boyfriend moving away for year

LegacyUser

basically I've been with my boyfriend for three years and he is talking (seriously) about moving away for a year to study abroad. now we are currently in a long distance reletionship, and when he comes back it will be the same situation. we are both 21.

i'm just wondering is it madness for us to stay together for a year, i feel like i will be putting my life on hold for a year, basically waiting for him to come home. i know i will see him while he is away, but it obviously won't be as much as i'm used to. tbh i don't want to be with anybody else but i feel like i'm being forced into making a very serious descion which will ultimately change everything i've known and loved for the past three years.

if anybody could shed some light on this i'd be really happy, i don't want to hold my boyfriend back from all these experiences and i know for a fact he hasn't contemplated the fact that we mightn't stay together.

am i being very selfish in even considering this? after all a year is a very long time.

Scarinae

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how your relationship will work with him away for a year? If not, you should have a chat about it, and see where you both stand on the issue. Will you trust each other? Will you feel left out not knowing his new friends, and will you be jealous if he makes friends with girls? Are you prepared to put in the effort to stay in regular contact - can you manage by email, text and skype? Are you prepared to go and visit him, and is he prepared to come back and visit you? If he stays behind just to be with you, will you worry that he resents it? Is there any possibility that you could move over there with him? Will he definitely come back after the year is over - is it an erasmus year? - or is there a possibility that he will stay on if there are better job prospects there for him?

I'm in a long-distance relationship myself. I moved to London for a year to do a masters (we had been together two and a half years at this point), and I'm still here even though it finished in September. A few months after I moved, my boyfriend was offered a job in Africa that he would have been crazy to turn down. We manage, but it can be tough. We have to trust each other completely, as it just wouldn't work if we were jealous. I've had to get used to having a lot less contact with him as well - we were in the same college course before, so I was used to seeing him every day, bar some summers that we both spent abroad. Now when he is on fieldwork I might get a text every few days, and rarely get to speak to him on the phone. This is an extreme case, since my boyfriend works in a remote desert - chances are your boyfriend will have internet access and a phone number. I'm just writing this to let you know that it can work if you really want it to. However, only you and your boyfriend can honestly say if you are able to, and want to, keep it going.

Azureus

Long distance is not something I have ever done, and as above it can clearly work, but as a general rule I do not think they are a good idea.

You say yourself that you feel like you will be putting your life on hold for a year until he comes back .You are very young, now is not the time to be wishing your life away waiting for other people, its the time to get out and live! Will you resent him in years to come for this? Did your boyfriend factor you in the decision when he spoke about it? What are his views? Its something that really only the two of you can decide between you, because every relationship is so unique. But its going to massively change the dynamic of your relationship and huge effort and trust is going t have to be invested on either end. Talk. And talk and talk and talk... Its the only advice I can really give. Fishie has given you a great guideline of the issues that come up when in a ldr so use that as a basis for your conversations.

Good luck.

lace

You don't sound too happy about the idea of putting your life on hold for a year. I know it's a scary decision to break out of a three-year relationship when there are no obvious problems, but nobody's saying you have to make that decision right away.

Talk it out with your man and decide whether or not to give long-distance a try. If, after a few months, it's not working out then you can always re-visit the idea of a breakup.

If you both feel a long distance relationship would hold you back from having experiences and meeting people, you could always decide to have your freedom for a year and see how it goes. Either of you could end up meeting someone else and moving on. Or you could end up back together when he gets home. Only time could tell really.

The best plan of action is communication. Talk about it loads now before he leaves and, if you decide to stay together, talk loads while he's gone and be sure to be completely open about how you're both feeling about the relationship.

unsure90

unsure90 wrote: »

basically I've been with my boyfriend for three years and he is talking (seriously) about moving away for a year to study abroad. now we are currently in a long distance reletionship, and when he comes back it will be the same situation. we are both 21.
i'm just wondering is it madness for us to stay together for a year, i feel like i will be putting my life on hold for a year, basically waiting for him to come home. i know i will see him while he is away, but it obviously won't be as much as i'm used to. tbh i don't want to be with anybody else but i feel like i'm being forced into making a very serious descion which will ultimately change everything i've known and loved for the past three years.

if anybody could shed some light on this i'd be really happy, i don't want to hold my boyfriend back from all these experiences and i know for a fact he hasn't contemplated the fact that we mightn't stay together.

am i being very selfish in even considering this? after all a year is a very long time.

