say this for very practical legal reasons. So that when he does not show up, you can have a guard witness the breaking of the access order and if its repeated enough it can be revoked or it will stand to you in court.

Do not feel you have to take his **** just so he sees his kids. You dont. And if he doesnt see his kids, he doesn't see them. He will have to answer to them one day and they will see through it all.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thank you Sharrow, Metrovelet and Permabear.

there are so many calls and texts a day I'd have to have the pen at the ready around the clock! The only time it stops temporarily is when he texts or phones later to say "I've smashed another phone off a wall over you". In some cases I've replied to him stupidly, because he'd say vicious things to me about the kids - the latest one is our youngest son isn't his. My heart is broken he can be that hurtful, all because he's not happy he doesnt "own" me anymore. And that what I've known for a long time, I was just his property to use and abuse.

I had a visit today from social (disability because I've been attending mental health) and she completely obliterated me. I'm on medication to get me by and putting up with financial stress and my exes constant harassment. I'm one of these silly people that will smile for the audience while my head explodes inside. Day to day stuff is such a huge task for me.

You've all given me a little boost though everyone, I know I need to get the formalities sorted out. I've been cowardly because I didnt want to deal with my ex, but I have to I guess. It's crazy, I adore my children yet I wish I never had them for my ex. It makes me so sad.

thanks for your replies guys.

up for anything

If you call your local women's refuge they are very good and will support you with advice and someone to talk to even if you don't avail of their refuge service. You sound like you could do with some moral support. It's tough being scared of someone. I know.

IrishEyes19

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

Thank you Permabear and Sleepy. You've both very good points. I've been keeping a lot of my texts and voicemails, they count right? or should I write this stuff down? It's so embaressing the stuff he says to me In much the same way I made to feel guilty that my sons didn't have married parents, the guilt now lies with me yet again. I'm seen to be splitting up a family. The things he is sayiing to his family about me, and they're soaking it up.. I've never felt such same. These are my kids aunts and uncles

I do see the sense of getting away from him, that's why I initiated the split. Feeling guilty about splitting up a family held me back the whole time. My ex uses this every time he texts or calls me. I'm so low I have to admit it's getting to me.

My boys are happy ones, cuddle and tell me they love me a few times a day. I just hope there wont be a later backlash for what I've done.


Is the social actually able to MAKE you seek maintenance from an ex? I want nothing to do with him

You havent done anything wrong, OP, and there wont be a backlash, we all make mistakes in relationships and at the time, you felt it was the right thing, in retrospect I bet you dont regret your two little boys, so out of bad things, also come good things. the fact that they love you tells you that everyday.

You have to be strong in this sense and unfortunately its only natural your ex's family would believe him. Maybe you should leave for a while, would you consider moving or is it possible. Dont feel guilty about splitting up a family, some families have to split up for the greater good, your kids wouldnt benefit from how your ex acts and certainly not from any fighting that could occur between the both of you as a result of it.

As seperation goes, theres always going to be a tension as a result of it and more than often the other parent uses the kids as an example to guilt the other parent. you just have to rise above this, your kids wont understand now and even when they are older and question the split, you know deep down you did what was right. It takes courage and guts to walk away from emotionally abusive relationships and it will be tough. But if you do right by yourself and your children, when they are older, they will have nothing but good words to say about you. All the require now is a strong good mother who is there for them at this time, and thats the image that will remain with them as they grow older. So do whatever you feel is right, so far you have, at least you can see it isnt right whats happening. So best of luck!!!

lordgoat

Op, i've read all this thread and my heart breaks for you.

Keep going, get out of this and everytime one of your sons hugs you, you know it's worthwhile.

The advice you've gotten so far is better than any i could have given, just wanted to let you know that i think you're truly amazing for going through all this.

Your kids will remember you for being there and loving them. This is what's important.

Keep going and take care.

Big Bag of Chips

You are doing your best for your children. However hard it might feel now, and however bad you feel, think.. think about the sort of childhood you'd like for them. Think about the sort of men you'd like them to turn into. Think about what you'd want them to do, years down the line if they were in a similar situation.

www.womensaid.ie

Contact Women's Aid, they will give you advice and all the help you could possibly need.

Taltos

OP - for what it is worth my sister went through and is going thru something similar. Only differences are the sex of your kids and the time you were together.

She is a few years down this path and can I just reassure you that it does get better... Don't give up.

Some pointers though.
1. Don't reply to his texts
2. Don't ever ever give in to any of his emotional blackmail - even if you think that the kids will suffer - they will suffer more in the long-run - if he chooses to miss out that is his choice.
3. Document everything
4. Seek all you are entitled too and protect yourself - ie imagine worst case - he seeks custody again - do not be surprised by his actions or lies - it will always be about control
5. Around 4 - get some legal advice - some good legal advice - the legal route though is expensive. My sis's issue is she has continually held back from using the full force of the legal team in an effort to protect her children - however all are now suffering as a result.

