What makes for a "real" relationship?

LegacyUser

Dear all,

I have been with my bf for one year now. I love him very much and I love spending time with him. However, I have a very demanding job (12h a day + some work at home) and very little time for myself.

He has been unemployed for the past year, so he has lots of free time. He also has two daughters from a previous relationship, and a sort of co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife, which means he sees the girls almost every day of the week. He also loves to have relatives/friends visiting him as often as possible, in a full party mode. We live in different towns (about 40 min away by car), public transportation is somewhat bad and we don’t have a car at the moment.

I love seeing him and spending time with him, but I also arrive home really tired from work and the only time I have available for doing my house chores or anything personal (hobbies/talking to my family/friends/reading, organising my documents etc) is during the weekend.

We have tried to keep a routine of seeing each other during the week, at least once or twice, and spend weekends together. So far I have been seeing him every single weekend, but that involves cancelling with friends and overlooking my personal life, and often spending the weekend in his place with his friends hanging around all the time.

He suggested that we should live together at his place, but I feel like it would be overwhelming at the moment, as I would end up very far away from my work, and to be honest I would resent if I arrived from work tired and had to deal with two kids and/or drunken friends on a regular basis, plus never get to go into town or see my own friends, as I would be far away from them.

He wants to spend more time together, but I really can’t do so without harming my work and personal life.

How would you see this relationship? Is it really necessary to share a house to actually have a true relationship? I know so many couples who live together but have no intimacy/quality time whatsoever… I don’t understand why he resents the way things are right now.

I guess I’m hoping for a bit of perspective. Is it me who is being selfish? Or are we in different wavelengths? Or is it ok to have a relationship and not living together in the first years, if one person has a time consuming job and the other one wants to keep their relationship with kids/family/friends as it has always been?

Thank you for your input!

LegacyUser

why doesnt he do the vice versa? moving to your place, and visiting the kids or beinging them when needed..

look at it and balance it, its in no way reasonable to leave your life you are trying to build to live with a homeless (not literally) guy, while he has nothing to lose if he changes his life and moves into your house/accomodation.


in this recession, you should kiss your foot and hand everyday for having a job! and for also being able to manage your social life.. do not let anybody at all costs play with it..

g luck

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks a lot for the reply.

You are right, I have to stop fallling into the guilt trip trap. I feel bad about having to go to work now!!

He initially suggested we could get a house together a bit closer to my work, but I just dont feel comfortable with the idea of living together with someone that always has children/ex/friends around at any time without notice and without any plans of when to leave, physically taking space in the house and taking his time.

He has had friends staying over 6 months in the past... for valid reasons (they didnt have where to go), but still...it could easily happen again.

Friends/relatives still come quite often to spend like 4 days smoking and drinking and partying in the sitting room. And ex and kids call any time day or night, and sometimes he has to go see the kid without any previous plans, or help the ex with some DIY.

Rereading my post... I'm just wasting my time, ain't I?

Thanks a lot for the advice and opnions!

seenitall

doubtsdoubtsdoubts wrote: »

Rereading my post... I'm just wasting my time, ain't I?

Bingo.

I am a believer that a couple doesn't have to live together to be happy, BUT completely different lifestyles and priorities spell trouble down the line = not worth it, IMO.