Did i cheat?

LegacyUser

I was on a night out recently with group of friends and friends of friends, mostly girls. By the end of the night we were all a little drunk and having a good time. When half the group was leaving one girl who i had been getting on well with (not flirting or anything of the sort, just chatting) came over to say goodbye and surprised me with a kiss that i didnt stop. I was genuinely surprised cause im not the kind of guy that that stuff ever happens to but i noticed she dropped her coat so i went after her to give it back and she kissed me again and left. I should also mention that she was on a trip to Ireland so if it was anything it was a goodbye kiss only between two drunk people who wont see each other again any time soon.

Obviously im not trying to justify my actions, regardless of comments i receive i know ive done a very bad thing that i really regret. The reason im asking is because ive very little experience with women and even less with relationships(im in my first) and im not sure just how bad this is, i want to know if ive done something unforgivable, there was nothing premeditated in it and i obviously would not have taken it further if the option had presented itself. I've always prided myself on being trustworthy and that went out the window the other night.

Azureus

How long are you with your girlfriend for?

What kind of kiss was it? A 'mwah' on the lips, or involving tongue?
These are the crucial questions.

If my boyfriends lips touched another girls I would be pished, no doubt about that. Drunk is no excuse.

Every couples definition of cheating differs though to be honest.

Judging by you posting this thread, im guessing you know it was more than innocent. Regardless of whether you would have taken it further / that you wont see her for a long time, you kissed another woman because she offered it up to you. That could and probably will happen again, so its not really fair on your girlfriend. Its just plain disrespectful to the relationship if anything.

John400

A girl who's the worst for wear came over to kiss the OP, who was probably the worst for wear himself. These things happen when alcohol's involved sometimes.

OP, believe me in no way whatsoever did you cheat.

It was a drunken smooch.

Canard

Sorry but I disagree, he didnt "in no way cheat". Small as it was, yes he did. If its something you wouldnt like if your OH found out about, its probably cheating. imo you should casually mention it maybe, while explaining the honest truth behind it, but dont lie.

baby and crumble

No-one can tell you if you cheated, because everyone's ideas about what constitutes that is based on their own opinions and the circumstances of their relationships.

Some people assert that flirting is cheating. I don't.

Some people say it's mutual kissing that constitutes cheating. That's where I come in. (I don't think someone kissing you is cheating, unless you don't pull away after it's clear you're kissing someone, if that makes sense?)

Others say it's only sexual touching, some say that it's not until your genitals learn about each other (;)) that you're cheating. It's all based on individual circumstances.

If you feel bad, talk to your girlfriend. But be very aware, she might think you have cheated, and therefore want to re-evaluate the relationship. then again, she might not. Either way, you seem to not know where the boundaries are in YOUR relationship, so that might be a conversation worth having.

LighterGuy

Did you cheat? ... yes.
Was it intentional? ... no.

See, because you kissed the girl. Its seen as cheating. As you are in a relationship. But it really just sounds like "it suddenly happened" - which is usually a cliche excuse for cheating (which you should never believe) but, as I say, in your case it did just suddenly happen


What should you do?
Just forget about it. Theres no need to be honest to your girlfriend and potentially destroy your relationship over a stupid kiss. The keypart here was you werent flirting with her all night long. You cant claim something to be a mistake if its something you want and were secrectly pushing to happen. So mate, you're ok. Just forget about it and obviously dont kiss another girl again while in your relationship


ps,
... because you say friends were there. Be cautious of one of them telling your girlfriend. Which would open a can of worms.

teaspach

It doesn't matter whether we think it was cheating or not.. all that matters is what your girlfriend thinks. Honesty is always the best policy. Talk to her. She's probably going to find out anyway. Bad news travels fast. Explain exactly what happened, as you have here. BUT... there are three possible outcomes to this conversation:

• She dumps you on the spot
• She thinks it's no big deal
• She is extremely upset but appreciates your honesty, and thinks it's not worth breaking up over.

If the outcome is number one, then it was cheating in her book, and that's the only one that matters. If she doesn't think it's a big deal, then she may have a looser relationship with monogamy than you may have imagined. Consider then how you might feel if she came home with the same story. Number three if you're lucky, but don't ever do it again... relationships are built on trust, and it's best not to mess with that, unless you want a life of grief.

There's probably a fourth outcome, she goes mental and then breaks up with you..

Think about it this way; if your girlfriend went on a night out and some guy she had been getting along with really well kissed her, and she didn't stop him, and he dropped his coat and she ran after him and gave it to him and he kissed her again, would you be ok with it?

There's no way for anyone here to know how your girlfriend will see it. In my view it would be cheating, but a forgivable kind, given that my boyfriend knew it was never to happen again.

kjl

What if you found out that your girlfriend did the exact same thing, would you consider it to be cheating?