Do what you can to stay strong - and don't for one second doubt yourself. Especially if he goes the route of spreading lies and falsehoods about you. Find someone you can confide in - maybe a counsellor - someone to help you work through the really dark times...

LeoB

You have got good pointers here I would just reenforece the following

• Write everything down in duplicate, (carbon paper)
• Record details of every call and text. Time and duration ect
• Forward text msgs to another phone. family or friend you can trust
• Look forward at all times. Think of the damage he could do to your children without you being there for them

Give a daily copy of all contact to a family member or trusted fried in case you lose your phone and also a copy of what you write down, Contact your local Gardái and ask to speak with a Ban Garda or community affairs officer and give them copies also. Look upon this as building block for your future with your boys.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you all so much for your replies and support. It is so difficult going it alone with my boys, and with his constant tirade of abuse and emotional black-mail it's making things a hundred times worse for me. My head is just spinning from it all and that frightens me. I don't live near my childrens school, so I've to drive them there. I feel so distracted all of the time, it even frightens me to drive.

I have been keeping all of his messages that he's sent me, and the phone has recorded the times of the calls too, I will write all of these down today. I obviously still have to keep some contact with him because of the kids, and during a conversation I had with him this morning about seeing them again I pleaded with him to just let me go and focus on our sons. It's clear as day he has no intentions of doing so, because all he kept saying is that he couldn't stomach me sleeping with another man (in the future). I don't understand why he would even want to try fight for someone he disrespects so much. My main aim is to give my boys the best life I can possibly give them and to somehow grow up to be as untainted by their fathers behaviour as possible. My eldest son told me before that his father verbally attacks him and has furious rages when he can't contact me when he is minding them. From what I can tell he is bad-mouthing me to them too. It hurts so much that he cannot see past our broken relationship and focus on these two little people who didn't ask to come into the world.

I know what he did to me all of these years was so wrong. I've made a step that I know is in my boys best interests, but it is so unfair that he still gets to punish me, and now drag the boys into the gutter too. I've my doubts he's going to be grown up about it any time soon, but hope that in time he might ease off me a little.


Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

Morag

Don't get into personal and emotional exchanges with him.
I know it's hard but don't let him drag conversations into that.

Please take your phone to the garda station and see about getting a safety order esp with the talk of

couldn't stomach me sleeping with another man

I don't mean to scare you but the majority of women killed/murdered in Ireland are killed by their current or ex partner.

It is all about control he is trying to control you and will try use the children as hostages to his bad behaviour to force you to behave in a manner he wishes.

You have to learn to harden your heart and every time he starts getting at you and inside your head you have to find a way to combat it. Find a phrase to help push it aside, be it 'you have no power over me' or 'christ what an arsehole' you have to learn to change your emotional responses to his tirades and you are right he doesn't respect you. Seriously every time he texts you or rings you try saying even in your own mind 'christ what an arsehole' and push back that his issues are his and not yours and not your fault or responsibility.

For some 'fathers' they resent the freedom the mother of their child has while they have the kids, they see it as enabling the mother to do things rather then spending bonding family time with the kids and will try and dick both the mother and the kids about to have some control.

Once you know he's trying those power games, don't get into them, I know it's hard but
he is no longer your partner and your personal life is none of is damn business.

Ideally he should be putting is kids first and not subjecting them to his temper tantrums and outbursts about you, but it sounds like he is a very selfish person. He's selfish, you are not you are trying to do your best, don't let him drag you down.

LegacyUser

Sharrow wrote: »

Don't get into personal and emotional exchanges with him.
I know it's hard but don't let him drag conversations into that.

It is very hard. I try to keep the conversation about our kids, but he always talks over me bombarding me about questions about what I'll be doing while he has the kids. It's so infuriating.

Please take your phone to the garda station and see about getting a safety order esp with the talk of I don't mean to scare you but the majority of women killed/murdered in Ireland are killed by their current or ex partner.

You won't be the first person to make that comment to me. I remember before I got pregnant with my second son, my father stood in the hallway of my home after my ex was taken away by the gardai and put in the drink tank for the night, and said to me "you will end up like that local woman that was skulled by her husband". He was referring to a horrific murder that happened nearby a few years ago. I remember being completely rattled by what my father had said to me, and it upset me that he was so afraid for his daughter. What happened next was I eventually bought into my exes apologies, claims that he'd change, "I don't know why I did that, I love you so much", tears and all.

