Boyfriend's parents

LegacyUser

I would really appreciate if I could get an outside perspective on this. Sorry for the long post.

I'm in a relatively new relationship with a fantastic guy and we have a brilliant time together. We share many of the same values and beliefs and have the same sense of humour. We seem very compatible.

However, there is one issue. He is currently in college doing a very intensive programme and works long, hard hours. Initially, he came up to me (he lives in a different county - about 1.5 hours drive) on saturday nights and would go home the following evening. But recently, we agreed that i'd go down to him on thurs nights as well. He lives with his parents.

So - a few weeks ago, I meet the parents for the first time. All goes really well. However, this is my issue. I got there for about 7 and we sat in the kitchen with them and had sandwiches etc. About 3.5 hours later, they went to bed and my boyfriend was knackered and we went to bed an hour later (seperate beds in the same room).. At the time, I felt like it was a long time to be socialising with his parents.

Fast forward to today and we are in his house - getting there about 4. My boyfriend had gardening stuff to take care of with his dad and went out the back for about 30 mins. Meanwhile, I was in the kitchen chatting with his sister. All was well. Lovely girl. Then, the rugby was on which I have limited interest in. I was thinking - ah grand, sure we'l just watch the match and maybe out later on. But we watched that and then the next match. 6.5 hours later with his dad in the room watching rugby... I was kinda bored. He is an absolute sweetheart of a man and a real pleasure to talk to. Now, I don't mind spending time with him but I just think that amount of time is a little excessive.

So - when the dad went out of the room, I spoke to my boyfriend about it. At this stage I was a little agitated and didn't handle it as best I could. But I basically said that I wanted to spend more time with him when I was down and not every second with his parents. Things got a little heated and he drove me home.

On the way up in the car, he explained that his parents are of ultimate importance to him and if he had to choose between being a bachelor or having the relationship he has with his family, he'd choose the latter. He said he was really hurt that I didn't want to spend time with his parents and that basically, this is what his life is like and that's it. He said he was just going with the flow and thought I was enjoying myself as well.

My view is that - he lives at home. He works from home. He already spends a lot of time with his parents. Is it too much to ask that when I come down that one night a week, that we can get alone time? Its not like we can go upstairs to bed and cuddle as there are seperate albeit very noisy beds .

I'm not trying to change him. I'm not rejecting his parents. I don't think i'm being unreasonable. I understand it's their house. I think they're lovely people. But I don't get how he doesn't get this.

He said that he'd have no problem being in the company of my family for hours on end because once it was important to me that I was spending time with people I care about, then that'd be all that'd matter to him. That is very nice. But i'm different. I find it hard to sit and watch something i'm not too interested in for hours on end, with people who are not my family. In fact, I wouldn't spend that much time with my own family on any given week - ever, nevermind in one sitting.

We somewhat sorted it out before he left. He said that he needs to watch the way he speaks to me as he can come across as somewhat condescending. And said that he understands that I didn't see it fully from his perspective and that I need to talk to him in future.

But I dunno.. Am I being a selfish b*tch here or would this bother anyone else?

Thank you.

Faith

That would bother me. He needs to understand that you're in a relationship with him, not his family. He should understand that when you come to visit, the main focus should be the two of you spending quality time together. Of course you'd chat to his family, maybe have tea or dinner with them, but it's weird, frankly, of him to expect you to spend all your time with them. Of course he loves them and wants to spend time with them, but he's spending the rest of the week with them. He's only seeing you once or twice a week. It's odd that he himself isn't more concerned with being alone with you - especially as you're presumably still in the honeymoon period.

So no, I don't think you're a selfish bitch at all. Next time, try arranging with him that you'll get out of the house together. Being cooped up isn't fun when you're not alone. Arrive down and go out again - dinner, drinks, cinema, a drive, bowling, a picnic, anything to just get away from his family. All that aside - he really needs to cut the apron strings. Wanting to spend time with your family is great, but not when it's at the expense of relationships IMO.

Ickle Magoo

While I don't think you are being selfish by wanting something different out of your relationship your boyfriend couldn't be any clearer in his relationship wants and expectations and you are clearly not singing from the same hymn sheet.

By all means sit down together and put your cards on the table regarding your own wishes and expectations and try to thrash out a compromise asap because, ime, issues with partners families that are not addressed properly early on will just keep re-occurring and causing issues, if not ultimately spoiling the relationship.

Given how explicit he's been in naming his priorities, how new your relationship is and him having to go to the effort of driving cross-county to maintain relations, be prepared that he may not wish to meet you half way on this and perhaps you are better off with someone who shares your core values?

All the best.

Azureus

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable in the slightest, you are driving cross country to see the guy-you want to see HIM, not his parents. To be honest, with how new the relationship is I would personally find it a little uncomfortable being left alone with members of his family while he goes to do gardening or chores or whatever anyway nevermind for that length of time.

You clearly have very different views on family life, you dont spend that much time with yours (I would be the same-nothing against the family) so there is a massive difference in perspective there. I'd definately suggest getting out of the house and doing stuff together, then maybe meeting back in his for dinner or something so you dont appear anti-social towards them. This one is all about compromise, I dont think either of your views will change but you have to respect eachothers lifestyle. Meeting halfway is the only way forward here imo.

R.D. aka MR.D

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

He has told you his views on it now and you have to decide if it is a dealbreaker. If it is then let him know and the result might be the end of the relationship but it just might be one of these things. Sometimes things don't work out.

best of luck!

Chuchoter

You are not being unreasonable at all and frankly he sounds rather odd if I'm really honest. He gets you to drive for hours to see him and then makes you talk to his parents for the whole day? I don't think relationships where you can't see eachother easily work in the first place, let alone ones where when you do get to see him you have to talk to his family. I'd lay the cards on table, say I want a relationship you not your whole family, and if he can't deal with it part ways.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

I think your BF must be extremely naive and/or experienced in relationships. You're perfectly right, a meal or an hour or two with family IN HIS PRESCENCE is fine and tolerable but what is currently going on is NOT.

His expectations of you sitting watching 6.5 hours of rugby and chit chatting to his folks are ridiculous and unrealistic in the extreme.

YOU need to educate him on what is and isn't acceptable. If you are in the house he needs to stay with you, not abandon you to the stultifying boredom of smalltalk and dreary rugby games on TV.

He sounds very wrapped up in his family. That's fine but he needs to realise they are HIS family not yours. Also if you two do marry, be careful he doesn't have them in on top of you at every opportunity. Draw the lines CLEARLY in the sand now, not later.

Don't leave this go for a quiet life. He needs to open his eyes and cut the apron strings.

dr gonzo

Also in complete agreement with everyone here, you couldnt be further from being unreasonable. Im in a new relationship myself and if i thought i'd have to spend that length of time with her family doing/watching something i'd no interest in i would have to put my foot down, its completely unfair.

As you say yourself, whats the point in driving 1.5 hours to see him if he cant make the slightest effort, he clearly didnt change his pattern for the day in the slightest which is incredibly selfish.

A chat is most definitely in order and if he cant see that what happened is completely unfair then maybe it is best you go your separate ways because it is a bit weird if im honest.