Distorted

Yes, you cheated. You kissed another woman. Twice. Its not feasible that a man could be so inexperienced with women that he couldn't stop a woman kissing him and then has to go after her to pick up her coat so that he is near enough to her to kiss him again. If you were my boyfriend and I found this out, I would dump you.

The Lovely Muffin

Azureus wrote: »

Regardless of whether you would have taken it further / that you wont see her for a long time, you kissed another woman because she offered it up to you. That could and probably will happen again, so its not really fair on your girlfriend. Its just plain disrespectful to the relationship if anything.

+1.

You say she kissed you, but you didn't pull away when she made a move, instead, you continued with the kiss.

If it happened again, would you continue the kiss like you did this time, or would you pull away? If you let it continue, then IMO, it speaks volumes about you/your lack of respect towards your girlfriend/relationship.

IMO, you showed no respect to your girlfriend/relationship when the kiss happened.

You should probably think about why you didn't pull away from the girl when she kissed you.

zoegh wrote: »

No-one can tell you if you cheated, because everyone's ideas about what constitutes that is based on their own opinions and the circumstances of their relationships.

Some people assert that flirting is cheating. I don't.

Some people say it's mutual kissing that constitutes cheating. That's where I come in. (I don't think someone kissing you is cheating, unless you don't pull away after it's clear you're kissing someone, if that makes sense?)

Others say it's only sexual touching, some say that it's not until your genitals learn about each other (;)) that you're cheating. It's all based on individual circumstances.

If you feel bad, talk to your girlfriend. But be very aware, she might think you have cheated, and therefore want to re-evaluate the relationship. then again, she might not. Either way, you seem to not know where the boundaries are in YOUR relationship, so that might be a conversation worth having.

+1 to this.

Being drunk is no excuse.

If it were the other way around, and your girlfriend kissed someone, how would you feel? Would prefer to know or would you prefer for her to keep it a secret?

The truth always comes out, it might not come out now, but it will eventually, and the sooner your girlfriend finds out (from you, no one else) the better, because the longer you leave it the harder it will be to tell her and she will (probably) be more hurt that you lied/tried to conceal the truth rather than being honest with her.

Sometimes lying/concealing the truth can be more hurtful than actually admitting what happened.

IMO, your better off telling your girlfriend yourself rather than hiding it and then her finding out from someone else.

If you were my boyfriend, I would dump you.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here, thanks for all the replies, its extremely helpful to me to get an outside perspective. We've been going out 2 months to answer a previous question.

kjl wrote: »

What if you found out that your girlfriend did the exact same thing, would you consider it to be cheating?

I feel like this is a really valid question that some of you may be wondering and tbh i cant answer it, as i said, ive very little experience being in a relationship so i'd be lying if i said i knew how it would affect me but im sure i'd be bothered by it to a certain extent which is exactly why i feel terrible about what i did.

Distorted wrote: »

Yes, you cheated. You kissed another woman. Twice. Its not feasible that a man could be so inexperienced with women that he couldn't stop a woman kissing him and then has to go after her to pick up her coat so that he is near enough to her to kiss him again. If you were my boyfriend and I found this out, I would dump you.

I didnt say i didnt know what was going on, ive been completely honest with myself and in my original post, I fully admit that i allowed it to go on. I was merely stating my inexperience is the reason im asking advice on the whole area. Im not asking if it was wrong, im more then aware that it was but i appreciate your honesty.

Azureus

If there is ANY way that she will find out about this, then I'd advise talking to your girlfriend and explaining exactly what happened. Expect her to be annoyed, possibly expect the worse. I think what you did was forgiveable purely because you are being so upfront about it and clearly feel guilty, but its all about how your girlfriend feels.

Two months is early days, but if you want this relationship to continue I would be honest with her now. She wont like it but if she finds out about it down the line, its going to lead to all kinds of problems, insecurities and trust issues. There is nothing worse than being the only one who doesnt know about something, honesty is everything is a realtionship. This is how I define cheating-if you wouldnt be comfortable with your girlfriend doing xyz, then don't do it yourself. Learn from it.

lace

it sounds like it technically might have been cheating, depending on what your girlfriend's definition of cheating is. though if you've only been going out for two months maybe you don't know her well enough to know what that definition is.

best bet is probably to explain it to her just as you explained it here. it's better than her hearing it from somewhere else. she'll at least be glad you owned up to it and recognized you'd made a mistake in not pulling away from the kiss and allowing it to happen again (even though you didn't initiate it).

there's no knowing how she'll react. she may be fine with it, she may not believe your side of the story, she may be very angry and/or upset. what's important is that, if you two are staying together, you have a talk about what you both consider acceptable. is flirting okay as long as it doesn't go anywhere? does a kiss count if you didn't intend for it to happen? what do you both consider as cheating?

she'll probably also need some reassurance that you're never going to do it again, and you'll need to be sure you don't.