It is all about control he is trying to control you and will try use the children as hostages to his bad behaviour to force you to behave in a manner he wishes.

You have to learn to harden your heart and every time he starts getting at you and inside your head you have to find a way to combat it. Find a phrase to help push it aside, be it 'you have no power over me' or 'christ what an arsehole' you have to learn to change your emotional responses to his tirades and you are right he doesn't respect you. Seriously every time he texts you or rings you try saying even in your own mind 'christ what an arsehole' and push back that his issues are his and not yours and not your fault or responsibility.

I know you are right about hardening up with him. I'm just absolutely worn out as a mother, and at such a low ebb at the moment, it's very hard to muster up the energy to deal with him.

For some 'fathers' they resent the freedom the mother of their child has while they have the kids, they see it as enabling the mother to do things rather then spending bonding family time with the kids and will try and dick both the mother and the kids about to have some control.

Once you know he's trying those power games, don't get into them, I know it's hard but
he is no longer your partner and your personal life is none of is damn business.

I've told him dozens of times that what I do in my free time is mine to do with what I wish, to which he replies that I'm "going off to shag other men". It really does wear me down. I know I will have to persevere with him.

Ideally he should be putting is kids first and not subjecting them to his temper tantrums and outbursts about you, but it sounds like he is a very selfish person. He's selfish, you are not you are trying to do your best, don't let him drag you down.

Trying my best, thanks for your advice Sharrow.

Taltos

OP - please do take the advice and concern to heart. The picture you paint is one of an unstable and jealous man - easily capable of that ultimate act.

In terms of your last chat - I know why you tried - but can you not see that you were still engaging with him? Don't ask or plead - just inform and walk away. Whatever he tries to do to strike up a conversation it is all about control - so don't let him.

Definitely get legal involved for visitation (under supervision) & money for their support.

But please stop immediately trying to get him to do what you want.
If you must tell him what you want and do it as much as you can.
Again keep records on everything.

I know your dad scared you - but he is right - especially if we are talking about the same woman being murdered - she went thru years of abuse before she was killed.

Morag

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

It is very hard. I try to keep the conversation about our kids, but he always talks over me bombarding me about questions about what I'll be doing while he has the kids. It's so infuriating.

Honestly I would start hanging up on him when he starts that, tell him it's none of his business and if he mentions it again you will hang up.
It will he hard to do and you'd want to get your phone to silent and ignore the barrage that will follow but he'll get the message.

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

You won't be the first person to make that comment to me. I remember before I got pregnant with my second son, my father stood in the hallway of my home after my ex was taken away by the gardai and put in the drink tank for the night, and said to me "you will end up like that local woman that was skulled by her husband". He was referring to a horrific murder that happened nearby a few years ago. I remember being completely rattled by what my father had said to me, and it upset me that he was so afraid for his daughter. What happened next was I eventually bought into my exes apologies, claims that he'd change, "I don't know why I did that, I love you so much", tears and all.

Have you spoken to your parents about what is going on atm?

So there are issue with alcohol as well, would you consider going to an al anon meeting? Many alcoholics lash out and try control those around them when they can't control themselves. You will find other people who have been where you are and they will be able to share with you how they deal with it.

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

I know you are right about hardening up with him. I'm just absolutely worn out as a mother, and at such a low ebb at the moment, it's very hard to muster up the energy to deal with him.

I understand how utterly draining and demoralising it can be, esp when just trying to function to do the basic tasks to look after the kids and the house are a struggle, but all the more reason to put p a force sheild and try detach emotionally as much as possible from him. Save your engry for yourself and your kids. Spend the evening with the kids, go for a walk or to the park or watch a movie, just banish him from your toughs for 2/3 hours and have fun with them, watch something funny and laugh, it's a great stress buster.

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

I've told him dozens of times that what I do in my free time is mine to do with what I wish, to which he replies that I'm "going off to shag other men". It really does wear me down. I know I will have to persevere with him.

No you will will have to persevere despite him.

He was the cheater those are his own issues and insecurities coming to the surface, his. He feel like crap so is trying to blame you and make you feel worse then he is feeling. 'I'm rubber your glue, bounces of me and sticks to you' is another little great chant to have in your head, helps you figure out and see that they are his issues and his negativity and you don't have to take it on.

Personally if that was being ranted at me I'd be temped to say yup i am off out to shag a soccer team, next week it's a rugby team and the week after it's the the local GAA club, but I doubt saying that would help.


Have you made any changes to the house in the time he's left?
Esp your bedroom?
It;s amazing what even moving a few bits of furniture can do, even if it's just a band of colour down the back of your bed room door if all you can afford is two testers from a hardware store. I know it's daft but it works,
also what about music? What did you used to listen to before you met him?
What music do you love but he hated so you never played it in the house?