I dont understand, you're already in a LDR and you'll still be in one when he moves? What is the difference?

tatabubbly

I'm in the same situation kinda.

Boyfriend can only get his qualification abroad, finish his degree and we live together..
He's planned to go away next year for the year to study and finish up.
It's the best thing for him and i'm happy that he will be able to progress but i'll still miss him..


You need to ask yourself, are you ok with him not being there? For your birthday, weekends going to the cinema, shopping together, cooking together? Can you see a future??

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I feel for you as this can be a stressful and difficult time. I have experienced and witnessed long distance relationships in three situations.

Firstly myself. When my Mrs and I got together we were very young, around your age. We had a good year or so together before she went to the States for a bit. She was gone a year. It was tough. We emailed and phoned etc, but it was tough. The thing is, we knew before she left that we loved each other, and the plan was that she would always come back, and come back she did, and many years later we are happily married and still very much in love.

Now, while I accept the idea that sometimes we might have to live apart to improve our lives, this is something she is adamantly against. Not that it is an issue for us, but it might be as we are in jobs that can require us to change towns at only a few months notice. So it'll be interesting to see how that plays out over the next while. Whatever happens, I'm confident we'll find a way to make it work.


Secondly my brother. He met this girl, fell in love and they were together a few months (6 or so) she also said she loved him. As she was finishing Uni she wanted to go to the US for work experience as there weren't many jobs around in her field. I could tell from talking to him, right from the start that he wasn't keen on the idea of a LDR and had no faith in it, but he said he would give it a go, as it was what she wanted and he did care for her also. But he didn't want to ask her to stay with him, he was afraid that it was too much responsibility to take on, what if she stayed and things didn't work out, etc.? So anyway, she went away and inevitabely he broke up with her after a few months as he just couldn't handle the distance. She was surprised and heart broken cause she had no idea he felt that way as she'd asked him about it before she left. But after a few months they started chatting again and got back together while still apart. She came back for a visit and they had a bit of time together but she is gone again. They are still in love and want to make it work. I hope it has a happy ending. My brother didn't realise what he wanted till he didn't have her anymore and it just wasn't the same for him with other girls. I knew this was the case but I knew he had to make up his own mind on it as well. He was lucky she took him back.

Last scenario: My parents. Married, god only knows how many years. I think they have easily spent half their married years apart, working in different cities, making sacrifices for their own future and that of their children. Didn't get to start living together properly till late 40s- early 50s, but they plowed through.

So I come from a very biased perspective but here is the summary of how I feel about this:

Long distance can work if:

You love each other.
You realise what you mean to each other (assuming the above is true)
And You both go into it with your eyes open knowing it will be hard.

I'm sure for many people it doesn't work out.

Personally, I think people just don't want to bother to make the effort in relationships anyway and just dump at the first sign of any discomfort, but that's for another thread.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

HoneyRyder

I broke up with a longterm boyfriend prior to going travelling because I felt it would have been unfair to expect him to 'wait' for me whilst I was off having fun with my friends (He was in a prestigious job and therefore unable to come too) He claimed he was happy to wait but I felt guilty at the prospect of imposing that on him. I guess there is no unequivocal answer to this, just whatever works for you and your relationship.

LegacyUser

op here, thank you so much to everybody who wrote back, i really do appriciate it. anyway i found out he is definitely going, we had a long talk about it, and there will be many more before he goes. still not sure what is going to happen. he definitely wants to stay together, i guess i'm just not as certain as him as to what to do. only time will tell but perhaps a few extra 100 kilometres isn't enough to end what we have. cheers again X