When the place doesn't look the same or feel the same and you know just when you wake up and look around that your life has changed, and changed for the better and you made that change happen and you can and will go on to make more changes.

Me, the kids, my ex, and Irene wrote: »

Trying my best, thanks for your advice Sharrow.

I am sure your kids will love you and thank you for it.

Fox McCloud

Sorry to hear about what your going through OP. I know you've left the relationship physically but now its time to leave him emotionally and cut his control on you.

You need to realise this is not someone capable of caring for anyone, you or your kids. He is broken. You cannot rationalise with him. You cannot get through to him on any human level. 'He', the man you thought you married and had children with does not exist. He never did. You were manipulated, do not blame yourself for any of the past. YOU did nothing wrong. HE did ALL the wrong.

Now you understand what your dealing with, a cold man with his sights on controling and crushing you. You need to use every means available to you to protect yourself and your kids. The best people to help you with this are womens aid/shelters.

He will do anything to get back his control. He will use lie to everyone, his familly, the guards, the courts, social workers, your familly. He will try to paint a picture of a mentally unstable women who is a danger to her kids and society. Everything he has done to you and your kids he will switch and say you did it to him. That way, when you tell everyone his hope is that no one will believe you. Thats why you need to be proactive and get there first.

You need to call womens aid, also get help with citizens advice about free legal aid. Go to the guards and tell them your afraid of what he might do next.

liah

If you want to do right by your kids, keep this man out of your life.

My mother went through much the same situation as you-- she was with an emotionally abusive, drugged out man (my father) who beat her, ducked out on his appointments with me, emotionally manipulated her, the works. So, she took me away from him.

It was the best thing she ever did.

Trust me, OP-- it will not be an easy road. I had lots of questions about my dad growing up and I got mad about it because I didn't understand then. But now, as an adult, I have so much love and respect and admiration, more than you could possibly imagine, for my mother having the courage to break away from him-- I would never have had that if she didn't. In fact, I would probably resent her. And I would probably be a much, much, much more damaged person than I am now. I'm so happy that she did what she did, for her sake, and mine.

No kid wants to grow up watching their mother be abused, and you can't tell for certain whether or not he will eventually turn on your kids. Do you really want to take that chance? That one day, he will do what he did to you to one, or both, of your sons? That he could emotionally manipulate them, physically hurt them? You know you couldn't live with yourself, so do the right thing, for your sake AND the sake of your sons.

Turn in all evidence you have to the Gardai immediately and start legal proceedings to get him out of your life. And if that doesn't work-- just leave. I don't care what the law says, your mental and physical health is worth far more than that.

metrovelvet

liah wrote: »

If you want to do right by your kids, keep this man out of your life.

My mother went through much the same situation as you-- she was with an emotionally abusive, drugged out man (my father) who beat her, ducked out on his appointments with me, emotionally manipulated her, the works. So, she took me away from him.

It was the best thing she ever did.

Trust me, OP-- it will not be an easy road. I had lots of questions about my dad growing up and I got mad about it because I didn't understand then. But now, as an adult, I have so much love and respect and admiration, more than you could possibly imagine, for my mother having the courage to break away from him-- I would never have had that if she didn't. In fact, I would probably resent her. And I would probably be a much, much, much more damaged person than I am now. I'm so happy that she did what she did, for her sake, and mine.

No kid wants to grow up watching their mother be abused, and you can't tell for certain whether or not he will eventually turn on your kids. Do you really want to take that chance? That one day, he will do what he did to you to one, or both, of your sons? That he could emotionally manipulate them, physically hurt them? You know you couldn't live with yourself, so do the right thing, for your sake AND the sake of your sons.

Turn in all evidence you have to the Gardai immediately and start legal proceedings to get him out of your life. And if that doesn't work-- just leave. I don't care what the law says, your mental and physical health is worth far more than that.

Bingo. ANd if you DONT do what Liah suggests, your kids will resent you and not trust you because you didnt protect them.

Neyite

OP, you may not realise it, but you have already taken the hardest step.

Contact your local womens shelter - its not merely a place to stay, but the wonderful staff there will counsel you, and have lots and lots of advice for your road ahead. They dont judge anyone, and they have seen it all.

Do it asap.

http://www.womensaid.ie/?gclid=CLXquseb5acCFUFC4Qod8HnQ8g

metrovelvet

Sorry OP. I just re read your original post and I hadnt realised this has been going for a year now with no improvements.

Listen to Liah.

Get away and keep your kids away.

common sense brigade

i dont often say this but get on a plane and emigrate and never let him near those kids again.